Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd at uni, downsizing, how to tell her?

190 replies

thetimeisnow · 29/09/2014 12:53

we have Dd19 Ds17 and Ds3

we came to a compromise to keep her room 'as it is ' for a year while she adjusts to uni.
we are currently in a rented 3 bed house, Dh & I are in one of the 'living rooms' downstairs.
.

The rent is quite high and we do not have a garden. we desperately want to save for a deposit for our own house.
We have been given the opportunity to move into a council property which will save us rent. But it is 3 bedrooms.
How the heck do I tell her? obviously she will still be welcome and we are getting a sofa bed. I know it won't be her room with her private space, but I do feel that we need to move on.

Any advise please, I do struggle standing up to her as she does like to be quite controlling.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 01/04/2015 12:53

Regarding not being cut out for a career in her chosen subject, unless it's very vocational then she'll have other options. Oftentimes having a good degree is more important than the subject, IYSWIM. My degree is in Astronomy, but I was never going to be Patrick Moore! I studied it because I found it interesting and therefore was willing to put the hours in.

CinnabarRed · 01/04/2015 12:55

But the older brother's room is no more "her" room than any other room in the new house. Surely it would be more sensible to let her have her dad's (downstairs) study for the time that she's home?

Of course it would be different if it were a 4 bedroom house, but that's not what the OP has available to her.

Eggrique · 01/04/2015 12:55

It's difficult because it's a transition period between independence and still being somewhat dependent. Also not helped by DD's personality or attitude and the fact that she's learnt which buttons to push to best effect.

Of my own DCs, who both had their own rooms, one was fine with whatever we did to the room after it was vacated and the other, despite having their own home was upset that things in the old family home changed. It was definitely an emotional thing not a needs based one. Younger DC just basically said 'Get over it. Mum and Dad don't come round to yours and tell you what to do with your rooms'
That's very different I know, but it shows how people respond at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Find the most practical solution that you can and keep repeating 'We love you. We'll always make space for you to come home when you need or want to. We're doing the best we can'
She needs to learn and accept that it's unfair and unrealistic to expect a dedicated room which is unused for a huge proportion of time, when other resident family need it more. She has to make the change into valuing the welcome back over and above the practical arrangements which work best for the majority.

HagOtheNorth · 01/04/2015 12:58

'You can't dump one child out of her home and give her a sofa and no safety because she's at uni!'

She does have safety, just not the same deal she had before. Growing up is tough, family can help and support but sometimes the changes that need to happen are uncomfortable.
Rather like going from having everything provided for you to becoming independent.
I have two adult children living at home, we all get along reasonably well, but part of that is I've dumped the guilt at not being able to give them everything they want and replacing it with the acceptance that I'll help as much as I can, but now they are not dependents, the deal changes. Sometimes they have to compromise, just like the rest of us.

noddyholder · 01/04/2015 13:01

Agree re compromise but surely the 2 boys could have the big room and the 17 yr old could use the small room when dd is away if he wants privacy to study or whatever and then she has small room when back?

noddyholder · 01/04/2015 13:02

Didn't realise there was a study I would give her that with a small bed and a few of her bits and then let her find a job locally

iliketeaalot · 01/04/2015 13:02

When I went to uni, my brother just took my room. I doubt there was even a conversation with mum and dad... I wasn't especially bothered though as I had the spare room when I came home and it had an en suite. However, that's not the situation here so maybe I'll just shut up...

PrimalLass · 01/04/2015 13:04

OK, so is the loft usable at all? Could it be floored and insulated? Or even just used for hanging out space? My brothers used ours for their hobbie, and ok it was cold, but at least there was space.

PrimalLass · 01/04/2015 13:05

*hobby, obviously ...

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 01/04/2015 13:10

My brother is MARRIED and now lives in Australia.

He still expects his room to be kept just so and goes apeshit at any changes. My mum was terrified when she redecorated last year and put off telling him for about 6 months.
She is an otherwise rational person.

So you have my sympathies OP, I understand how you must be feeling. But you really need to be tough.

HagOtheNorth · 01/04/2015 13:14

That sounds a lot weirder and a lot worse than the OP's daughter, Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses. Your DB sounds deeply unpleasant and controlling, whereas this sounds like a young adult struggling with leaving her home and losing her place in it.
Hopefully when she has a place of her own and friends to share it with, she'll feel less insecure. Like the vast majority of adults.

GnomeDePlume · 01/04/2015 13:20

I think the second reception/study/adults' bedroom was in the old house not this house

CinnabarRed · 01/04/2015 13:28

Could be, Gnome.

But, even so, I still think it's more unreasonable to expect a 17 year old to share permanently with a 3 year old - leaving a room empty for more than half the year - than for the DD to sleep (rent free) on a sofa bed for the 22 weeks she might be home.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 01/04/2015 13:38

My sister has lived in Canada 30 years. our parents are elderly and in a large 4 bed house. they've been on the waiting list for sheltered accomodation for 2 years and finally got offered a flat in January in a lovely complex.
my sister who doesn't have all the day to day worry and care, is annoyed that they don't just downsize to a 2 or 3 bed house and put a stair lift in.... because the 1 bed sheltered housing doesn't have a room for when she visits....

DurhamDurham · 01/04/2015 13:47

Our youngest dd is going to Uni in September, it's quite local to where we live but she still wants to love out. Our oldest dd is going to work in America for three months and then travel until she runs out of money (I give her a week Grin ) We have decided to downsize this year, I think we'll put the house on the market in September to see if there is any interest. Both girls have objected to this, however as they won't be here to either pay towards or clean their empty bedrooms it has little sway with me. We have assured them they will always have a room to come back to, even if it does mean sharing, but I'm not living in a house where only one bedroom is occupied as it's such a waste. Plus being able to pay off the mortgage will be a lovely feeling, my mum said the day they paid off the mortgage she felt like she had a huge weight lifted of her shoulders.

Eggrique · 01/04/2015 13:49

It's all moved on hasn't it.

things have been fine, moved house, dd settled well into uni. She's been home a few times and had ds2 room to herself. Has lots of draw space all her toiletries are on her own shelf in the bathroom
The last time she was here a couple of weeks ago she actually said it was so good to be home

HagOtheNorth · 01/04/2015 14:07

I have accepted that I have no right to try and control either of my children in their choices. If they decide to emigrate, work for the beauty industry, vote conservative or wear crocs, it is up to them.
Likewise, they don't get to manipulate me or my choices. We can have a discussion and reach an accommodation, but I'm not a martyr and I dislike unfairness. So far that's worked out for us.

MaryWestmacott · 01/04/2015 14:10

Thing is, staying in what is clearly her little brother's room is very different to having her own room. She said it was 'good to be home' but it's clearly not her home, it's not the house she lived in and there's not space for her long term, it's ok for her younger brother to stay in his parent's room for a few days, or even a few weeks, but not long term, she doesn't have a 'plan B' of her parents house anymore. Even more so if when your DSD stays she also has to have DS's room and him on the floor in your room. What happens when both girls are there?

She is different to her friends at uni, they have a home to go back to, they have space that's theirs, not 'making do' in someone else's space.

It's the best you can do, but it's still very different to the situation of pretty much all her friends will be in. What would you do if she dropped out and wanted to come home perminately? It's just not an option is it? She's got to go somewhere else except for short visits. She obviously didn't feel she could stay at yours for the summer, hense being upset her flat isn't ready.

She needs to get a job, is that the case for her friends? Does she have to worry about money and where to live when everyone else doesn't? Doesn't mean you need to do anything differently, but don't get annoyed at her for being upset that the choices you have made means that she doesn't have the same level of security as most other uni students. It is still probably the best choice for everyone else in the family, just not for her. Why do you need her to be happy about it?

HagOtheNorth · 01/04/2015 14:12

'She is different to her friends at uni, they have a home to go back to, they have space that's theirs, not 'making do' in someone else's space. '

That wasn't DD's experience at all. Most of her fellow students rented all year round from Y2 onwards.

Donthate · 01/04/2015 14:15

tell her your landlord has asked you to leave your house and this is all you can afford

MaryWestmacott · 01/04/2015 14:20

Is there any other relatives in the area she could stay with? A grandparent or Aunt with a spare room? You don't have space, expecting your DS to sleep on the floor in your room for 2-3 months or her to sleep on the sofa isn't really practical. A long weekend is one thing, months isn't really workable.

MaryWestmacott · 01/04/2015 14:24

Hag - but did they have somewhere to go? If they didn't have a flat lined up, it wasn't 'homeless'.

She's in Y1, if she's in halls, then they expect you to leave the weekend after uni finishes. In many uni towns they allow for people wanting to rent properties from September onwards for an october start of term.

TheWordFactory · 01/04/2015 14:31

That's the problem in year 1. Halls of residence need them to leave pretty early and most students don't have anywhere to go until September except home.

Summer lets are expensive, rare and usually require a high deposit.

The reality here is that the DD knows there isn't really room for her at home. That her parents can't really afford her at home. But where else is there for her to go?

All the OP can do is keep saying it will be ok. That she's welcome this summer. That they'll all muddle through.

Year 2 will probably take care of itself as many tenancies are 12 months.

hesterton · 01/04/2015 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 01/04/2015 14:42

Most students are home in the holidays and at other random times over the year. It is not 'leaving home' as you aren't earning. I think years ago it was much cheaper and easier tbh