Just Surf, feat Lost and The Small Mercies

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Hello and welcome to our support thread for anyone struggling with cocaine. Whether you want to quit, cut down or are someone whose life is affected, all welcome.
We offer non judgemental advice, tips, some silly chat and most importantly lots of support and encouragement.

Come and join and we'll all help each other surf the urges!

Oh no hooch! Get well soon!

Thanks Serial and Hooch.

Hooch, so sorry about your flu. Crap time to feel like crap.
Hope you're well enough for that Sherry.

Afternoon all

Hooch I'm so sorry you've been ill, that's awful. Razor blades in the throat sounds horrific, maybe you need antibiotics? Keep trying to drink if nothing else or try ice cream? [nurseface]
Get well soon

I've been doing really badly with my surfing lately. My will power seems to have packed up and left and I've been hitting it hard these last few days.
I don't know if it's a combination of lack of routine, not working, being Christmas and Mr Lost wanting to go mad and the fact that I'm still a raving coke head but I'm very discombobulated. Felt so down this morning about things!

I'm worried about NYE too Serial do you have anything planned? Must NOT make an idiot of myself (again).

Thanks all, I'm on antibiotics now and feeling slightly better. NYE will be a sensible affair as either staying at home or seeing a sensible friend. I've gone right off Mr R which can only be a good thing!

Lost I think you'll be ok once December is over. All those things you mentioned are reasons to go a bit mad. Have a shiny new surfboard for January.

Good luck for NYE everyone x

Sensible sounds appealing right now Hooch. Look after yourself x

Thanks for my new surfboard. I think mine has holes in it...excuses, excuses eh?
Quite looking forward to getting back to normal life iykwim where I actually know what day it is. It's scary how easy it is to slip back into old habits. Like riding a bike off a cliff

Sorry for rambling on. Glad you're feeling a bit better.

It's being out of routine, not long till the new year and normality.

Yeah thanks guys. New year New leaf and back to work and responsibilities. I can never retire!

Don't worry lost, we'll find you a job at our silver surfers nursing home!

Anyway, we get a free pass for bad behavior at Christmas!!

Argh don't tempt me with a free pass I'm extremely weak willed at the moment.

Planning to go for a little run in the morning to resume some semblance of normality. Hopefully that will inspire me to get on a healthy wholesome vibe for the weekend.
That's the plan anyway.

Just popping my head in to give you a big hug lost. Your Christmas sounds so similar to the one I had last year. DH and I were on it the whole week. It nearly killed me psychologically!

Try not to give yourself a hard time. It’s the worst time of year to try to stay clean. Maybe set a date early in the new year to try again. Perhaps with some extra help? In my experience I could not do it on my own. Wishing you heaps of luck. You are such a Iovely person, you don’t deserve to feel so shit

Pops up - hi!
I feel like I'm intruding on this supportive thread and am a long time MN lurker but before the new year I wanted to say how amazingly supportive and non-judgemental you are to each other and it's a joy to read.
I too have had my own issues in the past and empathise with how bloody hard the whole cycle is. I've done things I'm not proud of and the dreaded C word was always on my mind with the first drink I had for longer than I care to remember.
The cycle can be broken, believe me. In time it becomes not the first thing you crave when you have that first drink down the pub. Half the battle is cutting off means to getting it and surrounding yourself with people who have nothing to do with it (easier said than done I know)
I spent my youth raving and taking anything and everything and then it became this the one thing which followed me out of that young, carefree phase and was a bugger to shake off.
It's still there somewhere in the background, if someone offered me some when out (unlikely) and I'd had enough to drink then I can't say I wouldn't do it but I can't remember the last time I had the horrors of being up all night, unable to sleep and feeling like shit (I've been there more times than I care to remember)
No judgement from me though but wanted to say there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Lost - go for that run, that's something which massively helped me break the cycle xx

It's cutting off the people that I struggle with. For me Christmas has been sort of easy - no people, no temptation. Ginger and Flat , thank you for your wisdom. I'm craving so badly tonight. But i am still on my board. I think I'm at 4 weeks. Go me or something.

Lost, go for a run tomorrow - set a date for the new year. I think this weekend I might be collecting another oven dish unless I'm really strong. My fucked up brain is telling me that i deserve it.

Thanks for your support, you're all so understanding and wise. You all just get it. I really needed a (kind ) kick up the bum.
Of course you're not intruding Gingerbread, it's great to hear how you've turned things around. There's a lot I can relate to there.

High five for flat- hope you had a lovely Christmas. Thanks for cheering me up and on.

I feel better for swallowing my stupid pride and admitting on here that I'm getting in a terrible tangle. I've scared myself really and want to get back on track before it all gets out of hand and my Fuck it Switch gets jammed.

I'm trying not to be too deluded about things and setting a date clean for the 1st Jan. I really want to get back to the good progress I was making before I went on my Christmas drugs rampage. I just hope I can.

Feeling much more optimistic after crying this morning (emotional wreck) and going for a tortuous run.

Oh and you can do it Serial. You have those massive balls of steel to help you.
It's so hard if you're surrounded by people doing it though. I think we all have a crazed addict inside us just waiting for an excuse to break out!

Great lost, glad you are feeling more positive....you can do this. Keep sharing and keep in touch with people you know in real life who have some sobriety.

Lost - it's healthy to admit that you could be entering a fu*k it phase, Christmas and New Year are a massive trigger. Off work, everyone is seemingly festive and silly, drinking more booze etc, etc.
For the sake of your mental health I'd just go with the flow until 1st January as you don't need added anxiety on top.
I think it was easier for me as my husband never did it (did when he was younger but no interest in it once we got older and had kids etc) made the come downs worse though as I'd feel so remorseful and alone and ashamed and the anxiety of not being able to sleep etc *shudder.
I distanced myself from all avenues - stopped going for Thursday night drinks with people who indulged (my husband has been calling me in the past after a night 'on it' and I just didn't know when to stop/didn't want to stop once I had started) and said when are you coming home, I need to leave for work (it would have been a Thursday night/Friday morning) and is still be on it and drinking wine at 5:30am and he had to leave for work at 6am. Told you I had done awful things! He would have the hump with me for days and I'd be feeling shit but then I'd get a few drinks inside me and do it again another week.....
Anyway, it's not all bad as we know but been there and there's many more things I cringe about which I have done as I used to hit the booze heavily when partaking too so had monster hangovers.
Take care of yourselves, the first step is wanting to change the cycle and to be honest, I haven't read the whole thread but you have all done long stints clean so keep going!

No idea why all that writing is in bold, trying to do it on my iPhone, soz!

Another thing which I found helped me was Pearl Lowe's autobiography-All That Glitters. She's definitely been there and got the t-shirt

Ginger, what a great post! I can so relate to the still being up at 5:30 and drinking and feeling like you never want to stop.

Lost, you've had a festive binge - it's not the end of the world and shortly you'll be back on track.

Ginger, thanks for sharing, your story sounds similar to mine, though my DH did partake. However he knew when to stop, and could stop. I on the other hand had to do every last morsel and some. I am an addict through and through because when I start I can’t stop. It’s so frightening, I seem to have managed to stop my life from going over a cliff edge, but only just in time. And it could still happen.....so I am staying super vigilant

I hated the stop. I'd always be the one saying, let's get one more, never wanting the party to stop even though the party should have ended a long time earlier and it was the next day. Always looking for more wine, more gear. Always wanting people to stay up with me. Always the one who would be licking the dirty old wrap at the end. Then when I finally had no one else to play with having to go home wired and unable to sleep and feeling so shite.
At the time it felt worse having no partner to share the come down with at home but then if my husband also partook I have no doubt I'd too be in the same cycle.
I changed jobs so the Thursday night drinks after work with like minded people stopped, I moved house so my local source was no longer local so mine was a circumstantial change and I also took up running. As that gradually took over my weekends more I found I preferred to be up early and hangover free to run.
Gradually I went back to the booze after a self imposed dry stint and I found that I no longer had the connection - glass of wine = get the coke in. Previously I'd literally have one glass of wine and then the mental to and fro would start and the more pissed I got the more I would crave it.
Without wanting to drip feed, when I get more time I'll pass on some anecdotes so you realise how craven and bad I was at times.
I get it girls!
The anxiety does you no good though in the long run, make peace with it if you do it and tomorrow is a new day. This time of year is especially hard to stay on your boards

Ha yes a Fuck it Phase just about sums it up!
It's brilliant that you've pulled yourself back from the abyss gingerbread it can all escalate very quickly almost without you realising that you're suddenly trapped in that horrible cycle of using and feeling awful and hating yourself and then using to help with that low mood..you know the story!

It's certainly very moorish indeed. You're right flat I think the addiction is always there lying dormant, if that makes sense.

Sorry to witter on about myself. Hope everyone else is ok.
Cleaning you're very quiet. Hopefully you've gone skiing or something (not a drug reference)

Gingerbread - I totally get where you're coming from.
We were 'lucky', in that we bought a very cheap batch from someone who was offloading before Xmas. It was inexpensive (£45, compared to £80), but it was caustic as fuck.
I blew out too much nose, with every tissue. DP ended up in hospital with a UTI. My friend also ended up with a UTI. We all thought 'fuck this'.
There will be no NYE binge. I think we're all grateful to be sane and functional.
Lesson learned.

I won't say NEVER, but I'm not buying into the seasonal binge thing. Health is very important. For now, I have no interest in the stuff.

This is a huge deal for a user who needed a line every morning.
I'm grateful for the shit batch, perverse as it may seem.

Good luck to all surfers!