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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Bit sad today. 14 year old DS.

150 replies

Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 09:11

DS1 (14) has spent the holidays at home, in the house. He hasn't made any arrangements to meet up with anyone, bar one day at the beginning he had a friend round for the day. AFAIK he has had no invitations either.

We have had a weekly family day out, but other than that he's been at home, mucking about with DS2 and the neighbourhood children who are 1-2 years younger than him.

He had to change schools which means that school friends are between 6 and 18 miles away so that obviously affects things, but we said we would give him a lift wherever he wanted to go.

Anyone else's 14 year old not done much?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 24/08/2013 09:13

Did you offer him anything constructive - tennis course, summer camp, language exchange? At 14 DC cannot be expected to take control of their own lives.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 09:16

Yes, there were football courses which he refused. I said at the start of the holidays if he was keen to do anything I would take him there.

He is quite shy and not very confident, so anything regarding getting together en masse with people he doesn't know doesn't go down well. I can't force him.

He hasn't been unhappy BTW.

OP posts:
Pascha · 24/08/2013 09:22

This was me at 14-16 Sparkling. I grew up and out of it to some extent but, being an introvert by nature, I was happy in my own self at that point. You've offered him stuff and he has made a choice.

If he's happy at home thats ok. It really is.

purplewithred · 24/08/2013 09:25

If he is happy and stable then that's the important thing. It may be he's a bit of a loner, which is quite a difficult thing to be in our society and school system.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 09:25

Thanks Pascha, I think he would like to be more sociable, but the sort to wait for an invitation rather than try to organise anything himself for fear of nobody wanting to join in.

So while not unhappy as such-he would have got involved if asked.

OP posts:
Pascha · 24/08/2013 09:29

Yeah that sounds likely. Its hard when you're not a joiner by nature. Don't worry about it now though, its nearly the end of the holidays and then the whole slog starts again, hopefully he will have friends at his new school to hook up with by next summer.

Take him out for pizza or something, just you and him if you can. Go on, you know you want to.

Pascha · 24/08/2013 09:34

*My kids are nearly 3 and 7 months, I can't talk really.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 09:35

Yes, I will Pascha. We are going away as a family for a few days this week, and he is quite happy to come, then we are staying with my brother for a bit who he has lots in common with-he's looking forward to that.

It's been a crap week this week, he had his braces tightened and elastic bands attached, so he is a bit fed up, having trouble eating and feeling even less sociable.

I am hoping too that the new school year will find him connecting with a few more people. He has been at the new school for a year and he loves it.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 24/08/2013 09:35

If he was happy I would be ok with it. DD1 is 15 and this is the first year she had met anyone during the holidays.. She has made a friend very similar to her and feels comfortable in her company (dd has anxiety/OCD). Both my DDs play with the kids in the street, all ages just muck in together. DD2 is rubbish at amusing herself but DD1 is happy with her own company.

FriskyMare · 24/08/2013 09:43

Sparkling, you could have described my DS (13), apart from one activity week, he has only seen a couple of friends and spends all day on his computer, he's never been the "down the park playing football with whoever turns up" type but will happily meet with friends when asked and at 13 I don't think I should be organising "play dates" for him.

SoupDragon · 24/08/2013 09:49

My 14 yo has done virtually bog all. He arranged one visit to a friend in the first weeks before the other schools broke up but that was mostly because a) I forced him and b) his friend is allowed Call of Duty and he isn't :) No other visits have been arranged at all. TBH, I'm not bothered - a spot of complete vegetating and occasional boredom does them good.

He's spent a fair amount of time and money at the orthodontist :o

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 09:54

Yay for the Orthodontist trips Soup. Sad Grin

At least DS1 has had a relaxing holiday I suppose.

And I don't get the impression all of his school friends have spent the holidays getting together without him, they are all so spread out.

OP posts:
lljkk · 24/08/2013 09:56

13yo DS has had one mate around once.
Luckily has Scouts once a week all summer, too.

QOD · 24/08/2013 09:56

Joining in n the thread to make everyone feel better! 14 yr old dd is the same. She's been to school friends house for few hrs last day of term, once to cinema with her little 4 some and that's it

She's seen primary friends 4 times, average of once a week and only as I arranged it! Her idea of "something to do" is to come visit my mum with me.
We have just arranged a trip to the local skanky funfair and 2p arcade next week with primary friend and her mum, and a day trip to France. Bt its only happening as I am friends with the mum!
Doesn't help that we have grammar schools here and she's at it, her better/closer primary friends aren't

SoupDragon · 24/08/2013 09:59

TBH, I don't remember spending much time with school friends over the summer.

I've encouraged my DSs to make arrangements but I'm not overly keen as it involves me transporting them to the four corners of the world slight exaggeration I think they got/arranged their invitations over XBox Live whilst playing with friends online.

(given DS1 only has to go to the orthodontist every 6 weeks, he will have been 4 times over the 8 week summer holiday Hmm Still, it gets him out of the house!)

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 10:02

I do feel better. I am grateful that there are other tales of 14 year olds without bursting social calendars/weeks of organised jollity.

He does wear his head set and chats while playing FIFA with his friends, and he Skypes them.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 24/08/2013 10:04

I honestly think that's how they socialise now. We had to go out if we wanted to talk to friends, they can just play a game without leaving the house.

Bowlersarm · 24/08/2013 10:06

My 15 year old DS doesn't go out. He hasn't seen a single friend this summer holiday.

Like you, we do family days out, and we have been a way for a week. That's it. Other than that he stays at home.

DH really worried about him.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 10:08

Are you worried Bowlers? My DH says that if all this technology was available when he was 14 he would never have left the house in the holidays. His parents both worked full time.

OP posts:
FriskyMare · 24/08/2013 10:23

Even why DS has friends over I have often found one in his room on the computer and the other on the main computer playing games against each other, so I suppose they may as well all be at home Grin.

Crumbledwalnuts · 24/08/2013 10:26

Blimey I wouldn't worry about that. Sounds like he had a lovely summer.

Crumbledwalnuts · 24/08/2013 10:27

PS don't underestimate the computer contact. Seems weird to this generation but it really isn't these days.

AnythingNotEverything · 24/08/2013 10:28

My 13 yo DS has been the same. As PP said, if he's happy, I wouldn't worry.

Their social lives are much more digital now - they don't need to hang around in shopping centres with their school friends to have a good time.

BestIsWest · 24/08/2013 10:28

I think it's more common than you think. DS has only met up with friends a handful of times this summer holiday (he's 15). It seems to befairly normal for teenage boys to disappear into their rooms and not emerge for a couple of years.

curlew · 24/08/2013 10:31

Scouts?

My 12 year old is riotously sociable, but I know a lot of his friends aren't- I think a lot of them have only done the things mine has organised them to do! I foresee a career as a Butlins Redcoat for him........

But I agree with the socialising online thing- both of mine can spend hours chatting to friends on Wassup- in my day we would have been sitting on a wall somewhere chatting.

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