Comments from friend about my clothes

[LadyEleanorsBlanket]

I meet up with a group of old friends once every two weeks, we go to a local coffee shop or occasionally a day out, etc.
I have known most of them for over 30 years, although I am the youngest by about 10 yrs.

Recently I have begun to notice comments, not all at once, but over time.
I am a reasonably confident person so never thought much of it before, but maybe i am going through a deep phase

I wear fairly minimal stuff, like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.
If dresses maybe a dark cord or cotton semi fitted thing.
My coats are long plain wool or little Barbour jackets.
My hair is longish, dark blonde and not dyed. I wear minimal makeup and am 5'5 and slim. There's nothing about me that jumps out. I feel just average, really.

My friends are similar but wear more patterned clothes, or floaty things, i get that we shop differently, but who cares? I can't see a massive difference. An example of the comments might be "That is a strange jumper, it's a nice colour though!"
Or "You have been wearing that necklace for years, don't you like jewellery?"
Or "Have you thought about having highlights it might pep you up?"
Sometimes I mention a new perfume and have been told they can't smell it.
I don't think they're 'negging' me or anything wild, but I am beginning to notice it nonetheless.
No one has ever told me I look decent, or asked after a thing, like you hear on MN so often! I presumed I was just nondescript, but considering they never say such things to each other, I wonder what to make of this?

Just want to add, my friends are not high maintenance at all. We are a group of 4 women and 2 men, the men rarely comment. I am an artists and whilst this is no big deal there are often jokes about it. I do not dress alternatively or at Seasalt/COS

Probably because you dress to suit yourself and have your own style and sounds a bit like jealousy also.
I had a friend and she used to comment on other friends about their casual style but I also have that casual style which suits me. On a night out she would look like going to a wedding and all dressed up but for me would be more understated and still look nice but more alternative and what I like. Am not into big flouncy stuff either and prefer what I like myself and never been one to just go with what everyone else is wearing and people also make comments because I like to wear a lot of black, always have. Do not think anyone should be judged for what they wear or little comments made. Maybe someone will come along and have a better take on it but if she keeps making comments about your hair etc, just tell her you are happy as you are.

Thanks BOOT!
I doubt it is jealousy, maybe more not being able to fully place me. Even though we are old friends. I am a tad different in temperament and personality too, but it has never been a problem.
I am not enviable, have had rotten luck, and have some tough times ahead. I doubt it is due to being slim (sad but often comes up in threads like this) as none of us are overweight.

The only tangible difference is background. Which I have never, ever thought about before. I wonder if this is more mind than body, if you see what i mean?

So you are simply dressed slim woman without make up, the youngest from the group and other women in the group are commenting about your appearance…
These comments are quite mean and clearly made out of jealousy. I would be very watchful with these so called friends. They want to put you down with their sneaky comments about how you look or what you do.

Jealousy, or coming from insecurity at least. You sound slim, attractive and stylish. Everything they say is communication, and they are saying things designed to put you down or unsettle you. It says nothing about you and everything about them.

I KNEW you were posher than them before your second update.

Just hold on to your own style - I bet you look great.

But they have great lives, mine is a bit pale in comparison, I strongly doubt they are snippy about me due to my age. 10 yrs is nothing when you are over 45!
I do think it is odd though, it isn't like they are critical so much as they never say anything nice. It seems so strange for this to emerge so long into our friendship, too. I do want to add that they are not 'fashion people', nor am I. But I think my thing with natural fabrics makes eyes roll.

I am far from posh, lol.

I think some women are too eager to shout out that friends are jealous of you. Isn't it quite unlikely that friends of thirty years are suddenly being 'mean'?
You mention that they said about 'pepping you up' and that you've had rotten luck and have tough times ahead. Is there a possibility that they might think you're feeling down and/or you aren't making enough of your appearance and if you looked 'brighter' that you might feel 'brighter'?

I've no idea what you look like but I would think that friends of thirty years, who you meet twice a month, have your best interests at heart?

Are you single OP? Maybe they've been reading a 1970s dating manual like the rules and think you'll never pull unless you're in something frilly and floral

Is it all 3 of the other women and do they all share a similar style? I would say also that 10 years IS a big difference at 45! (Whether you mean 35/45 or 45/55) It doesn't look a lot from your side perhaps but may from their's.

Since I started this thread I see that there are likely other issue afoot. Jealousy in any way is not what is going on here. It is as if time has altered us, and my tastes and very being are suddenly deemed 'unusual'.
Unfortunately it isn't that they feel sorry for me having a tough time, they rarely ask about that and know little of it. No one is trying to cheer me up!

I think there is a growing intolerance of my actual self, of which my clothes and look are an easy target. One of the men is very similar to me, although because he is a man he gets an easier time.

I had tried baking some scones last week and murdered them. I asked one of the women for advice as we were queuing for our coffee. She uttered a few mumbled words then completely cut me off, rolled her eyes and started talking to someone else.
"why don't you just buy some bloody scones like the rest of us do?" was the reaction at the table.

I am sorry this is in S&B since it likely has more going on that clothes

You described your style and said you are not noticeable so maybe they just think you do need a bit of va va voom?

They barely know what is going on in your life yet you meet every two weeks and have known each other for thirty years? Are you very quiet? Introverted? Why do you meet each other?

I wonder if your opinions and views on what is happening in the world, are very different?

I know some very good long term friends who have fallen out since covid. One of them, latched onto conspiracy theories and the others got very tired of listening to them. In the end they lost patience and told the person with the theories what they thought of them and they haven't seen each other since. I have a friend myself and find I'm biting my tongue a lot recently because she has all sorts of ideas about how we are going to be microchipped in the future and I find I get irritated listening to her when I simply wanted a lighthearted chat with a friend.

Likewise opposing religious and political views can cause huge rifts if both people don't agree to limit discussing them.

Do you feel the way you are being treated is new or that you haven't always been aware of it previously?

The thing with the scones...that sounds very much like age-gap to me. That you are 10 years younger, are slim and have the confidence to wear chilled out clothes, little makeup, and have the time to worry about home-baking while they are battling the menopause etc. Your worries and their worries have started to diverge.

I suspect you're making them feel a bit inadequate, which is absolutely their issue, and not yours. They may be more financially secure, but you have youth and energy. 40s/50s is when the difference starts to show, for some.

Off topic, I can make a fab sponge cake but scones elude me too. No idea why, the texture is just wrong 😀

I am the one in meno and busy working, they are mostly well past that stage. Living well on good retirement and such. I think there are differences that only became apparent this past year, as if i was' tolerated' before.

No differences in views as such, well nothing new, they were simply much friendlier in the past. I have obviously thought about my own part in this and can't fathom it. They are complimentary to each other, reminds me of when as a child the adults take each other seriously and you just sit there being patronised - because you are a child. Not that overt but something..and I do not behave in an immature way, I am 49 years old.

We went to the lake district together last year in winter, I took a coat, they didn't. Eyes were rolled at that. Jokes were made that I would want to go to Joules (I don't even like Joules) or buy 'silly' things from Booths. It doesn't describe me at all. But no they were not always like that with me. As far as I know I haven't changed.

None of my friends has ever once made comment on my clothes, my jewellery, or my hair - other than to compliment me sometimes. Your friends sound rather unpleasant to me. They really don't sound much like "friends".

They don't sound very kind. I wonder if it's always happened but has got worse over time as mocking you has become the norm to them. Whilst I take your point about jit not being jealousy, I wonder if it makes them feel a bit superior (like low level bullying) I also think you are spot on with the comment about not being able to place you. That can make some people feel uncomfortable if people don't fit into their boxes.

You can confront them (individually or as a group) and tell them to pack it in.

Or pull them up -
"Oh god I bet op will want to buy silly things from boots"
"What did you say? "
"Erm i said you will want to buy things from boots"
"Actually I don't need anything from boots but why would it be such an issue if I did?"

Or phase them out, they don't sound like great friends if they enjoy using you as their punch bag.

Mind boggling at lake District in winter without a coat!

Unfortunately it isn't that they feel sorry for me having a tough time, they rarely ask about that and know little of it. No one is trying to cheer me up!

Bloody hell, @LadyEleanorsBlanket! Read what you’ve written. Read it again. Keep re-reading until it sinks in.

At times when I’ve been having a rotten time, what’s made it worse was not feeling there was anyone I could tell who would fully empathise. So I read the start of your thread with some mild envy that you had a group of almost lifelong friends who would have buoyed you and each other up through countless difficulties.

But no. You’ve been going through hard times and they don’t know. Either because you don’t trust them enough to share your worries, or because they’re not interested enough to enquire and actively hold you up. This is honestly shit. What’s the point of these friendships?

Next time I see a group of women setting off for a Lake District walk I will … think on.

I do think age and lifestyle have begun to separate you from them more pointedly now - but in any case you need friends or associates with whom you can share difficulties in your life.

I don't think these 'friends' even like you. With every update it gets worse. Are you sure you want to have them in your life?

Not saying you are but do you come across as a bit 'worthy' with all your emphasis on natural fabric, simple things etc just their reaction to the scones makes me think this. You are trying very hard not to sound judging of them , enough to sound a bit judging .

I don't talk about or discuss clothes with them, never mind fabrics and such. I talk about daily life, ask how their hols went, and we chat about the town we are from and how it is changing, about people we know and just regular stuff.

If anything I would feel especially wanky discussing stuff such as natural fabrics and organic food unless someone else showed enthusiasm first.

Reading these comments, I think you are perhaps correct, that some indefinable change has occurred and time has altered our friendship. I have come to feel a little bit on the outside, looking in, which is never a good sign.
I do enjoy meeting up as it isn't all that often, and there are other people in the cafe we know and it's a lovely vibe there. I do suppose it will sadly peter out in time if the comments persist.

They sound dull, rather than mean. My friends and I very rarely comment on each others appearance. Its really not relevant to anything, we aren't teenagers.

I am curious how anyone would extrapolate from my comments that I am judging them, other than relating what has been said to me in company.

How you have managed to conflate asking about a scone mixture with me being 'worthy' is possibly more something you are putting into this than I am.