DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet

[Minifingers]

My 13 year old DD has stalked me across mumsnet - logging on to my settings and searching my history to see what I've written about her. I've tried to cover my tracks by clearing my history and occasionally name changing, but she's seen quite a lot of what I've written. She is furious that I'm talking about her on an internet board and has asked me to stop. I have explained that I've had fantastic advice and support from this board which at times has been sanity-saving for me, and that it's all anonymous. No matter. She doesn't want me to talk about her here, or to phone parent line and discuss our problems there either.

She has support in this from my mother (who is 78, has never used the internet and doesn't understand how boards like this work) and from DH who I suspect feels pretty contemptuous about mn generally. I've not had one family member support me in seeing this board as useful support and advice.

Should add - I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting.

But is it wrong of me to carry on using this board if I know DD is accessing it, and if there's no way I can stop her from seeing my posts?

It's becoming a real issue, and dd has raised it with the psychiatrist she is seeing at CAMHS. She says that they have told her that it's wrong for me to write about my family on mumsnet. I doubt they've actually said this, but he may have acknowledged her feeling her privacy has been violated.

Wonder what you think?

It's not at the cost of her child though, him.
The most sensible, rational and honest replies are coming from people with direct experience of being abused either physically or emotionally by their own children.
The vapid theorising seems to be coming from those without.
Mini, namechange, use Maryz's fantastic teenager threads, post in SN and guard your anonymity more.
One thing you can do is NC and then pm the people you've found the most helpful and informed, letting them know who you are.
Then you can have a dialogue without having to explain the backstory and reveal key information to the general public, you will have a core of people to talk to and get support from.

Himalaya, I love my son. But the physical attacks used to hurt just as much as if he'd been a stranger, and the damage was worse because I didn't and wouldn't put him down in the same way I would anyone else (bar DD) who attacked me.

Perhaps you should offer the same advice to the DD, Bonsoir?

Have you read the thread, Bonsoir, about the minimal amount of support available for parents in this situation?

The OP is struggling with a dd who is violent and stronger than her, who locks her out and uses abusive language and has hit her, with a younger child with SN who has to live in this stressful environment, all the therapy and MH support is for the daughter alone. If she talks to people in her local community that will be a far worse invasion of her dd's privacy. On MN there are parents with exactly this experience who can give useful ideas of what worked for them and what didn't work. So if she can't come here, where should she go for help?

What I have seen on these threads over the years is not some kind of hate or blame speech against violent or abusive teenagers.

Quite to the contrary, the contributors are people who deeply love their teens but for whom violence and verbal abuse is something they have to handle in their everyday life.

They get a certain amount of experience, often advising parents to be cautious, not to engage too much, to pick your battles, to stay safe. That experience may well save some unfortunate teen from accidentally killing a parent one day.

Don't forget- parents don't only want to keep their children safe from what others can do to them: they also want to keep them safe from what they might do to others. A child who ends up in jail on a manslaughter charge hasn't really been kept safe, has he?

'Don't forget- parents don't only want to keep their children safe from what others can do to them: they also want to keep them safe from what they might do to others. A child who ends up in jail on a manslaughter charge hasn't really been kept safe, has he?'

That is so very true, and so very few parents realise that it may be a possibility. How many on here worrying about their child being bullied as opposed to the numbers worrying that their child is a bully?

Tell her to pack it in and that shes grounded. She is not your parent.

If your husband is backing up your daughter over this, and so is your mum, then no wonder youve got problems with your daughter.

is it the rest of the family against you or something???

"If the child doesn't go stalking it won't be at the cost of the child."

That's just not true, is it? This child's life is being laid out in great detail on a public internet forum; she is consistently being called vile and an abuser; she has no way to defend herself or put her side of the story. Is that a caring way to treat a child? It's perfectly possible that her schoolmates can access what her mother is posting about her, and god knows who else.

The OP makes no secret of the fact that she lives in a part of London where there is a plethora of mental health provision for children, adolescents and parents. Her GP would be the first port of call. Saying "there is no help available in London" is effectively saying "I do not like the help I am being offered and I do not approve of/will not support the help being given to my dd".

Speaking from my experience of CAHMS, if there was something the psychiatrist or therapist felt I needed to do, then they would have the courtesy to tell me direct, either through a brief word at the end of the session or through an email; they would not risk Chinese whispers by sending it by word of mouth through a third party, let alone an interested third party.

Dd has been told repeatedly that she does not have to divulge anything that happens in a private sessions to her parents and I believe this is standard practice: so expecting compliance from parents with something said to the child in a private session would be rather odd.

IN any case, I have never come across a CAHMS official who issues orders in this fashion: what they give is suggestions for us to discuss and decide whether they would work for our family. Ime CAHMS counselling is nothing like your GP telling you to take two pink pills with a glass of water before bedtime; it's more of "what do you think might work in this situation".

I know who you are. Tell her when she starts accepting her responsibilities to you and allows you to know where she is at all times, (as is your right, given that she is only 13) and when she allows you unfettered access to her facebook and her phone etc, and goes to school and behaves more respectfully towards teachers, and you and DH and her brother, then she can lay down the law about what you do and do not say about her on this forum. At the moment she doesn't have a leg to stand on as I see it.

If she wasn't the way she is, you wouldn't need to tell us about it.

And the only person who knows you are talking about her is her! It's anonymous!

"The OP makes no secret of the fact that she lives in a part of London where there is a plethora of mental health provision for children, adolescents and parents. Her GP would be the first port of call. Saying "there is no help available in London" is effectively saying "I do not like the help I am being offered and I do not approve of/will not support the help being given to my dd"."

Have you ever tried getting support for yourself because of your child's MH issues? How much CAHMS experience do you have? Do you know what the OP is being offered? Have you any idea of how stretched the NHS is and how difficult it is to get a referral?

You must admit to say there is no help available in London is a bit extreme. As far as I can see, there is a child at risk here.

This is just another way of her bullying you and trying to control you. do not give in to it.

I feel extremely sorry for the OP, but I can also understand why her family doesn't think that exposing its dysfunctions to the whole world on the internet isn't going to help them rebuild trust and loyalty.

himalayan Mon 03-Jun-13 10:24:04
"You must admit to say there is no help available in London is a bit extreme. As far as I can see, there is a child at risk here."

Yes, and the child has been offered help. The mother has not. Which ime is precisely how it goes. There is provision for children at risk but very little for parents at risk.

It is not called The Children's and Adolescents' Mental Health Service for nothing.

himalayan you seem to be coming at this from a very naive angle of believing that all children and young people must somehow be deeply damaged by somebody else^ (subtext usually being it's their mother) in order to be behaving in a shitty, bullying, disrespectful and abusive way to others. Often it is true. But sometimes it just isn't.

Here is a huge list of organisations who will help a mother with mental health problems. Many of them are in London.

The OP certainly doesn't have to cope with this until her child is 18. The child needs to go to a safe place where she can be helped to grow up and become a functional adult. I know there are going to be shouts of "There are no such places" but that is not true.

I agree with you in theory bonsoir, but in practice I don't think it makes a blind bit of difference. Is this girl going to change her patterns of behaviour if her mother stops telling us about it?' I doubt it very much. Is the fact that her mother is dicussing it with us making any of it worse? I doubt that too. The OP telling us is a symptom, not the cause.

And she deserves an outlet. She needs our support.