Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

my DD refuses to come to my sister's (gay) wedding

188 replies

Alexrose123 · 10/06/2016 21:40

Help! My DD is in the middle of her GCSEs. They finish next week. The very next day is my sister's wedding - but my DD is refusing to attend. She says she doesn't believe in gay marriage anyway (I do - I don't know where she gets this opinion from), and she wants to go out celebrating the end of exams with her friends instead. I am not close to my sister - not through want of trying on my part, but I really would like us all to be there at the wedding as a family. And it would be especially noted and I would no doubt get a lot of flak from the wider family if my DD did not attend the wedding. As she is in the middle of her exams I don't want to stress her about this but its a real quandary - what comes first? Loyalty to my sister? Or respecting my DD's needs/views on this? It is a pretty important family social obligation she has known about for a long time. Maybe she needs to learn the art of compromise to keep the peace? I don't see how I can force her to attend against her wishes other than some form of inducement...any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
hugoagogo · 10/06/2016 22:45

Marriage itself should be phased out as outdated and religious in nature and civil partnership extended to heterosexual couples.

I know it's a pipe dream, but that my dream.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 10/06/2016 22:46

One can be happy to accept gay relationships, but still have reservations about marriage being extended to gay people

And what exactly are those reservations? that Gay people can inherit from their partners and not have to fight for it? That they have control over a loved ones end of life care if they are not capable of doing so? That they are treated as bloody human beings not some second class citizens just because who they love doesn't fit the standard tick boxes?

OP, your daughters views aside she should go. She is capable of being tolerant of her family's choices just as they will be of hers.

You must challenge her views because marriage is law and whether she likes it or not people are legally allowed to marry who they choose.

DoinItFine · 10/06/2016 22:47

Friends come first at 16.

I wouldn't be asserting my "in chargeness" to force my kid to miss a huge night out for her social group.

Nataleejah · 10/06/2016 22:48

But that family is not particularly close. I think that's partly a reason for 'homophobia'. If she and aunt had a close and loving relationship, it wouldn't be an issue.

sizeofalentil · 10/06/2016 22:49

I did something similar at 15 - it was so I'd be left behind and have a free house so that me and my best friend could invite our boyfriends over and…

PatriciaHolm · 10/06/2016 22:52

Is this Aunt the same one she didn't want to see last year? (yes, kill me, I've advanced searched the OP).

Is there history there?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 10/06/2016 22:52

It's not a 'gay wedding'. It's just a wedding. A family wedding, that she needs to attend, and needs to behave herself at, or deal with consequences for the rest of time the summer.

Her views need challenging, whether it's being said to get out of the wedding or not. If she was refusing to attend because her aunt was marrying someone of a different colour, you would challenge it. LGBT discrimination is killing people around the world. Maybe she is just saying it on a sixteen year old whim, but that doesn't matter. You need to stamp on it.

On top of that, since when did "celebrating end of GCSEs" become a thing?! And certainly a thing that is larger than a family event.

twelly · 10/06/2016 22:54

Your daughter's entitled to her view, and disagreeing with this marriage dies not make her homophobic.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 10/06/2016 22:55

I don't doubt OP will challenge it, but in the interests of actually changing her mind, what will work more? Forcing her to attend a wedding at the detriment of her friends or modelling love, understanding and tolerance by being loving, understanding and tolerant? No brainer to me :)

ThatsMyStapler · 10/06/2016 22:57

"f she was refusing to attend because her aunt was marrying someone of a different colour, you would challenge it. "

thats it in a nutshell.

"
On top of that, since when did "celebrating end of GCSEs" become a thing?!"

annoyingly EVERY-fucking-THING is a fucking celebration now, the gaggles of children shouting on their way home from parties, waking people up in the middle of the night, or silly early hours, and if you dare to say anything "oh, they're celebrating the end of their gCSEs, or their a levels or their cat had kittens, or they finished a fucking book,...." (can you tell it pisses me off to have my sleep interrupted??

TrollTrekkingAcrossTheUniverse · 10/06/2016 22:58

NanaNina good point about her feeling a tad embarrassed. Particularly if she doesn't know anyone else who has had a same-sex marriage. I know at 16 if I had a family member who was doing something 'different' to everyone else I would have been mortified. For no good reason except hormones.

But like it or not, agree with it or not, her aunt's wife will be legally part of the family. So OP's daughter will need to be able to accept that and treat them with the same courtesy and consideration that she would treat her aunt's husband.

But challenging a teenager's views? When teenagers are always right?! Not going to work...

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 22:58

I can't help but think that letting her go out with her friends is rewarding her for what she said, and that isn't the way to go because it would just encourage her. Stamp it out now.

PunkrockerGirl · 10/06/2016 23:01

I suspect you'd have got the same reaction if your dsis had been marrying a man. She's probably looking for any excuse not to attend . You say you're not particularly close to your dsis, so presumably she's not been a huge part of your daughter's life . Her friends will be so much more important than a relative who she doesn't see or doesn't know.

twelly · 10/06/2016 23:01

Teenagers develop different views from their parents, and that is part of growing up. She is allowed her view

kitkat1968 · 10/06/2016 23:07

I would let her miss the wedding (she is 16 fgs) and just tell your Dsis she hasn't finished her exams yet.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/06/2016 23:15

You say that you have tried to build a closer relationship with your sister but your sister is unwilling. I wonder if this might contribute to your DD's attitude - if she thinks your sister is a bitch who has hurt your feelings, it might make her even more reluctant to attend the wedding (particularly if your distance from your sister has anything to do with your sister's wife to be having encouraged her to see less of her family).
Also, if DD has hardly seen her auntie in years, then it's entirely understandable that she would rather go out with her friends.

PunkrockerGirl · 10/06/2016 23:24

ThatsMyStapler
I think you'll find that celebrating the end of GCSE's has been a thing for quite some time many years Grin Confused
As for the rest of your post, read it back in the morning love. I'm fascinated to know where you live that there's these hoards or children marauding the streets causing major disturbances.
Have a very, very large grip.

YippeeTeenager · 10/06/2016 23:41

She's 16 and family doesn't come first at that age. A family wedding is torture, boring and definitely best avoided, doesn't matter who Aunt X is marrying, could be a bloody horse and she still wouldn't want to give up a day to watch. She's allowed to say she doesn't want to be there without being bullied in to submission or punished for the rest of the summer. Some of the posts on here are unbelievable. And she's also allowed to have her own views on gay marriage - that's not illegal, or intrinsically wrong, it's called freedom of opinion and freedom of speech. Give the girl a break.

TendonQueen · 10/06/2016 23:55

So let me get this straight:

  1. It's more important for teenagers to pass exams than to be expected to behave like a decent person
  2. No teenager can be expected to do anything they dislike during exam season, or which conflicts with their own presences in any way, cos EXAMS

Seriously? OP said her GCSEs finish the day before the wedding. Given that IIRC all British weddings have to happen before 6pm, I don't even see how it would impinge on a celebratory night out. If anything it would only possibly clash with a daytime meet up with her friends. Yet even asking for a small amount of her post-exam time to honour a family member is apparently too much, and OP should accept that teenagers are just like this and it's fine for her daughter to espouse lazy-arse ill-thought-out homophobia as an excuse not to have to mildly inconvenience herself? When did teenagers become excused from all their social and moral obligations towards anyone else, ever?

clarrrp · 11/06/2016 00:07

even asking for a small amount of her post-exam time to honour a family member is apparently too much, and OP should accept that teenagers are just like this and it's fine for her daughter to espouse lazy-arse ill-thought-out homophobia as an excuse not to have to mildly inconvenience herself?

Pretty much.

Hmm
ThatsMyStapler · 11/06/2016 08:00

PunkrockerGirl let me pass you back that grip right now 'love', yes there are plenty of teenagers near where i live, who love to stop for a chat outside my bedroom window as there is a largish open space there, we live 300yrds from a pub and seem to be on a lot of peoples way home.

so, here's your grip back, thanks for the offer, but i think you need it more than me (if my post has wound you up that much) headtilt + Hmm

abbsismyhero · 11/06/2016 08:15

is it really worth the hassle of a stroppy teen being where they dont want to be for a family "obligation"?

i have a 16 year old if she said that about gay weddings to me my reply would be bullshit my dear you just dont want to go (if her younger sibs were out of earshot)

call her on it if you wish but remember she is stressed at the moment and probably looking forward to spending time with her friends not her family

even you dont sound like you want to go so why should she? it just sounds like a case of im suffering so you are too

PunkrockerGirl · 11/06/2016 08:22

ODFOD. I'm not the one who's wound up Grin
I think if you read back what you posted yesterday at 22.57 you'll have to agree there's only one person coming across as wound up unhinged on here.
The headtilt comment didn't come across as you intended, just as an pathetic, try hard attempt at sounding clever.
Don't have a go at me about the noisy teenagers outside your window, I don't personally send them round to annoy you Confused

PunkrockerGirl · 11/06/2016 08:24

That was to Stapler, btw.

BIWI · 11/06/2016 08:25

You know, sometimes 'stroppy teens' have to learn that they don't get things their own way.

And of course family comes first! Actually, it sounds to me like this is about anyone being seen as more important than the brattish-sounding DD.

What an unpleasant society we're creating where we indulge our children so that they think only they and their wants are important.