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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Building Bridges with DP's DC (sensitive)

141 replies

ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 10:38

I have recently met DP's youngest (mid teens)

She understandably doesn't like me as I contributed to her parents splitting up last year.

I need to build bridges with her and DP and I have taken it slowly and let her meet me in her own time.

I am trying really hard to make an effort but she won't engage much with me. When I ask her things I get short answers and she won't ask me anything back.

Clearly circumstances make meeting me difficult for her but is there anything I can do to make it easier for her?

I do give her time alone with her dad but any tips on thawing the ice would be welcome.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 18/10/2015 10:41

Personally I would totally back off and try not to be around when the children are there - of course that may be hard if you live together.

I would think it will take quite a bit of time for the children to thaw.

Thebookswereherfriends · 18/10/2015 10:52

I never met the woman who contributed to my parent's split, but as i could barely speak to my Dad I'm pretty sure I would not have been at all willing to meet the woman.
I think you have to accept you may never have anything approaching a relationship and you should probably do no more than say "Hello, How are you?" as you walk out the door to do something else while she's there.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 10:55

We do live together and she still sees her dad separately as we felt it was important for her to have her own time with her dad and not feel pushed out.

Do you think it's best to just give her time and feel she will eventually be more chatty.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 18/10/2015 10:59

She may well never come round.

She is obviously going to be angry with her father, as well as you, but as she loves her father, she may well just transfer all her anger to you. She didn't have a relationship with you in the first place, so you have a lot further to rise than her father did.

You need to accept that, and continue to facilitate your partner's relationship with her, none-the-less.

It's the least you can do.

GraciesMansion · 18/10/2015 10:59

She might never be 'more chatty' and there's nothing that you can do about that, considering the circumstances in which you and your DP ended up together. Let her repair her relationship with her father and stay out of it for now. If she wants to spend time with you she will.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 11:02

Thank you Books I really appreciate you posting having been in my DP's DD's situation.

DP still has a good relationship with her. I might have to adjust my expectations then. I assumed as she had agreed to meet me after a long time she would talk to me a bit more.

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 18/10/2015 11:05

Agreeing to meet you was most likely simple curiosity - why did her Dad choose you over her Mum?
It's good that she still has a good relationship with her Dad, mine was never quite the same. Just keep being polite, but don't try and force anything.

Costacoffeeplease · 18/10/2015 11:05

Why did you assume that? She may just have been curious or felt pressure from her father - or maybe wants to meet you in order to punish you - who knows? I'd back right off for now

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 11:09

She has transferred a lot of her anger onto me which is fine, I can understand her doing that.

I would never get in the way of her relationship with her dad. I have done everything I can to facilitate their relationship.

So I should just let things be as they are and let her be the one to instigate more if she chooses to which she may well not do.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 18/10/2015 11:12

Step right back. And lower your expectations. If you and her father live together, what will happen re overnight stays and holidays?

PrimeraVez · 18/10/2015 11:13

To be honest, when I was that DD at the age of 15, the idea of any kind of relationship with my father was barely tolerable to me, let alone with the OW.

14 years on and I have never met or spoken to the woman and I have absolutely no desire to do so (I also have not seen or spoken to my father in nearly 10 years) I think you need to accept that there is a very good chance that you may never have any kind of relationship with her. Even though you live with her father, now that she is a teenager, it is much easier for her to avoid your home completely and she may well choose to do so.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 11:14

I think some of it is curiosity. Her dad didn't choose me over her mum. Her mum found out and slung him out.

I guess I thought she was more accepting of our relationship if she'd agreed to meet me. I know she's partly doing it to please her dad.

I will keep things as they are then and leave it to her.

OP posts:
PrimeraVez · 18/10/2015 11:16

FYI - she hasn't 'transferred a lot of her anger' onto you. She is angry with you. Sorry to sound so harsh and I obviously I don't know your personal circumstances, but I would have found hearing the woman who played a pivotal role in breaking up my family say that I was 'transferring my anger onto her' both intensely patronizing and insulting.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 18/10/2015 11:16

It's taken 15 years for my brothers to accept my dad's partner, who was instrumental in my parent's splitting up. I never will because I don't see either of them. A year is nothing.

WicksEnd · 18/10/2015 11:17

Poor girl Sad under the circumstances I'm surprised she passes the time of day with you to be honest, count yourself very lucky that she does and don't push it further.

BlueBlueBelles · 18/10/2015 11:18

Maybe she doesn't see the point in developing a relationship more. Her dad cheated on her mum with you - she probably thinks (and honestly as a teen hopes) he will cheat on you and move on as well.

You entered into a relationship with a married man. His children, understandably, dislike you.

My relationship with my father was rocky anyway. Once my stepmum was on the scene (and they weren't the reason for the break up) it completely collapsed. I've had no relationship with his for over 15 years now, save the odd family occasion like funerals.

If she's a teen girl, to be perfectly honest you most like never will get a relationship. Which is going to be tough on you. Your partner, her father, may well get invited to things like birthdays, graduations, weddings. And you will not.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 11:19

She hasn't stayed at ours overnight apart from when I went away for a few days.

DP wants us all to go away together for half term but I am not sure it will happen.

She does go out with her friends more than she sees her dad.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 18/10/2015 11:21

Your DP is crazy if he thinks his DD will want to go away with you. As many others have said - she may never want a relationship with you.

PeopleLieActionsDont · 18/10/2015 11:23

Why are you with a man who didn't even choose you but is with you as the back up cos his wife threw him out?

Get some self respect and find a better man!

As for his dd, agree you need to back right off. In her shoes I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. She's talking to her dad because she loves him. That's not going to happen with you so best accept it now.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 11:23

Primera I realise she is angry with me and I get why clearly. I used that phrase as a poster used it upthread which I was responding to.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 18/10/2015 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oswin · 18/10/2015 11:30

Why did he move in with you so soon. You living together is going to have an awful affect on the relationship. She probably wont come round to getting along, there's every chance that will be made worse by him living with you, she will have gone from living with him to not even being able to spend a night over at his. There could be big resentments being stored up now.

DiscoDiva70 · 18/10/2015 11:37

Why are you so concerned about building bridges with your partners dd?

You obviously didn't give a crap about anyone's feelings, except your own, when you were shagging your partner behind her mum's back Hmm
Back off and maybe one day his dd might decide to be civil to you, although don't hold your breath as it's highly likely your partner will be caught screwing someone behind YOUR back and leave you.before this happens.

yankeecandle4 · 18/10/2015 11:40

It took my (now) step sister 15 years before she could be in the same building as my DM without hurling a torrent of abuse at her and I don't blame her

Stop trying to play happy families OP. I'm actually laughing at the thought that your DP is even thinking of you all going on holiday at this stage.

I would reiterate what another poster said; back right off and do not have any expectations for the next ten years any time soon.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 18/10/2015 11:41

Her dad didn't choose me over her mum. Her mum found out and slung him out

But they'd still be together without you on the scene OP.

Teens are very black and white thinkers and lets face it you played a big part in her world changing massively.

The fact that she can even be in a room with you is huge. You need to be incredibly passive, almost invisible and maybe in 20 years or so she'll think you're OK.