my DD refuses to come to my sister's (gay) wedding

[Alexrose123]

Help! My DD is in the middle of her GCSEs. They finish next week. The very next day is my sister's wedding - but my DD is refusing to attend. She says she doesn't believe in gay marriage anyway (I do - I don't know where she gets this opinion from), and she wants to go out celebrating the end of exams with her friends instead. I am not close to my sister - not through want of trying on my part, but I really would like us all to be there at the wedding as a family. And it would be especially noted and I would no doubt get a lot of flak from the wider family if my DD did not attend the wedding. As she is in the middle of her exams I don't want to stress her about this but its a real quandary - what comes first? Loyalty to my sister? Or respecting my DD's needs/views on this? It is a pretty important family social obligation she has known about for a long time. Maybe she needs to learn the art of compromise to keep the peace? I don't see how I can force her to attend against her wishes other than some form of inducement...any advice appreciated.

haha - 'unhinged' love it

Where was i having a go at you? If you read my post, you'll see that I am fed up with teenagers making lots of noise on their way home... are you a noisy teenager? No? do you live near me? No? (possibly but as you dont know where I live then a bit unlikely...) then why is this aimed at you?

It doesn't seem like its me that needs get a grip...

I wouldn't make her go to the wedding if she'd rather go to an end of exams party, but I am surprised tbh that you didn't ask her why she doesn't 'believe' in gay marriage when it first came up? That would have been the opportune time.

BIWI Exactly! It's all 'oh, their hormones, oh, they have exams' so apparently they have no obligations to anyone. And then it's surprising when they get to university and can't motivate themselves to do work instead of going out all the time, or when they struggle with doing what their workplace expects of them.

No of course you don't have to respect her backwards and homophobic views. If your sister was marrying a black person and dd "disagreed" would you be bleating about respecting her racist views?! On second though, maybe don't answer that. You can't stop her having those views though I do struggle to see how one would develop them unless living in an environment where homphobia was commonplace, but you certainly don't respect them because they are dangerous. How does she treat gay people at her school, do you think? (And yes, there will be some possibly still locked in the closet by closed minded little bigots, but they'll be there). Start parenting and challenge the fuck out of this bullshit before it gets any worse

I'm with BIWI in the tough titties camp. Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't really want to do, when it's important to other people. And those people are your family.

She's old enough to make her own mind up & good on her for telling you exactly how she feels ( whether you like it or not )
She's 16 not 4.
& let's face it, weddings are boring for most adults let alone a 16 year old.

I'm not taking sides regarding the moral pros and cons here - just a practical point. How would you make a 16-yo go somewhere she doesn't want to?

how would you make a 16-yo go somewhere she doesn't want to?

Exactly. Some of the replies on this thread are ridiculous.

So are teenagers never to be expected to do anything they find boring, Surfer?

You can't drag her in physically, of course. But you can say that you want and expect her to attend and there will be consequences if she doesn't in terms of what you are prepared to do for her. As I said earlier on the thread, in response to her 'not believing' in gay marriage, I'd find myself 'not believing' in giving lifts anywhere, pocket money, and so on.

The only time I would insist my ds ( also 16 ) attends a family gathering would be a funeral of close family member, or wedding of his older siblings ( but he'd want to go anyway )
Anything else, christening, wedding of family member he barely knows, auntie Brenda's 70th - forget it. I wouldn't expect him to be remotely interested.

Actually, I think there is a positive message in saying 'it's good to respect other people's relationship choices and their love for their partners, even if their choices wouldn't be our ones'. It's an attitude she can benefit from when she embarks on her own long term relationships.

What is her relationship with her aunt?

Has she ever met her aunts partner?

If they aren't close I can see why she'd prefer to be with her friends-she's a teen.

The gay/exams issues are smoke screens.

At 16 I wouldn't expect them to attend a wedding they didn't want to, teenagers generally do what they want by that age and they to spend their time with friends rather than family, ite totally normal.

I Don't see anything wrong with her view of marriage between the two gay people, I don't think it's homophobic, people are allowed to think what they want no matter what others say.

She can't be forced. But the potential consequences can be spelled out and she is old enough to understand. Op has said dds absence will be noted and this will be awkward for OP. Only op know how important/unimportant this is in the scheme of things but this type of thing can sometimes cause upset in families because feelings run high about weddings. Also dd may well get a couple of years down the line and feel bad for not going, so she should be given every opportunity to change her mind.

Let's leave out the fact that her aunt is marrying a same sex partner.

How close is she to her aunt? Does she even like her aunt? Has her aunt caused her to feel uncomfortable or unhappy when they have spent time together? How often has she seen her aunt in the past two/three years? Has she met and does she like her aunt's partner?

These questions are all relevant, whether the aunt is gay, straight or Martian.

I do not have teenagers, and you know your daughter best - but families come with obligations, sometimes obligations sometimes impinge on the fun times and that is what becoming an adult is all about.

So she can behave like an adult and come to the wedding, which is a hugely important and happy occassion, regardless of what views she personally holds.

Or she can be treated like a little kid and dragged along like a truculent toddler or babysat at home by a neighbour for throwing a hissy fit.

Is there a specific event or meet up thats taking place after exams ? In my experience results day is when the celebrations take place, all the last exams are staggered so it makes it tricky to plan.

Reprised at the amount of people saying she has to go. She is more or less an adult at 16, you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to - that's a step too far.

I wouldn't make her go. She's a young adult, her priority is celebrating the end of her exams.

You're not close to your sister as you say, and you fear you'd get 'flak' for her not attending. I'd just suck that up, she's not going to be turning up at everything any more as she's no longer a child.

The relatives will just have to get over it.

I agree with PPs that the 'I don't believe in gay marriage' comment is presumably a way to get out because she knows you are such a liberal parent you'll let her have her own 'beliefs' rather than say 'that's bullshit and is not a good enough excuse to get out of the wedding, in fact it makes me more inclined to insist you go so you understand gay people are normal people who are part of your family and should not be discriminated against'.

Does make me wonder why she though that it could be an acceptable thing to say though, if one of my kids turned round and said that I'd laugh because since they have been little kids they have known their aunt is in love with another woman and that you can marry a boy or a girl as long as you aren't closely related to each other.

If she honestly thinks that gay people do not have the same rights as heterosexual people you have a more serious problem on your hands than wedding attendance. I'd sit her down, find out her views, challenge her on them if homophobic, and if she won't reconsider (her views, not the wedding attendance) I'd tell her I was very disappointed in her and embarrassed she is my daughter.

If she just can't be bothered to go to the wedding, I'd let her decide. She's 16yo and not close to her aunt, soon she'll be doing her own thing all the time anyway.