Starting to massively despair at my clothes shopping … 😭

[warmpinkshawl]

Anyone else like this …?

I’m realising this is why I’ve slid into a ‘uniform’ of old jeans, hoodies and shabby sneakers. Thus us what I’ve worn for over ten years.

When a wedding or event comes along, it turns into a monumentally stressful shopping experience where I panic buy items I find uncomfortable, unsure suit me, and likely never wear again.

I have two events: a funeral on Friday and a weekend in Paris next weekend. I’ve been browsing online for days and woke up at 5 am this morning to continue scrolling and discovered my panic purchase for the funeral won’t arrive in time. I then panic purchased a pair of shoes I think look nice for meals out and the funeral, but already have doubts.

I wish I could break this cycle and be confident in what I wear.

I recently had a haircut I love and it inspired me to try hard again to ‘raise the bar’. But I’m hitting a familiar wall now and dreading the events, and just feeling tired and down about it. My DH just doesn’t have this …

Uuuugh!!

Thank you so much - that is very kind of you & has lifted my mood!

Your list of duplicates made me laugh - although I have lots of unusual vintage one-offs & more striking pieces, I too buy things on repeat once I find something I like!! I probably have about ten versions of the Whistles Annie sparkle jumper; three pairs of Jigsaw Portland trainers; six Jigsaw "Crocus" silky skirts; five pairs of Levi 724 straight-leg jeans ... & as for my bra & knicker drawer!!!* 😁

The phrase that stuck out for me was "it's just maths" - because it is; we just have slightly different formulae!! Even the supposedly super-fashionable types, who encourage people to think they just threw things together to look that fabulous, have their equations ...

*My underwear drawer formula has, in one way, changed quite drastically over the years though. When I was slimmer & my cup size was smaller, it used to be rows of matching, colour-coordinated bra & knicker sets from Aubade, Chantelle etc in greens, reds, rusts, black, navy, flesh tones etc. It gave me joy to open my that drawer every morning!! Now it is similarly colour-coordinated - but my cup size is an F so those lacy fripperies don't really come in my size, & if they do the matching pants are high-cut/Brazilian/thongs etc - which I feel insecure in & prefer big smooth pants! So it's now all either black or beige, plain & boring!!

I know it wont help you know OP but as soon as you can, book a colour and style appointment with an accredited stylist.It'll make life so much easier because you're given guides for colours that suite you and clothing examples for your shape and style. It changed my life and means that i can now walk into a shop, waltz by the unsuitable stuff and instantly spot the stuff that'll look great.

I agree in part, but think that it's possible to be critical in a constructive way, without being as rude as some people are on S&B. And I will now (attempt to) not comment if I hate something.

I realised this after once commenting on a shockingly bright, graphically patterned outfit that someone had suggested - which I said made my retinas bleed. Unfortunately it wasn't just a random suggestion; she had just bought it herself ... & I felt like shit for offending her ... 🙈

I also think it's slightly different with books & films. We don't wear them everyday; we're not associated with them. They're also optional in our lives, which (unless you're a staunch nudist) isn't the case with clothes. Being consciously rude about someone's choice of clothes is, to me, one step away from commenting on (what you consider to be) their physical flaws. It's personal.

Oh, & (God help me too!!!) I believe I would be categorised as a "soft autumn" ... 😁🍁🍃

I Google Lensed that green top and dress as it's lovely. There's a dress in the same fabric - way more than I'd ever pay for a dress and I've no occasion atm to wear it for. But it is gorgeous 🥰

Ah, the Liberty silk top & skirt! Yes, I love them too. The top appeared on Vinted recently in my size & I didn't hit BUY quickly enough ... 😕

I did post lots of much more affordable stuff (H&M, Other Stories etc) - it was more to give an idea of similar skirts, co-ords, jackets etc - all from lots of different places, but that would work together.

I agree in part, but think that it's possible to be critical in a constructive way,
Yes it's possible, in fact if I dislike something, I normally try and stick to 'That's not my thing'. But sometimes that's not helpful either and I still think it's ok to not to be constructive sometimes. We're not professional critics, we're just people talking about clothes.

I also think it's slightly different with books & films. We don't wear them everyday; we're not associated with them. They're also optional in our lives, which (unless you're a staunch nudist) isn't the case with clothes.
Strong disagree. I find it hard not to take it as a personal affront if someone doesn't like Jane Austen or Billy Wilder.

Apologies for quoting my own post but I’m too late to edit and I wanted to add that I would still defend anyone’s right to be rude about Austen or Wilder.

I don't find books or films optional in my life either, & I find it very odd that some people do. But that's because they are also among my passions. I would still argue that those are optional interests, though - that's the distinction between those things & clothing ...!

My neighbour is a Professor of Film Studies. We bicker over films regularly (Perfect Days & Tár, currently) ... but quite enjoy it!! (I love both, he does not!)

Maybe we'll have to start a different thread ...

i had to replace my entire wardrobe last year after losing a significant amount of weight. When I was larger i panic bought last minute and avoided going places as i had nothing to wear so i decided i had to change my approach to clothes now so i never go through that again.

my basic rules - only have clothes that fit, have everything organised so you can see it (my wardrobe is organised by clothing type, sleeve length etc now) and take carenof your clothes so everything is always clean, ironed, ready to wear.

then i made sure i had basics like good underwear, wide legged trousers in black and navy (marks wide legged jersey ones are great) jeans i feel comfortable in, basic vest and Tshirts in plain colours plus comfortable nice white trainers, a pair of loafers, and a pair of boots.

Ive found it much easier now i have these basics as i only need to buy accent pieces. So a good trench, a smart denim jacket, some jersey dresses (i got these from boden) and then a few blouses and tops.

i have found knitted jackets really useful - can smarten up jeans and a tshirt and trainers, but also nice over trousers or a dress, or can be layered for warmth.

hobbs has became my favourite store - feels classic, good quality, i find the store assistant’s helpful, loads of their clothes coordinate, and they have nice shoes and accessories to make a nice capsule wardrobe. Online shops like boden and hobbs are good at showing how to style into outfit suggestions so if you find an item you like it will show you coordinating items and different looks which may be helpful.

https://www.boden.com/products/women-chunky-chevron-knitted-jacket-camel-k1160cam

https://www.hobbs.com/product/sasha-knitted-jacket/0126-9108-9083L00-NAVY.html

I think one of the harshest comments I ever read on S & B was years ago … that gold jewellery is “chavvy”. In response to someone talking about inherited antique jewellery from their grandmother.

I was gifted my Aunt’s engagement and wedding bands, which I wear all the time. My mother gave me lovely simple bracelets and told me to never ever take them off - so I don’t. My engagement ring. Etc. All gold. Apparently that makes me “chavvy”.

I occasionally think of that comment and I still think it’s shallow and nasty. It’s that sort of comment that makes my brain pop.

It's also pretty snobby. I think their sneering probably related to high street gold jewellery (forever tarnished by Gerald Ratner!), rather than inherited pieces - but it's still unpleasant. Don't think they'd say that now, with the current price of gold!

But then words like chavvy & slutty seem to be bandied around a fair bit on MN, including S&B. I dislike them intensely. I'm actually less bothered by words like mumsy or frumpy, which a lot of posters consider ageist & are very prickly about. I think they're just shorthand for losing one's way with looking current/stylish, which I think is more likely to happen as we get older (for myriad reasons), that's all.

I'm a bit older than you &, though fairly confident about my style generally (I'm a very visually-driven person), have had a few wobbles in the last decade. My hair colour has faded, I've put on weight, my proportions have changed ... plus I just don't keep track of "fashion" in the way I used to ...

Did your jumpsuit, trousers, jeans, jumpers, shoes & jacket (was that everything you ordered?!) all arrive? And fit & suit?

Are you feeling a little less stressed/overwhelmed, @warmpinkshawl ? I do hope so. After all, it's Paris in the springtime!!! 🥖🧀🍷

It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but within the last year I have had to replace my whole wardrobe after losing 10 stone and reaching my goal weight. I was obese at 11years old and have been morbidly obese or ‘just’ obese my whole teen and adult life, I’m 43 now. So I had absolutely no idea what my body shape was, what styles would suit me or anything. Here’s what I did:

Took several photos in different lights wearing just pants and a vest, full length, back, sides, head/shoulders. I then uploaded them to Copilot and asked it to tell me my body shape, what shapes of trousers, tops and dresses would be most flattering and what colour schemes. From that I learnt I’m a ‘warm autumn’, suit gold better than silver, should stick to straight leg and mid/low rise, v-neck or boat neck nothing high or crew, elbow or 3/4 sleeves and fitted not empire or trapeze dresses.

Armed with that information I went to John Lewis and M&S and tried on loads and loads of stuff and took photos. I bought nothing on that first trip. I then went home and looked at the photos honestly and critically until I’d narrowed down what I felt made me look good. That’s what I bought, I do not care what’s in fashion or whether the magazines think everyone should be wearing wide leg or barrel jeans, they don’t suit me so I don’t buy them.

It’s made it so much easier and I now have a decent selection of stuff I can make a variety of of outfits from. This week I’ve been to a funeral and have a several day long work based conference I’m attending and I was able to just grab stuff out of my wardrobe that’s suitable, flattering, comfortable and that I feel confident in.

@warmpinkshawl reading your replies on this thread, what jumps at me is not that you struggle finding suitable outfits. It just sounds like you are struggling with stress, depression, with liking yourself.

Perhaps what needs addressing first isn’t what to wear, but how you actually feel.

You also probably feel uninspired because you don’t actually style your clothes. You put something on and expect it to say everything. It won’t. You need belts, necklaces, bracelets, bags, scarves etc. A cardigan is a cardigan, but if you pull the sleeves up, do/undo a couple of buttons, add a small scarf, match it with your shoes..it changes the outfit.

Make up changes things too. You know about the haircuts, but some make up helps too. Try Charlotte Tilbury’s Hollywood filter and the beauty light wand, it makes me look fresh.
HTH

For the funeral buy either a plain black dress which is at least knee length. Or a pair of decent black trousers and a black blouse. I would buy a loose fit style of trouser, probably wide leg.
For Paris you will need comfortable shoes. I would wear trainers. The weather can be very changeable so a waterproof coat too. Take something smarter the evening. The outfit you buy for the funeral could double up, with a pair of loafers.
Why not treat yourself to some new jeans and a jumper from M&S, they have lots of different styles in. I recently bought a pair of wide legged jeans from there.

Honestly, it’s none of those things: it’s much simpler. Because fashion is not just about clothes, it’s essentially about exposing yourself to scrutiny and criticism.

For example, I was just reading the style and beauty board a second ago where someone asked if a black skirt was okay for a wedding. (If fashion didn’t matter that question wouldn’t be necessary. The question is being asked to avoid ‘getting it wrong’). She then posted a picture of some shoes she was also thinking of wearing, and one of the replies said something like, “I thought this was a real post until I saw those shoes.”

Seriously. WTAF?!

She wasn’t asking for an opinion on the shoes - the image was provided for context. If that was me, I’d now be doubting both the idea of wearing a black skirt AND the shoes. I read that sort of thing and think that’s why I instinctively dislike ‘fashion culture’. But like it or not, that’s the culture I sometimes have to swim in because I exist.

Now add in :”don’t care what anyone thinks, just wear what you want and be happy.” Note: not many responses along those lines wrt wearing black at a wedding! And that’s definitely not the view that underpinned the sandals comment, was it? Also, very easy to say if the speaker is a confident and stylish person.

Would they say the same to someone who was self-conscious about their big-ears? Or would their advice recognise their acute self-consciousness is derived from knowing people mock and ridicule big-ears?

I think denying this meaner reality in fashion is disingenuous. If a person loves fashion, I’ll bet a huge part of the satisfaction is knowing they look good and having that reflected back in positive criticism and maybe even admiration.

I think finding your style requires a bit of thought but once you’ve done it it’s easier to navigate through the trends. If you really want to dig into it you could look at a book called the Curated closet by Anushka Rees. There are exercises in it that allow you to think about your lifestyle and what you’re drawn to etc. There are also online content creators but the ones I mean are not just showing your their style ( of which there are many ) and you trying to emulate them but discussing finding personal style. It really bothers me how reductive the advice gets on here… get your colours done and wear a wrap dress if you’ve got an hourglass shape. Wear this if you’re a pear. That isn’t style.

Anyway I thought the pieces you picked were quite neutral ( I looked last night on the train so may not be remembering correctly ). I think that’s clever… you can pair a chore jacket for example with big oversized jeans and a tiny beanie hat and look like an East London creative or pair it with a flowery dress… it’s trend adjacent.

I DO like a trend piece but only those that fit in my personal style. So I can whizz through a trend report and think yep, yep, not for me, hard no. I have a few neutral bits myself… a cream blazer I wore last night into London for example ( the fashion was oversized then they became fitted with no collars ) I paired it with a graphic Siouxsie Sioux t shirt I got from a gig 20 years ago. It could also lean a little bit bouji if I paired it with a lovely cream silk shirt I got from Arket. I also found these lovely lined black trousers from a charity shop. A pricy American brand I was unfamiliar with. Quite straight not wide so you could take them quite classic or pair it with an oversized leather jacket and some ugly shoes and all of a sudden they look more current. I think based on what you showed you might like Uniqlo, also Arket which is the sister brand to Cos but less “ Swedish architect “. An online brand called Rise & Fall possibly ( I have a couple of their boxy t shirts and the silk draw string trousers which were good for holiday… not cheap ) Community Clothing or maybe Massimo Dutti. I think the styling has improved at M&S but the quality has gone down. It can be good if you know what you want. Sorry that was so long.

edited for typo

Oh and Jigsaw. I think they fly under radar a bit

My two pennorth is that this has turned into an over intellectualised angst ridden exercise.

If you’re someone who has a uniform of jeans, hoodies and trainers, just go with it. Try current shapes of jeans, replace the old washed out T-shirts with some new ones and do the same with the trainers. Ruthlessly chuck out all the stuff that’s past its best and replace it.

I’ve pretty much lived in linen trousers, breton tops and birkenstocks in the summer for the last decade but the trousers have changed shape (currently wide leg or balloon) and the T-shirts and sandals are replaced when they look shabby.

I don't think that's particularly harsh to be honest. It's an opinion. People are welcome to agree or disagree and have their own opinion. It's possible a little insensitive, but that's sort of the difference between an anonymous internet forum and chatting with your pals. In person people will be more sensitive, but just because something is inherited doesn't mean it's nice. It may just have sentimental value. I have jewellery from my grandmother that is sentimental but I would never wear it, it's not my taste.

And WRT Would they say the same to someone who was self-conscious about their big-ears? Or would their advice recognise their acute self-consciousness is derived from knowing people mock and ridicule big-ears?

Clothing is something you choose. Plastic surgery aside, you can't change aspects of your appearance like big ears, so it's not the same. The way you talk makes it sound like you've never had a negative or judgemental thought in your life, which frankly I don't believe (and actually, you've passed judgement on people who dress well and care how they dress, so it is indeed nonsense).

The thread with the black skirt - Someone posted for opinions. They got them. They might not have been the opinions they wanted, but actually I think a lot of the comments were doing OP a favour. I think the philosophy of - if someone can fix something, tell them, is a good one to follow. So for example, if you're at lunch and someone has food in their teeth, tell them. If someone's pants are showing through their skirt, do not tell them because it can't be easily sorted and will just embarrass them. If someone turns up to a wedding in a horrible outfit, don't mention it. If someone asks you in advance what you think of the outfit they're planning to wear to a wedding, it's better to honestly tell them if you think something else would be better.

I think the point missing here is the op asked, she proactively asked for opinion, that’s what opened it to scrutiny, it’s not like people are rocking up to her in real life unasked. So I’m not sure you can complain about scrutiny regarding someone starting a thread and asking,

The thread HAS become intellectualised, and I freely admit ‘the role of fashion in society’ is something I frequently think about because that aspect is intellectually interesting to me.

Where have I passed judgement on those who dress well and care about fashion? Because I should apologise if I did. I don’t judge people for dressing well- I envy them; I DO judge people who judge others for ‘not dressing well’. I do not assume everyone who dresses well does that.

The tough funeral is now behind me, along with a lot of the desperate angst.

Since then, to distract myself from grief by keeping busy, I’ve been going through my wardrobes. The last time I distracted myself with a time-consuming boring task, it was sorting my pantry.

I’ve been uploading items to Stylebook and playing around with outfit combinations. Items I cannot combine with others, or are too small, or don’t get worn, will be culled.

I now have 3 pre-planned funeral outfits.

I briefly considered sharing some of the outfit combinations here, but … I’m weighing up the boost of positive affirmation after hours of effort against impact of ‘that’s so awful I think the post is a fake’ type response? And at the same time, I still lack confidence in my own choices. 🤷‍♀️ That conundrum genuinely fascinates me.

It always comes back to something in relation to a perception of scrutiny and exposure.

I talk about this with friends. It is very real for lots of people. I’ve seen my mum struggle similarly, to the point she dreads occasions rather than looks forward to and enjoys them.

A friend just got engaged. Another expressed relief that the wedding was a year away so she could lose weight and find something to wear. Already anticipating being on display. A year of effort for one day, and she’s not even the bride!

I told a relative how I really struggled with the funeral clothes, and she reminded me of when our aunt died. She told me she spent the whole day of my aunt’s funeral feeling uncomfortable and acutely self-conscious. I can’t remember what she was wearing, but ‘something’ about clothes undermined her participation in the day and she still remembers it three years later.

The fact something as ostensibly benign as clothes can have such a powerful impact on mostly women does fascinate me.

I didn’t read it that way. She asked about the appropriateness of wearing black to a wedding. She posted a picture of shoes she had decided on, and was happy to wear, as context for the skirt. I don’t think she was seeking feedback on the shoes themselves.

What’s the benefit of negatively commenting on something you KNOW someone likes and is happy to wear?

I scrolled through the thread titles on S &B this morning and was struck by the thought that most of the content is derived from uncertainty, vulnerability and seeking support (just by the titles).

Why would you give such an idiotic comment the briefest time of day let alone continued headspace?

Even if you thought it had the slightest nugget of truth (it hasn't) a quick look around at other women say from Princess Catherine to friends, neighbours, work colleagues would tell you it's idiotic.