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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd at uni, downsizing, how to tell her?

190 replies

thetimeisnow · 29/09/2014 12:53

we have Dd19 Ds17 and Ds3

we came to a compromise to keep her room 'as it is ' for a year while she adjusts to uni.
we are currently in a rented 3 bed house, Dh & I are in one of the 'living rooms' downstairs.
.

The rent is quite high and we do not have a garden. we desperately want to save for a deposit for our own house.
We have been given the opportunity to move into a council property which will save us rent. But it is 3 bedrooms.
How the heck do I tell her? obviously she will still be welcome and we are getting a sofa bed. I know it won't be her room with her private space, but I do feel that we need to move on.

Any advise please, I do struggle standing up to her as she does like to be quite controlling.

OP posts:
TheGirlFromIpanema · 29/09/2014 12:57

You are still sleeping in the living room while dd is away at uni? Shock

Just explain to her.

If she's at Uni she should be clever enough to realise the current situation is not making sense! If you could give her storage space and a bed at the new house I'm sure it would soften the blow Smile

Twitterqueen · 29/09/2014 13:02

I sympathise OP.
As I was going to uni my parents were getting divorced. My mother & us kinds (5 of us) had to move to a 3-bed property. As the eldest, I'd always had a room of my own, and I had the small box room in the new house. The next holiday however, after a week or so at home, in my bedroom, I bought one of my old schoolfriends in to see our new house and my bedroom - only to find my mother had moved me out one Saturday morning, and all my possessions were in the conservatory.

I knew it made sense but I was so so hurt and upset that she hadn't told me. If she had explained beforehand I would have been OK with it.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2014 13:03

Just say, "Hey, we've had great news! We can get a three bedroomed council house and save loads on rent! Because you have your uni room for most of the year, we'll buy a sofa bed for when you're home and you'll have X cupboard space for your things."

When she shouts, "What about my room!!!!" you say, "You have your room at uni!"

FrazzledMiddleChild2 · 29/09/2014 13:03

It sounds like the obvious decision, practically, logically................

I know what you mean about having a controlling daughter. My daughter can be a bit narcissistic although she's not college age, but her default mindset is quite egocentric. She does have a very (ahem) secure sense of entitlement. Her sense of entitlement can be a bit of a forcefield actually, mere logic, economy and practicality mightn't necessarily pierce my daughter's forcefield of entitlement. Just keep repeating 'we can't afford to stay here'. "we can't afford to stay here". Dripping tap technique. Bon courage & Hold strong.

Whooshtheyweregone · 29/09/2014 13:11

When I went to Uni my youngest brother was only five months old. I came home for the weekend halfway through the first term, opened my bedroom door and discovered a beautifully decorated nursery! It gave me quite a shock as mum and dad hadn't mentioned anything to me. Mum tried to console me by showing me the new fold up bed and electric heater they had bought so I could sleep in the conservatory! If they had told me beforehand it would have been fine as I could have packed my things up myself and would have been prepared. Logically I knew that DB would need his own room soon but it just hadn't crossed my mind. I'm sure if you discuss it with your DD first she will be fine and wouldn't expect you to sleep in the living room!

phonebox · 29/09/2014 13:12

My Mum just moved without telling or consulting me.

She's left now - she's an adult - it's your house - just go for it!

eatyourveg · 29/09/2014 13:15

be up front with her

I came home in reading week of first term - df picked me up from the station and on the 10 minute car ride home told me that they had rented my room out to a medical student and I'd be ok on the sofa wouldn't I?

still hurts 30 years later - my things were boxed up and some of it was chucked out as I never saw it. Just wish they had been honest and told me the situation and what their intentions were - weekly letters and phone calls didn't mention anything remotely like it

she will be ok if you tell her straight whats happening

AnyFucker · 29/09/2014 13:21

Did I read that correctly ?

Your daughter is now living away from home at Uni and you have kept her bedroom empty for her to the extent that you are sleeping in the living room ?

I cannot get my head around that and my advice to "just tell her" you are downsizing is dying on my fingertips...

ChippingInLatteLover · 29/09/2014 13:27

In a big family home where there's plenty of room for everyone & guests - good, great, leave rooms as they are...

But for the love of fuck, how wet are you and your DH that in a cramped family home, you are sleeping in a reception room so that your (frankly rude and selfish) daughter has her room untouched while she's at Uni?

Absolutely batshit. Wise up.

ChillySundays · 29/09/2014 13:37

Tell her now. She is an adult. I know it isn't ideal but she old enough to understand money

titchy · 29/09/2014 15:44

Agree tell her now - but can you put her stuff in the new box room (where presumably your little one will go) and she sleeps there when she's home and lo bunks in with big bro?

AlpacaMyBags · 29/09/2014 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fillie · 29/09/2014 16:02

Hi, this happened to me, except my Mum moved into a one bed flat when I left for uni. I thought it was a good idea, she got a sofa bed for the living room so I had somewhere to sleep when I came home, I was fine and completely understood. I occasionally had slight feelings of homelessness after I left Uni and lacked a job/ purpose/ home. I guess this is what you are concerned about, it's nice that you care but for me it did mean I grew up and got on with my life, all we can do as parents is prepare our children for adulthood.
I know some 20 and 30 somethings who are coddled by their parents and who are housed by them, once you are 18 I really think you ought to be able to sort your own housing out.

The others all have really good suggestions especially about letting her have youngest child's room when home for the summer etc.
Good luck.

Original poster
thetimeisnow · 29/09/2014 17:04

Thank You for all the replies.
Yes I am wimp when it comes to asserting myself with Dd, she is also very self entitled.
When I originally said we were going to move into her room she cried and told me if we did that 'then seriously I'm not ever going to see you again'
Very much the drama queen, once shed calmed down we compromised on keeping it for a year while she settled.

I'm glad you've all validated our decision to move. I feel more positive and shall be assertive when I tell her now.

Using the youngest room wouldn't be a problem but
1: we have just got him a cabin bed with lots of storage, not sure her 6' self would fit!
2: Dsd visits regularly and she would be sleeping in there whilst d's sleeps-in with us probably.

There will be a set of drawers going spare after the move so I can set them aside for Dds things.

OP posts:
frazmum · 29/09/2014 21:24

Sounds like a sensible move. But remember with uni students they are home for almost 3 months over summer. Can you make the new arrangements work then?

Viviennemary · 29/09/2014 21:28

I think that's a bit sad that your DD will lose her room. Your house is still her home. I'd try and get her a room in your new house or she will feel pushed out.

Dropdeadfred2 · 29/09/2014 21:29

What about when she finished uni and may wish to live at home for a while?

hugoagogo · 29/09/2014 21:30

Do students go 'home' 3 months of the year? Confused

I went home christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day when I was at uni and that's only because the buses didn't run on boxing day!

Littlefish · 29/09/2014 21:33

Viviennemary - the op has said that they have been offered a house which does not have the spare room to have one sitting empty.

The dd has, in effect, left home. She is away 9 months of the year and is now an adult. Why should she have a room sitting there empty while her parents sleep in a reception room downstairs.

CheerfulYank · 29/09/2014 21:34

After I left for college at 18 (am American) I never lived at home again.

I can't believe anyone would expect you to keep a whole room free for her. She is an adult!

CheerfulYank · 29/09/2014 21:34

Agree LittleFish

exexpat · 29/09/2014 21:35

Some students don't get a choice about going home in the holidays - if you are in student halls of residence or an Oxbridge college, for example, the rooms are often used during university vacations for conferences or let out to tourists (it's cheaper for students that way, as they only have to pay rent during term-time). So the OP's DD may have to come back for a few months a year, unless she is living in a private rental place with a full-year contract. Even so, by the sound of it the plan to move sounds like it is probably necessary.

PrimalLass · 29/09/2014 21:35

Uni terms only total about 30 weeks.

trice · 29/09/2014 21:36

She is going to cry and flounce. Let her. She needs to see you standing up to her so she learns not to be manipulative. Otherwise she will be growing into a rather difficult person if you are not careful.

Blu · 29/09/2014 21:36

19 year old students still need a place during the holidays, don't they? And what when they finish Uni and are launching themselves but before they have a job?

I can see your dilemma, and so will she if you approach it right. I would make a special cupboard for her stuff, or something.

I can imagine she will feel a bit ousted - not necessarily controlling to feel attached to your family home while still a student.