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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

my DD refuses to come to my sister's (gay) wedding

188 replies

Alexrose123 · 10/06/2016 21:40

Help! My DD is in the middle of her GCSEs. They finish next week. The very next day is my sister's wedding - but my DD is refusing to attend. She says she doesn't believe in gay marriage anyway (I do - I don't know where she gets this opinion from), and she wants to go out celebrating the end of exams with her friends instead. I am not close to my sister - not through want of trying on my part, but I really would like us all to be there at the wedding as a family. And it would be especially noted and I would no doubt get a lot of flak from the wider family if my DD did not attend the wedding. As she is in the middle of her exams I don't want to stress her about this but its a real quandary - what comes first? Loyalty to my sister? Or respecting my DD's needs/views on this? It is a pretty important family social obligation she has known about for a long time. Maybe she needs to learn the art of compromise to keep the peace? I don't see how I can force her to attend against her wishes other than some form of inducement...any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 10/06/2016 22:23

The homophobic view is an issue that ought to be addressed in due course.

I have to say that although I would usually say family comes first...
Going to auntie's wedding who you rarely see anyway, vs celebrating end of exams with friends, to me the latter is bound to be more important to her.

I still remember (bits of!) the post-exams celebrations. It's one of those memories I group together with other important staging post memories. It's a rite of passage.

If you don't see your sister very often, it's hard to justify to your DD why all of a sudden Auntie X is more important than a once-in-a-lifetime celebration with her friends who have probably played a more significant part in your DD's life than her auntie.

hugoagogo · 10/06/2016 22:24

Not believing in gay marriage doesn't make a person automatically homophobic imo.
One can be happy to accept gay relationships, but still have reservations about marriage being extended to gay people.

NerrSnerr · 10/06/2016 22:26

To be fair if she doesn't believe in gay marriage going to one would definitely prove that they're real wouldn't it?

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 22:28

While I can understand her wanting to go our with her friends, especially if she is not close to your sister, I can understand that and would let her go.

HOWEVER...

I would challenge her all the way on the gay marriage issue.

I speak as a woman who is in a relationship with another woman - if you let her away with that bigotry now it will continue.

If it were me in this situation and my kid gave that as a reason for not going then they wouldn't be going to the wedding, but they woudn't be partying either. Instead they would be greated coming out of the exam hall by my great aunt pearl and spend the whole weekend at her place being forced to watch endless repeats of on the buses and listening to her complain about her corns.

HippyPottyMouth · 10/06/2016 22:29

If it's logistically possible, I'd make her attend the wedding but let her go out with her friends in the evening. If not, family has to come first, as gutting as it is to miss a special night out. I disagree with the suggestion of getting her to explain her views to her auntie, though, if she's backed into a corner of defending her position there's a high risk of her hurting her auntie and causing long-lasting harm to relationships for you as well, especially as you're already not close to your sister.

CallWaiting · 10/06/2016 22:30

Not believing in gay marriage doesn't make a person automatically homophobic imo.
One can be happy to accept gay relationships, but still have reservations about marriage being extended to gay people.

I'm personally totally pro marriage equality but I think I do agree with this statement. Views on marriage can be quite complex and nuanced and so do not necessarily mean the person is homophobic (although obviously it might)

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 22:31

One can be happy to accept gay relationships, but still have reservations about marriage being extended to gay people.

But 'one' doesn't accept gay relationships if one has 'reservations' about giving gay people (like me) the same rights as everyone else.

RaeSkywalker · 10/06/2016 22:31

Did she commit to attending the wedding before she realised that the dates clashed?

I agree with others, if she said she would attend and now doesn't want to, she needs to call her Aunt and explain why.

I'd also challenge her on the homophobia. Exams or no exams, if she's expressing opinions like that, she should be questioned as and when it happens.

Iknownuffink · 10/06/2016 22:31

Sounds to me that saying she doesn't agree with Gay marriage was a get out of family wedding statement.

She wants to go out with her mates and celebrate the end of exams.

CallWaiting · 10/06/2016 22:31

Also as a teenager I don't think branding her a homophobe is necessarily helpful as she'll be indulgences by all sorts and may be working things out for herself.
And of course it could be a convenient way to try to get out of the wedding to party with her friends!

Original poster
Alexrose123 · 10/06/2016 22:32

Really appreciate the feedback - I certainly will challenge her views again - and I have lots of options to think about now thank you.!

OP posts:
CallWaiting · 10/06/2016 22:32

*influenced NOT indulgences! Autocorrect!

Nataleejah · 10/06/2016 22:33

Punishing her for 'homophobia' will certainly not make her more open-minded. Quite the opposite i would say.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 10/06/2016 22:34

Mm, I don't know. I think teenagers can often express very conservative views about such matters. I can imagine myself holding similar daft views at around that age. Punishing someone for these views - which is what withholding pocket money and lifts is - doesn't sit easily with me. I understand where you're coming from but long term, what you want her to learn is tolerance, kindness and respect and if you don't treat her with those same things, it just leads to resentment and can be quite damaging.

I would try to get some compromise organised so she can go to her party. I think showing an understanding of how important the party is to her will go a long way in getting her to see how important the wedding is to you x

TrollTrekkingAcrossTheUniverse · 10/06/2016 22:35

clarrrp Should we therefore punish everyone for holding views of which we don't approve?

So, for instance, if 16 year old children were given the vote, should we punish them if they declared - in a lifelong Labour household - that they were going to vote Conservative and that they didn't believe in socialist principles (or vice versa of course).

I am uncomfortable with the idea of parents as thought police. Make it clear that they don't agree with the view and don't want it expressed in their house, yes. Make it clear what behaviour is expected and have consequences if they don't. But don't tell them they have to think in a particular way.

ThatsMyStapler · 10/06/2016 22:35

Not believing in gay marriage doesn't make a person automatically homophobic imo.
One can be happy to accept gay relationships, but still have reservations about marriage being extended to gay people.

I'm sorry, but in my opinion thats a load of bollocks - gay people are no different to non gay people except they love people of the same sex - so what!?!

I think like others have said that she doesnt want to go because she wants to spend time with her friends and its an 'easy' get out. Teenagers are horrible.

( She says she doesn't believe in gay marriage ) Gay marriage - or as decent people call it, marriage does exist, so you can assure her it does exist...

DorynownotFloundering · 10/06/2016 22:35

It's a marriage not a "gay" marriage, a wedding between two people who love each other & want to share their special day with friends& family.

If Madam is too rude and hard hearted not to appreciate that fact then not a lot you can do but yes I would be expressing my displeasure at the complete lack of respect for her mother & aunt regardless of who the spouse to be is.

She'll also possibly be missing out on the best party all year!

IFailDaily · 10/06/2016 22:36

Hmm. Not sure 'challenging' her views is the way to go TBH.

SuburbanRhonda · 10/06/2016 22:37

One can be happy to accept gay relationships, but still have reservations about marriage being extended to gay people.

In other words, believing that some people are more equal than others. Nice.

MrsSpecter · 10/06/2016 22:38

"She says she doesnt believe in gay marriage"

Its been proven to exist Wink

Personally at 16 i would leave the decision to attend up to her. But i would be so ashamed of her. And wonder where the hell i'd gone wrong in bringing her up. Sad

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 22:42

So, for instance, if 16 year old children were given the vote, should we punish them if they declared - in a lifelong Labour household - that they were going to vote Conservative and that they didn't believe in socialist principles (or vice versa of course).

Bit different, don't you think? And not at all comparable.

It's a marriage not a "gay" marriage, a wedding between two people who love each other & want to share their special day with friends& family.

This. Completely and utterly this.

DoinItFine · 10/06/2016 22:42

Hmmm, under the circumstances - age, exams - I would let her miss the wedding.

Except, I couldn't let her refuse to go to her auntie's wedding for such a stupid and offensive reason.

So I don't know.

On the one hand, a 16 year old should maker her own decisions about her social life.

On the other, a 16 year old should not get to insult family like that.

I don't know. I would be super cross though.

BIWI · 10/06/2016 22:43

It's a family wedding. Family comes first, regardless of your DD's views.

Tough titties if she wants to go out after her exams. I'm sorry, but she's 15/16? You're still in charge here.

And that's not even taking into account her pretty unpleasant views, which I think you must tackle separately.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 10/06/2016 22:44

Look, teenagers are famous for going against their parents set of beliefs. Don't be so harsh!

NanaNina · 10/06/2016 22:44

Mixture of posts that I've only skimmed (I'm very bad at reading all the posts on any thread) BUT I'm on the side of "don't cause her any stress while she's in the middle of GCSEs by putting pressure on her about this wedding, and I think she should be able to be with her friends rather than a wedding of some aunt with whom she doesn't have a close r/ship.

She's 16 - I can't imagine many 16 year olds like weddings anyway unless it's a very close family. The comment about gay marriage I agree (as someone has suggested) was probably just a "throw away" line to give some rationale to not wanting to attend the wedding. I think the posters who are advocating challenging her about homophobia are not really getting "inside the mind of a 16 year old" - teenagers ime have half formed views about many things, and the main thing for them is that they "fit in" with their friendship groups. She has a lifetime ahead of her to change her views on all sorts of things in society, or not as the case may be. Gay marriages are relatively new and she may be a tad embarrassed - I don't know.

Please let her be - don't push for her to attend the wedding or challenge her about homophobia - the time is not right and what teenager is going to listen to their mother.

I have a DGD aged 16 sitting GCSEs - her sensible parents wouldn't dream of upsetting her over a wedding or anything else. These are important exams - they can affect her whole future - the wedding - just a day.

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