Hi everyone.
I havent posted on here in a while hope you remember me. I am lurking almost every day laughing but also sympathising (sp?) Is it a Z or an S?!
Also 
and welcome to the thread to the new poster.
Im totally not doing well at the moment which is why I havent contributed since the last thread I feel very embarrased. Have done almost every weekend except last weekend over the last month or so felt so much better on sunday. However, did it overnight on sunday night and really really overdid it, DP even missed work on Monday. We have promised eachother that after the new year we will stop again properly although we want to stop now obviously but properly no more after new year as in delete the dealers number kinda serious.
I always console myself and tell myself its okay because DP does it too when I do so its not a problem. But hes gone on a night shift and I got some to myself. Ive had nearly all of it while on the phone to my friend I was planning to save at least some, FFS im so dissapointed in myself. I really am. I had one line and then started this post, got distracted by the phone call and had it all nearly.
I was actually laid in bed the other night and thinking i will come off contraception and get pregnant in order to give me the kick to stop this because I know I wouldnt do it if pregnant. I was even planning that if I get pregnant in Jan i wont miss out on xmas or anything in the 9 months so I wouldnt be tempted. For fucks sake. I wont obviously but I just hate its got such a hold on me even though I know its all in my head. I said I wasnt going to have any tonight but got the money for it out of the bank on my way home so obviously I knew I would. DP wasnt supposed to be working so id kind of convinced myself we would have it so I think I just did it because I was expecting it. I dont know. I really dont. When I have it alone I feel like such a dick. I really am such a fucking idiot.
Anyway the reason im typing this now even though im rambling right now (imagine if I was with you in RL id be talking your ears off like I just have on the phone to my friend). Is that I do read the thread a lot even though I dont contribute too often and when I do its spouting off about myself so I look self centered but every surfer I relate to you all. I read this thread midweek when I had a craving and stopped myself so I love that this thread is here because every poster on MN seems so bloody perfect.
Lost one more thing (I know, i know I could talk your ear off). I sometimes see your username on other threads and think you are really level headed and your opinion on here is usually spot on with mine, adding a bit of realism to the madness that is MN.
I have got a night out tomorrow so I hope I feel shit enough to not have any more and im back on my surfboard. I hope.
Keep posting and supporting eachother its lovely and great to have a bit of a laugh with you all too plus I lurk and did do before I first posted so you never know who else you are helping. . Going to try and sleep now although i'll probably be too wired. Good night all and thanks again