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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

my DD refuses to come to my sister's (gay) wedding

188 replies

Alexrose123 · 10/06/2016 21:40

Help! My DD is in the middle of her GCSEs. They finish next week. The very next day is my sister's wedding - but my DD is refusing to attend. She says she doesn't believe in gay marriage anyway (I do - I don't know where she gets this opinion from), and she wants to go out celebrating the end of exams with her friends instead. I am not close to my sister - not through want of trying on my part, but I really would like us all to be there at the wedding as a family. And it would be especially noted and I would no doubt get a lot of flak from the wider family if my DD did not attend the wedding. As she is in the middle of her exams I don't want to stress her about this but its a real quandary - what comes first? Loyalty to my sister? Or respecting my DD's needs/views on this? It is a pretty important family social obligation she has known about for a long time. Maybe she needs to learn the art of compromise to keep the peace? I don't see how I can force her to attend against her wishes other than some form of inducement...any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 12/06/2016 11:46

Is 'not believing in gay marriage' not homophobic in the same way that not believing in black and white people sitting on a bus together wouldn't be racist?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/06/2016 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/06/2016 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TortoiseSmile · 12/06/2016 18:25

If your daughter to attend something because she's "vegan" or whatever, then lots of liberals would support her decision, and throw in alot of self-righteous indignation on the way.

But because its something they don't agree with - her wish not to attend a gay wedding because she doesn't believe in it - then she must be forced!!

That has become the liberal default position of everything. Tolerance but only if you agree with me.

TortoiseSmile · 12/06/2016 18:25

I mean "them"!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 12/06/2016 18:52

It's not about being liberal, it's about being a decent human being. LGBT individuals being respected - and having the same rights as straight people - is about being a decent human being. If you can't do that, it doesn't make you 'not a liberal', it just makes you an arsehole.

Booboostwo · 12/06/2016 19:31

I honestly why some posters can't grasp a very simple point: my 16yo has a right to hold homophobic views, to let them guide her decisions, like which weddings to attend, and even to voice them, and I can't do much about it...but she's still wrong, homophobic and I am embarrassed for her and disappointed in her.

slgsue1979 · 12/06/2016 19:36

Is she really against gay marriage? I would guess not, she like many before me have said wants to hang out with her mates after a stressful time and probably thought that was a good way to get out of the event.
Anyhow that said does your dd have a relationship with her aunty? When was the last time they spent time together? When is the next time they are likely to see each other? What I am trying to get at is if the relationship is weak I can understand why she doesn't want to go and if she was mine wouldn't make her unless she had already committed to going. I would also have a chat with her and ask her if she meant what she had said and impress on her the importance of not making such flippant remarks which will cause a great deal of offence.
I hope that the majority of us thinking it's a flippant comment are right because I have no clue how I would begin to deal with it if it wasn't.

HermioneWeasley · 12/06/2016 19:43

I have a gay marriage. I also went for gay lunch today and gay parked my car outside the restaurant.

slgsue1979 · 12/06/2016 19:48

Another thought if she is homophobic would your sister really want her there with a sullen miserable teenage sulk ruining her day? I certainly wouldn't! Taking her against her will won't change her mind.
Could she not speak to her aunty and explain the reasons why she doesn't want to go and how important the night with her friends is to her. I am sure your sister will be disappointed but would understand she was 16 too once! I may be naive but I just don't want to think of a young girl as homophobic.

MissMargie · 12/06/2016 19:49

But because its something they don't agree with - her wish not to attend a gay wedding because she doesn't believe in it - then she must be forced!! That has become the liberal default position of everything. Tolerance but only if you agree with me

Hear Hear Tortoisesmile

What a load of do-gooding leftie numpties on this thread. I think half must live in lala land.
Just because something appears right or seems fair or whatever doesn't mean everyone has to agree (or will agree).
Everyone is entitled to their own view - many people with strong religious reasons (or other reasons) might choose not to attend a gay marriage ceremony. Their choice.

PirateFairy45 · 12/06/2016 19:50

If your daughter doesn't want to attend, don't force her.

Everyone is entitled to their views.

HermioneWeasley · 12/06/2016 20:03

margie that's fine, but objecting to equality on the ground of sexuality does make you homophobic.

MissMargie · 12/06/2016 20:11

Homophobic on google-
Homophobia is the hatred or fear of homosexuals - that is, lesbians and gay men - sometimes leading to acts of violence and expressions of hostility. Homophobia is not confined to any one segment of society, and can be found in people from all walks of life.

So 'objecting to equality' according to the above meaning isn't homophobic, no one is saying they hate or fear gay people on this thread.

My point was more that surely some people, eg Muslims or Catholics, must not be approving of gay marriage, I don't know, I'm not religious. But the comments of posters, their horror that someone could not approve of a gay marriage seems naïve to me, surely there will be disapproval from some quarters. People have all sorts of views on all sorts of things. That's the way it is with a mixed global population.

HSMMaCM · 12/06/2016 20:17

She's 16. She just wants to go out with her friends to celebrate the end of her exams, rather than go to the wedding of an aunt she hardly ever sees. The not believing in gay marriage may be true, or may just be an excuse. She shouldn't have said it either way, but I think the issue is that she just doesn't want to go.

If asked by family members at the event, you can just say she's celebrating the end of her exams with her friends.

Booboostwo · 12/06/2016 20:18

People have all sorts of views on all sorts of things Sure there are people who think that an adult having sex with a child is fine, people who think that a man has the right to rape his wife, people who enjoy murder, etc - what is your point?

While homophobia literally means fear of gay people the word has evolved to mean prejudice against gay people in the same way that sexism is prejudice against women (usually) or racism is prejudice against other races. Objecting to equality IS being prejudiced against gay people and is homophobic, you don't have to literally fear or hate them. You can, for example, pity gay people for their sins and that would be homophobic.

Shallishanti · 12/06/2016 21:55

we can see now (in the US) where homophobia can lead
maybe talk to your daughter about that

BIWI · 12/06/2016 22:02

My DC are both in their 20s now, for the avoidance of any doubt. So I'm more than well experienced in dealing with teenagers.

And when they were 16, if there was something they would have to come to/do, then they were told they had to do it (and the reason for it was usually explained), and they did it.

Sometimes things are non-negotiable, and children have to do things that they are told to do.

clarrrp · 12/06/2016 22:15

I have a gay marriage. I also went for gay lunch today and gay parked my car outside the restaurant.

I'm gay interneting right now.

....that maybe didn't come out the way I meant it. :)

margie that's fine, but objecting to equality on the ground of sexuality does make you homophobic.

And a dick.

Someone saying they 'don't believe' in gay marriage is stupid. It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, it's real. It's not like fucking unicorns or the easter bunny.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 12/06/2016 22:34

In the last few hours, over 100 LGBT individuals have been killed and injured, just for being anything other than straight, and yet people on the internet are still arguing it's okay 'to have different opinions'.

We are literally being killed. Daily. Because of who we love.

But as long as you're getting your freedom of speech, that doesn't matter. Because fuck it, your little minds are more important than our actual lives.

It does make you homophobic to object to equal marriage rights. And you might not like that fact, but we don't really like being killed because we dare not to be straight.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/06/2016 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slgsue1979 · 12/06/2016 22:58

I am sorry but this thread is going well off point.
I have no problem going to a gay wedding very recently went to a gay engagement party and am going to a gay housewarming party in a couple of weeks and a gay wedding next year.
I don't actually think without knowing the girl that she meant what she said. Teen girls have a wonderful of being careless with words to get what they want (I may be wrong but I like to think the best of people). I would hazard a guess that if dear aunty was marrying a guy named Alfred this young lady would have another reason for not wanting to go, maybe she would suddenly disagree with marriage full stop.
Op hasn't given much for sight into the relationship other than she doesn't see her sister often. We don't know how the sister gets on with her dd or why they don't see each other that often. Op can you give a bit more background please and have you had a chat with dd yet?
Especially with the tragedy in Orlando today I don't think labelling a young girl homophobic or arguing amongst each other about equality or homophobia is helpful.

Worcswoman · 12/06/2016 23:04

I wouldn't stress her out whilst she's taking her GCSEs so let her give it a miss. I used to loathe family weddings at her age and of course she wants to be with her friends. It's her time with her friends. And your sisters time with her friends. Some weddings insist on no children.

BIWI · 13/06/2016 09:52

Brilliant post, Voldys

girlwithagruffalotattoo · 13/06/2016 14:29

What Voldys said. We are literally being killed because some people "don't believe in gay marriage". We are being massacred. And the homophobia isn't the point here? This hatred needs to be addressed and if you fail to do so then you are fuelling it. People die because of homophobia. 50 people are dead.