Dd at uni, downsizing, how to tell her?

[thetimeisnow]

we have Dd19 Ds17 and Ds3

we came to a compromise to keep her room 'as it is ' for a year while she adjusts to uni.
we are currently in a rented 3 bed house, Dh & I are in one of the 'living rooms' downstairs.
.

The rent is quite high and we do not have a garden. we desperately want to save for a deposit for our own house.
We have been given the opportunity to move into a council property which will save us rent. But it is 3 bedrooms.
How the heck do I tell her? obviously she will still be welcome and we are getting a sofa bed. I know it won't be her room with her private space, but I do feel that we need to move on.

Any advise please, I do struggle standing up to her as she does like to be quite controlling.

Good point HagOtheNorth. We are now in this position in that oldest has started uni. Fortunately we can stretch to feed another adult mouth and we still have a room for oldest albeit that she now has the smallest room.

It is all about transition. We wont be charging board this summer but next summer we will probably consider it.

As a 'child' who's mum downsized when I went to uni, I cannot tell you how hurt I was.

Uni was not home, home was home, and then that was taken from me. I stopped going to her house during holidays (3 months a year at least) and stopped going there for weekends.

Also, when I finished uni, all my friends went back to their parents house. I was forced to rent a flat on my own. Which means I never had the opportunity to save for a deposit for a house, and at 28 I'm still renting. (And I still resent my mum for it)

Were you not welcome to stay, SillyPops, even if you didn't have your own room? And did you not know the reason for the downsizing?

I was welcome to sleep on the sofa, but that was hardly an appealing option, especially as the rest of my family are night Owls and would be up in the lounge past midnight.

My mum downsized becsuse she was "sick of all the cleaning and gardening" in our old house. She is only in her 40's, not like she's a pensioner unable to do housework. And only works 2 days a week

My eldest is about to go to Uni and we've already told him that the huge bedroom that's currently his will go to DC2. DC 3 will move up to DC2's room and DC4 will move into DC3's room. DC1 will get the smallest room for when they are home. There's no way in a million years I'm going to make DC4 stay in a pretty small bedroom just so DC1 can keep their room for when they're home.

And when they all leave, DH and I plan on selling our house, moving into an apartment and buying a holiday home somewhere else. Every one of my children will be welcome to sleep in the spare room, stay at the second home or sleep on our sofa. Wherever we live will always be their home but I'm sure as shit not paying $30k a year on property taxes when we don't have kids living ft at home anymore.

I honestly can't imagine our (very much liked and loved) kids having a problem with that.

Ha, SillyPops, I'm sick of all the cleaning, too, and I am also in my forties with only have a three room flat and no garden! Be comforted that their downsizing means that they are less likely to be either financially or practically dependent on you when they are pensioners.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie I think that by starting the conversation now your DCs are able to absorb the changes and see it as part of the next stage in their lives. We are doing similar. DD1's move to the smallest room was always part of the plan.

I know so many people who had this plan to move eldest into smallest room , including ourselves.Only one did it and they have had to change back

The thing is they often have a lot of uni work to do in the holidays , exams in January and just after easter so need somewhere to study when they are home .

They also have a lot more stuff , including household stuff which needs to come home in the long summer break .

Plus they have been used to living independently and having their own space , suddenly going back to having to spend practically all their spare time in communal areas seems to be a recipe for family discord .we all need a break from ds1 ( much as we love him) and he needs somewhere to get a break from us and his younger brothers , this is probably worse for us as ds1 is a very private person .

So the upshot is that ds1 still has the largest of the three rooms , although even that is not huge and ds3 still has a tiny room .But ds3 spends most of his spare time downstairs whereas ds1 spends most of his in his bedroom.

Yes, my DD is in the box room and most of her uni house stuff is carefully crated and boxed up in the playhouse or in the attic for when she moves out again. She's happy to be at home, with all the facilities and services that being in a family home offer, but wants to move out ASAP.
She doesn't feel unloved, or over-parented. But she's always been a very self-sufficient person when it comes to the practicalities of life. It's the emotional side that she needs. Knowing that come what may she will always be loved and supported, and that we've got her back in any situation.
That's not the same as providing her with cash and material stuff in her eyes.

'The thing is they often have a lot of uni work to do in the holidays , exams in January and just after easter so need somewhere to study when they are home .'

We were lucky to be within range of two good universities that have a reciprocal arrangement with DD's uni. So she had access to their library in the holidays. She did most of her work in the library at uni as it was much warmer than her digs. Doesn't work for a lot of students though, but it's worth checking up.

archery annie's suggestion for how to use the space seems sensible to me. I am interested in this thread as my bf has teenage dc planning on going to university soon. We want to live together, but won't be able to afford for all the children to have their own room. We will be expecting the older children to compromise for the benefit of the younger, full time resident ones. It's been interesting to read about some of the difficulties of implementing this!

I agree with pp, there are a lot of people on here who seem to think the op should be doing more than she can with the resources she has. Annie's suggestion seems like one of the few rooted in 'make the most you can with what you have'

Good luck op in helping your dd appreciate what she has.

Compromising on keeping her room for a year??

I literally cannot comprehend this.
I shared a room with DSis until going to uni - when I was deemed to have officially left home. All my stuff was packed up and taken with me - during holidays, I packed up my uni room and put it in the storage room there.
I took one bag of clothing with me - and went home to a sleeping bag on the living room floor.
I worked every single holiday in a full time office job, so took work with me to study during lunch breaks. Or I worked in the local library (mind you, this was still back in the days of hand writing assignments etc)

Whilst I can't say I was overjoyed at these arrangements, I survived - and credit my lack of sentimental attachment to 'stuff' with the practical approval to life that this created

And on graduation I moved to London, and shared a flat with 2 girls I met on my first day at work

I am a normal adult and have not been scarred for life

The short answer is she will survive. And maybe learn the world does not revolve around her...

We had a chat, she said that being 20 and staying in a toddlers room wasn't right and she'd want and need all her stuff in her room and that it wasn't big enough.
I had an idea, my parents are abroad for the summer and I said if she asked them, she might be able to stay in their flat.
She then went on to say that she wouldn't be able to get a job here as its a smallish town and her uni city has more opportunities and higher wages
So I'm not beating myself up over her loosing her room as this seems to be a stick to beat me with and not the reason she doesn't want to stay at home for weeks at a time.

She needs 1400 pounds to get a place for the summer- no she won't even consider sharing a house- she can do 1000 of it but is worrying how to get the remaining 400, I said we can't do it.
I've asked her to send me details of what she's looking at and I'll try and find out if they need all that money upfront or part of it as a deposit.

We had a good weekend though :-)

I think if she's 20 and not prepared to share a house - like many people do well into their thirties - then she can whistle for the money.

Well at least you had a good weekend!

I would say the same thing OP. You can offer a bed in your home and she needs to get used to the fact she can't afford what she wants. Just like we all do when we're starting out!