Dd at uni, downsizing, how to tell her?

[thetimeisnow]

we have Dd19 Ds17 and Ds3

we came to a compromise to keep her room 'as it is ' for a year while she adjusts to uni.
we are currently in a rented 3 bed house, Dh & I are in one of the 'living rooms' downstairs.
.

The rent is quite high and we do not have a garden. we desperately want to save for a deposit for our own house.
We have been given the opportunity to move into a council property which will save us rent. But it is 3 bedrooms.
How the heck do I tell her? obviously she will still be welcome and we are getting a sofa bed. I know it won't be her room with her private space, but I do feel that we need to move on.

Any advise please, I do struggle standing up to her as she does like to be quite controlling.

Why does the nest need to be less comfortable though What is wrong with providing a comfortable welcoming space if you can while they find their feet in life? I have never encountered this attitude irl only on MN! She probably feels a bit lost and has no idea where to go A summer let will be so ££

It was because you could sign on in the summer and claim HB too.
Mary, it was a mixture. Some didn't want to go home, had jobs and rented from July, some parents downsized or changed the room use ASAP, some were sure of a bed and a roof but not their own room as it had been before.

I don't know of a dinner student that doesn't come home for the holidays .To b who eat the funding system assumes you will be living at home over the summer .

I can see that it's difficult for you , could your 3 year old have the bedroom in term time and move in with you in the holidays ? Most three year olds don't spend much time in their rooms during the day .

Sorry ' single'student not dinner student

'What is wrong with providing a comfortable welcoming space if you can while they find their feet in life? '

Nothing wrong at all, if you can.
DD is finished with uni and staying here whilst she gets a more than MW job and can move out to her own place/room. That's fine, we have room and the capacity to feed her and pay the extra on the bills.
Some people aren't in that position.

If your smallest boy at three has the smallest room (and it's a long time before he hits puberty), can your DS17 have the box room, which is his and his only, and the 3 yr old share the bigger room with his sister? And that means the DSD would stay in there, too, when she comes. There might be a bit more space for two beds and two chests of drawers there, and if all else fails you can always hang a curtain from the ceiling down the middle, only to be hung up when DD19 (or DSD) are home.

There's a habit for the adult couple in a family home always to take the biggest "master" bedroom, but I don't think that's always the best plan - the adults have their stuff all over the house and tend to just use the bedroom for sleeping only, whilst children use the bedroom to hang out in, study, etc. It might be worth you and your DH taking the middle-sized room and leaving the biggest room to share with the DS3 and the DSD and DD19, while DS17 has the smallest, and a guarantee of his privacy.

I think that this is a transition stage for both parents and student DCs (we are in this stage now). The student is an adult but not yet fully grown up.

Part of this transition is parents being prepared (if possible) to allow their fledgling adult DC to return to the nest.

The other part is that the fledgling has to realise that the nest is no longer organised around them. They get a space in the nest but it is not necessarily as comfortable or convenient as it was.

This is part of growing up.

I feel so sorry for the DD. I can't imagine not providing a base for my children when they come home during university holidays. It's all very well people saying she should make her own way in life, but the whole system is set up based on students living at home during the holidays. For the five years I was at uni (2000-2005), everywhere was rented Sept-May/June, halls and private lets. Separate summer rentals were a hassle and required large deposits or three months' rent in one go IME. I honestly don't know anyone who didn't go 'home' for the holidays and who didn't have their own room. My bedroom was still my bedroom until I finished my MA and got a proper job. DH's room at his parents' house is STILL his room but his parents put in a double bed when we got married(!). Try looking at this for your daughter's point of view. I don't actually think she sounds spoilt or entitled or like a 'little madam' or all the other names she's been labelled with here. I think she's working on what many families consider to be a perfectly normal set up.

'I honestly don't know anyone who didn't go 'home' for the holidays and who didn't have their own room.'

Really? I didn't have my own room until I went to uni, and I knew almost no one who was one of three plus that did.

I can't imagine not providing a base for my children when they come home during university holidays

But she does have a base for when she comes home. She just doesn't have her own room; she moves into the 3 year old's room and he moves into the parents' room.

The 17 year old lives at home permanently. I assume he's studying, and needs peace and quiet to do so. Why is her need for her own space for 22 weeks of the year more important than his need for his own space 52 weeks of the year?

I absolutely agree, if there was a 4th bedroom then it should be hers. But there isn't. So they have to do the best they can with the rooms they have.

But Hag, this isn't like she's going back to a shared room with a sibling that she had before, this is just being expected to be put up on a fold out bed or in the toddler's bed - someone is camping for 3 months - either the DD or the DS.

There's a world of difference between not wanting to 'go home' and feeling you can't/knowing there's not really space for you. If the OP had put bunk beds in the DS's room so that at least there was a clear bed for her, then that would be different. She's still not said what they do when the DSD and DD want to be there at the same time, as she said the 3year old DS goes in to his parents room when DSD stays as well - does this mean if DD is staying for the summer DSD is no longer welcome for 3 months?!

It's not ideal, it's the best the OP can do, but it just because she doesn't have an easy alternative doesn't make it a bit shit for the DD and the DD is allowed to be upset that she doesn't have the standard 'fall back' of "if it all goes wrong I can go home" - most people could move back into their parents house until they are alot older /have families of their own. My parents sold up the family home and downsized when I was late 20s, married and looking to buy my own home, and amongst my friends, that was early to do it.

That the DD tried to get a flat early suggests she knows that really, it's not practical for more than a few nights. That must be a horrible feeling.

So do you think that the OP ought to keep renting for another few years in this house and then think about downsizing? What if the DD boomerangs like my DD and ends up at home for the forseeable future? Should they keep renting for the next decade until the DD is in her late 20s?
There have been a number of useful suggestions on the thread, including that she shares with the 3 year old when she's at home. or should she get her parents' room and they sleep on the sofabed?
They've already kept her room inviolate for a year.

There are some seriously precious.posters.here who seem to have never dealt with harsh financial reality. How lovely for you. OP is providing her DD the best support she can afford.

Hag, the OP has already moved! It's already an issue.

The DD asked for a bed for her, she was told no. Bunk beds in which ever is the larger of the 2 boys rooms so there are 3 beds and the DD can clearly see there's a bed for her when she comes back (even if it's the 2 boys share), but the 3.5 year old camping in his parents room is clearly a couple of nights solution, there not being enough proper beds for everyone was always going to make the DD feel like she can't come back for an extended stay.

Whatever the solution is, the OP is being unreasonable to be upset that her DD is upset and feels she isn't really welcome home so not really supported. With all the will in the world, the DD coming back is a problem, there isn't enough beds and space, and clearly coming home being a problem is going to feel like you don't have the security to come back.

It's understandable the DD is upset, and not really fair that people are calling her spoilt.

I don't think she's spoilt, I think that she's struggling to deal with the idea that things change.

Oh gosh, she'll be fine. My parents renovated and rented out my room when i left. I always knew i was welcome, but never had 'my own room' again.
Put it to her in money terms. Perhaps explain the amount you'll save each year. One thing students understsnd is cash!

I agree with a lot of what Mary is saying. Imagine getting to 18 and then feeling like your parents think they've done their job and you're completely on your own. Yes, things do change but to feel unwelcome in your parents' home, the one place that should be a sanctuary, can't be pleasant. There's a lot of difference between someone who is now qualified to work and has then moved home, and someone who is still financially dependent (either on loans or parents or both) who needs a base/space/a bit of TLC over the holidays.

But she isn't unwelcome, Wibbly. The OP has made her welcome - she just doesn't have the personal space she once had.

TBF though OP has neither the room nor the money to feed the DD during the Summer.

The DD must know this.

It is all very well posters saying that the OP should continue to provide a room for her DD but she couldnt afford it. Where was she supposed to pluck the money from?

Remember that as parents our income drops when DCs finish school. Child Benefit stops. If the domestic income is finely balanced then having another adult coming back to the table but not providing for that table is going to stretch resources.

Gnome, I wonder how many of us are posting from the POV of a parent with adult children and how many are posting from the POV of a student who now has young children and are a way off having to make those choices.
Different experiences.

my mum downsized a few months after i moved out. I do occasionally tease her about how quick she was, but we get on brilliantly. I think if your daughter is emotionally blackmailing you with things like that, to your financial detriment and to the extent that you adults dont even have your own bedroom while hers sits empty, then that is a seperate issue. Ultimatums like that need to be confronted. Tell her that youre ashamed that shes being so selfish when she doesnt even live there, but she will always be welcome home, just not to the same bedroom. Tell her to suck it up

I understand the OP's predicament. In this situation I would put an extra bed in with the 17 year old.

Some of these posts are unnecessarily harsh. Student finance is based on parents income therefore you would not expect a teenager to be chucked out of the family home once they start university. Housing benefit isn't available for under 25s because the government wants the families to support young adults.

It isn't just a case of "you're an adult support yourself". Some young adults won't be able to make ends meet without family support.

My DM downsized when I was the same age and at uni. She told me from the off but, as I was an adult in her mind, and living away from home, made it clear it was her choice not mine. I was a bit worried but when I came to choose a house with my friends, they suggested I should have first choice of rooms as that would be my main home. It worked out fine.

All that said, I had a full grant and a fairly well paid pt job back then. Things were a lot easier for young people than they are now.