Dd at uni, downsizing, how to tell her?

[thetimeisnow]

we have Dd19 Ds17 and Ds3

we came to a compromise to keep her room 'as it is ' for a year while she adjusts to uni.
we are currently in a rented 3 bed house, Dh & I are in one of the 'living rooms' downstairs.
.

The rent is quite high and we do not have a garden. we desperately want to save for a deposit for our own house.
We have been given the opportunity to move into a council property which will save us rent. But it is 3 bedrooms.
How the heck do I tell her? obviously she will still be welcome and we are getting a sofa bed. I know it won't be her room with her private space, but I do feel that we need to move on.

Any advise please, I do struggle standing up to her as she does like to be quite controlling.

Because she does sleep in the living room whilst one bedroom is left empty

This is a fair sized family. Fair sized families could really use more than one reception room. This is a ridiculous situation.

I disagree I have six children will have seven next year. My oldest dd will go to uni in three years I would let one or two of her siblings use her room whilst she is at uni but she will have it back in the holidays.

That isn't what is happening here, Soon

The dd at uni is insisting her room is empty at all times

and the rest of the family are going along with it

jaw dropping !

My parents downsized while I was at Uni, I was given fair warning to pack my room up in the holiday before and most of my stuff was stored in the loft. Fortunately I still had a bed in the guest room when I came home. It was a bit upsetting when I had to pack up but certainly not traumatic.
Even at Oxbridge you can stay in halls through the holidays, you just pay rent and will probably have to move room. I did it to work a couple of summers.

Thanks again for all your comments.

Food for thought then re getting a sofa bed. Now looking into a 'nice' blow up bed to go in Ds2 room, along with the drawers (hope there's enough room!)

This is Dds 1st year at uni- hence why she still wanted her bedroom while she settled.
Yes we are still in the 2nd reception room, which we were going to turn into a study as Dh does a lot of work from home, and to add Ds2 is still in a bed in our room as we don't have a loft so all the 'junk' is in his room upstairs, plus he's up at least twice a night still. so we were all going to move upstairs and put the stored boxes in the study.
so that's 2rooms empty up there! madness. crazy. when I write it down I see it how it is

Right we are moving, going to do the best to make dd comfy when she stays but take no nonsense.

I should note that this house was a quick rent as we moved across the country in a short space of time, funnily enough to get dd into college at the start of term so she didn't miss too much.
But turns out it was the right thing to do as she wouldn't have done so well where we were.

The 19 and 17 year old can share. Just tell her first.

And I was home at least 4/5 months of each year. Very short terms, in halls for three years and the rooms were used for conferences.

I went home in all the holidays because I had my school friends and a good summer job. My parents moved abroad during my first year but rented me a flat at home , so I was very pampered but tbh I would have preferred that they were still on the same continent and time zone.

Will there be a loft in the new house?

The 19 and 17 year old can share. Just tell her first. different genders, I think not

Fully resident kids get a room each as they are too different in age to share

She gets a fuss made of her in other ways when she comes home, but family finances don't permit keeping an empty room for her. I think it is time for a fully adult convo with her about money and what can be afforded. Hopefully she will have met some non-diva folk at Uni, forgotten her high school friends and got a slightly better attitude.

Whatever you do, OP, dont over compensate at Christmas with extravagent presents for her. Treat her as an adult member of the family who is who part of the solution, not part of the problem. She's a big girl now.

you bet you are moving.

brutal time: you've made this spoilt drama queen. Time to help her sort that out. You've done her no favours and hiding financial realities makes it worse.

she can get work in the holidays to help.

I'd say to get a really decent sofa bed....nothing worse than a blow up mattress...they are all horrid!!
And if you have a SD then it's going to be getting plenty of use.
As far as your dd goes she sounds like a right madam tbh, expecting her room to remain untouched...bollocks to that when the rest of you all need space.

Have a major cull and clear out of all the junk and get yourselves moved to the nice new house.

I think it all depends on what kind of accommodation she is in now. I lived in halls all 4 years (everyone did where I went) so we didn't have an option to stay over the holidays as they were rented out for conferences etc. Consequently everyone went home for all holidays. That's 3 months in the summer, 4 weeks at Christmas and 4 weeks at easter. Not sure what I would have done if there had been no room for me at home. I still very much considered it home until I graduated and got a job / house of my own.
Having said that I wouldn't expect a whole room left to me if there wasn't space in the house. But I would have been upset to find that I just had a temp bed in a family living space for all those weeks.

Actually now you've said she's only just left for university I feel a bit sorry for her.... She may well feel that her security blanket has just been whipped away - even if things go pear-shaped at university she no longer has a home to come back to. If she was in her second year, settled, renting on a proper full year contract and only coming home for the odd visit then I'd agree, but she's not.

And why on earth haven't you and ds had the larger bedroom upstairs, thus freeing up the downstairs room you're in now to become a study with space for storage.

Why don't you put you 17 yo in the smallest room (he'll presumably be leaving home before too long anyway?). The 3 yo has the middle room - maybe he uses it as a playroom too, but it has a second proper bed in it for your dd when she comes back - you could section off a small part of the room for her.

My son has just gone back after 4 months almost A sofa bed would be way more inconvenient than sharing Get one of those bunk type things maybe with storage? Most people don't just graduate and have the sort of job that allows them to rent straight away! So some sort of base is essential.

I moved out when i was 16, and my mum downsized within months, sneaky cow. I wasnt consulted.

We have a great relationship, but if you move out, you move out.
Dont be starting on letting them think they can come back after uni, or theyll still be there when theyre 35

Ah such a difficult discussion, it's hard because you are already very cramped. So I think making DD sleep downstairs makes sense rather than you doing it.

But it does annoy me when parents take university to equal leaving home. Because it isn't, maintenance and loans only cover term time so unless DS/DD get a full time job in between or are being helped then it can be a stretch to pay their accommodation and food over the holidays. All my old uni friends used to go home for the holidays which are quite long really. Long enough that you need somewhere to sleep that won't wind everyone up.

I've also spoken to friends who's parents downsized or totally changed the room into a new purpose straight after their DD/DS left. All of which have stated how alone and uncared for they felt afterwards.

When you've completed your course it's rare to just get a full time job straight away. Not having somewhere to go back to can be really difficult.

When I went to university my mother moved within weeks, and threw everything I owned out without telling me. It really hurt. All my childhood books, toys, poems.

So whatever you do, don't start chucking stuff out without telling her.

What if she needs to leave uni op?
I think she should share with 17 year old. Put an extra bed in his room.

Have you actually seen the house you've been offered by the council? It's quiet possible that this won't be down sizing at all. You're going from 3 bedrooms to 3 bedrooms. So surely it's just moving. If you've not seen id wait and see what you're offered. It maybe bigger than your current 3 bed house.

I think is tell her that you're moving to somewhere cheaper. Since you're renting it's always possible that you'll have to move with shortish notice. You couldn't guarantee her room regardless.

We've seen the plans and it has 2 double bedrooms and a box.
Ds17 has said he doesn't mind sharing with dd so now thinking a z bed and she can share or go in ds3 room,and he comes in with us.

I would love to have a proper spare room, this is a move that we've been waiting for and the chances of getting a 4 bed are very slim.

Dds friend went to uni last year and her parents moved to other country , the friend can't even go back for holidays, I thought that was mean!

I won't chuck any of her things, just box it up.

I am 49 years old and was raised in a family of 7 in three bedrooms. Every single one of my brothers and sisters had left home by 18 and lots of us were living in different countries. We never for one minute thought our parents didn't love us because we didn't have our own bedrooms. I am finding it very difficult to understand this thread. I have two teenagers who haven't yet left home and are not exactly what you would call easy. I know I will be upset when they leave which will hopefully be soon but I would be more upset if they were still with me into their twenties or God forbid their thirties.

I think the world has gone effing mad pandering to children. Its like the lunatics have taken over the asylum.

I lived in halls/9 month accommodation when I was in uni - and during the summer I lived in short term rentals for 3 months. And got a job to pay for it. and when I left uni I worked in a low paid job and still managed to pay rent

Of course graduates can get jobs that allow them to pay rent. Just mightn't be the fancy job they want first off.

Ps I live in a Capital city and it was expensive.

Ps my situation was nothing like the OPs and I have gone off topic - just sick of hearing how people can't afford to live out of home when many of them can but don't want to.

No wonder your DD is so entitled if you have enabled this sort of behaviour, I cannot understand adults sleeping in a reception room with two empty bedrooms in the house - just stand up to her, if she chooses not to return home for the holidays - result. Are you subsidising her education/living costs whilst she is at uni?

The only people I knew that didn't go back to their parents house over the holidays were people who had serious family/home life problems.
It does mean getting a job instantly too which isn't always possible and having people to flat share with unless you want to live with strangers.

Well loads of my friends rented in the summer and none of them had home life problems, they just liked living away and wanted to work and live in the city we were in.

Obviously some people went home but it wasn't a given. This is c.15 years ago but we all just worked in pubs/shops/factories etc - accept it's possibly not as easy to get jobs like that now but I don't know.