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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Building Bridges with DP's DC (sensitive)

141 replies

ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 10:38

I have recently met DP's youngest (mid teens)

She understandably doesn't like me as I contributed to her parents splitting up last year.

I need to build bridges with her and DP and I have taken it slowly and let her meet me in her own time.

I am trying really hard to make an effort but she won't engage much with me. When I ask her things I get short answers and she won't ask me anything back.

Clearly circumstances make meeting me difficult for her but is there anything I can do to make it easier for her?

I do give her time alone with her dad but any tips on thawing the ice would be welcome.

OP posts:

Ormally · 22/10/2015 11:18

I think that the timescale of anything connected to this will be less to do with you and perhaps even less to do with your DP (not nothing, but less), when compared to what happens with the DD's mother and her household/remaining family. The DD will almost certainly be in a position of great support and solace to her DM, whatever the manifestations of her behaviour or her inner turmoil - I know my daughter would be, and she is only young. Most parties in the mix will not have a coherent understanding of all the feelings involved. Even a change in the DM's circumstances (if she eventually starts seeing someone else, say), will put a new slant on things but can't be expected to make it all better.
Don't forget, I'd say, that the DD and other DCs are always going to be number 1 with both of their parents. Hopefully you should have seen this already. This applies now and in 10 years, even if the children no longer feel able to reciprocate that.

TheBitchOfDestiny · 22/10/2015 11:56

OP I have private messaged you.

Duckdeamon · 22/10/2015 12:10

Don't be so bloody passive about the holiday: just say you're not going. It'd be totally inappropriate at this stage of your relationship with his young Dd. your DP needs to consider his DD and stop pressuring her about it, the poor young woman.

summerwinterton · 22/10/2015 12:34

You didn't really care about her very much while you were having an affair with her father did you. Don't pretend to care now. And you facilitating their relationship - what a joke. What the hell has his relationship with his daughter got anything to do with you.

And your relationship is for keeps - well maybe it is until he has another affair with someone else. And how dare you or he presume that you should holiday with this poor girl. This whole post is all about you isn't it? You don't give a shit about her happiness or security, you just want her to validate your sordid affair with her father and make it all clean and lovely. Well it never will be will it.

Original poster

ComeDownToMe · 22/10/2015 13:41

Summer I know I did not consider his DD when I was having an affair with her dad. I did not think she would ever know and yeah I know it is no excuse.

Why do some posters find it so bloody hard to accept I care how she is now. Why wouldn't I! She's my DP's DD so of course I care about her welfare.

As for me faciliatating their relationship well yeah I do. There seems to be plenty of women who make it fucking difficult for their partners to see their kids. I don't get why and I think it's nasty. I want him to have a good relationship with her and if it means I go out so they can watch telly together without me making it harder fir her then I am more than happy to do it.

We don't need anyone to validate our relationship, we're fine as we are.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 22/10/2015 16:48

It doesn't matter very much whether or not you care.

You don't get brownie points for "giving" your DP time with his children because "some women" might not. It's basic stuff. If your DP would allow his partner to reduce or intrude on time with his children he'd be behaving poorly as a father.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 22/10/2015 17:03

Stop holding out for a fucking medal. You will never get one. You are a cheating lying bitch to his daughter, just have the decency to leave the poor girl alone.

PatrickJaneIsRedJohn · 22/10/2015 17:03

She'll always hate you. Why wouldn't she?

People who shag other people's spouses are just not the sort of people nice people want to be around.

fastdaytears · 22/10/2015 17:15

60% of men (in relationships) and 45% of women cheat on their spouses (thanks Independent - top of Google search other stats will probably be different www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/are-we-meant-to-be-monogamous-why-people-cheat-open-relationships-and-life-after-an-affair-10097811.html ) are they all just not the sort of people nice people want to be around? People make mistakes.

I don't think the OP is holding out for a medal at all. I think she is trying and a lot of people in her position wouldn't. I don't know what is to be achieved by making her feel like this awful person who no one will ever like. If she was forcing a relationship on this girl then she should be criticised for that but she's come on here asking for help and from what I can see is taking comments on board.

She didn't ask "am I a good person" and she did mark this as sensitive to try to avoid upsetting anyone.

Original poster

ComeDownToMe · 22/10/2015 18:29

Kacie I asked for advice on how best to engage with my DP's DD. Things I should do and things I shouldn't. Tips, pointers, call it what you will.

Of course I am not clueless on relationships and I certainly do not lack empathy. However, I have not been in my DP's DD's position and I was looking for guidance and advice. Trying to make it easier for her.

No, this is not a reverse thread.

Fast thank you, much appreciated.

OP posts:

BSites · 27/10/2015 22:29

So, OP, having read a certain poster's update, you still claim to not be the OW?

Original poster

ComeDownToMe · 29/12/2015 12:46

Cheers for all the advice it has helped. I do not want to lose the advice after the 90 days so I am posting to report and move.

OP posts:

Knitmyshickers10 · 29/12/2015 22:12

I'm interested to know how your fathers have coped with you all not getting on or accepting the OW? My father has disowned me as I didn't accept his new girlfriend who appeared on the scene two weeks after my mother died (I supect they were seeing each other before).

I've been told that unless I accept her as part of the family and treat her with the respect and adoration that he has for her then he doesn't want anything to do with me. So I've not spoken to him since April. Prick.

OnADarkDesertHighway · 30/12/2015 13:19

DP's DD did not accept me at all to start with. Fucking hated me and would not meet me. DP did not pressurise her, accepted she needed a lot of time. It took her about 9-10 months to agree to meet me.

Shame your dad has pressurised you and it would be good if he accepts he is in the wrong and understands he cannot force this on you.

Knitmyshickers10 · 30/12/2015 17:01

My father brought her to my home within a month. My kids aged 15 and 12 were left feeling very upset. It's like he's had a sense bypass. I understand people deal with grief and losing partners in different ways but this takes the biscuit.

Original poster

ComeDownToMe · 02/01/2016 13:44

Far too quick IMO. It takes a long time to get over losing a parent and no surprise you were not ready to meet your dad's girlfriend after a month!

I am sorry your dad is being so inconsiderate about your feelings. Perhaps you could write to him and tell him how you feel. I am sure you could have done with your dad's support in coping with losing your mum.

OP posts:

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