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Comments from friend about my clothes

223 replies

LadyEleanorsBlanket · 31/10/2023 00:13

I meet up with a group of old friends once every two weeks, we go to a local coffee shop or occasionally a day out, etc.
I have known most of them for over 30 years, although I am the youngest by about 10 yrs.

Recently I have begun to notice comments, not all at once, but over time.
I am a reasonably confident person so never thought much of it before, but maybe i am going through a deep phase Grin

I wear fairly minimal stuff, like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.
If dresses maybe a dark cord or cotton semi fitted thing.
My coats are long plain wool or little Barbour jackets.
My hair is longish, dark blonde and not dyed. I wear minimal makeup and am 5'5 and slim. There's nothing about me that jumps out. I feel just average, really.

My friends are similar but wear more patterned clothes, or floaty things, i get that we shop differently, but who cares? I can't see a massive difference. An example of the comments might be "That is a strange jumper, it's a nice colour though!"
Or "You have been wearing that necklace for years, don't you like jewellery?"
Or "Have you thought about having highlights it might pep you up?"
Sometimes I mention a new perfume and have been told they can't smell it.
I don't think they're 'negging' me or anything wild, but I am beginning to notice it nonetheless.
No one has ever told me I look decent, or asked after a thing, like you hear on MN so often! I presumed I was just nondescript, but considering they never say such things to each other, I wonder what to make of this?

OP posts:
Redragtoabull · 02/11/2023 01:02

You mentioned you are in menopause, could it be you that has heightened feelings?...don't shoot me down, It's a reasonable question. I would like to know as I am definitely peri and want to hear others stories/journeys

Loubelle70 · 02/11/2023 05:41

Redragtoabull · 02/11/2023 01:02

You mentioned you are in menopause, could it be you that has heightened feelings?...don't shoot me down, It's a reasonable question. I would like to know as I am definitely peri and want to hear others stories/journeys

Ive always dressed similar to OP .. age 50...i wear dr martens, pretty green, cottagecore, rock tshirts, check shirts, skinnies, etc. I think i look good, my style, bit quirky, bit helena bonham carter, i love it!!. I have no shame in how i dress. Im confident enough.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 02/11/2023 07:45

@LadyEleanorsBlanket
Please get this moved to the Relationships boards.

highlandcoo · 02/11/2023 08:54

@Cavend that reminded me of my MIL's sister (the two of them as mentioned upthread thought I wasn't "glamorous" enough) who tried to press some of her old clothes on me.

If I'd wanted to dress like Joan Collins Dynasty style in my twenties I would have been buying power suits with shoulder pads and stilettos myself ..

SnozPoz · 02/11/2023 09:00

All sounds a bit weird! Could it be that despite not knowing you are going through a hard time/ menopause it is showing in the way you look and they are concerned you don't look your best self anymore? Sounds like they may have had a little chat with each other and are trying (badly) to drop gentle hints. If you don't see each other frequently they may have noticed a real change in you recently. Could you talk to one of them and ask? Are you single and they want you to look your best to meet someone? I like the sound of your style personally and wouldn't worry about it too much - you do you..... but if you're really concerned why don't you find a personal stylist for a day to go through all your stuff with you... I've never done it but know of plenty of people who have loved doing this

Ohhoho · 02/11/2023 11:03

Quality, understated confident comfortable.. certainly not cheap. That’s a Toast jumper. My favourite security blanket brand. And I love it now Toast now encourage you to mend, no more throw away. Tick tick tick. Yeh. But for some reason your friends are slightly ganging up on you.. and you’re menopausal which offers great insights and change. It’s not called that for nothing.
No, they are not appreciating you and nor you them: Patterns and jewelry are not your thing. But even to say that sounds rude and you wouldn’t be rude.
You don’t confide in them, you share small talk. I think they think you are a bit of a snob. Which is why you get the jibes. A bit too perfect they think, loosen up they think, I can see it from both sides. I bet if you unburdened yourself a bit with them they would be very supportive. On the other hand they might roll their eyes.. but I doubt it, it seems they are fishing for some weakness to bond with. But your trust has been dented why should you? Viva the menopause.

1mabon · 02/11/2023 11:41

Clearly you are happy in your skin and dress, don't let these so-called friends pull you down. Maybe they are just jealous.

Finlesswonder · 02/11/2023 11:53

There are much better baked goods to fret over than bloody scones!

PonteMinchi · 02/11/2023 12:03

Finlesswonder · 02/11/2023 11:53

There are much better baked goods to fret over than bloody scones!

Yes, I never get scones. It feels like an awful lot of chewing on something not very interesting.

Jumpingthruhoops · 02/11/2023 14:17

pizzaHeart · 31/10/2023 00:43

So you are simply dressed slim woman without make up, the youngest from the group and other women in the group are commenting about your appearance…
These comments are quite mean and clearly made out of jealousy. I would be very watchful with these so called friends. They want to put you down with their sneaky comments about how you look or what you do.

This!

The comments are quite rude - people secure in themselves aren't rude to others. So I think there's your answer.

43ontherocksporfavor · 02/11/2023 16:47

OP the scones rule is to not handle the dough too much. Gather the dough with as little touch as possible, no kneading and then roll lightly and turn the cutter as you cut out so you don’t press down too much .
You sound great btw and they sound weird.

StrangeVeg · 02/11/2023 18:56

Finlesswonder · 02/11/2023 11:53

There are much better baked goods to fret over than bloody scones!

Nooooo! This is absolute sacrilege. My finger is hovering over the report button. There is no finer thing than a well made scone - butter & jam, never cream - with a good coffee or pot of tea.

There should be very little chewing. There’s nothing worse than a chewy scone.

LovelyIssues · 02/11/2023 21:47

Hmm they don't sound like very nice friends OP - sorry. I also have a friend like this, we are trio, she regularly comments on the other friends, how much she likes her hair that colour, love that dress on you, your figure looks amazing. Never anything to me ☹️ it hurts OP. I get it.

Cavend · 02/11/2023 22:58

@highlandcoo
It's pathetic, isn't it? Some people do not realise tastes are different, and no one wants to look like a clone. Or a clown, even !

godmum56 · 02/11/2023 23:32

I think these people are not your friends

Loubelle70 · 03/11/2023 09:18

Im perimenopausal... nothing to do with it as some have mentioned...as if the friends are worried about her because shes peri menopausal...if they were they wouldn't say anything about her clothes but rather talk with OP about her mental health..symptoms etc, if that was the case. It isnt. They're no friends. I dress similar to OP. I love the way i dress and dont give a flying one what others say. Im confident enough to wear what i like and like what i wear. Jumpers, dr martens, band t shirts, etc.
Dont change OP

Libra24 · 03/11/2023 09:56

Unfortunately one of them has taken against you for whatever reason. Likely the snidey scone comment maker. And is likely making comments in your absence, drawing attention to their perceived greivance with you to the others who are slowly but surely getting on board with intolerance towards you.
Start going less regularly. Call them out on their shitty attitude and start finding new friends who don't act like peevish teenagers.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/11/2023 10:50

As @Libra24 says someone’s taken against you. Maybe ask the friendliest one what you’ve done wrong.

I did find with my older ex colleagues, once I’d decided my idea of fun wasn’t socialising with them, one of them was the new wife of my DM’s then long term platonic male friend, they started bitching about me behind my back. I think some of it was jealousy. I’d overheard my new colleague talking about me when I’d started saying how glam I was. I do think some of them then have insecurities which they either struggle to hide or don’t hide.

OP is an easy target because she won’t bite back.

Jumpingthruhoops · 03/11/2023 16:36

Autiebibliophile · 31/10/2023 05:26

They don't sound very kind. I wonder if it's always happened but has got worse over time as mocking you has become the norm to them. Whilst I take your point about jit not being jealousy, I wonder if it makes them feel a bit superior (like low level bullying) I also think you are spot on with the comment about not being able to place you. That can make some people feel uncomfortable if people don't fit into their boxes.

You can confront them (individually or as a group) and tell them to pack it in.

Or pull them up -
"Oh god I bet op will want to buy silly things from boots"
"What did you say? "
"Erm i said you will want to buy things from boots"
"Actually I don't need anything from boots but why would it be such an issue if I did?"

Or phase them out, they don't sound like great friends if they enjoy using you as their punch bag.

This!

It sounds to me OP like it's a combination of: you're slim, young, dress simply (but stylish), are not afraid to be your own person and they are seriously threatened by this.

My advice?: Keep doing what you're doing and maybe ditch these people for ACTUAL friends.

Mama1209 · 04/11/2023 08:56

Hmm I don’t like that they have made you feel this way. You sound super cool btw and I’d love that type of figure I’m shaped like a teapot short & stout!! and if your comfortable don’t change for anyone! However, I’d like to presume since you have been friends a long time, they are just trying to give subtle hints on how u could look/ feel better. Maybe try a few highlights see how it makes u feel?

Boomerma1969 · 04/11/2023 09:18

If a number of the group make these mean comments to you it wd suggest they have been talking about you behind your back. It sounds to me like they are cheesed off with you as a person. People do change as we get older. Do not change for anyone tho, be you, but I wd ask Qs to yourself such as Am I getting anything from these friendships? Do they make me happy? Do these people love, care and support me? If not, start to detach yourself from the group and make some new kind and caring friends. I have a friend who when I saw her last said to me ' You used to be so vibrant, so intelligent, so beautiful, so slim' 'I think since having yr kids you have completely changed'. I was mortified!! Everytime I saw her with other friends she wd always make snippy remarks at me. I have dumped her now, it was a long time coming and it is a joy to not see her anymore. I hear thru the grapevine she is totally clueless I've dumped her and doesn't understand why I haven't replied to her texts. If I do bump into her and she asks, I intend to tell her straight.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/11/2023 11:52

Usernamen · 31/10/2023 06:15

I do enjoy meeting up as it isn't all that often

But twice a month is very often? I see my best friends less often than that and I consider myself a very sociable and outgoing person.

I don't think twice a month is that often, but I'm single.
In lockdown the building's handyman was really shocked when I said I only saw my friends on the weekend. I suppose everyone's idea of often is different, but if you don't have small children then once a fortnight really isn't often.

slightlysnippy · 04/11/2023 13:50

I'm thinking it's a clash of taste, they might be trying to encourage you to look a bit more what they would class as stylish. So thinking your still attractive, slim, blonde so maybe encouraging you to perhaps wear clothes that would maybe show yourself off a bit better.

Sorry wasn't sure how to word that, toast clothes are not for everyone so I think it comes from them wanting the best for you.

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