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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

my DD refuses to come to my sister's (gay) wedding

188 replies

Alexrose123 · 10/06/2016 21:40

Help! My DD is in the middle of her GCSEs. They finish next week. The very next day is my sister's wedding - but my DD is refusing to attend. She says she doesn't believe in gay marriage anyway (I do - I don't know where she gets this opinion from), and she wants to go out celebrating the end of exams with her friends instead. I am not close to my sister - not through want of trying on my part, but I really would like us all to be there at the wedding as a family. And it would be especially noted and I would no doubt get a lot of flak from the wider family if my DD did not attend the wedding. As she is in the middle of her exams I don't want to stress her about this but its a real quandary - what comes first? Loyalty to my sister? Or respecting my DD's needs/views on this? It is a pretty important family social obligation she has known about for a long time. Maybe she needs to learn the art of compromise to keep the peace? I don't see how I can force her to attend against her wishes other than some form of inducement...any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 10/06/2016 21:41

Did you not challenge her on the gay marriage thing?? Is it a legitmate objection?

user7755 · 10/06/2016 21:42

"you can come to the wedding and support Aunty Axel, but if you want to go out after that with your mates that's OK. As long as you toe the line"

PerspicaciaTick · 10/06/2016 21:43

So your DD is homophobic? I would find it hard to respect that opinion.
Does your DSis know about your DDs attitude? Does she still want her at the wedding or would she prefer to celebrate without her?

MaudGonneMad · 10/06/2016 21:43

So the GCSE finishing celebration is the night before the wedding?

MaddyHatter · 10/06/2016 21:45

I would not be respecting homophobia in my child!

Personally, i would be challenging such bigotry with grounding her completely.

Meow75 · 10/06/2016 21:47

Given her age, I would say she has the legitimate right to have whatever views she wants but at the same time she has to be prepared to defend them when challenged too.

Every parent - I hope - wants their child to be independent of thought and be able to make their minds up about all sorts of things. In this way, now that your DD is old enough to have that independence, you cannot be held responsible and thus shouldn't come up against it with your family.

ShatnersBassoon · 10/06/2016 21:47

Assuming you've told your sister that your daughter is going, it would be bad form to turn up and say she wouldn't be there because she wants to do something else instead.

Is she just saying she doesn't agree with gay marriage because she thinks it's a valid reason to not attend? A moral objection (made up or not) carries more clout than preferring to sit in the park drinking Hooch.

Haffdonga · 10/06/2016 21:48

Sounds to me like she would have been quite happy to come to the wedding until it clashed with the end of exam party. She has classic teenage FOMO (fear of missing out.

I'd vote family over friends on this one and insist she comes with a polite smile. If she chooses not to come she doesn't go to the party either.

NerrSnerr · 10/06/2016 21:49

I think at that age I would make her explain to your sister why she does not want to attend.

1AngelicFruitCake · 10/06/2016 21:50

Could she come to part of it then still go out with her friends. Think it's different if she isn't close to her aunt and you have already said that you're not close to her sister. I've never been one for going on a big night out but I can still remember how excited and grown up I felt going out to celebrate our GCSEs.

TendonQueen · 10/06/2016 21:50

I think I would tell her that her attitude is so bad you don't want her to come and spoil someone's special ceremony with it. Though I might spare my sister's feelings and say she was ill at home. I also think I would decide that for the next few months I 'wouldn't believe in' giving lifts, pocket money, paying for her stuff, that sort we thing.

OiWithThePoodlesAlready · 10/06/2016 21:52

Is she actually against gay marriage or is she just saying that to get out of going?

If my dd grew up to hold those opinions frankly I'd be gutted and be doing anything I could to make her see how wrong she is.

ChoudeBruxelles · 10/06/2016 21:55

What are her friends doing to celebrate?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 10/06/2016 21:57

I 'wouldn't believe in' giving lifts, pocket money, paying for her stuff, that sort we thing.

^^ This - and I'd add that I especially don't believe in doing it for homophobes.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 10/06/2016 22:01

In honesty at 16 I wouldn't force her to go (how would you even do this?). GCSEs are really stressful and I do think it is ok to relax with your friends after rather than attend a family event, especially for someone you aren't close to. My own family would share this opinion though, yours might value weddings differently!

But I would ask her (after her exams if necessary) to explain her pov on gay marriage. She may have just said this to try and get out of going. If she is genuinely opposed to gay marriage then at 16 she should be open to debate and challenge about her opinions. My own opinions have changed massively since I was 16 though- I was actually more conservative in my opinions then as I saw the world as very 'black and white' and had less empathy and understanding of diversity- so I wouldn't worry that her views are set in stone now.

OneArt · 10/06/2016 22:03

If it's an opinion you've never heard of before, I suspect that your DD wouldn't have anything against gay marriages if this one didn't interfere with her social life! As others have suggested, could she attend the wedding and then leave to meet her friends?

OneArt · 10/06/2016 22:04

I do think it's important for her to be at your sister's wedding.

IFailDaily · 10/06/2016 22:07

I doubt your DD is actually homophobic.
Of course she wants to be with her friends after the stress of exams - you say yourself that you are not especially close to your sister. So why should your DD want to attend the wedding?
How much interest has your sister shown in your DD in recent times?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 10/06/2016 22:10

I would challenge her views, but wouldn't force her to attend because, quite honestly, I wouldn't want her to be there sulking and pouting. She's at the point where her relationships with people will be transforming into more adult ones so you need to make it clear that she runs the risk of alienating herself from her aunt for a long time if she can't show her support, now.

I'd also put my foot down about meeting her friends, though. She's not quite an adult, yet, so you get final veto over certain things :)

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 10/06/2016 22:12

I think at that age I would make her explain to your sister why she does not want to attend.

This. If she's old enough to make this decision, she needs to face up to the consequences.

DaveCamoron · 10/06/2016 22:15

Yup, she should be telling your sister why she doesn't want to go.

Why is your daughter homophobic, where has she learnt that it's okay?

janethegirl2 · 10/06/2016 22:16

I'd let her go with her friends, unless she had said earlier that she would attend your sisters wedding.
I don't necessarily think that your sisters sexuality is relevant, but your dd may prefer to be with her friends.

cdtaylornats · 10/06/2016 22:18

While you might disagree with her views if she is religious then she is following church doctrine. Until the churches get it right if she is a church goer then it would be hypocritical of her to go against the church.

TrollTrekkingAcrossTheUniverse · 10/06/2016 22:21

I think it depends on what she's got arranged with her friends and when it was arranged. At 16, it's quite natural that she will want to prioritise that - although as others have said, you might want to explain the implications of not going. But if the thing with her friends was arranged first, or it's a 'big' event, I'd let her go to that.

The views on gay marriage wouldn't concern me; it's her right to hold whatever views she wishes (I personally don't understand opposition to gay marriage; no-one has to enter into one if they don't want to and equality to me is a good thing.) However, if you are uncomfortable hearing them then she needs to be told not to express her views around you as you find them offensive. And definitely not around your sister.

PunkrockerGirl · 10/06/2016 22:21

What IFail said.
Has your dsis been part of your daughter's life and shown an interest in her up till now?
If not, I doubt she's being homophobic. She'd just prefer to spend time with her friends - a normal teenage reaction!