Partner has admitted to gambling 70k worth of debt

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Partner of 13 years (we are not married) however have 2 children a house (which is in his name only) and a baby on the way I’m 24 week’s pregnant. Before people start telling me that I’m financially leaving myself open I know but I guess in this instance it’s been a bit of a blessing.

DP has broken down tonight and basically confessed to gambling a lot of money, all the savings, racked up roughly 70k worth of debt. We were due to remortgage in the next few months I was looking to go on the mortgage obviously for financial security and we were going to take a bit of cash out to do some jobs on the house as we have a bit of equity in the property.

He’s admitted he’s maxed out credit cards and taken an unsecured loan out.

I don’t even know what to do or say I obviously cannot confide in anyone and I just don’t know what to do.

I won’t be leaving him but the trust has been broken.

Has anyone been through this?? What did you do? obviously his gambling will impact the remortgage, do we put all of his credit in a debt management plan? I don’t even know what to say or do I’m in shock our future is potentially ruined I’m heartbroken

Yeah that’s what I read when I looked into it further

I think you’ll find it’ll be a little harder than this.

You clearly don’t want actual advice, just for people to tell you it’s all fine and good

How much are the minimum payments on the 70k debt, about 2k a month?

It’s not harder we have done this prior with his lender Halifax! I don’t want anyone to tell me that it’s all rosey as I’m fully aware it’s not however everyone saying we will loose the house when we have equity in the house and never missed any payments isn’t the case yes I the loans etc but everything is currently being paid.

It’s £1,500 a month

they will, he can just refix with the current lender- even the worst case scenario is that he goes on their variable rate.

the mortgage company has lent him the money for the whole mortage term, they can’t just cancel it.

as I say, some of these suggestions are totally misunderstanding what’s going on here

your advice is wrong though!

So that leaves about 2k a month. How much of that does he propose putting towards paying off the debt, 1k a month?

That’s why I said he gets paid into that account, OP removes everything needed and he keeps just his disposable income in there. Literally just his fun money. Everything else is removed but Op can see how he’s spending his fun money.

No employer I’ve had would pay into an account in someone else’s name. And I wouldn’t want to pay a tradie to another named account as I’d worry it was fiddling the books.

Thank you !

So he says.

You just seem to think it’s all fine. It’s not. The minimum payments on the 70k will just about cover the interest. Is he cutting down all spending beyond what is actually necessary to pay towards the actual loans? Has he signed up to gam stop? Sought help with his doctor? Are you encouraging him to do any of this? Saving for you and your baby? (I’m guessing the answer to the last question is no as you only work part time and won’t take on more hours). You’re sleep walking into financial ruin but want to stick with him and don’t want to make any lifestyle changes so it is what it is.

He doesn’t have disposable income when he has 70k of debt!

I am usually the first to recommend getting out when your partner is gambling and running up credit, but this one 'might' just be salvageable. First port of call is for him to get debt advice on his options. National Debtline, payplan or similar. There are plenty of good free organisations out there. As as has previous been stated - he needs to do this, not you. I know you want to but he caused it and he must fix it. Then, when there is a plan in place, all his income should be paid into an account that you control, bills paid from this and debt repayment and then his pin money be moved to his own account. There will be next to nothing until the debt is paid off. No shared account - you can't mix finances. Once the debt is sorted, start to accumulate savings in YOUR name for your own security and even more importantly for that of your children. Long term, work towards a position where you have a home in your name only. He may not like this but it is the price of betraying your trust. After maybe a decade of no further relapse you could start to trust him again. Any backsliding, just leave him. Seriously - for the sake of your children and their security you cannot stay with a debt addict.

I don’t think it’s all fine

some of them are loans so interest already included and the credit cards are currently 0% which I’m aware won’t last forever.
signed up yesterday already sent his bank statements across so they can help him with his finances.

ive already been saving - and if you read my previous responses it’s not currently financially feasible for me to work full time with wrap around care and little support.
never said I don’t want to make any lifestyle changes. I don’t need someone grilling me thank you I just wanted some advice and if people have been down this road what they did.
gambling ruins lives daily and I am aware I need to protect myself you just seem to want to tell me my life’s over we will lose everything and there’s no going back !

These are all excuses.

Realistically if you wanted to actually see things get better for you and your child you’d move back home, get a higher paying job and start over without him.

Thank you for this - he’s going to move his wages across to my account moving forward so I’ve fully visibility.

I’ve got a separate savings account that will continue to be separate and I’ll continue to build on even more so now.

Why are you being so antagonistic to OP? If you can’t be supportive what is the point in even answering

Move back home?! What on earth do you mean? I’ve no home to move back to!

get a higher paid job when I’m pregnant and due in September ?! Isn’t going to happen

She needs to be realistic.

Respectfully, you are hyper focusing on the debt and how to clear it. Obviously he does need to find a solution to that, but nobody who racks up 70K in debt is in control of their gambling habit. I can guarantee you, unless that is addressed properly, the lack of trust and constant debt is the life you are signing up to.

He should secure the remortgage before entering into any debt management payment schemes OP.

What he should do is refix the mortgage if he can but worst case scenario just go onto variable rate because a new lender will do more stringent credit checks, plus there are costs involved in moving to a new lender.

Start looking at what's available 3 months before the fixed terms ends, so around July and talk to the lender about his options.

In the meantime, he needs to pay £1.5k a month as a minimum payment on the debts. Don't miss any of those. And of course pay the mortgage. He also needs to pay to reduce the capital of the debt.

This would leave you with about £1k a month, is that enough to cover food, utilities, run a vehicle etc?

Is he going to be earning less over autumn/winter? Plan ahead.

You really need to crunch some numbers to see how much you can afford to throw at the debt.

When does the 0% credit end?

Have you checked his credit score?
Are you fully aware of the extent of the borrowing?

As others have said, he needs to be the one to manage this. He needs professional help, and he needs to WANT to do this, not just pay lip service to what he knows you need to hear.

He’s addicted - he could relapse at any time and statistically most likely will at some point.

I get that you’ve been together a long time and you’re on maternity leave but by staying you are committing to walking on eggshells for the next however many years, possibly indefinitely.

He has done this, to you, to your children. None of you are as important as his habit, please remember that.
Where was his thought for the potential deprivation of a roof over his children’s head over the last year?

£70k debt will take forever to pay off.

What are his proposals going forwards?
What steps is he willing to take to sort this mess out, a gigantic mess that is caused solely by him but affects ALL of his family.

Of course you should leave him. Tbh although that seems very difficult now it will probably be the easiest and least stressful option in the long term. For you and your children.

Perhaps leaving him will make him realise what he’s done and will force a change in behaviour and maybe your relationship may become salvageable in the long run. Maybe not.

Not want you want to hear I realise, but what he has done to you and his children is huge. Massive. Can you really get past this?

i wish you good luck, you are going to need it.

OP I note that you said he went back to gambling after blocking himself from the usual sites. There was a woman who posted on here about her addiction and she did the same but the site was outside of the UK and they don't actually pay out any wins.

They will give you gambling credit at a fraction of the big 'win' and there is nothing you can do about it because those sites are illegal in the UK.

Just make sure he is aware of that in case he is tempted to find another way around the gambling block.

He will ALWAYS be tempted to find a different way to gamble. And he will ALWAYS find one.

You’re not providing that you’re giving her fake information and a poor set of inappropriate options.