Partner has admitted to gambling 70k worth of debt

[Windiepanda2018]

Partner of 13 years (we are not married) however have 2 children a house (which is in his name only) and a baby on the way I’m 24 week’s pregnant. Before people start telling me that I’m financially leaving myself open I know but I guess in this instance it’s been a bit of a blessing.

DP has broken down tonight and basically confessed to gambling a lot of money, all the savings, racked up roughly 70k worth of debt. We were due to remortgage in the next few months I was looking to go on the mortgage obviously for financial security and we were going to take a bit of cash out to do some jobs on the house as we have a bit of equity in the property.

He’s admitted he’s maxed out credit cards and taken an unsecured loan out.

I don’t even know what to do or say I obviously cannot confide in anyone and I just don’t know what to do.

I won’t be leaving him but the trust has been broken.

Has anyone been through this?? What did you do? obviously his gambling will impact the remortgage, do we put all of his credit in a debt management plan? I don’t even know what to say or do I’m in shock our future is potentially ruined I’m heartbroken

OP, you mentioned a couple of times that you feel you “can’t” tell anyone in real life. I think you really should. You need the support of trusted friends or family, especially if this gets worse. I can understand that telling someone makes it seem more real, or is a betrayal of him because it makes the other people see him differently. But I really don’t think you should be going through this alone, or with only the support of strangers on the internet.

Nope not at all that’s why it was such a shock it was never mentioned I think in his head he was trying to put it right but obviously got out of control xx

Yeah but as he’s not missed any payments as of yet and there’s a good chunk of equity in the house the FA has said won’t be an issue

He is not going to sign the IVA until after he has remortgaged so he can secure that first 5 year fixed rate.

OP what will happen when he comes to renew the mortgage again in another 5 years because the IVA will show on his credit checks then.

Well then worst case we would have to go on a variable but as I’ve said as there are currently no missed payments and a decent chunk of equity in the property it shouldn’t be an issue

No because my spending comes out of my own bank account his debt is from a mixture of trying to maintain his share of the bills and gambling

They did advise us yesterday that it shouldn’t be an issue as the mortgage will be lesser then and the payments will have been maintained whether that is correct I guess the 5 years would tell, however the advice was from a FCA regulated company.

Hello, I have confided in two very close friends however it is difficult they obviously haven’t ever been in this situation so unable to advise but at least they can be there for me. X

I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation.
I haven’t read the whole thread so at risk of repeating but I wanted to add my experience.
A little over a year ago I was your partner. I’d run up around the same amount of debt online gambling. Prior to this I thought gambling was a fools game but I got sucked in to it doing matched betting (ironically to make a bit of extra cash to pay off debt).
I was getting deeper and deeper in to trouble to the point where it had taken over my life. I could see no way out other than not to be alive anymore.
I came clean to my husband who was way more supportive than I thought I deserved. I truly was ruining both our lives.
March 2025 was when I made my last bet and it was the same day I confessed.
But, from experience I will tell you this:
Gamblers are amazing liars. He needs to give you full control of the finances and access to his credit report.
Gamstop and Gamban are a must, willpower alone is not enough.
Put gambling restrictions on the router settings and also block gambling transactions on bank accounts.
Despite how miserable it was making me, I still miss it now. If I didn’t have all these blockers in place I would not have been free for so long.
Regarding the debts, don’t rush in to any payments plans etc, but add everything up and see if you can afford to just chip away at them. If yes, then he really needs go for it with paying off. I have had some success with affordability complaints so that might be worth looking in to.
I think you’re amazing to be giving him a second chance on this, but don’t trust him one bit for a very long time.
Wishing you all the luck in the world x

I'm glad you've been able to get some answers at least. I suppose you now have to assess the situation and decide what to do.

The next thing I'd be doing is getting him to explain why he did it - it's a difficult one I know but you deserve 100% truth not airy fairy excuses. If you don't get to the bottom of it you'll never feel like you can trust him with anything. It's a lot of money and having to 'babysit' an adult will take it's toll on you. The initial shock will fade but after that the cogs will start turning and the questions will torment you.

You don't deserve this x

When the anger hits @Windiepanda2018 , brace yourself. You will recall all the times he has lied to you over the last year. But the anger will mainly stem from seeing how he has f*ed up so much for your children.

I wouldn’t be surprised if as the days pass…. More debt is uncovered and, more concerningly, more sketchy behaviour

It’s not been a great week to be honest feeling a mixture of things, pregnancy doesn’t help though.

we’ve decided not to go down the Iva route at the moment it’s not something we want to impact for 6/7 years!

he can earn enough currently to make sure everything’s paid just doesn’t leave him much disposable income but cry me a river for that it’s his own fault, so he’s going to take on a bit of weekend work try keeping everything paid and then potentially see if we can remortgage in 3/6 months.

in the meantime I’m looking after every penny he has (his suggestion) wages going to me and I distribute. Still in contact with charities etc as well so he can go speak to someone

Has he worked out how many years it will take to clear the debt?

Hi, yes I have name changed but have been around a while.
I'm also a gambling addict

Now late 40's I actively gambled for over 20 years, I have chosen to not gamble for the last 9 years.

I'm so sorry you are facing this.

Trust nothing he says, absolutely nothing at all. It is all just words, the only thing you can trust is fact

Sign up to credit reports and alerts

Have no financial ties

Don't trust a printed bank statement, you need to see the actual account online

He answers any question you ever ask relating to money, you know all his passwords and log in details, doesn't mean you have to look at everything, just means you can

Do not bail him out, don't make the phone calls, write the emails, he does it all

I remain very grateful to my sister, despite being in a position to help financially, told me she couldn't help.

She bought me a tent, in case my wife told me to leave the house and a pay as you go phone with £10 credit, said she would top it up £10 a month if I kept in contact with our mum.

She sat with me whilst I phoned creditors and discussed options

She didn't openly judge me, when I tried to tell some of my stories, she stopped me, I was used to manipulating the truth, she realised that and refused to be drawn into my world

The honest truth is that I wanted to stop, I didn't know how but I was tired of living and very tired of the double life

It was my fourth or fifth relapse/breakdown and the first time no one bailed me out

9 years on, I still make a choice everyday to not gamble

Somehow I am still married,

I don't think I would have stayed married the other way round, life as an addicted gambler is hard and horrible but it's not a patch on what it must be to be the partner of one.

I'd recommend Gamcare for support

Sorry if you don't want to hear from a gambler though, equally I'd do be best to answer any questions you might have

Thank you for this message ! Appreciate you responding.

can I ask a few questions if you don’t mind?
have you always gambled ? Or did something set it off ?

he is being very very transparent about everything and I can tell that he has a massive amount of regret and I guess time will tell.

the thing is this is completely out of the blue, we had a chat the other night and he said he used to gamble when he was like 20 like his wages but never got into debt etc and he ended up telling his mum and then he stopped. Obvs he bought a house for us we saved money together etc

as I said in my post he has always been (well for the last 10 years before this last 2 years) very good with money, savings etc I have always seen had witness to saving accounts like he has always been a bit worried about over spending etc and very cautious so this is what has completely thrown me as it’s completely out of character but then I suppose these things can happen like that.

he’s still in touch with the support groups etc and I won’t be paying any of it back.

it is really like the money was never real to him (but obviously it was) we went through it all again the other night and he was also being sick at the sight of it all. he was just saying like it just spiralled and he never felt he could tell me as he was so ashamed so just thought he could gamble his way to put it right ! But obviously almost lost everything.

did you go or do you go to counselling ?

Is he self employed? If so, what state is his business in, taxes paid, etc?

Yeah he’s self employed his tax is PAYE so comes out of his wage directly every week as