my DD refuses to come to my sister's (gay) wedding

[Alexrose123]

Help! My DD is in the middle of her GCSEs. They finish next week. The very next day is my sister's wedding - but my DD is refusing to attend. She says she doesn't believe in gay marriage anyway (I do - I don't know where she gets this opinion from), and she wants to go out celebrating the end of exams with her friends instead. I am not close to my sister - not through want of trying on my part, but I really would like us all to be there at the wedding as a family. And it would be especially noted and I would no doubt get a lot of flak from the wider family if my DD did not attend the wedding. As she is in the middle of her exams I don't want to stress her about this but its a real quandary - what comes first? Loyalty to my sister? Or respecting my DD's needs/views on this? It is a pretty important family social obligation she has known about for a long time. Maybe she needs to learn the art of compromise to keep the peace? I don't see how I can force her to attend against her wishes other than some form of inducement...any advice appreciated.

TendonQueen
You can't drag her in physically, of course. But you can say that you want and expect her to attend and there will be consequences if she doesn't in terms of what you are prepared to do for her.

ahh yes, blackmail, always a good way to get what you want and build a lasting relationship.

I'd tell her ... I was embarrassed she was my daughter

Parents have to accept that their children may have different view from them. Her view is held by many - disagreeing with gay marriage does not make her a bad person. We as parents should be very careful of stifling our children's opinions they are not carbon copies of ourselves.

Don't know what the shocked face is for. If any child of mine expressed racist or homophobic views I would tell them the same thing.

There's not stifling their veiws and then there's stopping them from being bigots.

You're not going to stop them being a bigot by punishing them for their point of view, though.

It would be interesting to play this out in reverse and see the consensus.

Teenagers are daft sometimes. I thought abortion was wrong and awful and horrible. I grew up and am now very pro choice.

Discussion over views is fine, the daughters view is not a bigoted view. I agree that discussion over a range of views is important but as a parent we should allow are children to develop their views which may change as they have different experiences. Democracy is also in the home.

I highly doubt this girl is truly homophobic- she wants to go out with her mates and is using this as an excuse because she thinks it will somehow be more acceptable (clearly poor judgement in her part)
I'd have a discussion with her from that point of view
clearly it would be a mistake to force her to go but I wouldn't be enabling the alternative (eg by providing lifts or money)- I'd expect her to personally decline the invite, verbally or in writing (which will be difficult! so she may change her mind at that point)
If she refuses to do that, OP will have to tell her sister she's not coming because she wants to go to post GCSE party

If she wants to be adult enough to make her own decisions then she is also adult enough to carry out the appropriate social graces/protocol.

Perhaps you discuss with her whether she wants to decline the invitation because of a) objection to gay marriage or b) actually rather celebrate exams and explain how both reason might be perceived. Then expect her to contact her aunt and personally decline the invitation giving appropriate reason. You could have a separate convo with your sister explaining the line of action.

Very surprised with comments advocating punishing her for not attending or leaving her with a babysitter!

She's 16. GCSEs and post-GCSE celebrations aren't very important from an adult perspective, but to a 16-year-old who has spent two years preparing for the exams? They're the most important thing going on in her life right now. If she were older and celebrating the end of university exams, would you think it was rude or unacceptable for her to prioritise her own plans over the wedding of a family member she doesn't see often? As is sometimes said on the wedding threads here, it's an invitation, not a summons!

The homophobia is a separate issue and one you should probably talk to her about after the exams. I was homophobic at that age and held a lot of political views I'm embarrassed about now, but someone telling me I couldn't think the way I did wouldn't have changed my mind but made me more set in my ways. I'm glad that my family challenged me on certain things and presented a different perspective, but didn't try to make me feel like a bad person for believing what I did.

I would tell her that she is welcome to miss the wedding but a) she needs to write, explaining why and b) bigots don't get to go out with their friends as they lack maturity.

I doubt she's truly bigoted. It's either someone else's opinion she's regurgitating, or she's clutching at straws because she really wants to go out with her friends to celebrate the end of the GCSEs.

I think a bit of empathy towards her wouldn't go amiss. I wouldn't stop her going out with her friends on the Saturday night. That's important to her. I'm in my late 30s and remember celebrating the end of my GCSEs with my friends. She is far closer to them than she is her aunt. That's where she needs to be.

I do think she should go to the service though. If nothing else as an exercise in helping her see that love is love is love, if she truly does struggle with gay relationships. No-one ever changed their mind on something because they were grounded or had their pocket money stopped. The consequences don't fit the problem. The problem is that she is possibly uncomfortable with the concept of homosexuality. The solution is to help normalise it for her.

No-one changed their mind by being humiliated into it, either. Making her write to her aunt is unnecessarily cruel for both writer and recipient. Fear comes from ignorance, ignorance is challenged with education, not any kind of punishment.

Boney not blackmail at all. The kind of exchange lots of 'she's an adult now' posters would or should applaud. Parent says I'd like you to do this 'nice to do' thing for me' - teen refuses 'well, ok but be aware that I do lots of 'nice to do' things for you too that I may refuse to do in the future'. Would it be blackmail to say to a teenager that you want them to do certain household chores in return for getting pocket money? Is this all one way traffic where a parent is expected to give but can expect nothing in return?

I don't think she should go.

Because she'll likely have a face on and ruin it for other people. I certainly wouldn't want someone at my wedding who doesn't approve of it. I'm all for teaching a lesson but using someone else's big day as that lesson (or as the teenager will see it - a punishment) isn't a great idea.

So I'd leave her at home to stew in her own juice.

writing to the aunt isn't a punishment though- more of a natural consequence of her decision- unless she expects her mum to explain her absence, which is what would happen if she was a child.

If the exam celebration is in the evening, she can easily in to the wedding in the day and then leave in the evening to meet her friends. No problem there. There saying the wedding prevents her seeing her friends are mistaken, unless this is j directly charging thing and th OP hasn't told us.

directly clashing thing

Writing to the aunt is a punishment if we are expecting the teenager to commit her concerns about gay marriage to paper. That is not what a reasonable adult would do. If you were invited to a wedding that you believed was a bad idea and couldn't in all conscience attend, only a real dick would explain why. Normal people would just write a note saying, sorry I can't attend, I have a prior engagement, thank you for inviting me.

If that's the kind of note we're thinking, fine. But I don't think that's the sentiment of the group.

that's EXACTLY the sort of note I'd expect her to write
I'd hope that seeing it on paper would help her see that 'I'd rather get pissed with my friends' is at best a lame reason for not going to an aunt's wedding and she might then rethink.

I am certainly not expecting her to write outlining her appalling views.

But, a proper invitation refusal is what an adult would do, under the circumstances. Perhaps citing a prior engagement.

But, she MUST be challenged in those views if, indeed, she actually holds them - and they are not an excuse. And, a refusal to recognise that would, in my house, mean not being allowed to go out partying.

Has The OP said whether DD was actually asked if she wanted to attend the wedding?
I think the whole 'family is more important' bit deepens very much on what the family is like - and even then I'm not convinced family are more important than friends.in this case my impression it is family who aren't particularly close,and at least part of the issue is there will be comment if DD doesn't go,and it'll be hard for the OP. But she can perfectly well just say brightly 'oh yes,DD is celebrating the end of her GCSEs with her friends' and move on,surely?'
The post GCSE fun might be a lifetime memory for DD but I doubt her aunts wedding will be,equally I doubt if her absence will ruin the wedding for anyone else - though what does the aunt think? Will she be devastated if her niece isn't there? Personally I'd want my sister but could survive without my teenage niece( and I love my nieces!)

I'd hope that seeing it on paper would help her see that 'I'd rather get pissed with my friends' is at best a lame reason for not going to an aunt's wedding and she might then rethink.

I don't think celebrating the end of 2 years of study and hard work with your peers is axlame reason to miss a wedding.

I think at 16 it is ridiculous and unfair to expect her to pick what isclikely to be a boring famiky event (to her) over a massive rite of passage that she and her friends have probably been planning for ages.

I agree - it's not a lame excuse at all. She's approaching the end of the single most stressful thing she's probably ever done in her life. Her biggest life achievement. We can all sit here with the benefit of our advanced years and know that, in the scheme of things, it's not a huge deal - but think back. Wanting to celebrate the end of your exams with your friends is normal and important. More important than an estranged relative's wedding. Yes, she needs to learn about obligations and the like - but also how to live her life in a way that meets her own needs and desires, not just expectations. The lesson she needs to learn is that sometimes other people come first. And sometimes you come first. And sometimes you have to compromise. Not, you will do this because it is expected of you. That's a rubbish lesson to teach any young woman.