Starting to massively despair at my clothes shopping … 😭

[warmpinkshawl]

Anyone else like this …?

I’m realising this is why I’ve slid into a ‘uniform’ of old jeans, hoodies and shabby sneakers. Thus us what I’ve worn for over ten years.

When a wedding or event comes along, it turns into a monumentally stressful shopping experience where I panic buy items I find uncomfortable, unsure suit me, and likely never wear again.

I have two events: a funeral on Friday and a weekend in Paris next weekend. I’ve been browsing online for days and woke up at 5 am this morning to continue scrolling and discovered my panic purchase for the funeral won’t arrive in time. I then panic purchased a pair of shoes I think look nice for meals out and the funeral, but already have doubts.

I wish I could break this cycle and be confident in what I wear.

I recently had a haircut I love and it inspired me to try hard again to ‘raise the bar’. But I’m hitting a familiar wall now and dreading the events, and just feeling tired and down about it. My DH just doesn’t have this …

Uuuugh!!

Just a sisterly shoulder squeeze from me @warmpinkshawl , as I'm similarly Shit At Clothes.

I have had a serious illness followed by a major lifestyle change recently, and now feel even more at sea! I've booked a John Lewis stylist appointment - sadly had to cancel the first I booked, then John Lewis cancelled the second one, and I'm going to have to cancel the one I currently have booked for this week as the tube strikes mean I can't get there 🙁 I'll get there in the end, and I'm really hoping it will be as helpful as everyone says it is!

Do you have a John Lewis within travelling distance?

I can relate to this as I’m constantly searching for the perfect items and have been known to stress before going away as it takes me long enough to get ready for the day let alone have to decide in advance what I’m wearing for multiple days.

It’s taken years of trial and error to work out what suits me and how fashionable I want to be, and then fashions keep changing and I get older so it’s a lot. But these days I can pack for a trip without too much fuss.

I think one thing that’s helped me is really trying to understand what will blend effortlessly into my wardrobe and what is a nice to have or even a miss. Just because I like it doesn’t mean it will work hard for me. I know a pair of nice trainers will get way more than some dressy shoes.

I know AI is controversial but ChatGPT is helpful with that. It knows what I’m trying to achieve (minimal stress), and can advise accordingly. You can upload pictures too. It just advised me on the right size jeans to buy online and they fit perfectly. And it’s not sure about a jacket I just bought. I like it but that’s giving me food for thought.

With Paris or any big city, there are millions of people including loads of tourists wearing all sorts of stuff so it’s very hard to look out of place.

When I do have to go to an event I invariably end up in trousers, soft wide ones, black if I can get away with it (and a black top). If not black then a dark blue or green. I can’t believe how much I used to love clothes to how I now only wear a basic leggings and top every single day (for about the last ten years). I will probably go for a floaty trouser suit in pale pink though if my son and gf get married. I have already given this hypothetical wedding much thought through my stressing about the clothes aspect. 🤦‍♀️

If you live rurally and can only shop online realistically I'd go for decent cut and fabric because you can't try millions of things on and you've got a better chance of something draping better or fitting better if it's good quality.

You don't say how old you are or your budget. But I do think Me + Em have it cracked with their cut and fabric (although recently the finish isn't quite as good). So youve got a high chance that something ordered online will look good.

I'd personally avoid patterns and if you are not good at colours go for navy or black. Camel or white in the summer. Dresses are easy as they don't require too much styling. If you have a tummy go for a higher waistline. Ballet flats. Sunglasses and nice jewellery (if you haven't got any M&S or Oliver Bonas do nice stuff very reasonably).

Paris...Id personally wear head to toe navy or black, sunglasses, ballet flats or trainers. In non clingy fabrics. Keep it simple.

I find city breaks very hard to dress for so I totally feel your pain. I’ve actually used chat gpt for the last couple I’ve been in - I asked what cool girls were wearing in Oslo, say, fed in my itinerary and my budget and asked it for suggestions and links to items. It wasn’t perfect but it gave me some good ideas. Also, you can’t go wrong with M&S at the moment so don’t dismiss it! My young cool colleague was telling me all the stuff she bought from there this weekend.

Hmm … I follow and love fashion. I’ve never once in my life felt any pressure to maintain an elusive out of reach standard!

I just buy what I like. But I keep a constant and continuous interest in evolving style - scarcely a day goes by when I don’t glance at either a shop site or an online article in a newspaper or Vogue Runway (as was) or instagram (though I don’t engage at all there, just observe - and definitely don’t follow influencers, just brands).

For me it’s always astonishing to open an S&B thread where the OP claims not only to have bought no clothes in a decade, but also not to have engaged with, noticed, or bothered at all with global clothing industry / art / craft at any level over that time outside their own wardrobe. Not looking at portraits in galleries; not noticing how characters are dressed in films or on TV, not glancing at the fashion page in her online Sunday newspaper …

It’s then such a mountain to climb when that poster needs a new outfit for an interview or wedding or their child’s graduation. They look in the mirror and see all sorts of perceived flaws, (which they haven’t been practising to dress over the past decade); insist that they will only shop from the places they knew in a previous century; and are indignant that prices have gone up exponentially. It sometimes feels cruel to me that they expect people on S&B to work miracles for them.

But I do sympathise with having to buy several new things at once. That isn’t easy for anyone. And even I found shopping for funeral wear difficult. I had clothes ready for the recent family funeral I had to organise, but helping other family members with clothes at a time when I had no mental energy for it was hard. If it’s a last minute thing you will invariably find nothing in the shops - so need to be flexible; maybe buy separates rather than the dress one has imagined.

As for a trip away - take your best fitting and newest jeans and hoodies. Spend your time there observing and browsing the shops.

M and S is great at the moment. Trousers are particularly good. And they've really improved the fabrics and are more likely to avoid random bits of crochet which used to drive me mad on an otherwise really nice dress or top.

@warmpinkshawl I relate to this and here’s my two cents!

1. don’t do what i did and decide you’re going to become Jackie Onassis overnight 😁 you won’t feel like you! instead of trying to reinvent your style, try polishing it a bit - so jeans, but really well fitting, good quality non-stretch denim, and a modern shape and rise. Sneakers - new, clean ones, with a bit of colour perhaps, but comfortable and easy to wear. Sweatshirt - a beautiful merino jumper or hoodie is just as easy to chuck on but looks and feels lovely.

If that feels too overwhelming, if you go to a John Lewis stylist and say ‘i want an elevated version of what i‘m currently wearing’ they’ll be able to help you out.

2. spend some time working out what you DON’T like. I find this much easier than trying to pin down what i do like because i have quite eclectic tastes. But on my ‘nope’ list are both specific items that i find uncomfortable or don’t feel right in (heels, wrap skirts, loafers, etc) and overall vibes/aesthetics and that i don’t necessarily dislike but don’t feel like me (biker/rock, too much flounce and feminine details, anything too classic, etc.)

As to your more immediate issues! funeral - black wide leg trousers and a black linen shirt. Flat black shoes - mary janes are all over the place at the moment and work well with many outfits. Paris - above jeans and sweater formula, but pack the aforementioned black trousers and black shoes too so you can wear them in the evenings with a nicer top - i always like silk or satin shirts for this as they don’t scream ‘look at me, i’m all dressed up’ but feel a bit luxurious.

Above all, breathe! you’ve got this ☺️

eta - also, if you give us an idea of your height and size and colouring, we might be able to suggest shops/styles that would work well.

I’m not very good at clothes but I do have a funeral outfit. Just a black kneelength dress with three quarter sleeves to wear with either black flats or heels depending on smartness level.

find one of those and keep it.

Dresses are the easiest thing I find - find a shape that suits you from a shop you like in material that doesn’t make you sweat. I get things from Boden as I know their sizing works for me and it goes from very casual to much smarter but I don’t have to think about coordinating. Wool dresses in winter with tights.

I like clothes but still spend most of my time in trackies, t shirts and a warm sweatshirt as they are comfortable. But when I meet up with a friend or go out for a meal, I have outfits that suit me and I can combine. I have several wool jumpers and cardigans which I combine with striped or linen shirts. A decent belt will lift the outfit. Wide/barrel leg suits me so have couple pairs of jeans and cords. For summer, I have some voluminous trousers or slouchy wide leg linen ones. A couple of zip tops and a cardigan if colder. I’ll never win any fashion prizes but it’s a look that suits me and is easy to throw together. A scarf, and nice belt lifts it. For city breaks, I wear t shirts and hiking trousers for sightseeing-Montane do fantastic cuts. And change into normal clothes in the evening. Don’t even think about cancelling the break-no one will be looking at you. And surely, a plain black dress and dark coat will be fine for a funeral? Don’t overthink it. Keep it simple.

This is excellent advice and should stop you having to worry about what you are wearing as it's a sort of uniform which is smart and feels current.

I think people like you and I are poles apart.

The fact you follow and love fashion is why you don’t experience what I do.

The fact you almost every day engage with fashion is why you don’t experience these stresses.

I do the same with trading. I’m on the stock markets every single day. I check my stocks multiple times a day. I actively engage with them. But I also fully understand that if someone doesn’t do this, trading is stressful and a mystery to them.

Same thing with politics. I’m quite up to speed on political issues.

But here’s the rub. Trading, political interests etc, is a choice. No one will judge anyone if they choose to not trade or geek over politics. But dressing is not a choice and it’s riddled with judgement. I can sense it in your post.

I might have unfairly inferred something in your last comment, but I’m sensing irritation with numpties like me seeking help on S&B. Am I right?

It would be kinder to not try help people struggling if you find them frustrating. I’m sure there are enough fashionistas on the board too to engage with instead.

I’m going to have a cup of tea, look through some of these links, then come back.

Thank you all. I have future goals in mind even if I’m still struggling with the immediate hump.

OP, if you’re trading, I assume you have some disposable income for clothes. Look at websites to see which look you like. For example, I love Toast and their jumpers and trousers suit me but to some people on here, they’d rather pull their nails out than look like a librarian. Maybe MeandEm is more your style-more tailoring and polished but easy to wear. Massimo Dutti and Mango. I also agree with thinking about the colours which suit you. Do you prefer bold and saturated or soft? Are you curvy or slim? Long legs and short waist or long torso? That will give you a pointer as to what may suit you. And don’t stress about what is fashionable.

Why don’t you look at sites like me and em, or Reiss, and then try to replicate what you see in places like m &s or next?

if You say your age, height, dress size and budget, plus what sort of activities you are doing people can help you, but note there are folks who post on here who also wear very dated outfits, like them and suggest them.

current right now is wide leg or straight trousers/jeans. Midi skirts or dresses, coming to bottom of calf, close fitting tops to go with the wider trousers, skirts tend to the loose flared style. Jackets are either fitted or blouson style, blazers are still current. Foot wear tends to be still flat, but more wearing heels again, loafers, backless mule loafers, ballet style flats, all current. Trainers white is becoming dated, a move to cream, tan, and coloured.

but again you don’t need to do it alone, people on here can help if you provide the detail specific to you.

Just seen your response, OP, and no, I don’t feel irritation (though it wouldn’t matter if I did) but more a sort of repeated sense of being unable to help. And your reference to stocks and shares is very apposite.

To add to my previous post - definitely don’t cancel your trip! Absolutely no one in Paris will be minutely judging your outfits as long as you meet the minimum standard of things being clean and ironed. Don’t stress about it.

I may have skimmed much of what everyone is saying about going into physical shops; I’ve shopped 95% online for the past fifteen years and my very rare forays into shopping malls / JL /etc have confirmed that there’s nothing satisfactory in them. I don’t understand why people persist in dragging themselves around these wastelands when they could be browsing an entire world of shops and brands online - with no limitations on colour, size, styles or prices.

The fact is, to feel relaxed about clothes shopping you need to be putting in at least the bare minimum of time and observation consistently, even when you’re not intending to buy. That way you always know what’s available at every price point, you become accustomed to evolving styles and proportions, you’re constantly encountering things that will update what you already own. (The idea that people who care about clothes throw everything out every season is unspeakably ridiculous.) Regular engagement honestly does make everything so much easier.

You clearly have style...but maybe lacking a little kindness? Or understanding?

@warmpinkshawl , I hear you.

Situations can impact this. Whilst working in the city, Chelsea, Islington, I saw people and absorbed current trends/shapes etc. Via osmosis. So although not great at colours/style etc I wasn't clueless.

WFH and then in education, I don't see people /trends. Osmosis ain't happening.

And SN children/elderly in-laws...forgive me if I have no time to look at a style magazine (which I don't get) vs a gardening one (which brings me peace) in the few moments I get for myself. Again, no osmosis.

Add in a super critical, abusive mother which has instilled a fear of "not being perfect to the outside world" then yes, anxiety over fashion choices are real. And not just a "can't be bothered" anxiety, but a Fight or Flight response anxiety.

So I do not see why the "astonishment " at reaching out for advise from people on a style and beauty board for guidance.

*I see you have edited your response @Eucatastrophilia to soften it. And added another, less exasperated one....

OP I would just have a look at the new and tending sections on next, m&s etc and copy the outfits. Here are some I think would work in Paris and you can pair them with comfy shoes.

There's so much more to life that clothes. For some, it's a huge part of who they are, for others - like you (and me!) - it's just something else to stress about.

If you live in casual clothes, that's probably who you are, so having to find outfits for events is always going to be a pain because it's not what you wear day to day. I for one could not be arsed wearing an 'outfit' every day. I just wouldn't feel comfortable.

For me, a spray tan, manicured nails, lash extensions and brows waxed and tinted are the key to making me feel fab. I have a couple of decent handbags on rotation too. I've came to realise clothes just aren't my thing.

Never heard of most of the brands mentioned on here. If it's didn't exist in the 90s/00s then I've not heard of it! I live even more rurally than you and it would take hours to get to a city with these shops.

Enjoy Paris! You'll have a fab time, no matter what you're wearing.

Hmm - again! Very difficult if people come to a S&B board seeking advice, and then not only accuse people who enjoy clothes of being fashionistas but assume they don’t have family responsibilities or elderly parents or … I mentioned I had recently had to organise a family funeral - you gave not a second of thought to that before laying into me, @ConfusedSoShutUp. Truly unpleasant.

Hope you find what you need, OP.

Such a good idea

Maybe you need a process to make it all easier?
So start with shoes, do you like flats, mid heels, trainers?
Now work your outfits around the shoes you pick - for Paris maybe trainers for day and a mid heel for evening?
Then figure out what you feel comfortable in wearing with those shoes, most people wear trainers with everything now, I think it casuals everything up.
Then I’d also choose a colour palette - that way whatever you choose will all mix and match.
Buy a shortish jacket, jeans, t shirts, shirts, jumper, thermal vests for day
Buy your favourite style of trousers, skirt or a dress for evening.
Don’t forget belts, earrings, necklaces, scarves, bags and bracelets are great for making you look more together - pick silver or gold, buy one of each for day and evening and get a scarf in a pop of colour that you love.
This weekend we’ve been away and I’ve seen people in black roll necks with jeans and boots, to summer dresses and sandals, so take heart and believe that anything goes, I do understand the overwhelm, I’ve also thought it’s easier to cancel a weekend away and I love clothes, so it isn’t just you.

Oh and for the funeral, I have one funeral dress (Next, years ago, just below the knee, V neck, pockets, skimming and I wear it for them all, sadly I’m at that age where I seem to go to more funerals than weddings or parties). It looks good with bare legs or tights, a jacket or coat. I don’t wear it for anything else. It’s like this…

Yes, truly unpleasant to be frustrated or irritated with a poster, not knowing enough aboit what is going on in their life. Or you do...like the OP stating they have a funeral on Friday.

Editing your initial post to soften this helps/may mitigate this now. But not if the OP see it (she clearly read your first unedited post, as did I).

OP I had an epiphany one day after a similar panic.
I realised that in fact I already owned clothes that would make decent outfits if I took the time to go through them and put them together. What I DIDN'T have were a couple of pairs of decent shoes or trainers that went with those outfits. So whatever I put on my feet ruined the rest of it.
So I got some black brogues and ankle boots. They cover most bases, and they are for when my usual trainers won't cut it.
Summer is easier to sort with some flat sandals.