Starting to massively despair at my clothes shopping … 😭

[warmpinkshawl]

Anyone else like this …?

I’m realising this is why I’ve slid into a ‘uniform’ of old jeans, hoodies and shabby sneakers. Thus us what I’ve worn for over ten years.

When a wedding or event comes along, it turns into a monumentally stressful shopping experience where I panic buy items I find uncomfortable, unsure suit me, and likely never wear again.

I have two events: a funeral on Friday and a weekend in Paris next weekend. I’ve been browsing online for days and woke up at 5 am this morning to continue scrolling and discovered my panic purchase for the funeral won’t arrive in time. I then panic purchased a pair of shoes I think look nice for meals out and the funeral, but already have doubts.

I wish I could break this cycle and be confident in what I wear.

I recently had a haircut I love and it inspired me to try hard again to ‘raise the bar’. But I’m hitting a familiar wall now and dreading the events, and just feeling tired and down about it. My DH just doesn’t have this …

Uuuugh!!

OP, glad you have bought some new stuff. They look like really good choices!

Btw I am secretly envying your height. And your ability to knit, sew and understand trading. I will never achieve all this, esp the height!

OP I wonder if you would consider a plain dress for summer. This dark blue linen one is very versatile. I normally don’t like Seasalt, but this dress looks great on everyone I have suggested it to. Better than in the photo. And it has fab pockets. Perfect for strolling around Paris with. And would look great with gold jewellery!

@warmpinkshawl I scrolled through the thread titles on S &B this morning and was struck by the thought that most of the content is derived from uncertainty, vulnerability and seeking support (just by the titles).

Well yes, it's a forum people go to for advice. You could say the same for most of the titles on The Doghouse or the Gardening or the Holidays forums.

It sounds as if you have found some good basics op. I'm sorry that you feel anxiety over what you wear. As someone who enjoys style and fashion, it seems a shame that others find it a source of stress.

I think that your personal style is just that, personal to you. I know I wear things that others would not choose and that's fine. I also feel fashion is like a creative choice that I can play with and pick from to suit my personal style.

If she was happy to wear it why would she start a thread asking if she should wear it?

Honestly, you are worrying far too much about the views of others. For every single outfit there will be people who think it looks great and others who think it is hideous. You have to find a style that YOU like, and what anyone else thinks doesn't matter at all. Those who make comments such as you mentioned about the shoes are not some kind of fashion oracle, they are merely stating their own views - and I note they never post photos of themselves to give us the opportunity to critique what it is they like to wear. The type of person who makes those comments is not the type of person I wish to associate with anyway, and anyone who is so obsessed about fashion that they feel they can pass judgement on what others wear is a shallow fool in my opinion.

I stopped caring about what others thought about me decades ago. I take from fashion the things I like, and leave the things I don't. I don't want to look like a carbon copy of others, I want to look like me. I really don't think everyone I meet is judging what I wear, most people have more important things to worry about, and I couldn't care less about any judgement anyway.

You really just need to find some confidence.

I think someone might have already suggested it, but The Curated Closet by Anuschka Rees is a great starting point.

This thread has been such an interesting read, both for the specifics about clothing and for the broader discussion about the pressure that people (most often women) can feel about what to wear, when to wear it, how to wear it. I remember a few years ago my DH and I were on holiday in a lovely city on a warm day. We spent several hours one day wandering around, sightseeing, shopping, etc. My DH was wearing light-coloured trousers, a plain dark blue T-shirt, and nice leather sandals. I don't remember what I was wearing but it was something equally casual. He suggested we go out to dinner and I said I wanted to stop by the hotel to change clothes. So we did. My DH changed his shoes, put on a linen blazer, and made no further adjustments to his outfit. IMO he looked great. OTOH I changed into something completely different. It made me think about how easy it can be for men to dress for a variety of occasions with hardly a thought. And yes, I know I could have done exactly as he did, but for whatever reason (societal messages, insecurity, who knows) I felt that I had to change into a new, dressier outfit.

I love clothes, but I have never been the sort of person who effortlessly knows how to put together an outfit. A few years ago I really felt I was in a style rut and I realised that in part it had to do with certain "rules" I had set for myself: specific shapes or colours or styles that I would wear and those I wouldn't. So I decided to experiment a bit. For instance, when wide-legged trousers became popular, my initial thought was that I couldn't possibly wear them since I'm quite short. But I threw caution to the wind 😅 and tried some anyway. And discovered that with the right cut, I could certainly wear wide-legged trousers. Now I love them. I've also expanded my wardrobe with a wider variety of things like trainers and skirts, instead of sticking to the same styles I'd been wearing for ages. I have been really enjoying these changes, and I think that in the past I was getting in my own way by holding onto some rigid ideas. I don't know if anyone else can identify with this mentality, but this thread made me think of it.

I’ve read this thread with interest because it mirrors just how I feel- I also struggle with online shopping because getting things delivered is crap if you haven’t got anywhere parcels can be left, and as for sizing- my biggest problem is that while ‘measurement wise’ something may fit, I seem to be unevenly distributed so if something has a bust measurement of 38 it still doesn’t fit, because there is acres of fabric at the back and it’s tight across the front… my waist is in the wrong place, I seem to carry fat in places other people don’t. So of 10 things I try on, often 1 will fit. My best mate didn’t believe me till she tried shopping with me! Apparently I’m a size 14 ish but not a ‘properly distributed’ one.

I understand the concept of the capsule wardrobe etc but when you have to try on 15 pairs of jeans just to find one pair that will do up and fit you in all areas, it does get very demoralising.

And I really identify with the OP that you just know you’re being judged if you get it wrong. When you clearly have put no effort in it’s like the get out clause but you can’t always get away with that 😕

yes as you said, a woman in light coloured trousers, a navy t shirt could also throw on a linen blazer and a change of shoes and be perfectly smart for dinner, the issue is we don’t want to, we want to change completely. And generally we dress for ourselves and other women, unless we are trying to attract or impress a man, it is seldom for men.

women are the peacocks of the human race and we have done rhis since time began, women have always adorned themselves,tried to enhance their beauty, their attractiveness, their present ability.. We can go back centuries, across continents and we see it, from cave drawings, to ancient tribes, it is not a modern day phenomenon. It has always been the case .

which is why I always find it surprising when some women blame the patriarchy, blame men for beauty standards, that women aspire to. It’s not men, it’s never been men, it’s women, and it’s always been women. And as said, we don’t do it for men either, we do it for other women, to fit in, and we do it mainly for ourselves.

@Iwouldlikesomecake "When you clearly have put no effort in it’s like the get out clause"

yes! This is basically why I don't make an effort. I always end up looking crap when I do make an effort.

And to get one pair of jeans, it's just such a huge effort. I don't want to get changed for dinner on holiday - I'm like the husband of @EverydayRoutine I would like that outfit where I could just change my jacket and that would be it

It's a great relief to me that no one dresses up anymore but it's still a problem just to get daily stuff

I thought I'd cracked it a few years ago - I put a lot of time and effort into buying a set of stuff that I could wear. Now I'm bored with that set, I've lost a bit of weight but some of it is too baggy

And I'm just absolutely groaning at the thought of having to buy things again.

I remember someone on here asking for a tailor recommendation because she was effectively having one outfit made in different colours

That is so relatable. Maybe I should find someone who does that.

It's hard to explain - I would like to take an interesting style and beauty, but it's just impossible to get it to suit my shape.

Then there's the practical issues

So yes, I could ignore the fact that I'm short and plump and do the wide leg trouser thing

But then the flapping material would get on my nerves

I've also realised that after years of just wearing trainers, I feel pretty uncomfortable than anything else

I've always found that trainers and boots are the most comfortable

I'm in the process of decluttering and I have realised that I would be better off sticking with a very limited uniform

I think that's true for a lot of women

I would really like it if they were just one or two "uniform" shops I could go to. I shop online, but even then I'm just overwhelmed with choice and not knowing what to do.

and a lot of things have to be altered as a short person - that's if I could be bothered to do it

In the end, I just think to myself "thank goodness I haven't got anything posh to go to"

One thing I realised though, my best friend is very into fashion. But I very rarely notice what she's wearing.

Sorry, I'm repeating myself, but as I set up thread, and I think possibly the OP said it as well, it really alarms me what people notice. I never notice stuff. Of course, I noticed people on TV who look good. But it's TV!

When my mum was my age, 50, I think all that was expected of her was that she was presentable. Have things changed or is it my perception? Or maybe it's just the circles you are in.

I mean, I'd like to look good for myself, I keep thinking the capsule wardrobe would be nice, but it's just seems so incredibly hard to put together. Or maybe it's that I keep trying and I still look rubbish. So it ends up that I just can't be bothered.