Partner has admitted to gambling 70k worth of debt

[Windiepanda2018]

Partner of 13 years (we are not married) however have 2 children a house (which is in his name only) and a baby on the way I’m 24 week’s pregnant. Before people start telling me that I’m financially leaving myself open I know but I guess in this instance it’s been a bit of a blessing.

DP has broken down tonight and basically confessed to gambling a lot of money, all the savings, racked up roughly 70k worth of debt. We were due to remortgage in the next few months I was looking to go on the mortgage obviously for financial security and we were going to take a bit of cash out to do some jobs on the house as we have a bit of equity in the property.

He’s admitted he’s maxed out credit cards and taken an unsecured loan out.

I don’t even know what to do or say I obviously cannot confide in anyone and I just don’t know what to do.

I won’t be leaving him but the trust has been broken.

Has anyone been through this?? What did you do? obviously his gambling will impact the remortgage, do we put all of his credit in a debt management plan? I don’t even know what to say or do I’m in shock our future is potentially ruined I’m heartbroken

You need to get professional support. Gam Fam or another specialist charity who can advise on all the best measures to take. There's been some good advice on this thread but you need to ensure it is the best course of action for your circumstances. Sounds very difficult OP

No way is he declaring all his self employed earnings to HMRC. He has managed to get £70k in debt last you. He will be declaring a fraction to HMRC.

i suspect £70k is tip of iceberg

have you seen ALL documentation related to all these cc accounts?

You need to really sit down and have a think about what you actually have. You are not a we. You are a you plus 3 kids. You have 3 kids and 2k to your name. You have a job which is good.

He has a house. He has a mortgage. He has a shit load of dept. He has a gambling addiction. He will most likely lose everything.

I get you dont want to leave but you can't trust him. His dept will impact you and your kids. Why should they or you go without so he can gamble? He will be dragging you down for years to come. I'm sorry he's been feeling suicidal. What had done to address his mental health? Has ge been to his GP? Is he genuinely unwell or is he manipulating you? Its hard to dump someone who is suicidal.

@Windiepanda2018 unfortunately, love isnt enough. You need trust and mutual respect,

Seen it all tonight - and he has always declared his earning as the pay slips go straight to the accountant from the sub contractor.
this is another part of it I can’t believe he’s been able to get all this credit

@Windiepanda2018 id check your credit report as well. I wouldnt trust that he hasnt opened credit in your name.

Have you seen all the focus for each CC outlining the debt and payment terms?

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been doing cash in hand work and then spanking it on gambling too

Don’t go on the mortgage unless you’re on the deeds, otherwise you’re just liable for debt with no assets behind it.

Cant add more to some of the excellent advice already given about the gambling but I would have a good look at why you’ve let yourself be in such a precarious financial position and bring three children in to the work. Naivety? Ignorance? Wild optimism?

You can turn it around for yourself so I’m not trying to kick you while you’re down, but honestly there’s a much advice and information available there’s really no excuse.

Are you going to give any advice of just keep bashing and asking questions? I would know if he was doing cash in hand as it would mean not working on site and working weekends

nothing on mind I have an app and check it weekly / monthly

Don't set up a shared account that it is possible to get a overdraft on. You will be jointly liable.

It’s perfectly possible to get £70k debt on a £50k salary. I have a family member who is in basically the same situation, without personal loans

OP said he had 2 personal loans and credit cards. It’s not hard, particularly over a long period of time and with crap credit companies

Call the GamCare helpline. They'll give you emotional support as the partner and they can also refer him to support, put you in touch with other services and debt advice etc.

That is a lie. If you permanently self exclude you cannot ever re-open an account with that company again.

Either he only did short term "cooling off" block on his account which eventually lapse. Or he opened new accounts with other companies.

He went with some shitty gambling companies I asked tonight some not even heard of!

This happened to my friend. She asked her dp to start paying wage into a joint account and she was given access to all his accounts to check regularly. He was also to get a 2nd job to start paying down some debt as my friend didnt want their normal family money having to go all towards the debt rather than their lives with their kids. They tried for maybe 6 months but the dp occasionally was caught betting, he started to get annoyed with the access etc. All the Trust was gone was the bottom line. It was a few years ago now and they have a great coparenting relationship and get on well but she will never take him back. Sorry you are going through this. My husband always said after this all came out that if someone cheats or does a crime etc they might have a period of making up to do etc but ultimately the deed is over and done with, with gambling, you still have all the debt to pay off and you see the impact of that, big or small, on the children every day.

If nothing is secured on the house could he transfer it entirely to you and you take out the remortgage? Not to pay off his debt, just to secure your house from him gambling it away, so the family have a roof over their heads
I suspect that loan is secured against the house though. How much is it for?

Don’t open a joint account- then you’ll be financially linked & if his credit rating goes down hill it’ll impact yours too. As for the remortgage, speak to a broker, but I think he’d be best taking a product switch from his current mortgage provider, that way they won’t do any checks, or do underwriting again as they would if applying with a new lender. So just move off one product to another with the same lender. It might not be the best rate but at least you won’t go onto a high variable rate. Try fix for as long as possible. Then go to step change and look at DMP. He should get all his wages paid into your account and you transfer him what’s left after the bills are all paid, you could speak to a broker and see if you could remortgage to pay off the debts but it’s unlikely a lender will let you and then what’s to stop him doing it all again. Get all the blocks out on all devices as suggested by others on here. Whatever you do, don’t get married, don’t get on the mortgage, don’t get financially linked to him. You didn’t have financial security before and you have less now, if you need to cut your losses it’ll be easier if you’re not financially entangled.

I don’t even think you can get a debt management plan for that level of debt can you? I think this would be the most sensible option. Going to do a bit more research tomorrow when I’ve digested it a bit more.

Are you certain that all that debt is on unsecured loans (CC debt) and not on the house?

Have you got pensions?

the Rebel Finance School starts a new free online course soon. (Facebook!) It’s excellent at teaching money management, and whilst not specifically debt, lots of proposers from they position and build towards a strong financial position.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation it's like the bottom has fallen out of your practical world and emotionally you've been robbed by the person who claims to love you - I don't know why people do these things, accidents happen and we learn from them but it's the wilful deceit and the consequences for the family that causes the damage.

The only way people learn from this is to make them face it, he caused it, let him sort it out. We tend to jump into rescue mode automatically but that's not the answer.

Did he want a 3rd child or did he just go along with the idea - people often do that but the truth tends to come out eventually via behaviours. I know all this because I've been there with a young child.

The financial responsibility in your lives is basically all on him while you're not working so maybe he's taken to gambling as an escape/coping mechanism to counter-balance what he can't cope with. There's always a reason for gambling, it's whether he can be 100% honest and you can trust him - it won't be easy.

I left my DH because he was a drinker & that came first.

How much money have you paid into the house that you don’t own and have absolutely no protection from marriage to get your money back, and now your equity will be used to pay off his gambling? How much do you pay towards the house? And why on earth would you do that when you’re not married.

You are not a “we” because you have no assets and no protections. You are a single with 3 kids, and £2k in the bank. Which says you’ve been paying into his house because you’ve not go much savings so your money has gone somewhere. He has a house with £60k equity, you don’t.

@Windiepanda2018

How stressful for you both but you do have options, even with a 70k debt, @boredwfh's post is very useful.

You must be proactive, there are several organisations which deal with debt management, you could also consider an IVA but...that will impose very strict conditions and will have a restrictive financial impact over ~ 6 years or so.

As pp's have mentioned I would advise against you tying yourself, financially, in any way shape or form, until he gets out from under.

Good luck @Windiepanda2018

This. Unfortunately your priority now is to protect your dcs and yourself, and ensure they & you have a roof over your heads.

Get him an appointment with one of the debt management charities - StepChange etc - and agree a plan. Get him to commit to it but monitor his finances continually, insist on a regular credit check. If he stops co-operating, you must separate or he will drag you down too.