Partner has admitted to gambling 70k worth of debt

[Windiepanda2018]

Partner of 13 years (we are not married) however have 2 children a house (which is in his name only) and a baby on the way I’m 24 week’s pregnant. Before people start telling me that I’m financially leaving myself open I know but I guess in this instance it’s been a bit of a blessing.

DP has broken down tonight and basically confessed to gambling a lot of money, all the savings, racked up roughly 70k worth of debt. We were due to remortgage in the next few months I was looking to go on the mortgage obviously for financial security and we were going to take a bit of cash out to do some jobs on the house as we have a bit of equity in the property.

He’s admitted he’s maxed out credit cards and taken an unsecured loan out.

I don’t even know what to do or say I obviously cannot confide in anyone and I just don’t know what to do.

I won’t be leaving him but the trust has been broken.

Has anyone been through this?? What did you do? obviously his gambling will impact the remortgage, do we put all of his credit in a debt management plan? I don’t even know what to say or do I’m in shock our future is potentially ruined I’m heartbroken

What false information? That they’re going to lose their home? And that she needs to get herself set?

This will only end one way.

Again
the debt is £70k and growing
the op est equity at £50/60k
they have zero savings

how is this “enough” to cover the debt? @Backedoffhackedoff

People can stop gambling if they want to. They just really, really have to want to.

My friend explained it to me like this. He said that most people think they gamble to win. And that is the biggest mistake they make. Because they don't gamble to win, they gamble for the emotional hit. So if you win big you are euphoric, right?

But if you lose big you are devastated and that is a bigger emotional hit than any win. So, in effect, he said that you are chasing the biggest emotional hit, you are chasing that huge loss.

If you can get your head around that, you understand why people never walk away when they win, they keep going until they lose.

He learned this from a gamblers anonymous group. Once he understood that concept he stopped because he realised the alternative was to lose everything and there was nothing he could do to prevent that other than just walk away.

He said the group was a big help, a big emotional support, taught him a lot and was the best thing he ever did.

Something like that would probably be your DH's only hope OP. He can't do this on his own. You can help budget, monitor spending and financial planning but you can't help with his addiction. He has to do that for himself. He has to really want it.

Maybe he hasn't finished chasing that big loss yet. My friend lost his wife, children and his house. That was his rock bottom, your DH might not be there yet.

It's a horrible addiction, but then, aren't they all. They take over. They take everything.

In the last year - what has his spending on the family been like? Have you, for example, wanted to book a holiday or make home improvements or buy a new car and he’s repeatedly said “no”?

I have recently done this.

They do a credit check

A man without even £5 to spend on a pint for years on end will soon be back to gambling with whatever he can scrounge up. It’s unrealistic for him to have 0 money to do anything except pay bills with for what will likely be the best part of a decade paying it all off.

Ideally he wouldn’t have any DI, but this isn’t realistic.

I wouldn’t be walking away after one mistake

The problem is, it wasn't one mistake, it was lots and lots of mistakes over a sustained period of a year. It's about 5k a month that he repeatedly and secretly spent.

Don't minimise it as that really won't help him. This needs to smack him in the face.

-That they can’t get a mortgage

-that they’ll lose their home when they have no arrears and income to continue paying monthly

it’s all incorrect

For the second time, It doesn’t have to be enough. He could pay off £40/50k and repay the rest monthly, he has the income to do so.

hes not bankrupt- bakrupt is when your liabilities exceed your assets.

patently untrue in this case

going bankrupt is extremely serious. It’s insane to recommend it under these circumstances. Anyone who thinks you can or should go bankrupt when you have income to cover your monthly debt payments is bonkers

worse, it’s not even the meat of the problem. It’s a distraction that shouldn’t happen and does zero to solve the problem OP has

Agreed

but you are stating utterly incorrect statements

the liabilities DO exceed the assets (and that’s not even considering the £80k mortgage liability!)

ok fair enough

He will get a mortgage. He has over 60% LTV and wages high enough to easily meet repayments.

The problems he might encounter are that they won't allow another fixed rate due to unsecured debt, in which case he would just go onto variable rate which isn't great but that might be the only option for a while.

The other problem is that they might not let him release equity (borrow more) because that would reduce his LTV and they may prefer to keep the loan on the property as low as possible.

So he can either remortgage to release equity and put that towards paying off a chunk of debt (probably best option) or, if they won't allow it, remortgage and throw as much cash at the debt as possible.

If he releases equity but can only secure a variable rate then the monthly mortgage repayments could potentially double. And losing the 0% interest will be a big hit as well.

Things will get worse before they get better.

Truly dreadful. You need financial advice and there are gambling charities that will be able to help you. Google and they will be there. Speak to them.

I wish you all the best.

He’s making some calls tonight he’s just rang to say he’s got an appointment at 4 to speak to someone and then I’ve contacted a financial advisor so we can make a proper plan.

might be worth paying off the loans and then leaving the 0% credit cards for the time being anyway getting ahead of myself here one day at a time

I had a colleague in a similar situation. Now having to still work, because their plan to retire was scuppered by bailing out their partner (gambling debt, faithful promises to never gamble again etc... etc...). Lo and behold, a few years later, it happened AGAIN. And it was an even bigger amount. It seems its really common thing for gamblers to not only ruin their own lives, but ruin the hopes and (retirement) dreams of those nearest and dearest to them. Awful situation, and agree with many on here saying it needs much tighter regulation and I'd ban all the advertising, especially at sports games totally. It employs relatively few people (I mention that, because that's what the companies always claim apparently), I'd love to see the ratio of employees to lives negatively impacted or ruined by gambling. I'm guessing the economic argument just wouldn't stack up. Anecdotally, I know of nobody who works in the gambling field, but of 3 families who have been almost ruined by a family members addiction to it.

I had a colleague in a similar situation. Now having to still work, because their plan to retire was scuppered by bailing out their partner (gambling debt, faithful promises to never gamble again etc... etc...). Lo and behold, a few years later, it happened AGAIN. And it was an even bigger amount. It seems its really common thing for gamblers to not only ruin their own lives, but ruin the hopes and (retirement) dreams of those nearest and dearest to them. Awful situation, and agree with many on here saying it needs much tighter regulation and I'd ban all the advertising, especially at sports games totally. It employs relatively few people (I mention that, because that's what the companies always claim apparently), I'd love to see the ratio of employees to lives negatively impacted or ruined by gambling. I'm guessing the economic argument just wouldn't stack up. Anecdotally, I know of nobody who works in the gambling field, but of 3 families who have been almost ruined by a family members addiction to it.

What do you mean? I don’t understand. Everyone knows the story, as it’s a fairly common story. Many people who get into gambling debt get bailed out, many times.

I also don’t understand what you are all talking about reapplying for the mortgage doesn’t it just roll on to a variable rate or choose a current fixed rate when the date comes around? They hardly have to reapply for an entire new mortgage all over again?

You two are beyond help.

A financial advisor won’t do anything in this situation. Their job is to build wealth, not help someone out of debt. You’ve been told what to do, but you won’t do it.

I mean your not very helpful I don’t know why you keep responding when you have nothing helpful to say!

a financial advisor can look and suggest what our best options are in terms of the mortgage and whether we stand a chance of taking any money out the property or just to refix for now !

What do you mean told what to do but won’t do it !