DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet

[Minifingers]

My 13 year old DD has stalked me across mumsnet - logging on to my settings and searching my history to see what I've written about her. I've tried to cover my tracks by clearing my history and occasionally name changing, but she's seen quite a lot of what I've written. She is furious that I'm talking about her on an internet board and has asked me to stop. I have explained that I've had fantastic advice and support from this board which at times has been sanity-saving for me, and that it's all anonymous. No matter. She doesn't want me to talk about her here, or to phone parent line and discuss our problems there either.

She has support in this from my mother (who is 78, has never used the internet and doesn't understand how boards like this work) and from DH who I suspect feels pretty contemptuous about mn generally. I've not had one family member support me in seeing this board as useful support and advice.

Should add - I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting.

But is it wrong of me to carry on using this board if I know DD is accessing it, and if there's no way I can stop her from seeing my posts?

It's becoming a real issue, and dd has raised it with the psychiatrist she is seeing at CAMHS. She says that they have told her that it's wrong for me to write about my family on mumsnet. I doubt they've actually said this, but he may have acknowledged her feeling her privacy has been violated.

Wonder what you think?

Ime teens vent about their parents all the time, online and off. If I went stalking my dd online I am sure I would find all sorts of things I wouldn't want to read. Not to mention if I took to listening in on her conversations or reading her emails.

But many teens find it difficult to accept the concept of their parents as real people, with real emotions and a real need for support, like they themselves have.

Family therapy can be an excellent thing. But it isn't exactly a place where you can vent and rant.

And if the OPs dd is even trying to stop her from ringing parentline, she is basically saying the OP is not allowed to tell her side of the story to anyone. Whereas she herself is presumably allowed to talk freely to the CAHMS counsellor. And probably to her friends too.

I don't think I could accept this. My take would be "I am a real person too, my needs to be heard are equal to yours, either we both have the right to talk (preserving basic anonymity) or we neither have the right. But whatever rules bind me will also bind you. If you spy on me, then you accept that I'm entitled to spy on you."

Does she talk to her friends about you?

I can see both sides.

MN was very helpful to me ages ago when dd was being bullied. But, at that time I felt a bit strange about posting stuff about my dd - and felt uncomfortable really. She knows I posted about the bullying on here and was fine with it but I felt a bit odd, as if I was revealing info which should remain private.

I also have a same name (or variant of getorf) for years and also talk quite openly about my job, where I live etc. So I could be easily outed. Which I am fine about, tbh, but I can't say it would be the same for dd.

DD had a big issue last year which I could have done with talking about on MN, but resisted as I felt it wasn't appropriate.

I think though it is a different thing that your dd is dictating what you can and cannot do, though. That is a difficult one. I agree with hully that she could be using it as a stick to beat you with whilst she is going through a terrible time and wants to lash out.

However, I do get her point. Could you say that you will continue to use mumsnet, but you will not discuss her. And then carry on as you are but change your name every 5 minutes, and perhaps move any long standing threads to OTBT. Or keep a user name but radically change lots of detail so you cannot be recognised.

Is she embarrassed seeing descriptions of her behaviour written down?

Providing you d

How did it get to the point where everyone in the household feels free to tell you, a parent and an adult, how you should be dealing with your own life?

Your DD has overstepped the mark if she has managed to rope in your mother and she is now taking sides. Has she got her father onside too? If so, then that is not healthy. She has insinuated herself between you and two other people whose relationships with you are important. All the adults here need to wake up and realise they are being manipulated. You are being bullied.

There is something really dysfunctional going on here, to do with respect for you. Somewhere along the line boundaries within your family have been breached. It is time for you to assert yourself and tell DD there will be serious consequences for stalking you on MN, and you must mean this.

Do not address her problems with you posting, the confidentiality issue, etc. Draw your line at your problem with her stalking you. It is neither justified nor right. You are the adult and you need to pull rank here and frankly on this matter your H needs to back you up no matter how many reservations he may have about forums or 'wimmin's chatter' or whatever problem he has with discussion of problems (men often like to get problems solved and move on and don't see the point of all the talking whereas it's what women do most). She has no right to invade your online privacy but you have the right to seek help online if that is where you want to talk about it just as you have tie right to speak about things with a friend irl if you have a friend to talk with.

Bah phone - providing you don't include details that identify her she can't complain really. If she doesn't like the description of her behaviour maybe she should start to reflect on why.

But it?s not anonymous. Yes you have a username which isn?t your rl name but if you publish enough details then you can be recognised by anyone reading your posts. And it has nothing to doo with anyone going online to snoop on your posts, it has to do with the fact that mn is a public forum that can be visited by anyone. I wrote a blog post about this about a year ago, and basically I likened it to standing in the street while blindfolded, broadcasting your business into the town while other people walk by who are also blindfolded, except the difference is that they will know who you are because they would recognise your voice, but you wouldn?t know that they were walking by.

Anyone can be reading your posts, and you would have no idea. An why ever your dd came across your posts in the first place I have no idea, but personally if I discovered that someone was posting about me regularly online then too bloody right I would keep going back to see what they were saying? It?s not a personal diary it?s a public forum open too anyone. So just as you have the right to post here so your dd has the right to read and object to being discussed.

I was recognised in a shop once. Not from deeply personal information but purely from details I have posted here i.e. area I live, fact I have a VI and a guide dog and a child, that was all that was needed, and one day I was in a shop locally when someone made reference to me ?also being a member of mumsnet.? Don?t think that no-one can recognise you just because they haven?t said they can.

mathanxiety that is a really good post re boundaries etc.

The whole MN thing comes secondary to that actually. Especially with the other adults being roped in.

this sounds like controlling behaviour to me. explain you keep postings annonymous, you are glad she's so interested in your life and actually, would she mind if you sat in on her therapy sessions as they are clearly talking about you?

I would tell her you'll stop posting when you've got nothing to post about cause honestly, she sounds vile. She needs to change her behaviour fast because it seems like she can be really nice when she wants to be/ to other people then disgusting at home. I wouldn't like to read about myself either if I was behaving as she does but the buck stops with her. Her choice.

I do agree you are probably identifiable to anyone who knows you in to though. I know quite a lot and I only browse active topics but recognised your recent name change thread as you!

I can see both sides of this. MN is a life line, so I understand entirely the need to post here.

But that said, I was under CAMHS myself, struggling to deal with my (then undiagnosed) mental health condition. It was traumatic for me. I'm sure it was for my family too, and I know my mum talked to a few of her friends about what was going on. If I had found out she had been effectively displaying all my 'faults' for a world of strangers to see, whilst I was struggling to come to terms with them myself, I would have felt exactly the same.

You do, of course, have every right to search out for support at this difficult time. But equally she has the right not to be talked about.

It's a tough one. When is the next family therapy session? Worth discussing there?

And can we stop with the personal attacks on the OPs daughter? If she is already struggling with mental health concerns, and the OP is posting about the fact she reads her threads, calling her names will simply cause more problems, both for the DD, and for the relations within the family.

Hi Mini, sorry to hear that your mum and DH are being unsupportive.

Respect goes both ways, your dd is not respecting your privacy, boundaries, physical space and more. Wouldn't be surprised if she has discussed you on social media forums too, most teenagers are on them these days.

As you say people close to you already know, other people wouldn't be able to identify you from what you have posted unless they went actively searching for it.

This is just further control and abuse from your dd and now she has roped in other family members to control you too.

Do not capitulate to her demands. This is not about you and your behaviour. All this is just shifting the focus from her behaviour onto you.

If you haven't already please get yourself some 1-2-1 therapy, you need somewhere she can't invade to get it all off your chest.

Maybe she doesn't like a mirror held up to her behaviour. Given how extreme her behaviour is I would just tell her you need somewhere to discuss it - that you won't post something that makes her indentifiable outside the family/people who know the detailed story but you have to talk about it somewhere or you will crack up.

Usually I would have some sympathy with her tbh, but her behaviour is so extreme I don't think she should get to cut off your support or dictate how you cope. Her behaviour will get her talked about. Maybe she hasn't worked out yet that if she pushes you over the edge she really will have no-one on her side/.

If you can 100% say that using MN is not putting your daughter in a negative situation then do not stop. Your child can not be allowed to tell you what to do. MN can be a life line and a life saver, but it can also be a time sapper and addiction tool, so be honest with yourself about the benefits and negatives and then make your own decision. I very much doubt CAHMS said you shouldn't be using MN.

Sorry, CAMHS.

She says it upsets her and she's asked you not to talk about her.

I think you should do as she asks, her privacy matters.

She is abusing you. This is just one more form of trying to control you.

Do not stop posting, and get your own therapist. And don't do joint counselling with her, because she is using that as a way to manipulate you already.

I am extremely about what the dynamic is like in your family if everyone is telling you are not allowed to use mumsnet - has she learned her controlling behaviour from someone else?

I think your family are out of order here, actually. Your DD shouldn't be able to dictate to the entire family what you are allowed to do online.

I can understand her not liking personal stuff put on the Internet, but if you're being reasonably careful then it shouldn't be a problem. I haven't searched for anything, but if you are the poster I think it's more about denying you access to support than her privacy. Most of her vitriol is aimed at you anyway.

I expect there's an element of hypocrisy in it too. Presumably she's posting about you on Twitter/Facebook etc. I doubt it's as restrained as the stuff you've written about her.

She stalks you across the boards. That's weird (and controlling). Obvious things you can do - namechange, change your passwords. A good idea is to choose a long one she can't guess - CorrectHorseBatteryStaple is your friend. No need for random numbers etc, much more secure. Make sure she hasn't installed a keystroke logger by scanning for it and getting rid of it. The tech boards here can help if you need them to.

Then always log on to MN in private browsing. If you have a smartphone or other device don't leave it logged in to MN. If it's connected to an email address she can access, can you change that too?

Sorry, not so great on the teenagers thing, but a little better on the privacy on the net issue! Good luck.

I can't imagine how mortified I would have been as a girl her age to discover my mum was posting online about me. Its all very well to say that she has violated your boundaries and probably talks about you online etc and while logically that is true, privacy and being protective of it is an emotional more than a logical thing, particularly to girls that age and especially if they have mental health issues, which I am presuming she does if she is going to CAHMs.

One aspect of starting mental health treatment is that because it is all about you, and because they ate quite hot on confidentiality etc, this can magnify such feelings at the start.

If you do continue to post because it is important to you, make sure that it isn't traceable, it isn't identifiable and -this is the big one - nothing is discussed in such away that you wouldnt say to someone in real life. I don't mean use a particular person as your test, because you may not have someone, but rather, if I had a friend who was kind and helpful but tiny snippets of what I said might get out would I say this to them? I think it is very easy (and this is not personal as I have never read any of your posts) to be harsher over the internet than you would be face to face. If you genuinely need to be that harsh, maybe counselling should be considered.

how about a compromise? You still use MN but will not write about her? another email address, register again using another name, some random photo's on the profile page etc