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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Bit sad today. 14 year old DS.

150 replies

Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 09:11

DS1 (14) has spent the holidays at home, in the house. He hasn't made any arrangements to meet up with anyone, bar one day at the beginning he had a friend round for the day. AFAIK he has had no invitations either.

We have had a weekly family day out, but other than that he's been at home, mucking about with DS2 and the neighbourhood children who are 1-2 years younger than him.

He had to change schools which means that school friends are between 6 and 18 miles away so that obviously affects things, but we said we would give him a lift wherever he wanted to go.

Anyone else's 14 year old not done much?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 14:07

The changing schools thing was a concern. We knew this thing with all the friends being miles away would happen.
He didn't have to move schools but due to a myriad of reasons we all agreed it needed to be done.

He is going into Year 10 monikar, I am already concerned that playing for 2 football teams with training 3 times a week and matches on Saturday and Sunday, plus all the schoolwork will be a toughie.

OP posts:
monikar · 24/08/2013 14:15

That is a lot to do outside of the schoolwork, but they need some downtime and sport is good in that respect. I would say, with hindsight, is that the key is to be organised, and he may need your help with this. For DD, year 10 was the first year that she had several big assignments running at the same time and the temptation is to leave it as 'there is ages yet'. Best to make a start as soon as the work is given out - your DS may naturally be inclined to do this anyway.

On the upside, you will be able to use his training and match sessions as incentive to get his work done before he goes out so it could all work out well.

Mumof3wifeof1 · 24/08/2013 15:07

My Ds seems to be quite happy to do naff all and to be honest, it's so busy when they go back to school, plus his footie club trains 4 times a week, that I think he needs the rest. he has sisters though so it's not as if he is on his own, he particularly seems to like it when his older sisters friends come round the house, he never seems to want to leave the house when they turn up ..... Funny that .......

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 15:26

No girls on the horizon to complicate things as yet Mumof3. Grin

I do feel a bit gloomy re what the GCSE years may entail. he needs to prioritise.

OP posts:
louby44 · 24/08/2013 16:25

Tv's in bedroom but Xbox, Laptops are in family areas. They do both have ipods though.

friendlymum67 · 24/08/2013 21:45

So pleased I came across this thread - my DS (14) is the same. Hardly leaves his room, alternates between laptop, xbox (I do love hearing him laughing heartily with his friends Smile ), phone, trips downstairs for food, annoying his sister and brief chat with me - if I'm lucky!

He has been to the cinema twice in the holidays and we have just returned from a week away where he had to endure the company of his mum, nan and sister! He ranged from monosyllabic to expressing his strong opinions! Grin

He is now away with his DF and his trollop in Spain. I miss him but its a relief not to have 'worry' about him holed up in his room all day, his dad can deal with things for a change!

DD is 10 and still likes doing things with me, she is much easier to entertain! Grin

Shallishanti · 24/08/2013 21:54

DS is 17 and same story here, I really struggle to accept this as normal and am haunted by the thought that he is being left out...for which, if true he would only have himself to blame. His sisters were much more sociable, maybe it's a boy thing.

BehindLockNumberNine · 24/08/2013 21:58

Ds (just turned 14) has been the same this holiday.
He has had one friend from school round for a brief visit one afternoon, and has gone into town with another school friend for a few hours one day.
The rest of the time he has been helping with gardening jobs, come with us to visit my mum in Holland and been on the playstation chatting to his friends via the headset thing.

He has gone to regular athletics training with his best mate from school all through the holidays so that is something I suppose!

I never wanted to meet up with school friends throughout the holidays at that age, I think I worked hard at socialising at school that I enjoyed the break from it in the holidays...

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2013 22:07

I am so glad I am not alone. I wish he was a bit more sociable and 'out there' if I am honest but he is ok I think.

We should round all of our teens up and send them off camping together or something. Grin

We are going away this week, I have made sure we have WiFi at the apartment. We were going to a hotel until I actually realised he wouldn't want to sleep in a room with his parents and little brother. Sad
He can knock about in his boxers at breakfast like he does at home too.

OP posts:
Beamur · 24/08/2013 22:15

The kids near me all play together - not all the same age and it's not unusual for there to be a couple of years age gaps between chums. Some of the lads and girls who are at the High School still knock about with their local friends who are still at Junior School without it seeming to be a social stigma Smile
My DSD was a lot like this at the same age too - didn't really socialise much with friends, preferred to spend time with family or on her own. DSS spent a LOT of time on Xbox - far more than RL time with friends.

loopyluna · 25/08/2013 15:47

Another DS who hasn't done much these holidays. He's 13 and has also had a change of school and friends quite far away, but seems happy enough, mooching about, xboxing and watching repeats of the blooming Big Bang Theory!

I've managed to drag him to the outdoor pool a few times and he'll go out with mates if they call for him but most of his nearby mates have been away a lot.

On the plus side, all the lie-ins and lazing about seems to be connected to a long-needed growth spurt and he will definitely be going back to school a bit taller (which is a good thing as he is a titch!)

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 25/08/2013 15:52

Funny you should say that loopy, DS1 has definitely grown in the last 6 weeks. All that sleeping I reckon....

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 25/08/2013 15:57

My DS has not left his room for the entire holidays! I suppose its nice he's happy in his own company but last year he was out all the time.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 25/08/2013 16:06

Two years ago in the summer holidays we never saw him sonly. Confused

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 25/08/2013 16:09

Its rotten isn't I keep telling him he's wasting his holiday, you're stuck in enough in the winter.

secretscwirrels · 25/08/2013 16:35

I have two like that Sparkling. Two boys of 15 and 17 who would be hermits left to themselves.
We are very rural so there are no friends for miles, even if they were the kick a ball around the park types.
DS2 is the worst, I have christened him the cave troll. He is happy though. He plays far too much LoL on his pc with his friends on Skype.
I have given up trying to chivvy either of them into making social arrangements because they think they are socialising on-line and I was annoying them.
You hit the nail on the head about others though. I think it's more a boy thing, but I am pretty sure their school /college friends are doing nothing either.
DS2 is going bowling tomorrow with 3 friend from school to celebrate their Maths GCSE (Y10). It will be the first time he's been out with them since they broke up.

Original poster
Sparklingbrook · 26/08/2013 09:05

'Cave troll' secret. Grin

Well we are going away this week, he seems ok so far but when it's time to get in the car I am expecting the 'I don't want to go' face.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 26/08/2013 10:19

Sparkling, fingers crossed - there is another thread on here about a 15yo who said he didn't want to go at the last minuteShock

DfanjoUnchained · 26/08/2013 10:22

My 14yr old nephew has spent the whole of the holidays indoors unless he was dragged out! Must be the age :)

Coconutty · 26/08/2013 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

racingheart · 26/08/2013 10:33

Hi,

My DC aren't that age yet, but I think it's pretty normal for them to have at least one summer of total isolation from their peers. All my friends whose DC are older have described one summer like this, and DS1's very sociable best friend who lives two mins walk away, and is a year older than DS1 hasn't been seen once this summer. Just hibernating.

You say your DS is doing football training, has a part time job and is looking forward to a family holiday and seeing his uncle. He probably has a really vivid and absorbing life inside his head. I wouldn't worry.

The only thing is that I think shyer teens do need a shove from their parents from time to time. Don't ask if he wants to do something, tell him you've booked him onto something which you know he might enjoy.

My dad did this for me when I was 13 and spent my life in my PJs all weekend, speaking to no one. He just sorted out a course, signed me up and it turned into my profession for twenty years. Was the best thing that ever happened. It totally transformed my life from shy and weird billy-no-mates to having a really wonderful social life as a teen with a bunch of really lovely people who kept each other pretty much on the right path. I'd never have done it without his push.

FyfieldFred · 26/08/2013 11:38

My son (now 20) was exactly the same at that age and I felt awful for him! Tried to organise all sorts but he told me, quite politely, that he was fine thanks. He's about to start his 3rd year at uni, having done well at all his exams, has masses of friends and is a complete credit to us. So please don't worry, it will work out. Some kids are like that!

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 26/08/2013 11:54

My DC are the same - the only real life socialising they've done is with each other, or when I've organised going out. They're happy though, so I'm not bothered. Both DSs have been in contact with friends via online games and texting and FB, they just cba to make arrangements to actually meet. TBH, I didn't start going out on a regular basis until I was 16/17 so I don't think they're destined for a life hiding in their bedrooms yet Smile

tiredaftertwo · 26/08/2013 13:09

Curlew, no I don't allow unlimited access either. Can see the argument for it, but for us it works better to try to get a balance, and my 14yo ds does make arrangements to see his friends and does also come out on occasional things I have arranged with family friends or school friends that have tipped into being family friends Smile. Enjoys it all but I am not sure he would choose to if he did have unlimited access. Horses for courses, but you are not alone!

tiredaftertwo · 26/08/2013 13:16

OP, just saw how much football he does - I wouldn't worry about his holidays then. He should have time for football and schoolwork, and the football can be his socialising, which he won't have time for anyway in term time! Then as he gets older, he can maybe meet his football lot for a kickaround occasionally in the holidays. Playing with younger kids is lovely, IMO, relaxing, takes them out of the competitive teen thing, and they get to be children a bit longer.

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