Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd at uni, downsizing, how to tell her?

190 replies

thetimeisnow · 29/09/2014 12:53

we have Dd19 Ds17 and Ds3

we came to a compromise to keep her room 'as it is ' for a year while she adjusts to uni.
we are currently in a rented 3 bed house, Dh & I are in one of the 'living rooms' downstairs.
.

The rent is quite high and we do not have a garden. we desperately want to save for a deposit for our own house.
We have been given the opportunity to move into a council property which will save us rent. But it is 3 bedrooms.
How the heck do I tell her? obviously she will still be welcome and we are getting a sofa bed. I know it won't be her room with her private space, but I do feel that we need to move on.

Any advise please, I do struggle standing up to her as she does like to be quite controlling.

OP posts:
NuggetofPurestGreen · 30/09/2014 21:40

When I say holidays I mean summer - most people went home in the other breaks alright (unless studying).

NuggetofPurestGreen · 30/09/2014 21:41

Sorry for dragging thread OT OP. I think you should move and you can all bunk up whatever way works when everyone is there.

BrowersBlues · 30/09/2014 21:46

Itsbetter, honestly myself and my siblings loved our parents but we didn't go home once we left after we were 18 years of age. It wasn't that there were problem at home, we just didnt want to live by their rules. I was 18 in 1984 so things were a bit different than they are now. Our parents weren't our friends and their word was law (within reason, they were kind to us but took no crap). I am approaching 50, I still love them, but Ican't spend more than a couple of days with them.

Like I said earlier, I expect my DC to leave when they reach 18. I won't be kicking them out in the street but would actively encourage them to fend for themselves. I would absolutely hate them to live with me into their twenties.

Things might work out very differently for me for lots of reasons and no doubt I will adapt accordingly but in an ideal world I would love them to leave and start making their own lives after they leave school.

itsbetterthanabox · 30/09/2014 22:28

Browsers. That sounds exactly like you did have issues with your parents and still do.
I'm understand that kids need to move out but what if they won't to go to their hometown uni? Would you want them to always rent and never be able to save up to buy a place? It is much, much harder to get a job and earn enough to live now than it was 30 years ago. Along with huge uni fees and extortionate rent prices I don't see why anyone would want their kids out at 18 unless they were 100% ready. Would you not let yours back over the summer and after uni? What if they can't get a job instantly?

noddyholder · 30/09/2014 22:50

I don't know any uni students who don't go home for the holidays and consider it their base. I know about 7 or 8 graduates who all live at home and still even go on holiday as a family Shock. I think it is different now. W ehave always had an open house policy and generally have a house full in teh holidays but I don't mind and my son seems in no rush to move out although he works and has his own money in the holidays. A room to rent here is £500 a month I would rather he lived with us and saved

BrowersBlues · 30/09/2014 23:21

Itsbetter, I couldn't have wished for better parents and we are absolutely blessed that they are still with us into their 80's. There are extremely open minded, good fun and downright adorable. I am of the view that renting is not a death sentence and that there is more than one way to live a successful life than going to university. My children will always be welcome in my home but it is not an open ended safety net. I am trying to rear capable adults who can work their way out of a crisis.

itsbetterthanabox · 30/09/2014 23:36

Renting is a waste of money and doesn't protect them in the future though and obviously uni isn't for everyone but your kids should be able to go to uni if they wish to. If they do work straight away what's the issue with staying at home for a little while in order to save a deposit? It doesn't mean you can't stand on your own feet it's just sensible. What's so wrong with them lining at home if it's for a genuine reason and for a limited amount of time?

SoonToBeSix · 01/10/2014 02:41

Browsers do you actually like your children?

CheerfulYank · 01/10/2014 08:44

Hmm I have the same view as Bowser, more or less, SoonToBeSix. And I absolutely adore my children.

Some of us have different ideas about family life and what should happen with adult children. That doesn't mean we love or like our children any less than you do.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 01/10/2014 08:52

I can see your reasoning, she's a going to be furious.

My parents wouldn't have done it!

I'd have killed them if they did!

CareBearWithFangs · 01/10/2014 09:13

We had a very similar situation when I left for uni. 3 bed house, 4 children. My mum and step dad were sleeping downstairs on sofa bed, as soon as my sister and I left they moved up to our room. I don't even remember thinking anything much about it at the time because it made perfect sense. I then slept on sofa bed when I came home. I didn't feel left out, or neglected or unloved, why would I?

CareBearWithFangs · 01/10/2014 09:21

Some of the things being said on this thread are ridiculous. It's nothing to do with how much you love or like your children! Surely it's mostly to do with practicalities, space and money?

When I was at uni I knew most of my friends still had their rooms at home exactly as they left them. But I never once assumed that meant they were more loved than I was. I just assumes it meant their parents had more money/space at home.

specialsubject · 01/10/2014 10:04

doesn't matter what uni-girl wants, really. The parents need to make this change for sound financial and logical reasons. She'll still have a roof over her head in the holidays and they still love her.

sounds like a good dose of reality is well overdue. And she isn't alone.

Beastofburden · 01/10/2014 16:04

I think its weird the way we are focussing on whether the DD feels loved. What about whether the parents feel loved?

If DD loves you, why would she want you to sleep downstairs so she can keep her room empty?

Why would she want you to turn down the chance of a council flat?

My parents had to move house when I was at Uni. I did still have a room, but it was hundreds of miles away, pre-internet and email, and drove a hole through my social life which never recovered- I lost touch with almost everyone from school as a result. But they had no choice, my dad had got a new job. It never occurred to me that this was all about me Hmm

Original poster
thetimeisnow · 02/10/2014 16:26

I told her today.
She took it well, started saying that she wanted a bed permanently in one of the rooms and I said we just won't have the space but you will have a good fold away bed and storage for your things. repeated this a couple of times.
At least she didn't fly off the handle and not hear what I had to say.
She seemed quite up beat about it, just concerned about where all her text books and folders would go in the holidays as she needs to study for January exams.
Now I need to pack her things away!

Thank you again for all your views and opinions, it has helped be get some balance to it all.

OP posts:
pippop1 · 02/10/2014 18:00

Maybe you have a neighbour with a spare room where she can sleep or even store stuff for just a small amount of money.

She might be out a lot, even when she's back.

Original poster
thetimeisnow · 01/04/2015 08:07

Hi, back again!

So things have been fine, moved house, dd settled well into uni. She's been home a few times and had ds2 room to herself. Has lots of draw space all her toiletries are on her own shelf in the bathroom.
The last time she was here a couple of weeks ago she actually said it was so good to be home.

I've been really looking forward to her coming for a long weekend and getting bits of food she likes etc.

I had a text asking if we could talk while she's here about the summer as the flat she and her friend will be going to wont be ready until September, and she's terrified (her words) about being homeless and job less.
I replied that she can stay here obviously and it should be possible to get a job here too and not to worry. Also I stated that there is no way we can afford to help her rent somewhere for the summer, sorry.

Well that was the wrong advice obviously as she then said that 'I was being unsupportive and seems like you're acting as though this is nothing to do with you. Like its my fault I have to lodge in your house. Have you experienced this in my shoes?'

I didn't reply to that as I was upset, that this came from no where (in my eyes obviously).

I know that living back home after being independent is hard, we really are quite laid back and don't make her feel like she has to earn her keep as when she's here she's still studying.

I don't know what advice I'm after, just hurt that she thinks that doing a food parcel and sending money when we can is not supportive. And now not looking forward to her being here Sad as I thought we had put all these arguments behind us and had moved on to a more adult relationship.

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 01/04/2015 09:12

OP, I think you need to take her on face value; she's terrifed. Ergo, she's not thinking straight.

Whilst many of her mates will be totally relaxed and looking forward to the Summer, she doesn't have a proper place to live or a way of supporting herself.

That would make anyone panic. Plus I assume she's coming close to exam time! Panic is in the air.

I would simply reassure her that you're 100% supportive. That your home is her home. Yes, I know you've said it, but say it again. Say it 100 times if necessary.

BTW, if she can't get a summer job, can you afford to keep her?

Gunpowder · 01/04/2015 09:46

I remember this thread from last year. YY to what wordfactorysays. She won't be lodging, it's her home and you will help her find a job. It will all be fine. Just worry about exams for now. I think she's panicking and needs a teenage equivalent of 'it's all ok' rather than a defensive 'we can't help, sorry' (not that you are being defensive, just that's how she may hear it!)

Original poster
thetimeisnow · 01/04/2015 10:07

Thank you both.
I've messaged her that I am supportive and it's not lodging, don't expect her to pay her way.

She's replied that's not what I mean.

This is how she is, she starts an argument and then twists and turns it so I don't know where I am!

She's home later tonight, hence being over texts.

We could afford to keep her-just, we are growing our own veg this year so might plant some more seeds

She's never taken 'it'll be ok' at face value, always wants me to take the blame ie ' it will be ok and then you can blame me if it goes wrong' which I've never said, but that's how she wants it. Iyswim?

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 01/04/2015 10:16

It sounds like she wants someone else (ie you OP) to shoulder the responsibility.

I can understand that a little; it's a heavy load for a young person, who probably isn't yet fully equipped with the tools. The desire to step off the track and let someone else take control is appealing. Especially when so many of her peers at university will have that type of parental support.

However, for you, it's simply not practicable. All you can do is what you can, and keep telling her that.

noddyholder · 01/04/2015 10:19

She probably feels a bit wobbly about not having a concrete base to rely on maybe? My ds is home atm and I think he would be like your dd in her position. Talking face to face maybe easier?

Gunpowder · 01/04/2015 10:24

Tricky. Not saying your DD is the same as me. (at all!) But I think when I was at uni I was a bit selfish and hadn't really grasped how amazingly supportive my parents were. It's a funny time between being a child and a responsible adult and, not that it's an excuse, but I think I struggled with the change.

Anyway, that was a long winded way of saying she sounds normal, and you are obviously being as emotionally and practically supportive as you can be!

Bet she will appreciate it more a few years down the line.

TheWordFactory · 01/04/2015 10:26

A mate of mine who is in a similar situation (overcrowded house, not much cash, resources of time, money and energy stretched) says her eldest DD is often angry about the situation.

She is a wonderful young woman. A DD to be proud of, but sometimes she is angry with her parents for having a fourth child. She feels that they simply didn't have the resources for it. And she, being the eldest, has suffered as a result.

Obviously, the situation is more complex than she sees it and it time she'll understand.

noddyholder · 01/04/2015 10:33

One of ds friends in this situation and stays with us a fair bit in the holidays You can see he feels a bit lost and unsettled when all his mates have somewhere to call home in the holidays and he doesn't but tbh we don't have that much room either!