DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet

[Minifingers]

My 13 year old DD has stalked me across mumsnet - logging on to my settings and searching my history to see what I've written about her. I've tried to cover my tracks by clearing my history and occasionally name changing, but she's seen quite a lot of what I've written. She is furious that I'm talking about her on an internet board and has asked me to stop. I have explained that I've had fantastic advice and support from this board which at times has been sanity-saving for me, and that it's all anonymous. No matter. She doesn't want me to talk about her here, or to phone parent line and discuss our problems there either.

She has support in this from my mother (who is 78, has never used the internet and doesn't understand how boards like this work) and from DH who I suspect feels pretty contemptuous about mn generally. I've not had one family member support me in seeing this board as useful support and advice.

Should add - I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting.

But is it wrong of me to carry on using this board if I know DD is accessing it, and if there's no way I can stop her from seeing my posts?

It's becoming a real issue, and dd has raised it with the psychiatrist she is seeing at CAMHS. She says that they have told her that it's wrong for me to write about my family on mumsnet. I doubt they've actually said this, but he may have acknowledged her feeling her privacy has been violated.

Wonder what you think?

Not ok. So everyone is essentially telling you that you aren't 'allowed' support from the source you've found best for you? No no no. I'm sure it's not nice to be talked about but she's spied on you to find this out and thats not nice. Can you get your dh on side? Even if he doesn't rate mumsnet, he should rate your feelings and need for support. And should not be joining in this ganging up on you to cut off your support.

So, lets get this straight: You post for advice on an anonymous forum, no one knows who you are IRL. Your DD makes the decision to track down your posts and read them. Whose privacy is being violated here?

It's a bit like ransacking someone's bedroom and finding their hidden diary then complaining that they've written about you. Not totally like that, but a bit like it.

Personally I'd do incognito, change name again, change the age and sex of the child in your posts and carry on.

wannabe - I do have support in RL. We are having family therapy through CAMHS, my mum and sister, and DH's family are great.

But what's going on with DD is so much at the centre of my life (I only work very part time) and so dominating my existence at the moment, that I need more outlets than family and friends can provide. All my family members are kind and lovely, but they have their own problems, and I can't keep dumping on them, nice as they are.

With regards to dd's privacy - I think this is most infringed by telling family and friends the full details of what has been going on at home. I have talked about it to a couple of people I know who I consider friends, and have been quite upset by their response, which has on two occasions involved comments showing utter contempt and disgust at my dd.

I need to be able to talk this through with other people who know what it's like to have a teenager who is behaving in an extreme way. I hardly know anyone in real life who has been prepared to admit to needing to call the police on their child (for example). It's so stigmatising, and I hate to see the shock on their faces. And dd sees these people out and about because they are part of her community. I can tell you, there is nothing more demoralising than sharing information about behaviour like we've experienced with dd with someone who is kind and well meaning, but has a child the same age who is really well behaved and is obviously shocked and a bit appalled by hearing about what I'm going through.

She's the one providing the material though isn't she? If it wasn't for your DDs behaviour you could talk about washing machine maintenance washes or loud parenting like the rest of us.

This is your outlet and support so do what you like. I think I remember your DD's story and its shocking what you've been put through.

If your DH is great in every other way, then talk to him.

Explain that although he might 'not get it', you are accessing support and it's important to you.

Ask him to display a united front with DD over this, regardless of what he thinks of it.

I agree with the posters who say that you need to explain to DD that she won't be making any decisions for you.

How is she able to snoop on your browsing history?

Nobody else at home can log in as me. Nor would they dare.

How would your DD react if you said she was not to use fb/twitter/tumblr etc because you had been stalking her and you didn't like what she'd said? No doubt she would feel her privacy had been violated and she had a right to say what she wanted. I know nothing on the internet is really anonymous, but it is highly unlikely that anyone would be able to identify her on here now or in the future unless she directed them to the posts.
Don't let her dictate to you in this way, and I wouldn't lie about it either. It sets a bad example on both counts. She needs to see you as a person who is affected by her behaviour just as she perceives to be affected by yours.

I'm puzzled by that too. I try and stay anonymous on the net.
My computer access is password protected, as is my MN login.
How is she finding you?

But it's not a hidden diary. It's published for all the world to read. And digitally searchable. That's a big difference.

And after a quick look at OP's posts, I'd say

a) blimey, I'm really sorry for everything you're going through, and

b) you're very recognisable by anyone who knows you or any of your family, even just at the school gate.

Would definitely suggest a namechange that you use solely for stuff to do with DD. And possibly asking MNHQ to delete your last big thread to do with her, after you've copied anything you found useful.

Good luck.

'CAMHS may well have said it is inappropriate.
Why are you not involved with them more and MN less?'

Because MN is accessible 24/7 and has a huge number of people to help and support you anonymously and with enormous experience of a wide range of experiences.
Do you have first-hand experience of CAMHS quietly? I haven't found that hey work quite like that.
Mini, you do know that MNSN is opt in? Is your DD a member of MN?

So, do you need to change how you post? What information you give out?

Your DD is abusing you in all sorts of ways.

Don't let her control you in this.

It's just another one of her abusive power trip things.

Keep posting on MN. Don't tell her you're going to stop.

And keep getting support here.

Seeing as this is anonymous there is absolutely no reason to stop.

Even if it wasn't anonymous it'd be fine - as long as you weren't saying libel / slander.

"But it's not a hidden diary. It's published for all the world to read. And digitally searchable. That's a big difference."

yes I agree, I didn't say it was the same. But an online forum is anonymous, no one knows that it is MinifingersDD'srealname who is being talked about. No one who reads it in their town will know it's her.

So in that respect it is hidden, because the person is not identified.

But if she goes looking for what's been written, what does she expect? She must know she's not seeing CAHMS and having the police pop round because she's such a pleasure as a daughter.

It's like the saying "an eavesdropper never hears anything good about themselves."

Having said all that - and without having read any of the OP's threads about her DD - if the DD was open to reasonable dialogue then they wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, so it's all academic.

You are not being unreasonable at all! We all need support & advice, especially from those who aren't too close to the situation.

Have you tried explaining to your dd how helpful & important mn is to you? And that you are completely annomous i.e. no one knows who you or your dd are, so it isn't doing her any harm.

Whether or not she comes round to your view point (doubtful, as a teenager), you should maybe consider changing your log in id so she can't stalk you?

Sorry your dd is being so difficult. It does sound like she's just using this as one more thing to make you feel bad about.... Try not to let her get to you.

Good luck.

I sort of agree with Tianc, in that this is public and most people are quite recognisable (me, I gave up any shred of internet privacy YEARS ago); on the other hand I don't think you should let her bully you into stopping. You can't stop her looking at MN. You can tell her she's not stopping you post, and then stick to one or two highly supportive threads.

Seriously, BalloonSlayer, lots of people with children at Minifinger's DC's schools, or who know Minifingers socially, could recognise her. She's posted otherwise innocent details which make her rare and also give approx location. And once an adult has recognised stuff, many seem full of the urge to gossip (if threads on here are anything to go by).

MF, if you like I'll PM you and tell you which post you need deleted re this. But I only had a quick look - if you've shared that info several times, you'll have to track it down.

Actually I'm going to PM you anyway, Minifingers, now that I've gone and said that.

Would you be okay if there was a site called "teensnet" and your DD was posting on there about how horrible you were as a parent, and giving away enough information so that people in your town could identify you?

Posting on forums is all fine and getting support here is great, but I wouldn't be happy if it was my relationship being talked about, especially if I was identifiable by what had been written. You're well within your rights to get help here, but I think you do need to consider DD's feelings and try and put yourself in her shoes.

If you were chatting to a friend about her in the living room and knew she was outside and could hear every word, would you say what you're saying on here? If not, you probably need to change what you're publishing on the internet for the world to see.

'Would you be okay if there was a site called "teensnet" and your DD was posting on there about how horrible you were as a parent,'

You mean like Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr and Youtube and the hundred and one forums for teens to vent?

Oh I didn't know that Tianc. That does make it different.

Living - people in our community who don't know us as a family will not get enough info from my posts here to identify us. People who do know us well already know what we are going through with dd because I have talked to family and friends about it.

CAMHS is giving us family therapy and it is some help. But the therapists are two very young 20 something women. I need to talk to PARENTS who have gone through what I'm going through, and I'd really prefer not to be bumping into those people at the school gate all the time. The thing with this board is that people who come here usually are looking to give or receive support with parenting their teens. My friends are nice but they don't volunteer specifically to take this role. I don't want to foist myself on people in RL who have their own problems.

Like MI, I am sure I am very recognisable on here - I would name-change if I was posting anything private/sensitive. Could you do that?

Tianc - if someone is going to go to the trouble of stalking me on MN to find out things about me and my family then good luck to them. There is nothing I have put on MN about my family which is not already known in my community, or which I'd be mortified at someone finding out.

I've really not got any secrets I've talked about on mumsnet that I'd l