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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Building Bridges with DP's DC (sensitive)

141 replies

ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 10:38

I have recently met DP's youngest (mid teens)

She understandably doesn't like me as I contributed to her parents splitting up last year.

I need to build bridges with her and DP and I have taken it slowly and let her meet me in her own time.

I am trying really hard to make an effort but she won't engage much with me. When I ask her things I get short answers and she won't ask me anything back.

Clearly circumstances make meeting me difficult for her but is there anything I can do to make it easier for her?

I do give her time alone with her dad but any tips on thawing the ice would be welcome.

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 18/10/2015 11:48

OP you probably knew you'd get a hard time here! Have some from me.

Affairs and break ups happen and you're trying to make the best of where you are now.

FWIW I had a great relationship with most of the women my dad left other other women (including my mum) for and didn't feel particularly angry towards them or him.
Mostly down to how my mum handled it all I think.

I think you will get there with this girl, but she'll need space to get the relationship with her dad back on track first. Your DP is a teeny bit mental to think you should go away together at half term I'm afraid. Is he always one of life's optimists?

Be positive and nice for the few seconds you see her for but apart from that leave he to it with her dad. That's my advice!

Good luck.

Chippednailvarnish · 18/10/2015 11:55

What Yankee said.

I think you sound completely delusional. Poor kid.

TheBitchOfDestiny · 18/10/2015 11:57

Why are you with a man who didn't even choose you but is with you as the back up cos his wife threw him out? Get some self respect and find a better man

^^ THIS

honestly I would say forming a relationship with his dc is the least of your worries

OP why in the actual hell are you with him??

I would be no ones second choice

InTheBox · 18/10/2015 12:09

Yes, why are you willing to be his 'safety net'?

Baaaaaaaaaaaa · 18/10/2015 12:38

So, you were second choice to the father (otherwise he'd have left his wife for you, not been forced into it by being thrown out) and the daughter hates you.

Why are you even there? No self respect. 'Other women'. Pah!

DuckDuckMoose · 18/10/2015 14:19

In my experience, it'll take about 15 years for a meeting with the OW. And after that a meeting once a year with the father and OW will be frostily polite with an undercurrent of contempt for both.

TheBitchOfDestiny · 18/10/2015 16:58

where has the OP gone?

I want to know why she is with such a dick head, who has not only had an affair and left his wife and kids ....but also she is not even his first choice

InTheBox · 18/10/2015 17:05

I think OP won't be returning. I don't know what she expected tbh... all of us to say, 'Well yes of course you, your partner and his dd can go away for a while and you can become a mother of sorts.'

However, credit where it is minimally due, I've seen other threads like this in which the OP didn't mention that she'd been instrumental to the break-up of a marriage. This OP did admit it. But at least her question has been answered. Hope she returns in a decade or so to tell us how it went.

beax · 18/10/2015 17:11

I was that 15 year old girl once and the OW trying to be my friend whilst I was still dealing with the trauma of my dad leaving was just too much. I also nearly had to go on a holiday with my dad, the OW and her kids.

This is the reason I haven't spoken to my father in 11 years. Follow the advice of PPs and back off. That girl is hurting and doesn't need you making it worse.

I'm sorry for being harsh but I've been there and I'm still affected by it.

tableanadchairs · 18/10/2015 17:20

This story is ringing a bell. I wonder is this is the OW of another poster on here.
Regardless how does it feel to be option B- he is only with you because she doesn't want him ?
Keep looking over your shoulder he cheated on his wife chances are he will do it on you.
Can you blame the DD for wanting little to do with you? You helped break up her family by sleeping with a married man.
Be thankful she actually steps foot in your house--l never did.

mamadoc · 18/10/2015 17:25

Why feel the need to play happy families?? This girl has 2 parents and she doesn't need another one.

I have not been in this position myself but my DH and my both BIL have. They were at loss to understand why their dads wanted to foist another woman on them and why he would need them to like or accept her.

They want to have a relationship with their dads but see no reason why they would need to have a relationship with the woman he is shagging. Purely and simply it is of no interest to them to meet these other women and just causes problems.

Why not be happy in your relationship, be happy that he sees his daughter and just do something for yourself at times when he is seeing his family? Why the need for validation of you as a couple?

To my mind it would be more grown up if people with older children (I can see that with younger DC it's not the same) just carried on with their separate relationships. His children are not your children, you had nothing to do with raising them. His grandchildren will not be your grandchildren. If he leaves you there won't be any ongoing relationship.

Just butt out

Helloitsme15 · 18/10/2015 17:25

It's 20 years since the OW trashed my parents' marriage. I still won't see her or speak to her. Why would I have anything to do with with someone who caused my DM so much pain?

Helloitsme15 · 18/10/2015 17:27

*They were at loss to understand why their dads wanted to foist another woman on them and why he would need them to like or accept her.

^^ this. Exactly this.

mamadoc · 18/10/2015 17:35

In my 2nd hand experience of this these older men who leave their wives after long marriages with older or even adult DC seem to need their children to accept their partner, when there is no practical reason for contact either

A) because they want their relationship validated and their shitty behaviour excused.

B) because they need a woman to manage their personal relationships like their wife always did

Helloitsme15 · 18/10/2015 17:44

mamadoc - I agree 100% with your next post too.

I felt like my dad was trying to force us to see OW as a way of normalising it - like he and OW were just two people who met and fell in love. They weren't. They were 2 people who lied, cheated and caused huge amounts of pain to the families they were supposed to love.

OP - do not expect this girl to look at you with anything but dislike and mistrust for a very long time. She already knows you will hurt anyone to get what you want and lie to those you love along the way.

fastdaytears · 18/10/2015 17:53

Well I am again going to go against the grain! My dad's affairs were obviously upsetting to the women he was supposed to be faithful to but I don't love him for being perfect- I just love him for being my dad (and actually pretty awesome). Latest OW and I are friends and not just to validate my dad's life choices at all. I would be very sad not to have her in my life, and I would never cut my dad out of my life for anything he does in bed with anyone. Not for his benefit but for mine.

My mum was left a mess when he left (for the first of numerous times). I knew why he'd gone but I separated that from my relationship with him and my mum didn't find it disloyal. She never said if she did anyway.

So relationships with the former OW are not necessarily a bad thing. I'm sorry that they have been so hurtful for so many people on this thread.

I know friends who feel mostly the same as me about our philandering dads. We might be a tiny minority I guess but we do exist. So maybe the OP will get there if her DP is given enough space and consideration.

fastdaytears · 18/10/2015 17:54

She already knows you will hurt anyone to get what you want and lie to those you love along the way.

Ok yes the OP has hurt her DP's ex, I don't dispute that but I'm not sure where she's lied.

Hissy · 18/10/2015 18:04

Why would she, or any of his children bother to make your acquaintance op? He cheated on their mother with you, not rocket science that he'll cheat on you?

Some kids never forgive that kind of betrayal. No matter how important it is for you to make everyone believe you are a decent human being. You and the man you now pretend is yours are Neither.

I'm kind of surprised you have to ask...

And if you are the ow to an MN poster.... Words fail.

mamadoc · 18/10/2015 18:09

Fast- I don't think anyone is saying that it is a bad thing to still have a relationship with your father whatever he has done. It's the idea that this level of forgiveness for your parent (which is a good thing) has to include the other woman too.

There is no reason why you can't still have a relationship with your dad but not with the new woman. All too many older DC lose their relationships with their father because of this insistence that OW must be included.

If you happen to like OW I'm sure it's fine. I actually quite like FIL's OW as it goes but I resent the expectation that she must at all times be included in our family occasions when she is not a part of DHs family. It causes issues with his mum still 15 years on and spoils her enjoyment of important occasions like her own daughters wedding. Surely OW could have the good grace to step aside from an occasion like that so that everyone can be relaxed and happy instead of keeping the peace all the time.

turningvioletviolet · 18/10/2015 18:11

From experience, the frosty relationship with your partner's dd will last until the day your partner dies after which the DD will never set eyes on you again bitter, me?

HTH

fastdaytears · 18/10/2015 18:16

That's pretty hard on your FIL not to have his partner included in his family events. My dad's OW and plenty of other OM and OW in my family ARE part of our family. Some have gone on to have children of their own, some haven't. Either way, they're the partners of family members so they're in the family.

I don't forgive my dad because he never failed as a dad. He's brilliant. He has a fair few children and we all love him so much. He's a really shit husband but none of our mums made that our issue.

Anyway I'm being a mental typing this because MN views are not mine on this.l and I'm at risk of upsetting people which I really don't want to.

OP if you're still reading, IRL lots of people have affairs and they aren't ireedeemably awful people who never get to be happy again. I hope everyone in your situation finds some happiness.

FelicityGubbins · 18/10/2015 18:17

Tableandchairs I was thinking the exact same thing....

MrsBungle · 18/10/2015 18:19

I was the Dd too. This was over 20 years ago and I don't speak to her. Because I was young I was forced to spend time with my dad and her. As soon as I was old enough I stopped seeing them both. I've not seen either my dad or his ow for years.

mamadoc · 18/10/2015 18:33

Fast - she does get included and it makes things hard.

Someone had to compromise in these situations, someone is usually unhappy. Funnily enough usually the woman.

Yes, my FIL would probably have enjoyed the wedding less without his partner (and he would probably have refused to come hence she was invited) but my MIL enjoyed it less because the woman he left her for was there.

You can say that 15 years on she should let it go but that's still less than half the length of their marriage. On big occasions like that it is all the more poignant for her that the life she expected, sitting at the top table together will never be. Why should the woman have to swallow that down so that the man who left can feel a bit more comfortable having his partner there?

If your dad was a serial cheat then maybe expectations of him were lower and the attitude is a bit more easy come, easy go.

scatterthenuns · 18/10/2015 18:35

If I was the DD I'd never come around.

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