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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd at uni, downsizing, how to tell her?

190 replies

thetimeisnow · 29/09/2014 12:53

we have Dd19 Ds17 and Ds3

we came to a compromise to keep her room 'as it is ' for a year while she adjusts to uni.
we are currently in a rented 3 bed house, Dh & I are in one of the 'living rooms' downstairs.
.

The rent is quite high and we do not have a garden. we desperately want to save for a deposit for our own house.
We have been given the opportunity to move into a council property which will save us rent. But it is 3 bedrooms.
How the heck do I tell her? obviously she will still be welcome and we are getting a sofa bed. I know it won't be her room with her private space, but I do feel that we need to move on.

Any advise please, I do struggle standing up to her as she does like to be quite controlling.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 29/09/2014 21:37

Just call her and tell her as "good news!"

Do it now, so she's got lots of time to get used to it.

CheerfulYank · 29/09/2014 21:41

Blu literally everyone I know got an apartment during the summer/after college.

I appreciate things may be more difficult now, but I have a friend in her 20s at college who is the same...she and all her friends are renting apartments together.

TsukuruTazaki · 29/09/2014 21:44

The thing about having to go "home" for the holidays (I personally never did) surely only applies to first years. The DD Has had the room kept for her during first year and now I would imagine she is going into private rental as hardly any students stay in halls beyond first year. Most universities don't have enough accommodation for it to even be an option.

OP I think the move is sensible and your daughter needs to think about your needs as well as just her own.

As for needing to keep space for her when she graduates in case she wants to move home as some suggested, what's wrong with the expectation that she should get a job and support herself? Confused it would be crazy to keep a bigger house you can't afford just on the off chance she might want to come and stay a while in a few years!

Be firm with her.

Viviennemary · 29/09/2014 21:45

I don't agree that when somebody is a student they have left home. They haven't. And as somebody else says it isn't always an option to stay during the holidays if you live in halls. I'd have been devastated if I was told I no longer had a room at my parents house.

doobledootch · 29/09/2014 21:46

vivene really? I think it's more sad that the daughter is so selfish that she would let her parents sleep in the living room rather than a room she no longer has a need for.

OP your daughter is a fuss making drama queen because you let her get her way when she behaves like if. Of course it's sad when your parents move on from the family home, but she should be adult to understand that this is the best decision for the family. There are plenty of ways to make sure she will still feel welcome.

UniS · 29/09/2014 21:52

Lots of people DO leave home when they go to college and don't "go home" for more than a short stay again. If your not in hall you generally have to pay rent all through the long summer break. Part time jobs in term time can often offer extra hours at Christmas and in the summer.

Personally - my parents moved during my " gap year" shortly before I went to college, I moved out from the old family home into a bed sit to stay near my job, then spent a week at the new family house before I left for college. Since then I have never stayed there longer than 10 days. My parents did call one of the bedrooms mine but it was in truth always the spare room.

whosafraidofnaomiwolf · 29/09/2014 21:55

Umm, I'm confused & think I may be missing something. As I understand it the new place is 3 bedrooms, no?

3 bedroomed house = 1 bedroom for DD and DSD (when she comes. Bunk bed?); 1 bedroom for DS's (Bunk beds); 1 bedroom for you (whatever bed you fancy Grin). Everyone has a room. Everyone has to share - that's family life isn't it?

However, you do need to tell her, and she does need to grow up a bit about it all. Good luck.

CheerfulYank · 29/09/2014 22:02

Vivienne even if it meant your parents were sleeping in a living room nine months out of the year? Really, you'd be devastated? Confused

Viviennemary · 29/09/2014 22:05

The parents don't need to sleep downstairs. The two others can share. I suppose I'm just selfish. Blush

coffeeslave · 29/09/2014 22:13

Vivienne, A 17 yo and a 3 yo can't really share, though. If the 19 yo is 'entitled' to a room of her own, why not a 17 yo?

Viviennemary · 29/09/2014 22:15

No you're right they can't. What I think I'd do is this. Parents own room. 17 year old own room. 3 year old own room. When DD comes home from Uni either 3 year old goes in with 17 year old temporary or in with parents. It's not ideal and of course rooms might not be big enough for extra bed.

badasahatter · 29/09/2014 22:18

We talked about downsizing tonight with dd, who is 13. She knows, as soon as she flits to uni (if she decides to go) we're moving house. She says she doesn't care about us keeping her room as it is, she'll be happy to be living away! If we decide to stay she'll stay as a guest, in the guest bedroom.

I do wonder if we've brought her up to be a little too un-sentimental! But then, she did ask us to keep a few of her teddies, just in case she decides to have children at some point in her life.

itsbetterthanabox · 29/09/2014 22:30

Can't she just share with one of her siblings when she's back. Put a bed in their room so it's both their room. What about over the summer and when she finishes uni? She can't just magic up a job and accommodation. She needs to have a room at home, she's your child! But 2 can share.

noddyholder · 29/09/2014 22:33

God I would never do that until ds was ready. He will have a home with us until he leaves home properly The summer is months and the time does fly. I think it would be horrible to feel pushed out like that. But I have experience of it with my own mum and it was awful

itsbetterthanabox · 29/09/2014 22:35

Some of you are just nasty. It saddens me that your own kids have to deal with you.
She is not a flouncing drama queen for wanting to come home!
Imagine if she had gone to her hometown uni. Imagine that!

noddyholder · 29/09/2014 22:36

My ds and all his mates still consider home hone iygwim Uni digs are not home and most graduates live at home now for years!

doobledootch · 29/09/2014 22:48

It was her mother that called get a drama queen. It is not horrible to bring your children up to have consideration for others. No one is saying that she shouldn't be welcome in the family home and have space made for her if or when she's back in the holidays, she just doesn't get priority treatment any more. Would you honestly all expect your parents to be significantly worse off financially to spare your feelings?

itsbetterthanabox · 29/09/2014 22:53

No but I think she should have a room. She should be sharing with a sibling not on a sofa bed. It's unrealistic to think she'll never be back and it's unfair to say she's wrong for wanting to.

noddyholder · 29/09/2014 22:55

In teh current economic climate university is most definitely not leaving home. Very unsettling to feel pushed out

CheerfulYank · 29/09/2014 23:10

My children will always have a home with me.

However, the needs of the children who are still children and still at home will come first.

I would never dream of putting my parents out or making them pass up on a cheaper accommodation to have my childhood room as some sort of shrine. Maybe it's a cultural thing but I find that really bizarre.

I'm not saying the DD won't be a bit sad...it's hard to let go of being a kid in a way. But that's life and being a bit sad does not translate to "I get my own way or else."

I'd get a hide-a-bed that could go in one of her sibling's rooms with all of her old bedding when she is home, and have a place for her belongings etc.

But I absolutely would not put her needs above everyone else in the family and keep an empty room for most of the year so as not to ruffle her feelings. In my humblest of opinions, that would be bad parenting.

AllotmentQueen · 29/09/2014 23:21

Staggered by some of the posts! No wonder kids can't stand on their own two feet anymore!

I left home to go to uni and my brother moved into my room the day I left. I slept in the lounge when I came home. I wasn't "devastated" or "distraught", I was an adult and I behaved like one!

I despair.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2014 00:02

this girl still has a fecking "home to go to" in the holidays

just not a shrine dedicated to the Great Being That Is Her when she isn't around

have never heard anything so ridiculous

when she is home for the hols, she bunks in with the 17yo, job done

AnyFucker · 30/09/2014 00:04

when i left for uni, my sibling moved into my (bigger and better) bedroom and I slept in the boxroom on my visits

just as it should be

there was never a fatted calf, either

SoonToBeSix · 30/09/2014 00:06

I would make your ds share during the holidays and give her the younger boys room. Your dd hasn't moved out she is only at uni she should still have a room in her home.

SoonToBeSix · 30/09/2014 00:10

Why do people keep saying the op sleeps in the living room. She doesn't. They have two downstairs rooms one a living room one which has been made into a bedroom.

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