Starting to massively despair at my clothes shopping … 😭

[warmpinkshawl]

Anyone else like this …?

I’m realising this is why I’ve slid into a ‘uniform’ of old jeans, hoodies and shabby sneakers. Thus us what I’ve worn for over ten years.

When a wedding or event comes along, it turns into a monumentally stressful shopping experience where I panic buy items I find uncomfortable, unsure suit me, and likely never wear again.

I have two events: a funeral on Friday and a weekend in Paris next weekend. I’ve been browsing online for days and woke up at 5 am this morning to continue scrolling and discovered my panic purchase for the funeral won’t arrive in time. I then panic purchased a pair of shoes I think look nice for meals out and the funeral, but already have doubts.

I wish I could break this cycle and be confident in what I wear.

I recently had a haircut I love and it inspired me to try hard again to ‘raise the bar’. But I’m hitting a familiar wall now and dreading the events, and just feeling tired and down about it. My DH just doesn’t have this …

Uuuugh!!

Comfortable footwear (inc evening wear).

I'm not going to post T-shirts or plain jumpers. I'd recommend Whistles cotton tees.

Some accessories. A group of vintage brooches. A vintage silk scarf. Some everyday but noticeable earrings.

Oh, & a good everyday bag & a versatile evening bag. What have you got to take with you to Paris? As a metallic crossbody in a decent size will fulfil both when you're away. Cross bodies might not be "in" but I don't care - they're supremely useful!!

This is a fabulous reply.

I actually am interested in fashion - used to work in it, have a Vogue subscription (I just flick through to 'educate my eye') and watch quite a few designer runway shows online. I desperately miss living & working in London, where I effortlessly absorbed emerging styles by osmosis. I can sort of approximate it through sporadic online fashion safaris, but it's a fag so I rarely do it. My instinct for what's next has suffered greatly.

So ... I should be stylishly dressed in clever 'finds' that really suit me and express my personality, right? No, I am not 😂 When I make a 'find', it may not suit me at all and I send it back, or it may not fit me right but I like it so I'll keep it. Like almost everyone else I have a personal uniform that barely changes, my priorities being comfort and washability. Right now, I'm wearing a dress that looks great on me (imo). I bought it five years ago for £20 from Amazon because I couldn't be arsed to wash anything for a visit the next day - pure luck that it turned out well.

Very few of the people who work in fashion wear FASHION. I wore chain-store, machine washable black for 25 years and don't expect fashion-land has changed much. I was fortunate to have the kind of slim, rectangular body that modern clothes are cut for. Now it's a much wider rectangle with fashion-unfriendly squishy edges, and I don't care.

What makes an outfit look great is the fit. Either have a model-shaped body or have all your clothes altered for your exact shape. Or - my preferred option, and most other people's - don't bother. The other thing is the quality of fabric, which can be prohibitively expensive these days and may incur massive dry cleaning bills. Most of my stuff's natural fibres and I love a bit of elastane for comfort and ironing avoidance.

When reviewing the sum of your time on Earth, you will not waste a moment's thought on whether you were well dressed for a Paris trip in May 2026. You won't be remembered for it, either, but your charm, wit, warmth and perspicacity may make a lasting impression. Just wear something that makes you feel comfortable.

When I had to upgrade my basics I decided I would get 3 of everything. So 3 good t shirts, 3 trousers in various styles, 3 dresses etc and took it from there.
I’ve no idea of your budget or style but if you look at The Set (which I think is now sold via Next online with next day delivery now) they do sets of 3 or 5 t shirts, vests, sweaters etc, that are helpful. Uniqlo trouser are usually reliable, for current go for straight leg or wide leg cuts. Colour wise if you want safe and classic stick with neutrals, (black, white, beige, gray) with perhaps a bit of camel, navy, pale blue thrown in). That way everything can be mixed and matched, and you can chuck in some different colours when you feel more confident.

I have pretty much a uniform these days. I never knew just what to wear, but over the past few years I have bought some plain linen, round neck, tops and I wear them a lot. They look great with skirts, trousers and jeans, I wear them as they are in summer and put a black merino top under them in winter, and I really no longer have to worry about what to wear for basically any occasion, and I get compliments.

I buy a lot online as I live in a small town (not the UK) and I don't see much I like in the shops here. I hate trying on clothes in shops so it's much easier to do it at home.

I do however take notice of what people are wearing when I'm out and about, or even just watching TV. Not in a judgemental way, I will just see something I like the look of and might try to source something similar. I'm certainly not a fashionista and would never wear something I didn't like, however fashionable it was.

“I do wonder if those who follow and love fashion have any idea what it’s like for others struggling to maintain an elusive out reach standard. It sometimes feels cruel to me”

As a woman who tends to buy timeless pieces rather than what’s ’in fashion’, I do tend to look ‘put together’ if that makes sense. I do love and follow fashion though as it’s nice to know what’s ‘in’ right now and what to absolutely not wear anymore.

I have never followed this hoodie and jeans/ joggers trend that I see almost everyone wearing every day nowadays. And I would say that paragraph you have written sounds like you are kind of blaming those of us who choose not to follow the hoodies/ joggers/ jeans/ trainers trend for not ‘caring enough’. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about your choice of clothing and we are not responsible for it. Only you can sort that yourself.
I cannot think of anyone who is purposely going out and buying the latest fashion pieces just to spite those who wear hoodies and jeans/ joggers so I’m not sure how you have come to the conclusion we are being ‘cruel’.
I don’t like hoodies so I just don’t buy or wear them, it’s literally as simple as that.
i rarely wear jeans too. But that has nothing to do with trying to rub those who do wear them’s noses in it. It would never have crossed my mind to do so. What a strange thing to write.

Thank you so much @eleanorMc67for all the suggestions. I’ve bookmarked this thread to go through them when I get back.

@Flyingintotheunknown. I might not have expressed myself well. Hoodies, jumpers, jeans - I don’t feel judged in these when I’m going around my daily business. I feel invisible, unnoticed. I’m fine with that.

It is those occasions where a person is expected to ‘make an effort’ - weddings, funerals, Christmas parties, interviews etc. Or time with anyone who is consciously stylish. If I turned up in my jeans and hoodie to those, I would not be invisible, I would be judged. These events are a source of pressure and stress for anyone unfamiliar with ‘stylish dressing’ knowing you are likely to get it wrong.

Honestly, the comments that people sometimes make in the name of fashion do feel cruel.

Yesterday I overheard two women in a cafe laughing when one said, as a group of other women passed them, ‘You can always tell the age of a woman by how tight her jeans are’.

FFS, my heart went out to the woman that that was addressed at, and my mind started thinking ‘what is too tight, am I doing it, are people snarfing at me behind my back…’ I could trawl through this board and extract many many examples of similar throwaway remarks that land heavily and do nothing except instil self conscious anxiety. It’s horrible.

@warmpinkshawl People can be bitchy, it's human nature. If they weren't gossiping about someone's jeans, it would be something else. That's not a criticism of fashion so much as a criticism of those women. I'd suggest you work on developing a thicker skin as well as a capsule wardrobe.

And there is an element of truth in what they said anyway. As a millennial I swore I wouldn't give up my skinny jeans until I read someone on this forum write that it was like women in the 90s and early noughties who refused to give up the blue mascara.

Your description of wearing the same "uniform" of clothes, then getting stressed when you need to buy for an occasion is familiar.

Good on you for the haircut 💖

I really do get what you’re saying and the pressure that comes with finding something to wear for an event. But on the other hand, everyone is also in the same boat, including the fashionistas. I think it depends just how much time and effort you’re willing to put into finding the right outfit. And unless you are a stylist, I believe many people also struggle with the “what shall I wear” syndrome.
I love getting dressed up but also feel the pressure of having to think of/ find something to wear for specific occasions.

I do think the hoodie and jeans/ joggers thing seemed to be prevalent during Covid. I also think that during this time an awful lot of people slipped into the habit of just wearing them every single day and have done so ever since and now struggle to get out of the habit again. Because a lot of the threads I see like this are similar to yours, where they’ve lost all sense of fashion since covid.

All I see at the moment everywhere I go is people wearing hoodies/ jeans and trainers. Yet from reading threads on MN, it appears an awful lot of those who wear them seem not be happy wearing them but still wear them anyway. Yet they bought into that trend in the first place so they obviously do have a sense of style when a particular ‘trend’ comes around. Presumably because they felt that trend suited their sense of style. I suppose it’s just finding how to do it all over again with a different style of clothing.

Also, I really wouldn’t worry about people making nasty comments. Because one day it will happen to them when they get to a certain age.

Also, I really wouldn’t worry about people making nasty comments. Because one day it will happen to them when they get to a certain age.

Ageist much? There are thousands of very stylish older women.

I don’t think you realise how old I am! I’m in my mid 40s not in my 20s and I have a lot of respect for older people thank you! Maybe read the post and the op’s post before that to understand why I said it rather than accusing people of being ageist! Jesus some people will start an argument about absolutely anything on here. Ridiculous!

Haha I’ve just also realised I had you trying to argue with me before. I was under a different username! Remember when you tried to tell me to stop writing a certain word on a thread because you was ‘sick’ of people using that word. You are obviously extremely argumentative and cause arguments with a lot of people. And from what I can remember I wiped the floor with you too.

Sorry to derail your thread @warmpinkshawl I leave it to other posters to judge who’s argumentative.

Hi OP. Have you thought about hiring some clothes? That way you could test run a few items, see if it suits you and you enjoy wearing it then buy yourself your own one.

I get pieces off Hirestreet, usually wedding outfits that I'm not going to wear again.

As pp said regarding ‘fashion’ it’s hard to buy anything on the high street that’s not currently ‘in’ in terms of eg waist height / jeans shape etc so if you set aside a day to really focus on actual shops then you’d naturally end up with the shapes that are more modern.

I do wonder if those who follow and love fashion have any idea what it’s like for others struggling to maintain an elusive out reach standard. It sometimes feels cruel to me.
I'm probably your basic nightmare, op. I enjoy fashion and I like thinking and talking about clothes.

I also have an aversion to cooking. I'm not good at it and I've no interest in learning. But I can't escape it because I have to eat and furthermore, I enjoy good food and prefer a reasonably healthy diet.

My solution is effectively a capsule collection of straightforward recipes that I stick to and follow to the letter. My friends joke about which of 3 meals I'll serve up if they come round for dinner, but it's not malicious and it's better than my getting into a complete panic about what to cook for them and feeding them something indigestible.

Lots of posters have already suggested putting together a similar kind of uniform of outfits to serve most, if not all occasions. I don't normally endorse the John Lewis personal shopper but I think this is exactly the kind of situation that they're intended for.

You do sound a bit resentful of people like me and it put me off posting at first. But I realise that's probably unintentional and mainly the stress talking. I think it's a shame that you used to love clothes but now feel so negatively towards them and I hope you get your mojo back at some point.

I had no idea that was even a thing! I’ll check it out. Thank you.

I don’t mean this to sound snippy, but I don’t know you at all to have an opinion of you. Same for the other people on this thread.

But I have read the S & B board for long enough to know there are plenty of people who ARE casually thoughtlessly very critical. It makes me flinch sometimes. And it’s that knowledge that there are people who think in a certain way where the pressure comes from.

You are only in that group if you are the kind of person who enjoys judging and commenting negatively about a woman’s clothes or style etc.

If anyone is lurking, who enjoys a critical bitchy comment, maybe this thread will be illuminating.

And yes, I could develop a thicker skin - I could also point out something which is not nice, and a bit juvenile.

As for my thick skin … I can tell you it was a lot thicker before I had a teenage daughter. I don’t want her to ‘cringe’ when her shabby mother is with the other smart mothers.

i also had a mother who struggled as I do. I’ve wondered if I learned that stress from her. I don’t want to pass that on to my DD, so I howled privately on an anonymous thread instead.

I have really appreciated the tips and thoughts on this, and it’s given me a sense of direction going forwards.

I agree with you that there are a lot of judgemental people on S&B, OP - & it's made me more careful about my comments. Some people can just be thoughtless, but with others it is decidedly barbed & cruel (whether they intend to be or not). And some can't seem to understand that other women might not share their point of view. I haven't been on MN or S&B for a huge amount of time - but it has been enlightening!!

Also, those PP who talk about shrugging comments off, or not letting it bother you ... well, if it were that easy you wouldn't be feeling shit about yourself & posting here for advice, would you??!! I too have a thin skin & I too recognise it's in part through my mum (& her criticism of herself as well as others) - & she in turn inherited that from her mother.

I also love clothes, & have my own style that I am very comfy with & enjoy updating. But I can appreciate others' different styles - & also hopefully empathise with those who feel at a bit of a loss, whether it's about one outfit or their whole wardrobe. And I enjoy attempting to help/give advice on here, whether it's taken or not! After all, it's just my opinion.

But I do hope you've spotted some things you like in among the myriad of photos I posted (sorry if it was overkill!), & that when you feel less pressurised you have a chance to return & start thinking about a streamlined, easily mixed & matched wardrobe - where every occasion is pretty much covered, so that you don't need to have panicky meltdowns like this again!!

It's really very satisfying to arrive at that point with your wardrobe, & will probably relieve you of a lot of stress & anxiety.

Have a wonderful time in Paris, & do return with an update!

@warmpinkshawl @EleanorMc67 (who is lovely and posts great advice) as well as others are quite right that this board can be unpleasantly and casually bitchy. I think that this is the natural Mumsnet progression for the girls who loved to stand in the corner of the playground giggling at others behind their hands.

@Floisme's last comment really chimed with me. She loves clothes and talking about clothes, and is often here with super style advice. I, in contrast, am here because I'm more like you - chronically unsure about what to wear and busy with other things. However, I think that you wouldn't know that by looking at me because (like Floisme's capsule recipe collection) I have a clothing formula that works for me and (I know) makes me look put together, flatters my shape and coloring, but is probably really very boring to a fashion fan. I have eight (yes eight) versions of the same Poetry boatneck cashmere sweater. I have a Fold dress for work in five colours (bought over six years), I have three Hobbs Tilda coats, I have three pairs of wool culottes, and four Brora ponchos. I have five summer dresses which are a very similar cut, and I wear them all with tan sandals. Everything works together in a (God help me) soft summer palette. For special occasions, I just chuck money at the problem and either get the woman at John Lewis to sort me out, top to bottom, or buy a Max Mara or Erdem 'can't go wrong' dress. The list goes on (and has been for a decade now.) If you looked at me, either on a special occasion or casually dressed, you'd think I cared (although I do think I still look pretty invisible, just in a different way), but really, it's just maths and it works, meaning I can get on with the other more interesting stuff in my life. To be honest, I'd rather be up a mountain in my shorts any day of the week.

I'm not sure if that helps at all. But others are right, it's not that important, and it's a pain in the arse for lots of us.

I find it interesting, and I see it as similar to interior design, a lot of people struggle to do it. Think of the ubiquitous grey trend, where so many people painted their homes grey, got it wrong, did too much, grey floors, sofas, walls, and often used blue toned, cold grey, no individual sense of style. I think it’s the same with clothes, some folks brains just don’t work that way.

and I think a lot of that is confidence, bodies can change as we get older, and as women we can struggle to know how to dress those bodies, the desire to look stylish fighting with the desire to just hide any fat bits.

i will be honest, I don’t get the sensitivity, I don’t see it as a personal insult not to like the Same clothes. It’s just clothes and comments from randoms, but I do see a lot of people posting really dated stuff, and I guess it’s as they like it, and don’t realise it’s really dated, and I can’t decide how I feel about that, on one side I admire the confidence on the other I think gosh, how can you not know.

take up thread someone posted brooches, a metallic bag and a scarf. A hugely dated look and not remotely stylish,is it a positive or a negative, it’s both I think,

I’m the very same. Any event that comes up is a huge drama. I never have anything to wear. Panic buy a load of stuff online and then bring it all back. I go to the shops but then I don’t want to try stuff on and I go home empty handed or with more impulse buys that I have to return. If I had to go to a funeral in the morning I don’t have an outfit. It doesn’t help that I’m short and nothing ever fits me.

I agreed with you until your last comment ...!! Scarves & brooches are everywhere in the fashion world right now. The catwalks have been rife with them ... Brooches haven't even been confined to women - every actor at the Oscars seemed to be wearing them!

https://www.vogue.co.uk/gallery/jewellery-trend-brooches-aw26

https://www.vogue.com/article/silk-scarf-outfit-ideas

https://www.whowhatwear.com/fashion/celebrity-style/amanda-seyfried-miu-miu-metallic-bag-trend

https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2026/mar/20/too-many-bro-broaching-the-subject-of-mens-lapel-messaging-at-the-oscars

I always try to draw a line between being critical of clothes and being critical of people who like them. I think many of the kind of comments that raise hackles on here fall into the first category.

Cards on table: I think it's ok to be critical and even rude about clothes, just as I think it's ok to be rude about books, films and music. Clothes don't have feelings.

Incidentally people are regularly rude about clothes I like so it's not as if I don't have skin in the game.