Starting to massively despair at my clothes shopping … 😭

[warmpinkshawl]

Anyone else like this …?

I’m realising this is why I’ve slid into a ‘uniform’ of old jeans, hoodies and shabby sneakers. Thus us what I’ve worn for over ten years.

When a wedding or event comes along, it turns into a monumentally stressful shopping experience where I panic buy items I find uncomfortable, unsure suit me, and likely never wear again.

I have two events: a funeral on Friday and a weekend in Paris next weekend. I’ve been browsing online for days and woke up at 5 am this morning to continue scrolling and discovered my panic purchase for the funeral won’t arrive in time. I then panic purchased a pair of shoes I think look nice for meals out and the funeral, but already have doubts.

I wish I could break this cycle and be confident in what I wear.

I recently had a haircut I love and it inspired me to try hard again to ‘raise the bar’. But I’m hitting a familiar wall now and dreading the events, and just feeling tired and down about it. My DH just doesn’t have this …

Uuuugh!!

I meant a shirt underneath the dress - like a pinafore. To me, that’s not quirky 🥴. Oh dear.

But it’s not a pinafore, it’s a standard basic sun dress.

Thank God I commented.

@warmpinkshawl ooh a fellow knitter! well in that case you’ve got the secret weapon of the ability to make your own beautiful sweaters - check out pattern designer the Knit Purl Girl for beautiful timeless sweaters and cardigans that look modern without being too in your face. Full of lovely knitty details too (i’m a process knitter at heart 😁)

Just wear navy or black to Paris from head to toe in decent fabrics. Sunglasses. Don't try and develope personal style with such short notice.

Do colours later.

I love a linen workman’s jacket layered over my handknits - cosy, practical, feels like me! would look fab with the handknitted shawls/scarves you mentioned too.

Why don’t you invest in a personal stylist to come and help you refocus. They really are incredible if you’re stuck.x

I feel your pain OP - I work from home so spend a lot of time on jeans and jumpers. When I go to work I can dress for that as I work in the legal field so it’s suits or dark colours. I struggle with a casual dinner or a party or formal event. I’m a size 12-14 but apple shape and look terrible in everything. High waists make me look like Humpty Dumpty and crop tops just make me look terrible as I have no waistline. I absolutely hate my body and I therefore hate shopping. I dress to blend in the background. I wish I had the confidence to not care and buy what I like! Don’t cancel your break though - sounds like a stylist might help (I will do this too when I’ve got my budget!)

Men have it so easy because they don’t care what they look like. And that’s not a good trait.

The fact you are thinking about it is a good thing, recommend a style consult, even if you don’t buy you’ll have an idea of what looks good (I find Chat GPT also ok with this)

Maybe the men you know, but I can assure you every man I know, from my husband to my male friends to my friends husbands to my colleagues care what they look like.

how very odd you don’t know any men who care what they look like.

I am speaking generalities.

I don’t want to have to type out ‘most men are X’ and ‘most men are Y’.

I assume you are intelligent enough to understand it’s a generalization. But maybe not.

Again. It is not a generalisation. Men absolutely care about whay they look like, from going to the gym, to male grooming to the clothes they wear. It is ludicrous to suggest they don’t. Yes like women, some don’t. But I genuinely don’t know any man who doesn’t care whay he looks like.

What about :
Sparkley jackets & trousers /satin /velvet and a nice top (easier to wear than dresses). Sparkley jeans /nice top.
Statement necklace/matching scarf/statement earrings.
Playsuit (faff in the loo but easier than a dress) .
Soarkley /pointed ballet flats.
Black tarted up with sparkle /colour (think jewellery /bag /scarf).
Just some ideas .x

What about :
Sparkley jackets & trousers /satin /velvet and a nice top (easier to wear than dresses). Sparkley jeans /nice top.
Statement necklace/matching scarf/statement earrings.
Playsuit (faff in the loo but easier than a dress) .
Soarkley /pointed ballet flats.
Black tarted up with sparkle /colour (think jewellery /bag /scarf).
Just some ideas .x

(generalization ahead)

If they care so much, why do they still look like shit?

Average woman in her 40s looks way better, it’s not even close. So does the average gay man in his 40s too, come to think of it … seems a cultural preference rather

It really, really wouldn't be "quirky" It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

It It's a sleeveless dress. There is absolutely no reason why the OP can't wear it over a shirt, blouse or t shirt

@warmpinkshawl "It’s the knowing that people NOTICE that is bloody hard and intimidating"

i'm really glad you started this thread

I haven't read all the replies because it's too much information for me

But generally, the source of any stress with appearance is from the fact that people are noticing things that I wouldn't notice in 1 million years. So annoying. If it wasn't for all this noticing, I wouldn't have any stress about what I was wearing!

I do notice what people are wearing on TV, but it's TV. It's another world. It's got nothing to do with my life.

Now I have a work set and apart from that, I try not to worry about it

I was about to tell you not to get your colours done. But I can see you've already committed to it 😂

I'm in a local business network thing and somebody did mine for free. It was really just for her to practice her presentation. But honestly, there is no way I could be bothered going through all of that if I hadn't been helping her out

she is one of many people to tell me that I really suit (insert colours that I don't particularly like) and I'm not going to wear a colour or ditch it because of someone else else's opinion.

some people really enjoy this stuff. For others, it's just a task to get out of the way.

By the way, I had a weekend away recently, and I was stressing about it and you know what? My friend was basically wearing casual clothes and trainers. Everyone we saw was basically wearing casual clothes and trainers. It's a great relief to me that people don't really dress up anymore.

Not sure - would have to see how it fitted/ if there was room around shoulders if you see what I mean. It will depend on the cut. It might work best over just one layer or might be quite roomy.

You know what, if you like jeans, trainers etc, then just buy beautiful new good quality ones to replace your old ratty ones for the weekend away. For funeral, I would just keep it simple, black trousers from M&S and comfy shoes you can walk and stand in.
I think you're being too hard on yourself- just go with the flow and update the things you like. You don't need to reinvent yourself, just adapt/update/switch up your own.personal style a little. Good luck and don"t overthink it.

Another thing I would say, OP, unlike some posters, I wouldn’t recommend M and S or Next. Too full of stuff, too busy (layout not people) and also full of cheap fabrics. If you’re going to Paris and want to fit in with well dressed friends, please don’t try to be something you’re not. So no sparkly tops sparkly jeans. Go for a more upmarket version of what you do feel comfortable in. Like sweatshirt-Other Stories, White Company do them.

I’ve mentioned Toast before, but I adore their trousers-not so much their dresses. Extremely comfortable, a bit cropped and easy to wear, a bit voluminous but even my twenty something daughter says they cool. For less money, New Look Adelae jeans are the best on the high street.

I don’t know if you find wool itchy, but you can get a light wool jumper from say Harley of Scotland and wear with a little silk scarf. Cos do merino wool jumpers in a modern cut. Utility jacket over. Brogues. Or trainers. Something comfortable for sightseeing.

If it’s going to be warm in Paris, decent shirt from say, with nothing underneath or Uniqlo linen one for less money. Try a linen shirt over a tee-my very lovely dil often does that with her Uniqlo shirt. Try to stick to natural fabrics if you can-they will look classier even if what you’re wearing is plain. Lift it with earrings or necklace-Other Stories do great high street jewellery.

Thank you for this. I’ll go check the links. I’ve ordered a plain black jumpsuit for Paris, with black flats and maybe a coloured cardi. I was hoping it would arrive for the funeral too (obvs with a cardi or blazer), but now it won’t now get here in time. 🙄Hence that sleeveless dress option.

I’ve ordered these shoes for evenings out, but sneakers all the way the rest of the time. I’m not sure how fancy the restaurants will be. My friend travels on his stomach and is very wealthy and told me he’d made reservations ages ago. So I want to be sure I cover all bases.

Oh I really like those shoes!

I was about to tell you not to get your colours done.

Me too. And definitely not that dreadful Kibbe "what's my shape?" thing.

I empathise because I've been there and currently working (shopping!) my way out of it. I think I lost my own sense of self in terms of style when I had my kids and weight changes etc. I wore the same few items on recycle and never felt put together. I dreaded shopping for weddings and similar.

For years I bought things that looked nice or like the 'ideal' me, but rarely wore them because they didn't fit in with the existing things I had that felt comfortable and easy.

I actually used ChatGPT to help me figure out what I liked and identify gaps in my wardrobe. I had bought a new pair of cropped wide leg black jeans and initially asked it for styling suggestions. I then worked through examples of things and brands I like (Cos is my absolute go to - the clothes are simple but stylish and quite structural, and the sizing is consistent - they do good sales too) and came up with easy outfit combinations.

I sense check new items if I'm unsure by adding an image, and it tells you what you have that you can mix and match easily or if it isn't a good idea or doesn't fit your preferred style.

Basic rule for me is that I don't buy anything anymore unless I can wear it immediately and comfortably.

My favourite change has been barrel jeans and trousers - they are so comfy and look like I've made more of an effort.