Starting to massively despair at my clothes shopping … 😭

[warmpinkshawl]

Anyone else like this …?

I’m realising this is why I’ve slid into a ‘uniform’ of old jeans, hoodies and shabby sneakers. Thus us what I’ve worn for over ten years.

When a wedding or event comes along, it turns into a monumentally stressful shopping experience where I panic buy items I find uncomfortable, unsure suit me, and likely never wear again.

I have two events: a funeral on Friday and a weekend in Paris next weekend. I’ve been browsing online for days and woke up at 5 am this morning to continue scrolling and discovered my panic purchase for the funeral won’t arrive in time. I then panic purchased a pair of shoes I think look nice for meals out and the funeral, but already have doubts.

I wish I could break this cycle and be confident in what I wear.

I recently had a haircut I love and it inspired me to try hard again to ‘raise the bar’. But I’m hitting a familiar wall now and dreading the events, and just feeling tired and down about it. My DH just doesn’t have this …

Uuuugh!!

You nailed it with the ‘Flight or flight’ reference. That is EXACTLY how I feel. Panic. Anxiety. Fear.

I took a break to have a proper bawl - feeling absurd and ridiculous to reach that point - and DH has said he’ll give me some cash to go shopping.

I DO have money from trading to go shopping, but it’s tied up, and I’m not ready to part with the stocks that haven’t done what I want them to do - di at least my bawl produced a beneficial return. 🥴

OP - I just came along to say I went through this a few years ago (I'm 51, I'm not saying it's necessarily age related) and I found it very frustrating. Then I realised the reason I was having trouble was I was trying to make myself care about something I just don't actually care about. At one point I was really into fashion/ style, but I basically just wear a uniform now (I won't tell you what it is because everyone would be horrified), and I handmake things (I can get interested in sewing/ knitting patterns and fabric/ wool the same way I used to get interested in shopping). It's surprising how few clothes you need, no-one treats me any differently (I often get compliments in fact), it works really well. For the last funeral I went to I just bought a navy dress from Boden in the sale and accepted it would be a bit disposable (I've worn it to an interview since). It of course makes it easier that I work from home, but I just wanted to say that you can opt out, and it's absolutely fine. I'm really enjoying focusing on what I'm doing rather than what I'm wearing - for so many years I did the opposite, which was also fun, but this is a nice change!

I am so similar, and same age and recently had an epiphany too. I was struggling so much as I was trying to wear things that I’d seen in other people as I felt they were ‘in’ even though I wasn’t comfortable in them. Like a mask almost. And that’s why it wasn’t working and was wrong. So, I have decided I like gipsy style tops, dresses with colour in similar shape, wide leg trousers and jeans. Mainly with trainers. I do have a plain black dress for funerals. The key was stopping trying to dressing how I felt I was expected to and instead dressing for what I liked. And even if I don’t look ‘fashionable’ (hate that word) I look better as I’m comfortable in my own skin, which was something I never was.

best of luck

oh, and don’t believe the myth that everyone us stylish in Paris. Granted there are chic people but also many bog standard ‘normal’ people, just like here. Dress for comfort as you’ll likely do a lot of walking

Op can I ask gently if you’re happy with your weight. I ask because when I’ve struggled with clothes it has been as I’ve gained weight, and I struggle to dress myself, as my focus is on hiding the fat, as much as looking good, and current styles feel uncomfortable.

Is it really lack of knowledge on fashion or current trends, or is it a level of discomfort with dressing your body, as both have different responses.

Thank you for re-visiting your comments. I appreciate it. I was stung, but I hate arguing on MN and it’s easy to misread tone.

I did find your comments thought provoking. For example, art, films, TV as a source of fashion. I can honestly say I NEVER observe or process what people are wearing unless fashion is explicitly the point of the program (for example, Villanelle in ‘Killing Eve’). Otherwise it’s about the setting, plot and dialogue for me.

I imagine if you read culture in that way, you probably read people at events and parties or in streets the same way.

It’s the knowing that people NOTICE that is bloody hard and intimidating.

Clothes have to be an active determined effort for me. Like studying for an exam. They are just not on my wavelength.

I don’t buy fashion magazines because I’ll flip through them for 10 minutes slightly bored and then be annoyed I wasted money on them. As my teen has got older, I’m glad she isn’t picking them up and taking on ‘harmful’ messaging.

So I think, if you can imagine how you’d feel in an area completely out of your interest and comfort zone, but surrounded by a feeling you ‘should’ know it and you’ve ‘failed’ if you haven’t, you might have more of a sense of where people like me are.

Fashion is cruel in that sense. Irrespective of everyone saying ‘wear what you like’, I’m willing to bet every single human has said at some point ‘What the hell is she wearing?’. Answer: probably something she liked. It doesn’t stop the judgement. It’s the assessment/judgement that we KNOW is there that’s hard.

I’m not good at it either, I literally bought the stuff the displayed on the models in the shop and then a bought a couple more tops to go with each bottom half. I stuck to a few colours as I’d read about doing that (denim, navy, cream, beige plus one stripy top).

Thank you to everyone for all your comments. It’s made me feel a bit better just airing it out. More details about me and some if it is positive …

Age 54. I’m not menopausal yet but I have gained some weight and my body has changed to a point I want to diet and lose a bit, but not to a point where I am miserable about it. No one would describe me as overweight and I think I give an impression of tall slimness still.

Height: 5ft8

Size: I’m on the edge of a size 14 - usually a little big for me, but 12 now too tight.

Face: I used to wear foundation and mascara everyday. But Covid stopped that and my skin improved dramatically. I’m bare faced all the time, and I do have a good fairly even complexion. Not many wrinkles at all.

My hair used to be to my waist but it was dragging me down. It’s now layered at the front and to below my armpits and everyone telling me I look much younger. Hence the boost to ‘make more of an effort’.

I used to look good in black, but I think it ages me now and gives my skin a greyish cast. Navy and teal colours make my eyes pop and do suit me. Mustard yellows and some greens make me look very ill.

I won’t wear heels ever again in my life.

I am an extremely accomplished knitter, so I have some wrap accessories that are special and unusual and draw comment. Other than that my preferred fantasy style would be simple: nice jeans/trousers and a top. Lovely cardi or easy to wear jacket. If I wore a dress, it would be one I’d make myself.

The reality is old jeans and jumpers I’ve snatched in a hurry from Next that might be 10 years old and totally shapeless or bobbled. Or a hoodie. Battered old sneakers or fancy hand knitted socks in crocs (the last only at home or at friends ).

I do have a funeral dress, but it’s now too tight. So I have to find something for Friday. Paris - the pressure is the people I’ll be with: nice hotel and well dressed expensive clothes. I’d feel mortified wearing what I do at home going out to dinner with them.

I’m going to head to M&S this afternoon, reassured by comments here. I’ll be looking for a good jacket/coat I can casually wear while out and about over a cardi.

I need smarter sneakers that will be comfortable for walking. In a neutral colour. There’s a Clark’s at the mall too, and a Schuh I think…? And a Next.

But thank you all for helping. ♥️

ETA: My body shape - I used to be a bit pear shaped with narrow shoulders. But I’ve noticed V-necks suit me more than higher necklines, whereas before it used to be the other way around. I think collared shirts are quite flattering on me too.

I would buy a plain Boden dress from Vinted/ ebay for the funeral. And for Paris I would just upgrade what you normally wear, so a new pair of jeans, smarter trainers, maybe a quality jumper instead of a hoody etc. Uniqlo for hoody/jumper and H and M for the jeans and any sports shop for the trainers. A new backpack eg Roka, if you're not into handbags. You don't have to be fashiony if you don't want to.

Throw away the bobbly jumpers. Throw them

Wear your nicer jumpers day to day. Get a couple of "special" jumpers for Paris. And after Paris, wear them every week!

@warmpinkshawl Clothes have to be an active determined effort for me. Like studying for an exam. They are just not on my wavelength.

I think a lot of people are, or were, like this. I'm certainly not naturally stylish, I have to make a consistent effort too. It gets easier with practice, like everything. You just need the drive to improve. I can actually understand the frustration from PP(s) because you posted a thread asking for help so you clearly have the desire or the drive to improve, but then you seem to be annoyed at having to make an effort.

No need to buy fashion magazines. You have access to the whole internet. There is also nothing wrong with having a 'uniform' (more optimistically called a personal style). Mine is wide leg trousers/barrel leg jeans, Nike Dunks and a wool(-blend) jumper. I have this outfit in various colours and can make multiple combinations. No effort (once you've made the initial effort to choose shapes and colours you like and that suit you) but looks stylish.

I'd order trousers and jeans and jackets from Uniqlo and return what doesn't work. I can't find anything in M&S physical shops but there is loads I like the look of on their website.

Avoid styled by Susie, they got me completely wrong and wouldn't refund me when I said none of the colours suited me. Wasted £65!

I've heard better things about Style Me Happy

I am genuinely not annoyed at making an effort. In my OP, I said I’ve spent days trying to do this. I am disheartened by the lack of progress despite hours of effort.

I don’t like to ‘think’ about fashion but I do like to look nice / current so I basically have a ‘uniform’

Wide & carrot leg jeans in multiple colours, a trench, utility jacket, pretty blouses (have a couple of isabel marant, worth the investment), a striped shirt, t-shirts, nice fashion runners (h&m, m&s) , loafers will all work for a weekend away.

In winter add ankle boots and sweatshirts / knits instead of t-shirt/ shirts.

You are pretty much dressed for most days / nights there.

Replace the jeans with wide black trousers, the runners with loafers and the pretty blouse with a black blouse and you are dressed for a funeral.

For evening, I buy 2 dresses as the seasons change and I wear them to death. I keep it simple - this one from Cos is a recent buy. I bought it in brown but you mention teal and it sounds like I’m a similar shape to you. www.cos.com/en-ie/women/womenswear/dresses/mididresses/product/twist-detail-jersey-midi-dress-blue-1327026002?utm_campaign=cos_ie__conversion___transaction_google_pmax_brand-catchall___precis&country=ie&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23445929968&gbraid=0AAAAACjhQGnTxsirv-e-OPj99Kj5E5z-W&gclid=CjwKCAjwwJzPBhBREiwAJfHRnYKoA0C9MaaOgtAt-YWM4nUsBVaxLbtxtydZnRiaDLe3smWL6XB6YxoCjDoQAvD_BwE

Stop trying to create looks and lean into a uniform. It’s really boring but it works for those of us who don’t want to think about clothes. And throw out the old jeans and runners - you deserve better

Where’s your nearest big shopping centre and department store? I would seriously take a morning or afternoon maybe with a friend whose style you admire and go in shops you’ve never been in before, like Arket, Cos and All Saints. A stylist will tell you what styles and colours suit you. If you browse in M&S with no focus you won’t find much. And set a budget and stick to it. Most shops offer Klarna etc in store if you don’t mind paying that way.

Can completely relate to this. I live in the same jeans/jumpers most of the year then panic when an event comes up or it's summer - I seem to be particularly bad at summer clothes. A few years ago I went to a friend's hen weekend (completely casual so no worries there - jeans and jumpers fine!) but I noticed from everyone's shoes lined up in the hallway that I was the only one of around 16 women to not be wearing white trainers. Not only was I not wearing them, I had no idea they were a thing. And this was at the point that they were gradually going out of fashion (so I'm told). I have zero skills in this area 😂

Summer clothes are really hard. Mostly our summers are not that hot so i lean into white jeans or linen trousers - wide at the moment - with various tops.

Someone else's funeral isn't a fashion show, come on

Your uniform sounds along the lines of what I would wear. I’d love a good utility jacket. Do you have recommendations.

I’ve just ordered three jumpers from Uniqlo. If they fit and I like them, I’ll chuck three out.

I did a shopping session with a stylist years ago, actually trying on session because I couldn’t afford clothes and the stylist, but it was very helpful.

One of the things I realised also was that there are certain shops that cater to slightly older ladies, for the kind of events that require hats, shoes and coordination. They generally do alterations as well or have an arrangement with a local business. Ask around, you may have to travel but it’s still easier than trying to get all the bits yourself.

Alterations are key - if you can shop with someone who knows what’s possible, it vastly expands the range of clothes that will work for you.

As for your uniform - it’s great if you know what works for you. You can boost the quality, change colour, change small things to rest your comfort and its utility.

Our summers are not that hot? They have been for the last few years!

I love shopping and have overcome a shopping addiction 😅 I would happily assist if you wanted to private message me!

Look at style me happy, it's affordable, around £40 for a colour analysis and there's a Facebook page you can follow for tips and inspiration etc. You can also get a shape analysis which again is affordable. I found it has stopped me buying things that don't suit colour wise and your wardrobe becomes a collection of things that go together more easily.

I think you need to stop worrying so much about what other people are thinking about you. It’s only really since I turned 50 that I’ve been able to do this. Instead, think about what will make you feel good inside, what will make you stop treating yourself so harshly.

I don’t follow trends particularly closely, I look for clothes (especially my bottom half) in shapes that I know suit me. So I won’t be wearing anything barrel shaped, but I do look at women’s magazines, and online, for up to date ideas on colours, details and accessories etc. I also look out for pieces that I know will help disguise my flabby tummy, a leftover from weight loss, without making me look like I’m wearing a tent. And don’t forget the role of underwear in looking & feeling great. I swear by Spanx high-waisted knickers & shorts; miracle workers for me! Flattering foundation garments are so important, in my opinion.

I also found that getting my ‘colours done’ quite helpful. I used to wear pretty much nothing but black, so knowing the colours which brighten my eyes & don’t drain my skin has been good. I’m more adventurous with colours now and I love it.

I’m now venturing into coloured trainers. Wish me luck!

I hope you’ll stop being so hard on yourself and find the clothes that will make you feel great about yourself.

Yes for some cooler than usual looks - The kooples, Maje , Sandro. But M&S and Mint velvet have some lovely versions.

This one from ASOS is very versatile. www.asos.com/asos-design/asos-design-formal-four-pocket-parka-in-olive/prd/208018260?affid=29598&_CjwKCAjwwJzPBhBREiwAJfHRnVz74GWPjVDVSWvOAsw2Mq4OigeWliS9A76C8hx7z2_q_Xqu_qfGFBoCEdYQAvD_BwE&channelref=product+search&ppcadref=22701734827%7C%7C&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=22701734827&utm_content=&utm_term=&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22691981997&gbraid=0AAAAADqFjODm930-yfJJcmTtbmdIFbrOs&gclid=CjwKCAjwwJzPBhBREiwAJfHRnVz74GWPjVDVSWvOAsw2Mq4OigeWliS9A76C8hx7z2_q_Xqu_qfGFBoCEdYQAvD_BwE