DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet

[Minifingers]

My 13 year old DD has stalked me across mumsnet - logging on to my settings and searching my history to see what I've written about her. I've tried to cover my tracks by clearing my history and occasionally name changing, but she's seen quite a lot of what I've written. She is furious that I'm talking about her on an internet board and has asked me to stop. I have explained that I've had fantastic advice and support from this board which at times has been sanity-saving for me, and that it's all anonymous. No matter. She doesn't want me to talk about her here, or to phone parent line and discuss our problems there either.

She has support in this from my mother (who is 78, has never used the internet and doesn't understand how boards like this work) and from DH who I suspect feels pretty contemptuous about mn generally. I've not had one family member support me in seeing this board as useful support and advice.

Should add - I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting.

But is it wrong of me to carry on using this board if I know DD is accessing it, and if there's no way I can stop her from seeing my posts?

It's becoming a real issue, and dd has raised it with the psychiatrist she is seeing at CAMHS. She says that they have told her that it's wrong for me to write about my family on mumsnet. I doubt they've actually said this, but he may have acknowledged her feeling her privacy has been violated.

Wonder what you think?

Maryz, hence why I said don't make it identifiable -changing minor details etc. (This is partly why I get concerned when people call Troll - inconsistency is good for preserving anonymity).

Otherwise, point taken. I was a little harsh. But I do remember being a volatile teen and how hard I found it to engage with my parents when I so much as suspected them of discussing me with other people. And my reaction was totally unreasonable because I talked about them to anyone who would listen and frankly acted in ways which made them want to sound out other people. (I doubt I would be considered troubled, but I was very difficult often in quite a passive aggressive way). I can only speak from my own experience, but this is the issue with being that sort of teen - logic and empathy are not overabundant qualities and the shutters come down with a snap of a finger.

How much respect for her privacy does the OP receive if the dd is having CAHMS counselling?

Ime this means that the teen is able to say anything they like to the professionals with whom the parent then has to deal; the parent does not get to sit in so has no idea what is being said, but must still try to get help and cooperate with those professionals.

The dd has every opportunity to talk to someone, and it is not even anonymous; the counsellor knows she is talking about the woman outside in the waiting room.

Not a problem for me, because my dd is very trustworthy and I would feel safe leaving my entire life in her hands. But potentially a massive problem if your child is of a different type.

Even if they have family therapy on top of this- and the OP hasn't said they do- this would only mean that the OP got the chance to talk in front of her dd while the dd had the additional opportunity to talk out of the hearing of her mum. It doesn't mean the OP has the same chance to vent safely away from her dd's control.

As I said, I trust my dd to the hilt, but I still find it incredibly difficult to tell the truth about how her problems have hurt us as a family in therapy sessions. And that is not even because of acrimony, but simply because I love her and can't bear to let her feel that hurt.

The OP has nowhere where she can go. She is unhappy to do so with friends who know the dd, because she doesn't want to advertise her child's problems to the local community who might hold it against her. Parentline is another potentional outlet, but the dd tries to control that too. So she comes to an anonymous forum where chances are noone will go through her posts to identify her- as long as the dd respects that her mum has the same right to a place to vent as she does.

Is this really wrong? What is she supposed to do? Just bottle it up? For how long?

To me, the whole question seems to hinge on whether the dd should accept that her mother has the same right to an outlet as she does.

Because if that is accepted, then the dd trawling through MN to find out what she says about her is tantamount to the OP putting her earhole to the door to find out what is being said about her at a CAHMS meeting.

"There is something really dysfunctional going on here, to do with respect for you. " mathsanxiety

^ this ^

Indeed, Maryz. Reading dancingwithmycat's post about how she felt as a volatile teenager I could understand it very well, but I wasn't convinced these feelings should be allowed to determine what actually happens. One thing CAHMS have actually been really good at with us is to point out to the whole family that we all matter, that we can't always focus on one person.

Dd who has chronic health problems and severe health anxiety really struggled when I was laid low after an operation earlier in the year; she couldn't cope with the idea of a vulnerable mum. I could understand how she was feeling, but what I couldn't do was to give in to her and pretend I didn't need looking after just because it made her anxious. So in that situation I insisted on my right to have my needs met. In retrospect it has been better for all of us.

To be fair I have actually found CAHMS incredibly helpful for our particular case, didn't mean to give the impression I hadn't.

Just wanted to point out that it is one sided approach which is primarily centered on the child: it does not allow for the needs of the parent to state her pov in the same unguarded manner.

I think mindful's advice is good and if you can afford therapy or get it on the NHS probably an excellent idea. I got 6 sessions paid by my employer and that was great- while it lasted. But that is the drawback of therapy. It doesn't last. They will teach you a few techniques or listen to you for a limited time. Mumsnet have been a shoulder for me to cry on for many years and a constant source of practical advice in a constantly shifting situation.

I need Mumsnet because living with dd doesn't just mean one set of circumstances that you deal with through one bout of therapy: it's been 16 years of rollercoaster rides, with new unexpected problems every month. I need somewhere where I can come on at short notice and say "oh shit, now we've got this problem with the school" or "now she's vomiting after every meal" or "now she can't walk" or "how does this bear on the Discrimination Act". Someone who doesn't just deal with the emotional side but with the practicalities of life and with the intersection of emotion and practicality.

Even CAHMS don't last forever (they have tried to discharge dd numerous times) and they can only deal with the problems that have developed up to that time. Occupational therapist was great- but only for a short time.

Concentrating on herself and getting the family somehow putting up a united front with everyone standing up for the idea that 'everyone matters' might in fact be a very good step in the right direction, as Cory described in her own situation.

Giving in and giving in and giving in doesn't give a teen any idea of what reality is for other people, or that other people's needs should be taken into account, and as Maryz said inability to walk in others' shoes seems to be part of what the problem is here -- you can't fix this by constant self effacement and allowing the teen to manipulate people who really should be more sensible.

Mini, here's my opinion fwiw... :)

Don't stop posting. You need the support you can find here. As others have said, MN has seen me through some really bleak and difficult moments over the past couple of years. Even if you do have your own counsellor, s/he will only be available at set times (generally once a week on a weekday), not at the moments you really need support (like weekends, and 3am, when everything seems less manageable).

Don't tell her you're going to stop/lie to her about it. I can think of loads of reasons why not... Honesty is important. Presumably you don't want her lying to you. Your relationships needs more trust, not less. You are effectively being controlled by her if you do. You will be tied into more lies if you do. The fall-out if you are discovered after a bare-faced lie will be huge. Posting here is not wrong; it is reasonable and useful. She needs to accept you have a right to access support too...

However, you need to improve the steps you take to protect her anonymity. Name change again. Add a password to your a/c - there is no way she should be to access your PC or your MN account.

Reduce the number of identifying details you include. For example, don't say how old your mum is, or mention her DB in the same posts, or mention any details that aren't directly relevant to the issue your seeking advice on... Perhaps post about different issues under different nicknames. I agree with triac that you may well be identifiable to people who know you. I read your comments about having no secrets - "There is nothing I have put on MN about my family which is not already known in my community, or which I'd be mortified at someone finding out". That is perfectly healthy, but it is clearly not a feeling your DD shares. Out of respect for her, I think you should be more circumspect. I agree with wannaBe about the public nature of online forum, and as a rule of thumb, I'd say be more careful about what you say and how you identify yourself and your DC here than you would be talking to a stranger at a bus-stop.

Be aware that what she is doing is probably (at least partly) an attempt at 'distraction techniques'. My DS used to do it all the time: he's be in trouble for X, and when I challenged him, rather than deal with that, he'd respond with something along the lines of "Well ANYWAY, I don't need to take responsibility for X because YOU did Y yesterday". You need to be strong and focused, and keep saying things like "We're not talking about my Y now, we're talking about your X. If you want to talk about Y too, we can do that later, when we've sorted X".

I strongly agree with what Maryz and other say about shifting your attention onto yourself. You have probably spent so much time thinking about your DD that you have forgotten to look out for your own needs. And I always think: if I have forgotten that I am worth looking after and respecting, then no wonder my DC have forgotten too. You need to be clear with yourself as well as your DD and others that you have a right to respect, safety and support. :)

I wonder if this DD has picked up a general lack of support or respect for you that exists already within the family circle and run with it. Just musing here so don't mind me..

Sometimes a child can pick up a general attitude within a family or get caught up in an already existing dynamic and because of misjudgement of what is appropriate behaviour or her own need to control and feel secure (or even distract from the dynamic) can just put a match to what is already quite a bonfire in the making.

It seems to me that you have all been dealing with the problems this DD has brought into your lives and yet the other adults seem so ready to make fools of themselves and allow her to wrap them around her little finger here -- what else is going on...

I agree with much of what Flow says here but I think the adults need to all get on to the same page and back you up and I think that would have a positive effect.

Don't be fooled that CAMHS only deal with mental health issues. We deal with lots of kids with behavioural issues.

Do not let her bully you or control you. You need help and support and she has no right to dictate where you get it from.

"I think the adults need to all get on to the same page and back you up and I think that would have a positive effect"
... Yes, I'm sure it would have a positive effect - but mini can't control how anyone else behaves, and can't wait for the other adults to grow up and get their acts together change their habits and reactions.
Focus on yourself mini - do some things that make you happy and give you back some of your self-confidence. It's all bl**dy hard work (by the sound of it) and you deserve a bit of pleasure, respect, rest and support.

Your dd is right, and so is her psychiatrist. By all means post about yourself on a public forum, but not about her without her consent. I'm quite sure her psychiatrist did say that it was wrong to do the latter.

Your dd is not right, neither is her psychiatrist. You have every right to an outlet. You should do your best to maintain anonymity, name change and change personal details. But continue to get support where you can.

The best thing to do would be to contact the psychiatrist and seek their advice re your use of MN.

You could print out your threads and send them to the psychiatrist if you wanted to make the situation clear.

Honestly, OP, do an Advanced Search on your current username and see how incredibly identifiable your dd is from your posts.

Her dd's psychiatrist would be a great start.

himalayan, do you really believe that the child's psychiatrist will make time to talk to the mother away from the child on a regular basis? have you any experience of how CAHMS works?

and if the OPs life is overshadowed by trying to cope with the daughter, how can she post on here about her problems without mentioning the daughter?

what is she supposed to post? "I need your help and advice, but I can't tell you what it's about?"

I think flow's post was very sensible and that is what I would do. I would not tell outright lies; as flow points out, trust issues are incredibly important when a relationship is struggling.

Instead I would look her in the eye and say: "You have someone to talk to at CAHMS and I need that too. My needs are as important as yours. I understand what you are saying about the anonymity, and I will thinkg again about protecting that, by changing my username and giving fewer details. But if I do that, you need to promise not to try to stalk me online. If you carry on doing that, it will be as if I tried to earwig your conversations with the therapist and you would know that was unfair".