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Comments from friend about my clothes

223 replies

LadyEleanorsBlanket · 31/10/2023 00:13

I meet up with a group of old friends once every two weeks, we go to a local coffee shop or occasionally a day out, etc.
I have known most of them for over 30 years, although I am the youngest by about 10 yrs.

Recently I have begun to notice comments, not all at once, but over time.
I am a reasonably confident person so never thought much of it before, but maybe i am going through a deep phase Grin

I wear fairly minimal stuff, like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.
If dresses maybe a dark cord or cotton semi fitted thing.
My coats are long plain wool or little Barbour jackets.
My hair is longish, dark blonde and not dyed. I wear minimal makeup and am 5'5 and slim. There's nothing about me that jumps out. I feel just average, really.

My friends are similar but wear more patterned clothes, or floaty things, i get that we shop differently, but who cares? I can't see a massive difference. An example of the comments might be "That is a strange jumper, it's a nice colour though!"
Or "You have been wearing that necklace for years, don't you like jewellery?"
Or "Have you thought about having highlights it might pep you up?"
Sometimes I mention a new perfume and have been told they can't smell it.
I don't think they're 'negging' me or anything wild, but I am beginning to notice it nonetheless.
No one has ever told me I look decent, or asked after a thing, like you hear on MN so often! I presumed I was just nondescript, but considering they never say such things to each other, I wonder what to make of this?

OP posts:
Escapetofrance · 01/11/2023 20:57

I’ve had a friend like this, they are no longer my friend. It took me years and years to realise what they were doing to me. I would come away from being with them feeling unsettled and could never work out why. Lockdown came along and I didn’t see her, then it dawned on me. It wasn’t just about clothes, it was subtle and mixed with nice walks and meals etc. We’d been friends for years. There was no big fall out, I just realised I that I would never treat anyone like that and keep away.

StrangeVeg · 01/11/2023 21:07

@Myfabby you come across as the bitchiest person on the thread. Are you one of the friends? This is hilarious considering your earlier post about irony, wherein you tried to sound all academic about differences of opinion and how essential they are in law. You were clearly trying to justify your judgements about the OP.

You have a difference of opinion regarding the @LadyEleanorsBlanket’s taste in clothing. She can’t help it if she looks effortless in a jumper whereas you might have to try harder.

silverbubbles · 01/11/2023 21:07

Can you add more detail about what sort of a friendship group you are? I appreciate your ages now but when you first all met 30 yrs ago it was probably unusual to have a 10 yr age gap between friends of mixed sexes. What brought you all together?

StrangeVeg · 01/11/2023 21:13

@highlandcoo your story made me smile, Thank you. Especially the “pram pushing” bit. I can appreciate that glossy northern Italian look but it’s not for everyone. The world would be such a boring place, etc etc

Myfabby · 01/11/2023 21:25

StrangeVeg · 01/11/2023 21:07

@Myfabby you come across as the bitchiest person on the thread. Are you one of the friends? This is hilarious considering your earlier post about irony, wherein you tried to sound all academic about differences of opinion and how essential they are in law. You were clearly trying to justify your judgements about the OP.

You have a difference of opinion regarding the @LadyEleanorsBlanket’s taste in clothing. She can’t help it if she looks effortless in a jumper whereas you might have to try harder.

lol.

yes. i am one of the friends

I am envious of the jumper. and OP's effortlessness in DM and a merino wool jumper. I am envious of you whilst we are it.

HTH

jammysmol · 01/11/2023 21:28

I don't dress up lots or wear much, if any make up and my friends rarely comment on my stuff either. I assume its just not to their taste and they find no reason to comment on it. It doesn't bother me at all.

If it helps I think wearing a Toast jumper is dead posh and scones are hard to get right you need to make a few batches till you get the hang of it.

My mum always told me that if someone is out to get at you it will be very apparent and that most of the time you imagine a slight it is just the other person being a bit careless in word or action. Honestly don't dwell on it unless you think it is being done deliberately, if that really is the case distance yourself and get new friends.

In most cases it also doesn't matter what others think of you, how you look or what you do, although I understand it could be hurtful if it is friends repeatedly being mean.

StrangeVeg · 01/11/2023 21:30

@Myfabby she hasn’t mentioned DM’s.
It’s a different look altogether.

jammysmol · 01/11/2023 21:30

Did somebody say people get intimidated by "Toast wearers", seriously? Sure its a posh brand but why would it be intimidating or evoke envy, its just clothes?

If this is true then consider my mind blown!

Myfabby · 01/11/2023 21:33

StrangeVeg · 01/11/2023 21:30

@Myfabby she hasn’t mentioned DM’s.
It’s a different look altogether.

comprehension isn't your forte - clearly...

like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.

still envious of OP though and You!

AmazingSnakeHead · 01/11/2023 21:33

It sounds to me like you've outgrown each other. I do think as time passes in relationships some people become more inflexible and stuck in their ways, less willing to hide their true feelings.

Montelukast · 01/11/2023 21:34

Some people are really rude about things they don’t understand or don’t enjoy themselves. I’ve had comments before like ‘ugh I’d rather just get drunk’ when I’ve said what I’ve done for fun. I’ve been laughed at multiple times for my hobbies which are gardening sewing and baking. They sound like they are not aligned with you and your values anymore. I would echo others that your commonality has gone. It’s really heartbreaking if they have been good friends but maybe it’s time to let them go.
Keep being you and make yourself happy. Don’t listen to their insecurities because they sound like they are very shallow and have nothing exciting in their lives. Some people (not all) do have a crisis in their 40s/50s - they don’t feel they have their looks anymore, kids have grown up, careers are at an end, don’t get on with husbands/ wives- it’s all a bit bleak. Some people keep being their fabulous self ( like you!!)

StrangeVeg · 01/11/2023 21:37

Also I’ve been trying not to mention scones because it seemed a bit missing the point but here are my tips😂

Keep conditions similar to those for making pastry - everything cool (hands, worktop, bowl)
Don’t over handle, don’t knead, don’t roll out (gently pat)
Dough should be wetter than pastry but not sticking to work surface
If you’re brushing the top with egg or milk, do this at the very last minute - straight in the oven afterwards
Blast the heat (220C) for 5 minutes, then turn it down

Unless you buy them at a tea shop or farm shop they’re never the same as homemade. So @LadyEleanorsBlanket yiur friends are idiots for that comment alone.

StrangeVeg · 01/11/2023 21:40

@Myfabby ah okay. You are right. Hope that improves your mood.

Kittycat43 · 01/11/2023 21:41

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 01/11/2023 07:24

ln terms of jumpers I'd love to be taller and wear slouchy jumpers in super soft wool but am I bit too short.

Now … come on, @Kittycat43 - you can’t honestly be serious? This is one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard …

I should have said that I'm overweight and have a large bloated tummy so trying to achieve elegant slouch doesn't work. Everything clings in the wrong way or makes me look bigger. But on my tall and much slimmer friend looks great. A bit like I can't wear shapeless dresses often referred to as sacks on here despite loving the look, as they don't suit me.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 01/11/2023 21:43

StrangeVeg · 01/11/2023 21:37

Also I’ve been trying not to mention scones because it seemed a bit missing the point but here are my tips😂

Keep conditions similar to those for making pastry - everything cool (hands, worktop, bowl)
Don’t over handle, don’t knead, don’t roll out (gently pat)
Dough should be wetter than pastry but not sticking to work surface
If you’re brushing the top with egg or milk, do this at the very last minute - straight in the oven afterwards
Blast the heat (220C) for 5 minutes, then turn it down

Unless you buy them at a tea shop or farm shop they’re never the same as homemade. So @LadyEleanorsBlanket yiur friends are idiots for that comment alone.

Just making a careful note of this. Scones are my biggest baking failure. You could pave a driveway with mine.

Kittycat43 · 01/11/2023 21:50

And since I'm not doing so well at explaining myself regarding the clothing/ hair / jewellery , here's my tips on scones as they were my nemesis until lockdown. I still can't make gravy but live in hope I'll crack it one day:

BBC good food recipe
I use milk, warmed then add squeeze of lemon to get the buttermilk effect
Minimal handling and mixing
No rolling out, just gentle shaping with hands
Use a plain not fluted cutter and pat the mix out thicker than you think you'd need to or than the recipe says. I make mine from dough that's gently patted to around 2.5" thick.
As a PP said don't twist the cutter- flour or inside to allow the dough to release easily

coldcallerbaiter · 01/11/2023 21:56

When one says something, just reply in the same way, just point out something nice that they are not wearing/doing, smile and wait intently for the answer…
friend says - why don’t you highlight your hair?
you - why don’t you shape your eyebrows?
friend - why don’t you wear a floaty top?
you - why don’t you wear diamond studded earrings? They would suit you.

SerafinasGoose · 01/11/2023 22:03

Sometimes people just grow apart. It's sad - all the more so after friendships of such longevity - but it happens.

But being shown in this way that your face no longer fits, especially having established the easy familiarity that only comes with such longstanding companionship, must be very painful. If there's one thing I really cannot abide it's passive aggression. It's the ultimate in cowardice. It allows for a plausible deniability that lets the aggressor off the hook, at the same time painting the target as oversensitive or having an overactive imagination. Meanwhile, the target knows full well that the PA shot has gone home, just as they're intended to know.

It's horrible behaviour. I'd rather be told, bluntly and straightforwardly, that someone didn't like me. That at least I could respect - and would move on.

Sweettooth33 · 01/11/2023 22:06

I think they are being mean. They are stereotyping you as the quirky one, different from them. It could be a perception of you as ‘the baby’ in the group, despite being in your late 40s. I had a friend who used to make slightly spiteful comments, such as mocking new glasses ( saying I looked like Olive from a series called ‘On the Buses’). Olive was most def not the brightest or most attractive of women! Or making fun of my clothes and never complimenting me. We are now, after thirty odd years, no longer in touch.

Sweettooth33 · 01/11/2023 22:07

Also that is mean about your scones!

goldennavy · 01/11/2023 22:14

They are not your tribe. They are mean to you, and should know better.
Hold your head high, stay confident and phase them out if it continues.
Your true friends would never do this, ever.
Your style sounds fabulous by the way .

Pokinganose · 01/11/2023 22:46

Maybe some of them are feeling their age? Your clothes choices sound younger and maybe more laid back or subtle than theirs and they feel a bit insecure? I wouldn't overthink it. Just do you. Its lovely to be yourself and just do 'you'. Shame they haven't realised this already as they're older than you.

Xmasbaby11 · 01/11/2023 23:21

Ah, that's no fun for you and I can't imagine what you're wearing provoking such a strong reaction! You sound just lovely in your style, and even if you didn't, the comments are not welcome.

I can only think they have different values in style. Perhaps they do believe you don't make the most of your looks and you 'should' wear more make up etc as you'd look great.

Friendships do change over the years and sometimes values do shift so you don't have so much in common. It has happened with some of my friends (late 40s and 50s) in a different way, and I don't feel so comfortable with them anymore, so the friendships are fading somewhat. I will always remember their friendship when it was at its best, but we've grown apart.

Cavend · 02/11/2023 00:10

Your friends should live and let live, wear whatever you are comfortable in.

Wherever I have worked, people have offered me their old clothes and cast offs !

I wear stuff from eBay or Sainsburys Tu sale items.

Blinkityblonk · 02/11/2023 00:15

I would never ever say a negative thing to a friend about their outfits or look, not even if I had an inner thought about it (which I don't much unless it's a terrible new haircut). I only say nice things, if I say anything at all. They sound a bit cliquey and like you have fallen out of the clique.