Building Bridges with DP's DC (sensitive)

[ComeDownToMe]

I have recently met DP's youngest (mid teens)

She understandably doesn't like me as I contributed to her parents splitting up last year.

I need to build bridges with her and DP and I have taken it slowly and let her meet me in her own time.

I am trying really hard to make an effort but she won't engage much with me. When I ask her things I get short answers and she won't ask me anything back.

Clearly circumstances make meeting me difficult for her but is there anything I can do to make it easier for her?

I do give her time alone with her dad but any tips on thawing the ice would be welcome.

shoesSHOES - best post I have ever read on MN. You have put that brilliantly.

Well said Shoes.

Just re-read the original post, about how the OP does give the child time alone with her dad. Well how generous of you Lady Bountiful, bestowing the gift of parental time to other people's children.

You need to understand that the least important person in this whole scenario is you. You created this mess, along with your cheating boyfriend - you do not have the right to be offended or upset that other people are not playing along with your little romantic dream in the manner you hoped for.

I'm usually quite liberal on the cheating threads- everyone makes mistakes, doesn't mean they're a write off morally, blah blah blah. But when my DM (who had a long term affair of at least ten years) looked she was getting bucked out of the house when I was 19 because she wouldn't stop seeing him, I told her it would be a cold day in hell before I saw her again or the dick she was cheating with. So the fact that she actually shares the same air space with you is better than what I'd manage. Back off. You don't need to be "friends" because the only people that would serve to make feel better is you and your partner, who seem to have 'making each other feel better' down pat anyway.

TheCraicDealer - did your mum stay?

It's so odd that some people don't believe that DC have their own views about what has happened and that the DC should just comply with whatever their parents want without complaint.
Presumably the OP could understand why DPs wife might not like her. But apparently the kids are supposed to see their family split apart, watch their mum's pain, feel their own grief at the loss, probably lose their home - but still greet OW with a cheery smile and open mind to how lovely she might be?
This thread is doing my head in. I'm off!!

Teenagers aren't always chatty aside from with their friends.

Don't be OTT just be nice and relaxed. My dad's OW (who I was happy to see) was unbearably friendly towards me and even as a young child I knew she just wanted the goss from me on my dad/mum/sis. There shouldn't be any agenda. If she's met you that's good enough.

Hello (if you're still reading this) I'm not sure how you can feel frustrated when everyone on the thread (except for the OP and me) are saying the exact same thing as you! So you are in good company and I'm not sure what can be doing your head in.

I was definitely allowed my own views when I was the daughter in this situation. What I would never have believed though is that the relationships that my dad left for OW were happy ones that would have been totally fine if this OW had not skipped into his office/life.

Yes it would have been a lot better without the overlap, but the OW were not the reason why the relationships broke down. The main reason if we're honest was my dad. No OW however temporary or permenant caused me to move house, lose family etc. That was my parents (one in particular).

Lots of RL friends seem to feel similarly. So OP I still think that you are not a terrible home wrecking slut and that you do have a chance of making this work if you are really sensitive and frequently absent (as you have played it to date).

she just wanted the goss oh yes this 100%. Even if you don't think you're fishing for info on spending, dating, whatever, it will come across like that. And if you don't think the kid is smart enough to know what you're doing then they are! No questions at all about their mum even if it's meant in a lovely interested way.

fastdaytears - that post has just stirred up old feelings I can do without. How can the now long gone op be so mind-bogglingly stupid with her cutesy "look at me trying to be nice?" post.

Her dad didn't choose me over her mum. Her mum found out and slung him out.

Like that makes it better!

I've not RTFT, but I think you need to lower your expectations. Probably to about floor level.

I was (just) a teenager when DM cheated, and now, over a decade later, I still won't be in the same room as the twat she broke my Dad for.

Don't send presents, don't expect invites (the OM wasn't welcome at my wedding, to meet my firstborn or many other family events for example), and don't, above all else, try to explain why you deserve a chance.

I despise the OM - while I'm sure you're not an evil person, in her eyes, you really are. Sorry.

I'm sorry that you were upset. I think our experiences are a long way apart so there's not much point in me pretending to know how you feel.

I think the OP was trying to make the best of a really horribly situation. I doubt she thought anyone would reply to tell her how lovely she is, but you're right if that was her hope and she thought MN was the place then that is mind boggling indeed.

Sorry to Murloc and MammaTJ for the cross post. Clearly I was aiming my reply at Hello.

Murloc did you have your mother at your wedding? Do you think your parents would be together now if it wasn't for OM? well either way I hope your dad is doing ok now.

Fast - yes, my Mum was there. Made a PA song and dance about not being allowed to bring OM though. He went to DSis' wedding, although she was younger when the affair happened and doesn't remember it in quite the same detail as I do.

They might have had a chance - who knows. They'd have had a better chance without the OM, that's for sure. My Dad is great - he's the nicest man in the world, and DM thought she could treat him how she wanted. He had a heart attack from the stress of it all and nearly died - quite hard to forgive imo!

I imagine your sister being younger does make a difference.

Sorry to hear about your dad's heart and hope he's strong and healthy now.

Over two threads now I've remained utterly staggered by the sheer level of delusion OP is sustaining.

Going by the last twenty years of this guy's life, you know he's lying because his lips are moving. But no, apparently that's just because he hadn't met the right girl (although he failed to recognise her even when he did until his wife threw him out).

shoes, I salute every word of your eloquent post. Especially the part about OP and cockwomble creating the poor dd's pain and grief, rather than her unfairly transferring it to OP.

I would hate me too if I was my DP's DD. I am trying to do the right thing by her as much as I can in the circumstances. A lot of your posts have been tremendously helpful in giving me pointers for do's and don't's. Cheers.

The circumstances are very delicate and the last thing I wish to do is cause her more pain.

I have told DP to take his DD on holiday without me but he really wants me to come so I am not sure of the plans as I am leaving it to them to sort out.

Fastday thanks both for your advice and for being supportive.

DP is frequently pessimistic but he thought his DD would agree to come away with me cos they have a good relationship. I think he may have misjudged it perhaps.

Yeah I am trying to make the best of where we are now. We can't undo the damage we have caused so I am trying to minimise any further upset.

Mama I am not seeking validation of us has a couple. My DP would like his DD and I to have a relationship of sorts. She has made her own decision to meet me and we have been respectful of her feelings. It is natural he would want us to get on if at all possible but it will be on her terms.

AF if she thought I was temporary she would not have agreed to meet me in the first place.

She has asked her dad about our relationship and she has now accepted our relationship is serious and for keeps.

Finola his DD gets plenty of time with her dad where they watch telly together and he cooks. I regularly make myself scarce so they have such time together. We have tried to give her as much of a normal relationship with her dad as possible.

She is more than welcome to stay overnight if she ever wishes to.

AF if she thought I was temporary she would not have agreed to meet me in the first place

She has asked her dad about our relationship and she has now accepted our relationship is serious and for keeps

Nah. She quite rightly hates your guts and can't wait for you to fuck off. She's only putting up with you because the fuckwit the poor girl has to call a father is shagging you. Poor kid.

chipped that might be true but it might not. None of us know what this particular child is thinking.

I don't think I could have met the woman who ruined my dp marriage either, sorry op!
As for anger transferance, I was angry with them both. Could I have an affair with a married man, no. Could I break up a family? No.

I know its more common these days and everyone has a blended family. In our day it was a huge massive shock and I am afraid it killed my DM off early, and ruined my young years, and I couldn't concentrate on school, all for selfish desires. I had to pick up most of the pieces by myself at home from a young age.

I would make it very clear you hope one day to get to know her better, your always there should she ever want to talk, you totally understand however if she doesnt, but your always at the end of the phone or around if she may need you, then leave it.

Ooops didn't see Shoes post and as a child once in that position I have to agree.

She makes very good points, although to be fair to op, I also think in her way she is trying!!

Many wreck homes and don't bother, incl of course the men who abandon their dc.

Op, do bide your time, do listen to shoes words, and be as nice as you can.

Duchess I appreciate your honesty and replies like yours are helpful to me in trying to do the right thing as much as I can. Cheers.

Worzels their is no faux concern for his DD as you put it. She is my DP's DD so of course I care how she is.

Obviously I do care about my DP and he would like it if we could all get on. It's nice some of you get that.

Office thank you for not condemning me and understanding what I am trying hard to do.

Argh. How are you so self deluded though that this wasn't obvious to you? Why did you need people on Mumsnet to state the obvious?

Are you always this insensitive and clueless about relationships?

Seriously you need some help finding empathy for others.

or is this just a reverse of another thread?