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Starting to massively despair at my clothes shopping … 😭

127 replies

warmpinkshawl · 21/04/2026 07:58

Anyone else like this …?

I’m realising this is why I’ve slid into a ‘uniform’ of old jeans, hoodies and shabby sneakers. Thus us what I’ve worn for over ten years.

When a wedding or event comes along, it turns into a monumentally stressful shopping experience where I panic buy items I find uncomfortable, unsure suit me, and likely never wear again.

I have two events: a funeral on Friday and a weekend in Paris next weekend. I’ve been browsing online for days and woke up at 5 am this morning to continue scrolling and discovered my panic purchase for the funeral won’t arrive in time. I then panic purchased a pair of shoes I think look nice for meals out and the funeral, but already have doubts.

I wish I could break this cycle and be confident in what I wear.

I recently had a haircut I love and it inspired me to try hard again to ‘raise the bar’. But I’m hitting a familiar wall now and dreading the events, and just feeling tired and down about it. My DH just doesn’t have this …

Uuuugh!!

OP posts:
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LemonsMakelimes · 21/04/2026 12:39

Sorry I know this is S&B but this seems to be really stressful for you OP and part of me wants to give you a gentle shake and remind you that none of this is very important. Self-esteem is important, but that can't be reliant on your appearance and if it is then it's vulnerable to attack very easily.

At the end of the day, it's just clothes. Yes I can understand the desire to look vaguely presentable but as pp have said, nobody else cares as much about how you look as you do yourself (this is true for all of us - we all focus on our own perceived imperfections and actually most of the time nobody else notices or cares). It seems like you're spending a lot of time and energy worrying about this and you could just choose not to. If you're not finding it enjoyable to shop for clothes at the moment then just decide you will order 5 black dresses from the same website (or whatever) and wear whichever looks best for this particular event. Zoom out a bit. You won't be worrying about this on your deathbed, so don't let it take up more of your headspace than it needs to.

Ragamuffin8 · 21/04/2026 12:40

I think it’s ok not to be interested in or follow fashion. Also, some trends don’t suit everyone, like barrel leg trousers/jeans (which look awful on my short apple shaped body).

I think you might find it easier to focus on what is the best style for you, reflecting on your lifestyle and body shape/colouring. Opting for a more classic look.

A style service like this online one: https://www.stylemehappy.co.uk/book-online
can come in handy to give you a shortcut to the shapes and colours most likely to flatter YOU.

I’ve also found some YouTube videos by Hannah Louise Poston helpful, particularly on how to consider lifestyle for your wardrobe, or dressing better. She approaches it in a structured rather than intuitive way.

Please do be kind to yourself OP, would you judge others so harshly for their clothing choices? I know some may do, but most people are more worried about what they look like and their own lives.

Book Online

https://www.stylemehappy.co.uk/book-online

allthingsinmoderation · 21/04/2026 12:45

i think many will identify with your sentiments on feeling you've lost your way in the fashion sense.
Im glad you love your new hair cut as thats a great place to start when you want a reset refresh and it helps your confidence and look in any situation regardless of what you are wearing.
Ive found you tube a good source of ideas with personal stylists galore. Eg: Melissa Murrell .(im a personal stylist for the everyday woman)
As for funerals ,most find them tricky and depends on any requests on attire.
I have a funeral jacket (black well cut and timeless (no high fashion details) that i drag out and put over a plain outfit eg; trousers/skirt and top. shoes plain black.
A weekend in Paris is trickier with so many considerations eg: your preferences,body shape etc. I did find the stylist i mentioned on you tube did give me some ideas.
Nothing beats trying on though.

InfiniteTeas · 21/04/2026 13:20

I've been working my way out of a not-dissimilar wardrobe situation over the last few months. I had plenty of clothes to wear, but realised I was only wearing a few variations of the same thing, with a load of smarter stuff sitting unworn. I also realised that I'd got into the habit of buying things because I already had something like it and knew it worked, rather than looking for different things. I can't even remember what set me off on a major wardrobe overhaul - I think I was just doing a bit of a Vinted/Ebay clearout and kept going!
Whatever it was, I took a bit of a step back and looked at my wardrobe/lifestyle/habits, then actively went and did some research. I found a blog post - I can't remember what it was or I'd link to it - that talked about the tendency to buy and keep clothes that worked for the life you used to have or think you might have in the future, rather than the one you actually have now. it also mentioned scrolling for inspiration and seeing a picture of a smiling, stylish woman walking through London or New York, clutching a takeaway coffee, and imagining yourself doing the same thing in the same sort of clothes. It was quite well written, and it hammered home something that I'd sort of known. I lived and worked in London for years, so I did stride about clutching takeaway cups and wearing smart clothes. I haven't done that in years. I now work for myself, in a creative field, almost entirely at home, save for two mornings when I teach, and the occasional event. I live in a tiny village and most of my time out and about is on the schoolrun - when I rarely get out of the car - and ferrying kids around to activities.
The blog advised looking at the proportions of your wardrobe, ie if most of your time is spent at home or in the car, with 10% of your time doing things that require smart clothes, your wardrobe should reflect that. Off the back of that, I had a much bigger clearout than usual and made myself get rid of things that I would normally put back in the wardrobe 'just in case.' I sold it all on Vinted, and used the balance to start buying on there, which I hadn't done before. Instead of just browsing, I made a list of specific things I needed and searched for them. If something didn't quite work, it went straight back on Vinted. I'm still fine tuning, but I've got to a point where I'm wearing a much bigger proportion of my wardrobe.
I also put a lot of thought into what it is that makes me put something on and take it straight off again, and what it is about some things that I particularly like. I'm an inverted triangle - broad shoulders and large chest, and smaller on the bottom. I've always known I needed a low/wide neck, but before I looked at this properly, I hadn't clocked that the sleeve type/length makes a big difference to whether something suits me. I need a dropped or raglan sleeve, rather than a capped sleeve, and certain lengths/styles don't work at all. So where I've always looked for a particular neckline, I now look at the neckline/sleeve combination and know immediately if something won't suit me. Similarly, I'd figured out that skinny jeans don't really suit me - I look like a lollipop - but I hadn't applied the same reasoning to skirts and dresses. So pencil skirts/straight skirts rarely work - more stuff shifted on Vinted! I also worked out that the right neckline still looks wrong if there's a big expanse of plain fabric at the front. I'm better with something slightly shorter, or with a slight texture or some sort of pattern or graphic.
I spent a bit of time on Pinterest/Instagram, looking for outfit examples, based on specific things I owned and liked - although Pinterest has gone heavily AI, to the point where it's sometimes unusable. That made me start to look at jackets as part of an outfit, rather than an afterthought, and also made me try a couple of colours/styles I might not have thought of before. The beauty of Vinted is you can take a punt on something without spending a load of money. You can also scroll through a lot of versions of something without trawling through multiple sites. I sometimes alter things to suit better, and I'm always reluctant to start hacking into something I've spent a lot of money on, in case my machine has a moment and sucks the fabric inside. With Vinted purchases, I'm more inclined to wade in.
As a result of all this, my wardrobe is now mostly casual, comfortable clothes for working from home/school run/supermarket etc, because that's what I spend most time in, and things that can be dressed up or down, with a much smaller 'definitely smart' section. It's a work in progress, but I like my wardrobe much more than I used to. I think a previous poster mentioned approaching it as a project, and that's what made the difference for me. I had to actually put some time and effort into it, and work out what I wanted and what did and didn't work.

lucillevanpelt · 21/04/2026 14:10

@warmpinkshawl if you are planning to go to M and S, download their app and order some items you think you might like in various sizes to be delivered to the store you are going to. They can often be delivered to store quicker than to your house. Maybe the next day. You can take the parcels in to the changing room, try on and the immediately return anything unsuitable in store.

Next are also good for this approach. Often next day delivery to store.

There is a lot of very “summer summer” stuff in store now, and it might not be what you are looking for. I think people who don’t clothes shop in person very often can come unstuck when they need something urgently as the store seasons can run in advance of the actual weather! But there will be much more choice online that you can order.

Good luck, and much sympathy on the panic response. Particularly the feeling worried if you are going away with a bunch of friends and would like to feel like you fit in with the vibe.

I relate to the challenge of having previously been very into clothes, but now having a sort of dual “don’t care most of the time” but “for some occasions I actually do still care” mindset.

Snowie99 · 21/04/2026 14:16

LizzieSiddal · 21/04/2026 08:52

I’m placemarkimg because I’m exactly the same. So stressful!!

Me too!

Monolithique · 21/04/2026 14:18

I know how you feel. A couple of years back i had a funeral to go to - no black, had to wear a particular colour.

It was a nightmare! Nothing that fitted or suited me in the shops, and I'm not rural or in the middle of nowhere. In the end got something that didn't look good and wasn't comfortable.. worst of both worlds.

ThatWaryLimePeer · 21/04/2026 14:19

I asked ChatGTP what should a 50 year old (guesstimate) should woman pack for a weekend in a Paris next weekend and got the following answer?
. Do you have any of these items? If not could you buy some of them, perhaps choose a colour scheme beforehand,, charcoal, camel, cream, or black, orange, beige and so on.
Most sound like basics you could wear for many occasions.

Starting to massively despair at my clothes shopping … 😭
lucillevanpelt · 21/04/2026 14:27

Finery v-neck dress

This one would negate the need for a jacket/cardigan.

For the funeral do you have an idea about how formal or not it might be? I would say funerals I have attended in recent years have had attendees in quite a variety of styles and even colours. I tend to be conservative and generally stick to black, or black with a neutral. My daughters attended my mum’s funeral in black school trousers and white school blouses, with borrowed cardigans from me! We were happy to see everyone there whatever they wore.

M&S

Ponte Jersey V-Neck Midi Waisted Dress | Finery London | M&S

This elegant dress from Finery London is crafted from ponte jersey for a softly draping silhouette. It's cut in a regular fit, with a figure-flattering waist panel and a feminine v-neck. The long sleeves are gathered at the shoulders for a touch of vol...

https://www.marksandspencer.com/ponte-jersey-v-neck-midi-waisted-dress/p/clp23045704?intid=mobile_app_pdp_share

lucillevanpelt · 21/04/2026 14:33

The sleeveless dress above could be made more formal with a slip underneath, tights and smarter shoes or boots plus a black jacket or black cardigan.

It could also look more relaxed “Parisian chic” with a different (bold?) colour cardigan or jacket plus trainers or flat sandals.

lucillevanpelt · 21/04/2026 14:37

Utility Jacket

If you like teal could you wear this shade of green?

HappyInTheSea · 21/04/2026 14:37

OP, I am so like you. Shopping for clothes is a chore for me. I live by the 'beware all ventures that require new clothes' motto.

That said, to save my sanity I've made a mini wardrobe that will work for any event that needs me to wear something other than my hoody, jeans and trainers.

Here's my 'sanity wardrobe -.

One pair of wide leg dark denim jeans
One pair of wide leg navy trousers
One navy jacket
One jumper (probably navy)
Two long sleeve Tshirts and one short sleeve top to layer under the jumper/jacket
Some smart trainers I feel fab it. Mine are navy - but you guessed that.

One pair of loafer type shoes.
One pair of sandals

The jacket, top, trouser, loafer combo takes me to funerals.

If I were going to Paris I'd live in the jeans and trainers and mix and match tops/jumper/jacket. Perhaps bunging on the sandals for a smart dinner.

I never feel the most fashionable but I feel smartish and I never have to think WTF am I going to wear.

My other tip is to find shops you like. I have two or three where I KNOW I can find what I like and I only shop there. Anything else and I piss myself off.
I browse their websites and get an idea of what I like before I go out shopping. Then I make a day to go and try on stuff. One of the shops is M&S and I always finish my shopping with a trip to their wine and cake aisle.

So sorry for your loss and I hope the funeral isn't too awful for you.

whymadam · 21/04/2026 14:47

Go to a dressmaker, OP. Tell them what you like, need, want. They'll likely be able to help you with what suits / doesn't suit you, and have input re styling an outfit, or just making clothes look better. Most importantly, the clothes will fit! Also, wear the colours you like, never mind having your colours done - honestly, if you get told your best colour is x and it's a colour you hate, are you going to wear it? No.

EmmaStone · 21/04/2026 14:55

I'm sorry this stresses you out OP. I'm 51, have always been interested in fashion, and work in a young trendy corporate world with lots of women also interested in clothes, but I still tend to have a bit of a uniform. I almost exclusively shop in Cos, Uniqlo, Levis (for jeans), M&S. Once I find a Tshirt weight and fit I like, I buy several colours and over the years (for me this is Cos, but I've just bought a Uniqlo one that works too, and is great value).

I dip into Instagram, and my algorithm is clearly set to fashion influencers over the age of 40, and it's REALLY helpful - I particularly like Melissa Murrell.

I really think help here is required - finding out your 'colours' cuts out crap that you never need to wear again, identifying your style will help understand why you'd feel uncomfortable in power suits, but could live in gypsy skirts for example. A John Lewis (or independent) personal shopper should definitely help with that, and hopefully provide insights that you can then take into the future.

PhaedraTwo · 21/04/2026 15:00

allthingsinmoderation · 21/04/2026 12:45

i think many will identify with your sentiments on feeling you've lost your way in the fashion sense.
Im glad you love your new hair cut as thats a great place to start when you want a reset refresh and it helps your confidence and look in any situation regardless of what you are wearing.
Ive found you tube a good source of ideas with personal stylists galore. Eg: Melissa Murrell .(im a personal stylist for the everyday woman)
As for funerals ,most find them tricky and depends on any requests on attire.
I have a funeral jacket (black well cut and timeless (no high fashion details) that i drag out and put over a plain outfit eg; trousers/skirt and top. shoes plain black.
A weekend in Paris is trickier with so many considerations eg: your preferences,body shape etc. I did find the stylist i mentioned on you tube did give me some ideas.
Nothing beats trying on though.

Funerals are not tricky.

Absent specific requests by the family any clean trousers, skirt, jumper, shirt or dress in black, grey, navy, brown or dark green or other subdued colours are fine. Normal outdoor coat or jacket is fine. Trainers are fine.

Nobody outside state or royal funerals is expected to turn up in full, tailored funereal black.

Paris is a huge, populous city, heaving with tourists of all shapes, sizes and predelictions. The effortlessly chic Parisien is a figment of this board.

I love clothes, like the poster who got a ticking off, it's my main interest. There's not a single social or work event (that I'd want to go to - hill walking would defeat me) that I don't have several options in my wardrobe but I don't see it's necessary to make getting dressed so difficult. We all wear clothes.

trainedopossum · 21/04/2026 15:13

Like a pp said, if there’s any way you could get a colour and style analysis it would sort you right out. DH and I had it done and now we sit down with a pile of clothes and try them in different combinations and critique them for each other. If I have something I find hard to wear he can usually identify why and I do the same for him. Neither of us looks like we’re on a cruise lol.
If you have a look at the Kibbe system it’ll give you an idea of what it’s all about.
If at all possible get a professional involved who has the skills to show you what it’s all about (rather than say a FB group which can make it even more confusing). It’s a skill like any other.
Your post reminded me so much of how I used to feel, constantly panic shopping and feeling out of step despite having new stuff, never feeling confident about what suited me.

Oleoreoleo · 21/04/2026 15:15

I might be staying the obvious but it wasn’t obvious to me. Different shops/brands work of different body models. I know (from trying on a lot of clothes) that certain shops suit me, and others don’t. Or that I can wear tops but it’s a waste of time looking at their trousers because the proportions they are using are not mine.

That saves me a lot of time, effort but also angst, because I know it’s not me, it’s the template.

Online shopping is hard unless you already have an idea of what shops suit your proportions because they don’t give proper measurements.

StandingDeskDisco · 21/04/2026 15:48

I also loathe fashion and wear the same kinds of things all the time.
Here's my two-pence worth:

Clothing is a long-term, year-round project. As you are finding, having to buy something with a deadline looming is absolute hell.
It doesn't take much time each couple of months to monitor the wardrobe, but you have to keep on top of it.

As others have said, get your colours analysed. This quite literally changed by life. Then when you go into a shop, get your 'eye in' for your best colours. This immediately eliminates 60-70% or more of the stock, just by looking at colours, without even taking an item off a rail. A narrower choice is more manageable.

Always have the following, at ALL times:

  • Funeral outfit
  • Daytime wedding outfit
  • Evening party / dancing outfit
  • Fancy restaurant outfit for when you need to "make an effort"
  • For all these, jackets to go with them for cold nights
Try on these outfits every few months and if you have outgrown it, get a new one straight away without waiting for the next event to appear. At your age, sadly funerals may start to come a little more frequently.
madaboutpurple · 21/04/2026 15:49

Sorry for your loss OP, do you have pair of black or navy or grey trousers and if so you could wear them with a blouse or jumper and it would save having to buy anything. You might want a jacket if you are wearing a blouse. It sounds like you have had a lot of info about your Paris trip. Enjoy your holiday.

warmpinkshawl · 21/04/2026 16:54

lucillevanpelt · 21/04/2026 14:17

I have a dress almost identical to this. It’s really a casual item, but if I put a black cardigan over it it might be ok. I could try a white collared shirt to break up the black a bit.

OP posts:
warmpinkshawl · 21/04/2026 16:55

lucillevanpelt · 21/04/2026 14:37

Utility Jacket

If you like teal could you wear this shade of green?

I could. And I really like that. Thank you. Would you layer jumpers/cardis underneath it for warmth?

Thank you for the ideas and tips.

OP posts:
Backawayfromthesausage · 21/04/2026 16:57

warmpinkshawl · 21/04/2026 16:54

I have a dress almost identical to this. It’s really a casual item, but if I put a black cardigan over it it might be ok. I could try a white collared shirt to break up the black a bit.

You could, it would be very quirky and not whay I’d advise.

Backawayfromthesausage · 21/04/2026 17:01

warmpinkshawl · 21/04/2026 16:54

I have a dress almost identical to this. It’s really a casual item, but if I put a black cardigan over it it might be ok. I could try a white collared shirt to break up the black a bit.

If this is for the funeral, a simple black blazer over the top and keep it on, will work.

warmpinkshawl · 21/04/2026 17:01

I will definitely get my colours done. The idea of less but more specific choice really appeals to me. I’ve made a list of shops mentioned by various posters and have already bought items to try from Uniqlo. And I am sorting out my cupboard. I’m so tired of this cycle.

OP posts: