Partner has admitted to gambling 70k worth of debt

[Windiepanda2018]

Partner of 13 years (we are not married) however have 2 children a house (which is in his name only) and a baby on the way I’m 24 week’s pregnant. Before people start telling me that I’m financially leaving myself open I know but I guess in this instance it’s been a bit of a blessing.

DP has broken down tonight and basically confessed to gambling a lot of money, all the savings, racked up roughly 70k worth of debt. We were due to remortgage in the next few months I was looking to go on the mortgage obviously for financial security and we were going to take a bit of cash out to do some jobs on the house as we have a bit of equity in the property.

He’s admitted he’s maxed out credit cards and taken an unsecured loan out.

I don’t even know what to do or say I obviously cannot confide in anyone and I just don’t know what to do.

I won’t be leaving him but the trust has been broken.

Has anyone been through this?? What did you do? obviously his gambling will impact the remortgage, do we put all of his credit in a debt management plan? I don’t even know what to say or do I’m in shock our future is potentially ruined I’m heartbroken

I have been there. Not gambling but other reasons. I will tell you this honestly, don’t brush this under the carpet. It’s huge.

Dont fix it. Please don’t fix this and sort it all out for him or he will do it again, only worse. He has to face up to it now and fix it himself or you will spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. This is sure a huge shock for you. I know you want to continue in the relationship so if you do, he will have to do the hard work now and put it right.

If you are a ‘fixer’ this is going to be very uncomfortable for you, especially as you are pregnant. My heart goes out to you. It’s awful.

If you have Employee assistance program at work, call them, you might be able to get financial advice, and also counselling. This is free and confidential.

My point is @Windiepanda2018 i suspect that this is just the beginning of a lot of awful financial revelations.

I would get out and sever any and all financial links before HMRC start sniffing around. No way has he been declaring all his self employed income AND racking up loads of debts. Plus for him to have acquired 110-120% of his income in CC debts - something seriously sketchy has been going on

I was hoping to wake up and it was all a dream!

yes that’s a good point about work etc I will have a look!

I am naturally a fixer so already I’m in overdrive as to trying to fix it but your right it’s not down to me to fix right now.

I just want to hurt him I could strangle him haha

Yes been there. You can ask him if you can look at his credit rating. To see the full extent of it. Do that.

If he has ever missed any payments on anything, it takes years for that to go off your file. I'd be extremely surprised if you could remortgage. It's been 6 years for us and remortgage is still extremely hard as a lot of lenders won't touch you until your 5 years plus post DMP which is how dh paid his off.

It's extremely hard. I'd never trust him again. I'd be insane too quite honestly. He goes to gamblers anon which I think was a reality slap in the face.

OP you need to end this relationship.

You are not married, you are not on the house deeds so at least you are not tied up to him financially.

Don't let a totally irresponsible and selfish man control your life and that of your kids.

I know it is not easy but it is better then tying yourself for life to a man that will only bring you misery and instability.

OP, I’ve only read your posts

You need to work full time. It’s non negotiable.

He needs to sign up to gam stop and block ALL gambling from his accounts. He needs to agree to full financial transparency - you have full control over the accounts. Every single spare penny he gets after essentials goes to paying off debt. If he can’t do that, you need to move out and let him declare bankruptcy.

Also - it’s not that surprising that he got that level of credit. Working part time, bringing in £19k a year I got £16k worth of credit.

I can’t go full time I due to have a baby in September I can’t just increase my hours I’d have to look for another job

Then you need to do that and consider cutting maternity short. It sucks but if all else fails you need to move back in with family. This is a ticking time bomb.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation but the good news is that it’s his debt not joint debt

I think it’s going to be extremely difficult to salvage this relationship but not impossible if he’s 100% committed to sorting it out. Any hint of him relapsing and you should leave and he should know that

going Forward you need to make sure that you have your own savings. He can sort out his mess. With your help sure but it’s his mess not a joint one

it probably is salvageable but it’s going to be quite a slog

Gambling is a terrible addiction, I have seen it ruin lives, but I’ve also seen people recover and prosper
it really is incredibly addictive and hard to break the cycle
I know everyone will be telling you he is selfish, irresponsible…. But it sounds like you love him and want to stay
you have a lot on your plate, you sound very brave and strong
good luck

Your right I do love him and I’m not prepared to walk away and break up our family for a mistake albeit it a very very big one.

it’s going to take a lot of work

For goodness sake - leave whilst you are not entangled in his finances with a mortgage etc. Do you seriously want to live like this for the rest of your life never trusting your partner and having to look over your shoulder with three children. His first priority is gambling, not you or your children.

More fool you.

Can only speak from personal experience but loving a person is sometimes just not enough. I would leave, even a temporary separation, and see if he is truly willing to do what it takes to enter and stay in recovery.

All the phone blocking software, and the self exclusion from the bookies, and the joint account monitored, and attendance at GA, etc etc, will do nothing, NOTHING, to stop someone betting if they are not genuine about wanting to stop for themselves. A gambling addict will never stop for someone else, be it a partner or their kids.

I would remove yourself from the situation for your own sanity and protection. It took me longer than it should have to walk away, and it almost destroyed me before I was able to.

If he wants to fix this, a temporary separation gives space and time for him to address wverything and prove he has turned things around. And if he doesn’t, then you won’t be dragged down with him.

Harsh but true.

I don’t think I could ever get over this. Why? Because this will drastically impact the lives of my children for many years and curtail so many opportunities for them

whereas if you leave and start afresh… things will be much better for them.

I think people need to pause and think more reasonably.

hes not bankrupt- bakrupt is when your liabilities exceed your assets. He can pay off the debts with equity from the house, he would of course be expected to do this before bankruptcy is an option.

I think OP is likely to launch into exactly what you suggest- managing him, attempting to control him. This is the start of a detrimental parent child relationship which may help them get through this crisis but will exhaust OP.

in my experience OP your issue won’t be this. This is fixable.

But he’s an excessive risk taker and puts his family at risk.

you may well get through this ok.

in 5,10 years time they’ll be another risk that goes too far.

I’m not going to tell you to leave. You’re pregnant, have little independent income and no access to independent housing.

but I think you need a plan B. Do not let this be the time you take on a 4th child. Your actual children are more important than him. He will exhaust your energy and strength, energy and strength that should go on them.

£50/60k equity in the property would
NOT pay off the debt

It’s £70k

he is working and can afford a level of repayments

it Is very manageable via a house sale if needed and that’s what creditors will expect

Less fees etc

nope not possible

and owners always overestimate equity so £50/60k likely to be punchy

Have a look at the MSE site. Also contact citizens advice as well as one of the gambling charities - you need to do the right thing re: what to do with the debt.

I think there is the potential to complain / get debt written off if it has been lent carelessly by the lender (can't remember what it is called) - you need appropriate advice for your situation

This is good advice… for the person who has run up the debt!!
The worst thing OP can do right now is try to fix this mess. HE needs to fix it, manage the debt, and take steps to ensure he never gambles again. Until then, the best thing OP can do for herself and her kids is remove them from the situation.
I have lived this. If she assumes any responsibility for dealing with this, she is signing up to constantly monitoring someone else’s actions and behaviours. There’s no trust. The dynamic of the relationship is irrevocably damaged. It is a shit show.

It doesn’t matter- the house doesn’t need to cover every penny. He’s not at this point a bankrupt and the bankrupcy would be very, very damaging

It’s not reasonable for her to expect her part time maternity pay to sustain the entire family

I don’t really understand this answer? Who thinks it’s reasonable?