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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Bit sad today. 14 year old DS.

150 replies

Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 09:11

DS1 (14) has spent the holidays at home, in the house. He hasn't made any arrangements to meet up with anyone, bar one day at the beginning he had a friend round for the day. AFAIK he has had no invitations either.

We have had a weekly family day out, but other than that he's been at home, mucking about with DS2 and the neighbourhood children who are 1-2 years younger than him.

He had to change schools which means that school friends are between 6 and 18 miles away so that obviously affects things, but we said we would give him a lift wherever he wanted to go.

Anyone else's 14 year old not done much?

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 26/08/2013 13:17

Sparklng we went to a BBQ yesterday with he DSes. Knew there were going to be about 10 teens there. Our friends have a pool. Perfect! 10 teens spending all afternoon in a beautiful pool, lots of pool toys.

The teens spent about half an hour in the pool before each and every one sloped off into the house to play on the Wii. Including the girls!

Very annoying.

monikar · 26/08/2013 13:23

My mum used to get cross with me for watching tv when it was sunny outside and now I know why!

secretscwirrels · 26/08/2013 13:23

curlew - I had very strict rules and limited screen access when DC were younger.
I lost the battle and the war relaxed the rules once they were 14/15.
They were starting GCSEs and both got PC and desk in their room. It coincided with them both losing interest in the x box thank goodness.

You have to let them self regulate sooner or later. DS1 is 17 and will be off to uni in a year. I won't be there to tell him he's having too much screen time.

monikar · 26/08/2013 13:34

secret - I lost the war over screen time at about the same time as you. I was really smug about my control up until that point. Some parents keep it up though. DD 17 has a friend (17) who has to hand in her phone to her parents at 10pm every night, including weekends and holidays.

secretscwirrels · 26/08/2013 15:07

monikar Yes one of DS's friends has no internet access, no facebook, no playstation / x box and no tv. I can understand why parents want to limit and protect young children but it's also part of the job to teach them how to handle the 21st century.

tiredaftertwo · 26/08/2013 16:37

I completely agree, they have to learn to limit it, and I guess the right time to learn to do that is at some point between going to secondary school and going to university? My 14yo, having had fairly strict control up till this summer has shown signs this holiday of independently adopting a middle path between what he might like in an ideal world and what I would! He does have very local friends though and lots to do within a short journey, so I have always encouraged him to make the most of that. I imagine it is very different if you live somewhere remote?

Bonsoir · 26/08/2013 16:57

We sent DD (8) and DSS2 (just about to be 16) to summer camp for a a month where there was a complete screen and technology ban. It's good for breaking the habit.

sicily1921 · 27/08/2013 15:35

Hi Sparkling I know why you worry, I am the same with my DS also 14yrs but it sounds like you don't need to over-worry. You say he's happy (well, not unhappy) and loves school and has been socialising with younger kids, all great.

My DS has only played with one younger friend (we live amongst all elderly neighbours too, not easy when you have a 14yr old and 11yr old!) and has been keen to attend his martial arts class twice a week. Other than that he kicks his football around the garden or street, always refuses to go to local park (can't say I blame him it's a hell hole) and he never mentions school friends although he may twitter them a bit.

It is a different age then when we grew up (70's for me) when children played out and used their imagination all day!

Hopasholic · 27/08/2013 16:18

Send him round here Sparkling they can compare braces and play on the x-box!

DS2 age 11 has not been in one single day, the only time he's here is to edit all the filming he's done of himself on his BMX/skateboard/scooter

DS1 13 has barely left his pit apart from when he comes downstairs in his onesie in search of food. We've been away for 4/6 weeks so I'm just leaving him to it.

Even when we were on holiday he'd just take himself off and read while the other ones larked about in the pool.

It's just the way they are I guess. Dreading the years where they want to go out partying & clubbing. Then we'll wish they were at home on the x-box being antisocial Grin

exoticfruits · 27/08/2013 16:42

From all that you say I really wouldn't worry. Mine were very like that at that age, it has nothing to do with how they socialise later on.

SoupDragon · 27/08/2013 16:47

With any luck, parties will be held virtually, via XBox Live or skype :o

I now have a 14yo with a sparkly new brace and a large bill to work off by mowing our lawn and ironing his own school shirts (every cloud...!)

SoupDragon · 27/08/2013 16:48

As an aside, DS2 (12) had to go to school for rugby training this morning - he fell right back into socialising with friends in Real Life so I'm guessing all is actually fine :)

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 28/08/2013 12:23

Hi all. Thank you for all your reassuring experiences.

We are away for a few days and I am having problems with him. We drove here yesterday, had a nice day, went to the shops, ate out as a family, checked into the apartment. All good.

Today we all got up to go out and explore a bit. DS1 says he doesn't want to go out. Shock

DS2 has gone out with DH. DS1 and I are in the apartment. Sad

OP posts:
tiredaftertwo · 28/08/2013 12:30

I am sorry Sad.

I have had this. And learned that, if the child is safe, and can contact you, it is possibly better to go out yourself so you don't feel resentful. You may come back and find him more cheerful. If not at least you have had a nice coffee!

Good luck - hope you have a lovely time.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 28/08/2013 12:34

Thanks tired. I really don't get it. At all. DH was v cross but didn't let on.

I love him so much, I can't get to the bottom of it all. He says he's fine, he's just tired, in fact he is sound asleep now. I said we would go out just me and him but he didn't want that.

I am all confused and exasperated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 28/08/2013 12:36

Oh, and we have a trip booked and paid for tomorrow. We need to get the 9am train.

OP posts:
aftermay · 28/08/2013 12:44

Good luck for tomorrow. My 13 y.o. has been unsociable this summer. Not coming on family days out, the lot. I hope yours changes his mind as it would be impossible to leafs him home alone in a foreign country or unknown place.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 28/08/2013 12:46

Thanks after we aren't abroad (thank goodness), I don't want to leave him alone in the apartment. There's a balcony with a canal view so I am having a bit of me time. Sort of.

He swears there is nothing wrong. Confused

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ExitPursuedByABear · 28/08/2013 12:51

Oh Sparkling - he will want to go on the trip tomorrow won't he? I thought you were going to Anfield specially for your DSs?

Is Chester still as lovely?

(Do I sound like a weird stalker?)

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 28/08/2013 13:33

Chester is lovely Exit I may get to see it at some point. No you don't sound like a stalker, just someone who remembers stuff. Smile

DH and DS2 have returned with KFC and DS1 has joined us in the living room. Things may be looking up. Smile

And yep, Anfield tomorrow fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 28/08/2013 13:42

He is eating KFC and chatting to us. WTF? Angry

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PharaohHound · 28/08/2013 13:49

My eldest boy was like this from about 13 to 15. They've outgrown 'going to someone's house' like they did at primary, there doesn't seem to be a lot they want to do except screen time and they can do that most comfortably alone, in their rooms, and still be in touch with each other. It's a bit hard to get your head round, but it's normal.

when he hit 15/16 or so, there seemed to be parties and things, or they could take a bus or train to go places, and they came out of themselves a bit more. Now at 18 he is out all the time with his friends, day and night in my car it's such a change in a few years.

dd 14 has remained a bit more outgoing, but she's horsey and down the stables a lot with a horsey crowd, I think if they have an interest that draws them out of their room it helps, but you can't force it.

bigTillyMint · 28/08/2013 13:49

Oh Sparkling, he sounds very teenagery. KFC would definitely cheer DD (14) up tooConfused, but she would be over the moon if she was going on a tour of Anfield(Envy on her behalf!)

Are you in Chester? I'm from not far from there!

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 28/08/2013 13:57

This teenagery business is grating my carrot Tilly, it's like Jekyll and Hyde.

Yes, we are in Chester, I would move here if I could TBH.

I believe DS has just said he is coming out with us this afternoon. Yay! I want to hire a boat on the river and go shopping and eat ice cream. Smile

OP posts:
tiredaftertwo · 28/08/2013 14:01

Yah!

I think they are all a bit mad sometimes, tbh. If he seems OK in himself, I wouldn't worry too much and perhaps let him stay in apartment alone some of the time, with the expectation that he joins you for the big trips without a fuss, don't talk about it, and make sure you yourself have lots of fun cos that's the best way of getting him to join you willingly!