Pregnant as a surrogate and the intended parents have changed their minds

[ConfusedandscaredHELP]

Hi everyone,

So I've never posted on here before, its not my thing...
But basically..
I agreed to be a surrogate for a friend who is in a same sex relationship...
It was a spur of the moment thing, yes I know thst sounds stupid as I've created a life, but I saw how much they longed for a child ...

Anyway the short version, I'm now pregnant ( quite far 😭 and they've decided they aren't ready for a child now!!

Well, neither am I!! 😭😭😭
Im petrified of giving birth, and then being stuck with a baby I dont want or dont feel any bond for as I drummed it into my head its not my baby.

Is it possible to find a couple now to take the baby or too late???

My family dont even know as I dont live too close and we are always in touch but via phones etc ... please help!
I really cant and dont want this baby, im sorry for people desperate for their own child as I feel horrible and selfish!!
I don't want to go down the social services adoption route as the poor baby is going to think it wasn't wanted and just taken when that wasn't the case. It wss planned and was a special helping beautiful gift for a couple that obviously couldn't have their own child

Any ideas???
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Kc
😖😖😖😖😖😖😖
Thanks for reading
Sorry if I offend anyone. I know how special and precious it is to be able to be pregnant, im Sorry

People are bored aren't they.

This stinks

Through the correct legal channels yes but the couples go through rigorous checks etc

I feel this is not a true story (hopefully) anyone with half a brain cell would have a contract in place - I smell BS - happy to apologise IF the op comes back

I’m truly shocked at the appalling behaviour of your friends. Have they offered you any support as you consider the options? It is a difficult thing to say, but is termination still an option? Late stage this would be traumatic for you however. Failing that there must be many couples desperate for a child so the question is how to locate them.

The first thing you should do is send a text to remind the fathers (assume you've done this for a gay couple) that as the biological father one of them is legally responsible to financially provide for this child for the next 18 years whether or not they want to be involved in raising it and they will hear from CMS in due course. THEN SEND NO MORE MESSAGES. Let them sweat.

Secondly (and actually far more importantly for you and baby) speak to your midwife and tell her what you have written here. It is her job to help you go through your options and put you in contact with the appropriate agencies depending what you decide to do.

Thirdly, you said your family don't know about the pregnancy. It depends how supportive they are generally but most parents, even if they think you've made a mistake getting pregnant like this, will want to support you through this situation as much as they can. I'd be heartbroken for my daughter if this happened to her but I'd want to be with her while she decided the best course of action. Whether or not you decide to put the baby up for adoption you're going to need support from either family or friends around the time of the birth.

I hope you come to terms with what has happened and get a new plan in place asap. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and whatever you decide to do next x

@Haleyscomets what use is a contract in these circumstances? They are not legally enforceable in England. Either party can change their mind, and in the middle the poor child suffers.

What on earth!? I’m glad they have shown their true colours now while there is still time for you to find adoptive parents for the baby. Imagine if you had given them the baby and what an awful life they would have had with people who didn’t want them.

Definitely wouldn’t be continuing the friendship! But keep in touch so you can warn anyone if they try this again!

@FruAashild many single mums will tell you that CMS threat isn't that big a threat as many dads get out of paying.

You can't put a contract in place for informal surrogacy like this - if the woman gets pregnant directly using her own eggs there is no contract possible to commit anyone to raising the child whether it's the father or anyone else.

@RoseField1 even through an agency there is no enforceable contract

Is it your baby though? You can't just hand a baby to a random couple and carry on like it is theirs, you will have to put it up for adoption when it is born and do it through the correct channels. You can't put it on fb marketplace.

This is why people shouldn't be allowed to buy a baby, was a silly risk to take really getting pregnant for someone else. Poor child created from this mess.

That Barry Drewitt bloke who acquired several children with his husband has been recently arrested for child sex offences.......

But there's nothing she can legally do about it. She can't stop him (assuming the friend is male and the baby is from his sperm) walking away.

Her situation is no different to any other woman who got pregnant and then the dad doesn't want to know. He can't be legally forced to raise the child, only pay her child support. She cannot legally abandon the child.

Biology shits on women, unfortunately.

And surrogacy shits on the child

The first thing you should do is send a text to remind the fathers (assume you've done this for a gay couple) that as the biological father one of them is legally responsible to financially provide for this child for the next 18 years whether or not they want to be involved in raising it and they will hear from CMS in due course. THEN SEND NO MORE MESSAGES. Let them sweat.

Absolutely do this!!

This is utterly shocking. I hope you never have to set eyes on this reckless couple again. You should sue them with the help of a no win no fee lawyer.

Sue them for what?? You can't sue a man for not wanting to care for his child, unfortunately

@roseswithoutthorns you can’t sue them as no such thing as enforceable surrogacy contract

For some reason this does read like someone practicing a wind-up.

I'm not ignorant about it in the slightest.

There is a lot of empirical literature about how traumatising it is for babies to be permanently removed from their mothers at birth. It literally changes their brain structure. They never get over it and those chickens often come home to roost in adolescence and adulthood in the form of anxiety disorders and addictions.

Sometimes babies are bereaved of their mothers under tragic circumstances when the mother dies, or feels she has no choice but to give up the baby for adoption. But to get pregnant with the intention from the outset to deliberately deprive the baby of its mother is unconscionable.

I don't care how much the adults 'want' a baby, or if they think they're doing a kind thing. Ripping a baby from the womb and giving it to someone who as far as the baby is concerned is a complete stranger is utterly cruel.

Adoptive parents are vetted and much more committed to being parents imo, please give your baby to adoptive parents

She's been pretty reckless herself

There are a number of adoption agencies who should be able to help. People wanting to adopt will give this baby a fabulous life.

I read it as the friends being a male couple and an informal arrangement (rather than 'official' surrogacy), so no need for donor sperm or IUI or any other regulations.