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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Building Bridges with DP's DC (sensitive)

141 replies

ComeDownToMe · 18/10/2015 10:38

I have recently met DP's youngest (mid teens)

She understandably doesn't like me as I contributed to her parents splitting up last year.

I need to build bridges with her and DP and I have taken it slowly and let her meet me in her own time.

I am trying really hard to make an effort but she won't engage much with me. When I ask her things I get short answers and she won't ask me anything back.

Clearly circumstances make meeting me difficult for her but is there anything I can do to make it easier for her?

I do give her time alone with her dad but any tips on thawing the ice would be welcome.

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 18/10/2015 18:42

You can say that 15 years on she should let it go

Well not let it go exactly and I don't like telling anyone what they should do but it does seem a long time to still be feeling like that. But I'm sure other people will think it's totally reasonable and they might have more relevant experience.

Yes I will happily concede that expectations of my father are low! But other men and women in my family had a better track record before the affair and so the facts came as more of a shock. For a certain period things were awkward, but weddings etc have all gone well and relationships with the OW/OM seem good to me. I like them anyway (oh actually not one of them but you can't choose your family and I'm not wild about the family member she's married to!) and they are part of the family.

Micah · 18/10/2015 18:56

I can't speak to dh's ex (she had an affair, moved other man in when he was away for the weekend).

Anyone who can treat another person like that I simply don't want to know.

She met you and is civil. More than I could do.

AnyFucker · 18/10/2015 19:03

I expect she can't be arsed with you as you are clearly temporary

beax · 18/10/2015 20:03

All too many older DC lose their relationships with their father because of this insistence that OW must be included

Yes. From bitter experience.

Finola1step · 18/10/2015 20:55

This scenario reminds me of my uncle. He was married for many years, unhappily for most. Affairs on both sides, or so the story goes. Marriage broke down when the youngest dc (my cousin) was 21. Uncle left and promptly moved in with family friend.

The upshot was that for over 15 years my cousin couldn't bear to be in the same room as her Dad's new wife. Even at his funeral. Right or wrong, that is how my cousin felt.

The fact is that the relationship between the OP's partner and his daughter has been damaged. The dd won't stay at her own parent's home if the OP is there. No over nights, no evening meals. No watching Strictly or X Factor together over a pizza. Poor kid.

Penfold007 · 18/10/2015 21:25

You got in the way of her relationship with her father the moment you became the OW. She may never accept you and she doesn't have too.

DuchessOfWeaseltown · 18/10/2015 21:48

Oh, OP, that poor 15 yo :(
Sorry but I really just feel terrible for her.
I was 13 when my dad had an affair (with a friend of the family, charmingly) and though he didn't in the end leave us for her, and even though it's now almost 30 years later, I can't even think about her without getting a pounding heart and feeling sick (sorry if that sounds an extreme over reaction but I can't help it)
I saw her just once after the affair was discovered and I was all broken out in a genuine cold sweat, iti was at a busy event so I didn't even have to make eye contact with her but even thinking about that moment brings it all back.
If my dad had stayed with her and left my mum... nope, I don't think I could have found a way around it, I don't think I could ever have felt ok with it.
Obviously these things depend a lot on the exact circumstances of the affair and the break-up but if, as it sounds from your post, it's a man with teen kids leaving their mother for another woman... unless the first wife was gaily waving her ex husband off and counting her blessings that some other poor wench was lumbered with him now, and cosily meeting the OW for coffee and chats... nope, I just don't see any way that a 15 year old could possibly be expected, in the limited amount I've understood of your circumstances, to be OK with it.
She has to confront the fact that her dad has sex, quite apart from anything else. She is 15. Her home has been broken up. Quite possibly her mum is depressed, or struggling. Money might be tighter. She is a child in many ways still.
I don't think she shoudl have to be OK with it at all, I think it is her perfect right to be as shitty about it as she feels like.
Sorry but that's just my take on it, from the other side.
Hope this thread has been hepful to you, genuinely, and that you're getting something from the replies.

Helloitsme15 · 18/10/2015 21:56

fastdaytears - you're right in that I am speculating that op has lied, but I don't know many people who have had affairs with married people who have been honest about it and not relied on lies to cover it up.

OfficeGirl1969 · 18/10/2015 22:28

Is it not possible that the OP is hoping to build bridges because she cares about her partner and wants to eventually get to know his daughter, even though she clearly knows it will be difficult and may never happen?
I'm not condoning an affair but I think she was brave to be honest and admit how their relationship began.

And I'm pretty sure she had read these replies and chosen to keep away, which is sad when she seems to have just come here asking for help.

Nobody is perfect, maybe she just wants to try and make something good out of what has happened.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 18/10/2015 22:43

Isn't this all remarkably similar is this to another thread!

OP, if you're still reading, I think you need to back off. I'm not falling for the faux concern for his DD, you didn't give a shit about her when you were shagging her dad. You want a good relationship with her to legitimise your position in your relationship. You're second choice and you know it, why you'd stick around for that is beyond me, your life, your call. However, your DP's DD didn't choose any of this, so back off and stop pretending to care. Let her come round to you in her own time, if she wants to.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 18/10/2015 22:44

Jesus, that first sentence isn't even English. Sorry, it's been a long day.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 19/10/2015 10:00

I am still reading and some of the comments are very helpful, thanks.

I have posted previously if some of it seems familiar. No his ex is not on MN.

I am at work now and I haven't had a chance to reply to comments earlier but I should get on after work and reply then.

OP posts:
Helloitsme15 · 19/10/2015 10:50

Is there an OWNet?
You can just imagine some of the threads on there. Hmm

CrabbyTheCrabster · 19/10/2015 10:54

Blimey, you're brave incredibly masochistic posting this in Relationships... you know you'll be absolutely pilloried for being the OW, right? Confused MN is not the place to confess an affair - you'll get crucified by women who've been shat on from a great height by cheating men!

Re your situation; I'd back right off and not try too hard. I'd be pleasant but stop trying to be her friend/establish a bond - it'll take her a while to accept you, I'd imagine, and she might never do so. She may well feel conflicted or disloyal to her mother by having a relationship with you.

As to going away together over half term... your DP needs to ask her if she's comfortable with that, and respect her answer without trying to pressure her.

OllyBJolly · 19/10/2015 11:17

Just to give another perspective, my two DDs grew to love the OW. She was a genuinely nice person, and although their relationship has broken up, the girls keep in touch with her and see her much more often than they see her dad (who lives 400 miles away so not that easy). I obviously wasn't around when they were together so don't know how she played it so, sorry, no tips there.

I met my DH when my two were 12 and 14. The 12 year old was fine, the 14 year old was awful. Not nasty - just didn't engage, didn't make him feel welcome, didn't make an effort. They are both incredibly close now - both technogeeks, into SciFi and share boxed sets. She told him about her tattoo a year before I found out about it Shock

Teenagers are difficult anyway and you're in a horrible set of circumstances. I think you have to accept it's not going to be easy. You will be blamed for destroying her world - and in her eyes that is exactly what you have done. (despite the fact it was her dad who broke his vows, not you). I would keep a respectful distance. If you get to a good place then fab, but don't set any expectations.

Helloitsme15 · 19/10/2015 11:27

OllyBJolly - I hate posts where people try to say that the OW is blameless because she didn't break any vows. The OW knew he was married, had children, she knew that the outcome she wanted will destroy a family and caused so much pain. But she went after him anyway.
She is every bit as much to blame as the unfaithful man.

PosterEh · 19/10/2015 11:44

It took me 5-10years to meet my df's OW (I can't be bothered to work it out exactly). A large part of my anger was because my df refused to accept any responsibility foR the situation or admit she was the OW. It was all my dm's fault for not understanding him enough apparently Hmm. I also felt that he was using my acceptance to normalise his relationship with her.

Tbf, once I did meet her I like her and we have a pretty good relationship now. I still hold a huge amount of anger towards my df for how he handle the situation but I manage to have a relationship with him. I wouldn't rely on him in a million years though.

BSites · 19/10/2015 12:05

I suggest that posters read the OP's previous thread.

I find it very hard to believe that she is not the OW of another regular poster, even though she claims otherwise.

Self serving crap from someone with no shame.

Inertia · 19/10/2015 12:45

Frankly you should be grateful that she is actually speaking to you at all, given how instrumental you were in ripping her life apart.

The time to be sensitive to the needs of the children was before you started shagging their father. You didn't give a shiny shite about this girl's feelings when you and her father broke their family up.

The best thing you can do is stay out of the way so that her father can attempt to rebuild the bridges he destroyed without you sticking your beak in there too. You don't deserve the privileges associated with being a stepmother (and I speak as someone who loves her stepmother dearly).

OllyBJolly · 19/10/2015 13:13

Hello I'm not saying she is blameless, of course not. It is entirely wrong to get involved with a married man. I can't think of any circumstance where it could be justified.

But it's not always about a woman destroying a family and going after him. It was her DP who broke the vows, and - to be brutal - if it hadn't been with her it would likely have been with someone else. He's the one who made the promises to his wife and who broke his daughter's heart. But - what's done is done. No amount of vitriol or regret will put things right now.

It sounds like the relationship is being rebuilt with her dad - and that's good. However, in the girl's eyes the OW is the one who is solely to blame. If it hadn't been for her, life would be exactly as it was before. That's a huge barrier for the OP to get over, maybe even insurmountable.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 13:17

BSites, you might as well say who the "regular poster" is that op is allegedly now with

Helloitsme15 · 19/10/2015 13:17

in the girl's eyes the OW is the one who is solely to blame - why do you think this is the case?

OllyBJolly · 19/10/2015 13:51

because she won't - and shouldn't - believe that her dad was thinking with his prick and put his own pleasure before his responsibilities to his wife and family. It's much easier to heap blame on to the other party - the poor man was led away by her evil influence.

I don't buy that. It depresses me that women are so quick to judge other women, but make excuses and allowances for the man. They were both in the wrong. He, more so, because he's the one who broke his vows to his wife and promises to the children he brought into the world.

amazingtracy · 19/10/2015 14:05

Work on your morals and self esteem before you mess around a child's mind. Back off and leave her alone IMO. You have played a huge part in turning her world upside down-accept that and stop trying to brush over the cracks.

I'm stunned that you and your partner are even considering bringing the poor child on a holiday. Do you really think her mother will allow it?

It seems that you have gotten yourself a right catch there!

Helloitsme15 · 19/10/2015 14:07

Olly You must be reading a different thread to the rest of us - nobody has made any excuses or allowances for the man at all. He is being judged as harshly as the OP, if not more so.

Ironic that you think that there should be some sort of sisterhood rules that prevents us from judging OWs harshly - but where is this sisterhood when they decide to shag a married man?
I think both the man and the woman are despicable when they have an affair. It is not about gender, or judging women more harshly or any of that crap. Both parties are equally to blame and equally arseholes.