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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd at uni, downsizing, how to tell her?

190 replies

thetimeisnow · 29/09/2014 12:53

we have Dd19 Ds17 and Ds3

we came to a compromise to keep her room 'as it is ' for a year while she adjusts to uni.
we are currently in a rented 3 bed house, Dh & I are in one of the 'living rooms' downstairs.
.

The rent is quite high and we do not have a garden. we desperately want to save for a deposit for our own house.
We have been given the opportunity to move into a council property which will save us rent. But it is 3 bedrooms.
How the heck do I tell her? obviously she will still be welcome and we are getting a sofa bed. I know it won't be her room with her private space, but I do feel that we need to move on.

Any advise please, I do struggle standing up to her as she does like to be quite controlling.

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 01/04/2015 10:35

University terms are so short that it felt like my DSs hadn't actually left home when they went. They always came home for the holidays and found holiday jobs here.

Both came back home for a while or so after they graduated while job hunting.

She's very young, still, too young to feel fully independent, maybe. My DCs never looked on university as home this was their home until they established homes with their partners.

I'm not surprised she's upset.

HagOtheNorth · 01/04/2015 10:41

So, if you can promise her a roof over her head and food and showers, that's providing the basics for her. That's enough security to avoid the panic of being homeless and cashless and starving on the streets. Storage for her stuff, do you have an attic? After the first year, you need to be sleeping in the room rather than keeping it exclusively for herYoung adults have a capacity for the dramatic, and can lack perspective and prioritising skills.
Is your OH any better at dealing with things without the guilt getting in the way?

base9 · 01/04/2015 10:48

I don't understand her problem. She needs a place to stay. You said, Stay here with us. She was worried about getting a job, you said it should be possible while living with you. You also said you could support her, job or not, at home.
Is she just looking for rent money and having a flounce that you can't afford it?

outtolunchagain · 01/04/2015 10:54

They are at university for barely half a year and it's seems like the stuff they have multiplies, if they are self catering they have all the household / kitchen stuff which has to come home in the holidays .We were going to move ds1 into the smallest bedroom so that ds3 could have a bigger one but he needs his own space when he comes home other wise we might kill each other so we haven't.

noddyholder · 01/04/2015 11:02

My ds and his mates def don't consider uni 'home'

TheWordFactory · 01/04/2015 11:05

Absolutely noddy and not do universities expect it to be.

For a start the full maintainable loan would not keep anyone for 52 weeks per year.

The set up of university accommodation and funds available are predicated on a student being able to return home for almost half the year.

thenextday · 01/04/2015 11:06

Recently divorced..dd off to uni in Sept. Planning to stay in family home till next spring then sell... Too big for me and Ds and expensive.
I'll buy 3 bedroomed house but dd will be in smaller room.

noddyholder · 01/04/2015 11:08

My ds went back Oct 1st then was home Dec 6th He is home now for 3 weeks then goes back for a month and then home mid to end May until October again. But his 'life' seems to be here his p/t job and all his mates etc but I have his room and don't need it for anything else. TBH I would sleep in teh living room rather than him mainly because his stuff would be everywhere

CinnabarRed · 01/04/2015 11:17

I don't understand her problem. She needs a place to stay. You said, Stay here with us. She was worried about getting a job, you said it should be possible while living with you. You also said you could support her, job or not, at home. Is she just looking for rent money and having a flounce that you can't afford it?

This, exactly.

I think she probably is panicking a bit, but she needs you to (kindly, gently, but firmly) point out that she's being silly.

PrimalLass · 01/04/2015 11:26

I asked this before, but is there a loft in the new house?

Original poster
thetimeisnow · 01/04/2015 11:38

Sorry, yes we have a loft.

OP posts:
MrsFlannel · 01/04/2015 11:44

I think you need to share DS 3's room with DD.

She's only 19! Why shouldn't she have the security of a home with space in it for her?

How old is DS3?

VenusRising · 01/04/2015 11:48

Why isn't she working in the summer, and paying rent somewhere with her friends, and you know, getting on with her life?

Tbh, I can't understand why adults don't take responsibility for themselves.

When I left home I left, and apart from living there after my mum had a car crash when I helped her in and out of bed etc, and when I was ill and recuperated after an operation, I haven't stayed more than 15 nights at my parents' home in 20 years. I left, and got my own feet under me, and got my shit together.

With respect, I don't think mollycoddling young adults is good parenting...
It's no wonder we have so many man children and varietal coffee sipping hipsters, in their 30s, waiting for their lives to start.

MrsFlannel · 01/04/2015 11:49

venus lots of uni students go home, recover from term, get a job and live with parents! That's normal!

NakedBaby · 01/04/2015 11:50

3 months is very much an upper limit.

My uni holidays I surfed through:

  • camping trips with mates
  • working holidays (ie accommodation thrown in with job somewhere nice)
  • dossing at my boyfriends place
  • house sitting for my nana.
TheWordFactory · 01/04/2015 11:55

venus temporary summer lets are tough to find, and require a hefty deposit usually.

Where would the OP's DD get that? And what if none of her friends want to share for the Summer? Maybe they're all going home. Or have other plans.

MrsFlannel · 01/04/2015 12:01

When I was at Uni I went home (to my own room) every single break.....if my parents had suddenly decided that there was no room for me, I'd have been SO upset.

I hadn't yet "left home" in the real sense. Surely that happens when Uni is over and they have a job and money to get their own place?

Original poster
thetimeisnow · 01/04/2015 12:15

That's how we've done it before; dd in ds room and he's in our room.
He's 3.5.
It is the same when Dsd comes too.

It would be great for everyone to have their own rooms when their home plus an extra living room so we don't have to watch rubbish tv!
But this is how it is and we are just trying to accommodate everyone to the best way we can.

I have had lots of good points to consider, agree she's panicking about the end of term and exams. She has said that even though she enjoys the course, she's not sure if she's cut out for it career wise. So worrying about the end and what's going to happen there also.

She didn't get a job as she could basically manage this1st year on the loan. It's very intense, and she wanted to focus on it. She's managed very well which is why I've given her money when I could.

OP posts:
Maliceaforethought · 01/04/2015 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsFlannel · 01/04/2015 12:23

time that's not what i meant. Why don't you put a bed for DD in Ds's room?

That's what my sister did with her DD1 when she came back from Uni. No...it wasn't ideal that she shared with her little brother but at least she had a room!

Original poster
thetimeisnow · 01/04/2015 12:36

His room is too small for 2 beds unfortunately, we'll have to have the door part open to fit the pull out bed in when dd & dsd share that room for 1night.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 01/04/2015 12:37

Why cant the 2 boys share?

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 01/04/2015 12:50

OP, I agree with the posters who say she's freaking out a little. The last bit of the 1st year can be quite a stress, especially if like me you suddenly realise you've got work to catch up on, having got a little too much into the swing of a 1st year Uni life!

Also, if she has got it into her head a little romantic dream of flat sharing somewhere else without really taking into consideration of the practicalities, then it's probably easier for her to blame you rather than accept responsibility. Not because she's a terrible person but because she's only 18/19 and that can be a weird age.

CinnabarRed · 01/04/2015 12:50

Why should two boys (aged 17 and 3!) who are permanent residents in the house share, and leave a room empty for 30 weeks of the year? That's hardly the most efficient use of the limited space.

MrsFlannel · 01/04/2015 12:51

Cinnibar because the DD needs a place too! The older brother could vacate "her room" when she comes back. You can't dump one child out of her home and give her a sofa and no safety because she's at uni!