Just Surf, feat Lost and The Small Mercies

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Hello and welcome to our support thread for anyone struggling with cocaine. Whether you want to quit, cut down or are someone whose life is affected, all welcome.
We offer non judgemental advice, tips, some silly chat and most importantly lots of support and encouragement.

Come and join and we'll all help each other surf the urges!

I have taken the bathercise thing very seriously tonight.

I had bubbles, fluffy towels and a conditioning thing for my unruly hair.

I am fully pyjamarated.

I have melatonin to knock me out (ok it’s from online but still).

I have got to get over myself today, shut the fuck up and go to sleep and start again tomorrow with a wetsuit that looks like pyjamas and a surfboard that has a duvet style pattern on it.

My ankle strap thing will have my teddy attached to it for maximum effectiveness.

To top it all I’ve a fucker of a spot....

Ok sweet dreams x

So I’ve been to get my nails done to try distract myself.
It’s me and DD tonight, she’s 10.
What can we watch or do to make it fun? I’m all out of originality

Yo Pickle sorry you were left hanging. Hope you managed have a fun evening with dd. Have you got Netflix? You can get a free months trial to entertain dd. And nail envy

Got messed up yet again last night. I'm sick of comedown Saturdays and I seem to have lost my willpower somewhere.

Hope all surfers are feeling better than me this morning.

Hello all, I have been reading this thread with interest. I know all too well the grip cocaine can get on you psychologically, I have personally been battling with it for the past 10 years. I seem to dip in and out, I can go without for a few months and not massively miss it, but then I tell myself I can't have a problem as I've managed to go without and then I end up bingeing with increasing frequency never more than a couple of times a month but quite large amounts. It really does feel like something has taken over my will and control of my thoughts so that I forget that I want to stop doing it.

Last week i had a bit of a watershed moment, I ended up on a binge and had too much and got scared that I was a heart attack waiting to happen. I have a young family and have felt so guilty ever since that what if one day something happens to me and I'm no longer there for them? So I really want to stop this time.

Anyway this thread is an inspiration and it's good to know I'm not alone particularly as this is a secret from all but a few close friends and my DH.

Welcome loathing ( I can't call you gear!) but great username if a bit tricky to shorten.

You sound a bit like me altho I tend to use smaller amounts more regularly. But whatever our patterns the point is we are all doing a good thing reaching out and saying HELP. For me it's about not buying any or I'll dip in and that has seen me good for about a month now. I feel more even of mood for it!

Sounds like you are worried for your health and sick if being in the grip of it, and as you know it doesn't help family life very much!

Great that you have posted. We've been a bit quiet on here lately but folk will probably pop up this evening.

Pickle how are you doing ?

Lost and hooch are you still surfing?

Stay warm everyone.

Thank you ponzo. You can call me gear, or loathing- whatever you like! I think I've had what's known in the trade as a bit of a wake up call. I basically took far too much at once on this last occasion, and my heart started beating really rapidly, more so than ever before. I keep thinking -what if I'd OD'd? I was alone, in a motel room (away on business) as I try to keep this out of the family home now. Very irresponsible of me and I'm deservedly on a massive guilt trip. I keep seeing my children and imagining how awful it would be if I wasn't here for them. So I HAVE to stop now.. I was lucky this time but I can't always guarantee I'll get away with it. There's only so many chances i can have.

About 6 months ago I ditched my local dealer (and he's not been back in touch, he'd tried to rip me off one time, or his runner had, and I'd made a fuss - so I don't think he was too bothered about losing me as a customer) so my only other source is in another city quite far away. So I'm lucky in that I cannot physically get hold of it on a whim, it takes planning and is not a regular thing. That's why it's only been a monthly kind of indulgence, but whilst getting rid of local dealer has helped, I still feel the addiction is very much in my head just waiting for the next time. That's why I need to seriously make a break now, and if this latest wake up call isn't what I need then nothing ever will be.

Well done for not buying any for a month Ponzo, that's great. Has it been very difficult not to give in?

Hi gearandloathing How about we call you Gal? Welcome to the thread
I feel a bit of a fraud steering the surfing thread as I've been struggling a fair bit with it lately. Sorry I've kept my head down in a pile of gear

I totally understand you being able to stop for a while but then getting drawn back to it. I'm the same although I seem to be having relapses lately where my appetite for it is scarily insatiable.
In the cold light of day, the health implications are frightening I agree Gal

And brilliant Ponz I always tell myself if I can get to a month clean then things will be easier. I hope you're finding that.

Ah where is everyone else?

My dealer left town gal so I've refused to find another one which has probably saved me. The dealer visits less and less so it's simply the lack of availability keeping me on my surfboard. I do get cravings but if I can't get it I can't give in. If it was available I'd have my nose straight in it.

My triggers apart from availability are alcohol and boredom. The humdrum of everyday tedious family life feels so much zingier after a line. But then dealing with the kids the next day and constantly feeling I'm short changing then is shit.

Lost hope you are feeling ok. You can get back on the board. Sending you some armbands and a hug.

((waves at Lost) hope you are ok.

Do you find the cravings lessen if there is no way of getting hold of it, ponzu? When I had a local dealer, I'd describe the craving as a sort of nagging voice in my head that got louder and more insistent until I gave in. Now, I find myself making excuses to travel in the vicinity of my out of town dealer (I travel a lot on business) but I have come to recognise any excuses of this nature as 'coke brain in action'

Actually I've been reading 'rational recovery' lately, which is all about recognising the addictive voice - basically the craving originates in your lower, emotional brain but then uses your thought processes to convince you you want it. So you have to recognise the thought processes as not coming from you, and dissociate from them which allegedly lessens/removes the cravings. It sounds too simple to be true but a lot of people say it works. Although the book was originally written for alchoholics, it can be used with any substance. So I'm going to give that a try. It has some interesting thought experiments! Here's a link if anyone is interested...

www.amazon.co.uk/Rational-Recovery-Cure-Substance-Addiction/dp/0671528580?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Morning gal. Yes I do find I have fewer cravings if it's not in the house. If it is, it's virtually shouting at me! But then unlike some I am able to eke our a stash for ages with a few lines a few times a week. But this is mainly because my DP doesn't know. Which makes me feel truly awful. So I can't be a wired frothing mess I have to be discreet. I hate the sneakiness. Like you tho I've had evenings where he's been out and I've gone mental. I just have no will power when it's in front of me, like all of us.

I do know rational recovery, or rather the U.K. version which is intuitive recovery. It's an excellent programme and one which a few friend have done ( class based) and they remain clean from very heavy drug and alcohol addictions. They have changed their name I think but if you google intuitive recovery I'm sure it will link you to their website. They are different to NA etc as they don't believe in being in recovery for ever , they think get some skills, learn to manage your addictive voice, make the decision to be clean and don't waiver. Then get on with your life. Seems simple but works for some. I think the key is finding what works for you.

Problem with a lot of us on here is that we are high functioning and can not use for ages so we never really have the rock bottom.

Thanks ponzo I'll check that out.

I'm still feeling horrified at my 'near OD' last week -I've actually no idea if i came near to an OD but it scared me and I'm going to use that fear to help me stop.

From a practical point of view, I'm in the best place to give up at the moment. I don't travel to where my source is as much these days, as the office has moved. I recently fell out with my druggie mates and can't see us making friends again anytime soon. All my other friends are sensible! So I have no where to (easily) get it from and no one to use with. DH will use with me occasionally but he's not really in to it. I feel ready to move on- I just need to handle/train/disarm coke brain! Coke brain doesn't care how difficult it is to obtain, or who is joining in a session, coke brain just wants the high - at any and every cost.

The thought of a line makes me feel sick with disgust at the moment, but I don't know how long that'll last for. I've always gone back to it before - how can I be sure this time will be different?

I love your determination and enthusiasm to stay clean gal. That's interesting about the theory of coke brain. I've not looked at it from that angle. It feels those stupid thought processes you describe are ingrained in me at times.

I have the opposite situation I suppose where I surrounded myself overtime with users, all helping to normalise my habit and making me convince myself it's fine if I'm honest. I have several dealers numbers memorised in my mind argh.

I don't know if you have to reach rock bottom to change. I'm just tired of this shit now. Maybe that's my rock bottom I don't know.
In the past it's always helped to take one day at a time with this rather than panic about long term. I'm not an expert though, just a confused coke fiend.

I'm struggling with it at the moment and hate myself for it. I looked at some CA online meetings last night so might try that today.

When I said I've surrounded myself with users I meant like Ponz says, functioning users that are holding down jobs, have families and appear quite normal if that makes sense. I'm not hanging out in crack dens or anything.

I'm a bit worried that CA will brain wash me into turning Christian or something. Maybe I'm just making excuses as usual!

Rational recovery is pretty much the polar opposite of CA. I don't have experience of CA but I do of another anonymous group from my other addiction which is food/overeating. Sugar was always my first cocaine! I didn't really get on with it to be honest but each to their own.

Rational recovery also is very much against the one day at a time ethos of CA, it says to make a permanent commitment to abstinence and any 'using' thoughts are then identifed as coke brain, and defeated using the techniques in the book.

I'm going to give it a go. Whenever I feel myself wavering thinking I can't possibly never have another line I think 'aha there goes coke brain - the real me doesn't WANT to do this anymore' And it's true - if someone said they could wave a magic wand and turn me into a normal person who had never had coke - on the condition that I never had it again - I'd say yes in a heartbeat.

Good luck with CA - let me know how it goes and I'll let you know how rational recovery goes! I am lucky though in that it's physically impossible to score right now. It was a big deal to cut ties with my local dealer but the best thing I could have done. Luckily I don't have any connections here socially - even the friends I used with in my youth went sensible a long time ago. Why I didn't join them I don't know!

Yes I know what you mean. I do have reservations about CA. I attended a few meetings years ago now when I was younger and getting in a state and I was a bit put off by the higher power stuff although it helped me to face up to things and see other people in a similar situation. I don't know if it's changed since the 90's.

I'm probably scared to look for real life help if I'm honest. I've got very used to having my head in the sand

Let us know how you're getting on with rational recovery. I'll read your links with interest.
It's helped me at times to come on here when cravings just feel all consuming just to moan to people that understand and are cheering you on.

Hope we are all doing ok. I went and met a friend for lunch and a walk, she's a friend I've got high with in the pre baby days a few times but she's been sensible since having her daughter 3 years ago. She was never that into it anyway.

We were making plans to do normal stuff in the summer, beach, zoo, night out drinking etc and it struck me how utterly boring it all sounded. I think I've fucked up my reward centre, or may be it's just the comparison between being high and doing non high stuff that makes it seem boring.

I'm hoping it'll be like when you stop putting salt and pepper on your food and everything seems bland for a while until your tastebuds adjust. I hope my reward centre will recalibrate eventually, and it's not been buggered permanently. I guess that's an argument to stop and not keep dipping in and out as I have been.

Fuck yes Gal I know exactly what you mean. Everything feels flat.
My hardest situations are social events especially when there's drinking music etc. I just can't help thinking Well this is shit.

Speaking to someone who has been in recovery for a year recently, that does change. Eventually

Hang tight. Making plans with sober friends is all good.

Aaargh literally 6 months after no contact and localdealer has got back in touch. And just after I started posting on this thread... uncanny! I know I should delete the number but I don't know if I can...help!!

Oh Lord dealers are far too entrepreneurial these days! Delete or as we love to say on this thread, play the film to the end and try to remember the implications.
(If you can, I know it's hard)

I didn't sign up to the online CA meeting. I'm pathetic but having an early night so a semi successful evening..

It's weird, as when I saw his text I really felt like I split in two, cokebrain and the rest of me.

Cokebrain was like 'yessssssssssssss!'
The rest of me was like 'damn, I thought he'd sacked me off as a customer why'd he have to get in touch after all this time.'

I haven't deleted the number yet but I haven't planned to go and get any either.

I KNOW I should the delete the number! It's so fecking hard though.

Sounds like you are doing well having an early night Lost - no point doing a meeting if you are not feeling in the mood for it.

Aye it's like a comfort blanket just knowing it's there, you know just in case. I get it.

Sorry I meant the phone number. Not sure an online meeting is any sort of comfort blanket

It's a comfort blanket with barbed wire underneath though...

Yeah not that comfy