Building Bridges with DP's DC (sensitive)

[ComeDownToMe]

I have recently met DP's youngest (mid teens)

She understandably doesn't like me as I contributed to her parents splitting up last year.

I need to build bridges with her and DP and I have taken it slowly and let her meet me in her own time.

I am trying really hard to make an effort but she won't engage much with me. When I ask her things I get short answers and she won't ask me anything back.

Clearly circumstances make meeting me difficult for her but is there anything I can do to make it easier for her?

I do give her time alone with her dad but any tips on thawing the ice would be welcome.

OP I actually think its nice that you want to make a relationship with your dp's dc. I speak as someone who was the OW so i am in no position to judge you for that. my husband has previous DC and my god we have had loads of problems over the years understatement and 8 years on its no better

but even removing all the other circumstances out of the equation, I just don't understand why you would be with a man when you know are not his first choice. does it not bother you? I mean this kindly.

also,. ow always get a hard time on here so just try and pick out the constructive comments

Your situation sounds similar to that of my DH. His father had an affair, his mum found out and kicked him out and he went to live with the OW.

My DH was a bit older, 18, but it's only recently that he's been able to speak to his father's partner (the OW). And it's only the last 2 years or so he has allowed joint Christmas cards/presents to be sent to them. She wasn't invited to our wedding.

I think that DH's reluctance to speak to his Dad's partner is out of respect for his Mum (objectively, the OW is a nicer person than his Dad and is much easier to get along with). After the split DH felt obliged to maintain a relationship with his Dad (although he'll never forgive him for how he treated his Mum), and his Mum would not stand in the way of them having a relationship. But DH can maintain respect for his Mum by not seeking a relationship with his Dad's new partner.

It is really helpful hearing how teenagers felt in similar circumstances. I had the view I should try and be friendly with her and chat to her which seems to be entirely the wrong approach based on posters experiences. I will take a step back and leave it to the DD.

I do understand I am very fortunate she has met me. I spent a long time thinking she would not ever agree to meet me. I get it is hard for her and I just want to make it as easy as possible for all of us.

I accept the view I didn't give her a thought when I was having an affair with her dad. I justfied it to myself by thinking she would not know and not get hurt by it. I got that terribly wrong as everyone has been badly hurt.

But you still haven't answered the question why you are willing to be his second choice?

You said his wife threw him out once she found out and and it is only then he came to you. When you say you thought the dd would not know you clearly didn't think his wife would find out either.

When she did, she 'slung' him out and now he's with you. You are 20 years his junior. You are asking the wrong question. You should be asking how you can build some self-respect.

Of course I am fully aware my DP didn't choose to leave his ex for me. I don't feel I am second choice as it would be a fucking hard decision for any man to deliberately choose to hurt his wife and children by leaving for another woman. Factor in the disentangling of a marriage and assets and I can see why it was easier for him to stay with his ex.

I would rather judge our relationship as it is now. He is great with me, very loving and kind. We very much see our future together and he has been the one to want to move our relationship on. I let him dictate the pace because of his circumstances - just out of a marriage and with hurt kids, ex to consider.

I know he loves me and wants to be with me and he has told me if he had hindsight he would have left to be with me because of how good our relationship is.

Op, trying to forge a bond with this man's daughter will not succeed in tying him more closely to you

I don't think you are that bothered about your relationship with her at all, I reckon you are trying your damndest to hang onto him and you see this as another way to show him how wonderful you are

See, this is where I'm curious.

You posted a really long thread which lots of people told you to stop doing because you were effectively antagonising people who'd suffered affairs.

People there felt you were posting an equivalent thread to some existing ones by IWasHappy. Even the nicer posters got sick of you trying to justify and help yourself on a site that's built to support parents.

You're back with the same name and not even social grace or common sense enough to restrict a few details.

So ...

Are you hoping his ex is reading this and will encourage their daughter to be nicer to you?

Are you just out for another kicking because of your "guilt"?

Have you sought professional help for being such a masochist and long term walkover from men?

I don't think he will cheat on me as we are really good together and he's seen how much hurt we have caused.

I have no idea how things will pan out in terms of family occasions in the future but I accept there is more than a possibility I will not be invited.

I have no idea what will happen about going away for half term. DP thinks it would be good if we spent some proper time together and it might help. If DD isn't accepting of me going then I won't go. Nothing will be forced on her.

He initially got his own place and saw his kids there. When he wasn't seeing them he spent most of his time round mine. I do give them plenty of time together so they can watch TV and do stuff without me being there. She has eaten with us and he has cooked her tea too so she spends proper time with him.

Denial, it ain't just a river in Egypt.

I don't think he will cheat on me as we are really good together and he's seen how much hurt we have caused.

I... come on, kick-start your common sense OP. He's not just a cheater, he's a serial cheater. He thrives on the illicit, the excitement of it. Sooner or later those lecherous eyes of his will start a-wandering, no matter what lines he's spun you.

Protect yourself. Don't believe everything he tells you.

As for his DD - She's old enough to decide whether she wants to talk to you or not. Just leave her to re-build her relationship with her father for now.

I don't agree with completely backing off.

My dad's now wife never spoke to me unless she had to, she would always disappear and moan at my dad for buying me anything.

If she had been nice without being to nice we could of got on. The balance is hard to find. Also she's a teenager give it a while being kind and see what happens.

However OP are you sure your happy being someone's second choice? My ego would never allow that.

You don't think he will cheat on you? Really?!

He didn't give his wife any of that respect and they were married with bloody kids.

Please come back in 12-18 months, I'm sure you'll still feel the same....

If he only split up with her last year he must have lived alone for all of six or eight weeks?! Wow.

I've just read your other thread. Wow, what a kicking you got (and seemed to want).

Why on earth would you post under the same username, knowing how vicious many posters will be? You know you can namechange, right?

AF I would like to have a relationship with my DP's DD because she is his DD. It is not cos I think I need to cling onto him.

I would like the situation to be easier for her and we feel it would be easier all round if it was less strained.

I do care about her cos she is my DP's DD and I do feel very guilty for all the hurt we have caused her.

Kacie I left my other thread as it seemed to be causing upset. I was told it was inappropriate to post in relationships so I have posted in chat instead. I also put sensitive in the title so as to minimise upset.

Reiterating what I posted before I am not the OW to that other poster. I would hate for his ex to read this and I would not post if I thought she was on here.

I posted with the best of intentions, as I did last time. I am trying to do the right thing, as much as I can in the circumstances, by his DD. I don't have much experience of kids and really didn't know the best approach.

Yeah I do feel guilty as fuck and no doubt deserve the harsh comments. I am trying to do what I think is best by his DD and not make it any harder for her.

I know I have behaved abysmally and I am not seeking to justify any of it. I am not a heartless bitch and I feel awful and deeply regret all the pain.

OP in all seriousness do you want children of your own?

OP thank you for posting, I know this has been hard reading, and may not have helped you.
But it has helped me.

I have a much better understand the emotions my DHs DCs have felt since being told that I was the OW.
I wasn't, I didn't even know him then, but of course, they don't know who to believe.
The posts on this thread from the teens perspective will help me accept their rejection. Thank you.

Well, for one thing you can't know she's not on here.

For another, as someone else has said after my post above, why wouldn't you have name changed and just asked a more general question?

On that note why even ask the question when the answer is obvious to normal human beings with some level of empathy?

You clearly want a kicking and that's not healthy! I am serious when I say you should seek help for yourself.

The harsh responses here WON'T help you (except I guess if people overdramatise ("you've wrecked their lives forever!") and you can then internally dismiss it all as drama?)

I don't mean to sound like such a bitch BTW.

I'm totally serious about therapy. It's helped me through a very different situation (recurrent miscarriage) and has already helped me uncover a lot about who I am and why.

I just don't think you're really posting with the motives you think you are.

I think the best way to work on your relationship with her is to focus on her relationship with her father and make it clear she is fully in control of how things go from now on, so none of this "my DP wants us all to go away together", he should ask her if she'd like to go away just the two of them or for you to go away so they can be at jk e together - make it clear that if she said she wanted it you would love to get to know her better but it is her call.

Hopefully as she rebuilds a new relationship with your partner and maybe her mother moves on and meets someone else she will "thaw", but I think your approach so far (letting her decide when to meet you) is the right one. Just be patient with the next stage too.

That poor girl it must be so difficult for her.

I can see how torn my sd can be, and I had nothing to do with her parents breakup.

We got together when he'd been single for two years after his ex left him for someone else.

I have known her for nearly seven years now. When she was younger we got on like a house on fire.

As she's gotten older it seems to have changed, for example if we are on our own she will say odd/cruel things to me. And if we have been having fun together I can almost see her trying to reconcile her loyalty for her mum (who isn't a fan of mine, no idea why, I don't know her) and her liking me.

So I can't even imagine what it's like for your partners daughter. I would advise you stay well away and just leave her and her Dad alone at visits, hopefully they may salvage a long lasting relationship, maybe.

Your DP is delusional if he thinks a holiday together will help.

However much time you "give them" together (how kind) it won't compensate in her eyes for the harm you helped cause her. She loves and lived with her father so has strong motivation to see him, but none to get to know you at the moment, which may or may not change in future.

I had nothing to do with DH's marriage finishing and his eldest (now 15) is still monosyllabic with me after 4 years ... so don't be surprised if you don't get very far :(

His suggestion of a holiday is classic cheaters' idea of brushing over things, except with the OW and DC instead of the wronged wife! Doesn't bode well for his reliability as a partner.

As for him being kind to you, if you have no DC in the home you share (ie no hassle with teens every eve) it's not that hard for him to be nice to you day-to-day. Especially when many of his other relationships are fucked up.

Well, if you are not the OW to another mumsnet poster, then it just goes to show what a fucking cliche you and your cheating cunt "dp" are then doesn't it?