Comments from friend about my clothes

[LadyEleanorsBlanket]

I meet up with a group of old friends once every two weeks, we go to a local coffee shop or occasionally a day out, etc.
I have known most of them for over 30 years, although I am the youngest by about 10 yrs.

Recently I have begun to notice comments, not all at once, but over time.
I am a reasonably confident person so never thought much of it before, but maybe i am going through a deep phase

I wear fairly minimal stuff, like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.
If dresses maybe a dark cord or cotton semi fitted thing.
My coats are long plain wool or little Barbour jackets.
My hair is longish, dark blonde and not dyed. I wear minimal makeup and am 5'5 and slim. There's nothing about me that jumps out. I feel just average, really.

My friends are similar but wear more patterned clothes, or floaty things, i get that we shop differently, but who cares? I can't see a massive difference. An example of the comments might be "That is a strange jumper, it's a nice colour though!"
Or "You have been wearing that necklace for years, don't you like jewellery?"
Or "Have you thought about having highlights it might pep you up?"
Sometimes I mention a new perfume and have been told they can't smell it.
I don't think they're 'negging' me or anything wild, but I am beginning to notice it nonetheless.
No one has ever told me I look decent, or asked after a thing, like you hear on MN so often! I presumed I was just nondescript, but considering they never say such things to each other, I wonder what to make of this?

Thanks to this thread I now want a Toast Donegal jumper

I don't understand why people are picking on you here. I think the specifics are irrelevant really, you've essentially got a group of friends who have started being bitchy for no apparent reason, it just happens to be focused on your appearance as it's the most immediate thing they notice about you. Old friends generally feel they can get away with making personal remarks but they are really being very rude now.

I do think it sounds like an age and stage thing. You have three options. Put up with it, call it out or start to distance yourself. I'd probably do the latter - maybe you can just see them a bit less, and if anyone asks you about it you could always say that you were getting fed up with the personal criticism (or just blame a busy schedule).

Hope you can lean on the others in your life during the tough times ahead. It is shit when friends let you down.

@Blackandwhitemakesgrey I'll try and explain a bit better what I mean. But keep it S and B. If the OP is perceived as being of her own style and looks a certain way that they're jealous of then they're being spiky as a result of this jealousy. They should be inspired by or at the very least interested in their friend the OP. I have a friend who looks amazing and is very correct in all that she does , seemingly without trying. She finds brands that suit her, buys things that look amazing and somehow manages to look fabulous and grow her own veg and is very k intelligent and good company. Am I sometimes jealous? Yes. She makes being a very good person who looks great, easy. Would I say this to her? Never. I just ask her for help with stuff that she's good at and the difference with her is that she'd never be snidy or rude or make any comments. Friends don't do that.
I want a gorgeous jumper now and some
Fabulous boots to drag it back. I ln terms of jumpers I'd love to be taller and wear slouchy jumpers in super soft wool but am I bit too short.

They’re telling you that you don’t make an effort
that’s for sure.

sea salt is not stylish
why it’s their business I dunno

(It’s definitely NOT jealousy )

This is very odd, OP. I'm 59, and have friends of all different ages. We all dress differently, and like different things, it's fine 🤷‍♀️

It does sound a bit like they've taken against you for some reason, and are making odd comments. No idea why, though!

This.

OP you couldn’t sound more normal and down to earth to me.

How people are coming up with all their assessments of you is frankly bizarre.

Maybe next time they all have a good joke about your clothes just (calmly) ask “why do you always do that? Laugh at my clothes?” Then hold silent and wait for a reply.

ln terms of jumpers I'd love to be taller and wear slouchy jumpers in super soft wool but am I bit too short.

Now … come on, @Kittycat43 - you can’t honestly be serious? This is one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard …

You have your answer, they told you it during the Scone discussion. “Be like the rest of us”. You may not think it jealousy and neither do they in all probability however:
You’re 49, they are at least 59: you’ve still got youth on your side. You don’t dress like they do, you don’t go for elaborate hairdos…in other words you’re different from them, have your own style, this makes you stand out in their company. They want you fit in with them, to be less noticeable,
With regard to the Booths comment, the next time anything like it happens have some stock replies ready: “What did you mean by that?
“Would it be a problem if I did?
”Whats wrong with Booths”
“Thank you, I love this jumper, so nice to wear.”
I could never make scones, they never rose, they always came out of the oven like flat pancakes. Until I accidentally had the oven temp too high, It was over 210c. I’d been baking them like cakes at 180c! The mixture needs to be a little wet unlike pastry, don’t roll it out, Pat it into shape about 3cm thick.

The eye rolling over the scones would be enough for me to not wish to spend time with that friend again. It’s horrible being dismissed. I don’t think this is a style and beauty issue though, do you? If I were you I would pull them up on it. People don’t bully and belittle others if they can’t get away with it.

I was thinking back when I worked for 5 years with a woman 10 years older than me. I got comments (bullying) about my lardy arse, that I wasn’t supposed to hear…. I’m only a size 12 anyway! We had a female bookkeeper the same age and a female friend who’d help and temp. I did find they sometimes tried to offer unsolicited advice on various areas of my life and saw themselves as the older and wiser. Maybe that’s what’s happening here.

One of them got me onto Uggs though, suede ones and knitted ones which were great in our freezing office.

Luckily we didn’t swap style tips really as mine were a bit different to theirs. I did persuade my colleague that her hair looked better slightly longer than a chin length bob as it did do. With things like hair you have to be quite subtle. The pep you up with highlights was maybe a throwaway comment and not meant to be taken seriously.

You either rebut their comments and take the risk they’ll see you as rude or unfriendly or just ignore or say it in a way which isn’t rude.

Do they not like your art? Maybe they have had a conversation and are being shitty because of that? Or maybe they’re jealous of your talent?

I don't see any jealousy here whatsover. none.

and fwiw, i have never seen a gorgeous toast or seasalt anything.

https://www.3singingbirds.com/toast-donegal-wool-cable-sweater-apple-green.html

Not bashing OP/anyone else's taste and to be fair she didn't say or imply her friends envied her, but this look is supposed to make people envious? what looks like an itchy jumper, jeans and DM?

As someone who lives in. the Lake District, a lot of the natives never seem to wear a coat, and are often spotted sporting shorts in the freezing cold! Then there's the tourists who end up with hypothermia for being similarly underdressed every winter!

Maybe you've become the 'baby' of the group and they are 'teasing' with barbed comments. I think I would pull the worst offender aside the next time she says something passive aggressive and ask her what you've done to offend her and if everything is okay with her generally. Hopefully, if she hadn't realised how she is coming across, it will make her think and moderate her tone, Or if there is an issue, maybe she'll locate her spine and actually tell you what it is!

I think you've grown apart. It happens, it's happened to me this past few years. Commenting negatively on appearances is never cool.

It seems to me that this group has become a nasty little clique. They're picking on you for not being a clone of them. They sound rather shallow.

Decent people don't say things like "is she going to buy something silly at Booths" or roll their eyes and say why don't you buy your scones like everyone else. That's really bitchy of them. Is it just one or two of them who do this, or all of them? I agree with the PP who said call them out - "Why would I buy something silly in Booths?" but I think they've just got used to mocking you for entertainment, because you're just that little bit different enough from them to be a target. They're behaving like a group of year 10 schoolgirls. And it's not a good look on schoolgirls, let alone mature women who should have grown into better, kinder, more tolerant people who enjoy the company of someone who isn't exactly the same as them.

The Lake District thing is quite telling. Nobody goes there without a coat! But because they all decided not to, they pick on YOU as the weird one for doing the sensible thing, because you dared to think independently of them.

Ignore the snide comments on here @LadyEleanorsBlanket . Your post has attracted the bullies who jump on posts to distort what you've said, make things up and put the boot in.

I've already mentioned that your friends need to shut up about your appearance .. the scones thing though .. (and they were very rude there) ..

use an egg at room temperature - always essential for sponge cakes too - and most importantly handle the dough as little as possible or you'll bash all the air out of it. Just gather it together with your hands and pat it into shape. And not too thin or small either 😊

I think there are some nasty comments on this thread now. Some people are really running away with assumptions based on nothing much at all.

Try and remember you're talking to/about a real person who is talking about her concerns with her friends and how she's being perceived.

She's talking about her clothing and brands she buys from because this was initially a fashion/style based question on the style and beauty board, not because she's trying to gloat about her clothes.

Running away with your own perceptions and suggesting she's an annoying/oblivious/superior person and that her friends have been talking about her and don't like her is simply mean.

OP I think that these people don’t sound very nice at all. It can’t be all at once saying these things, is there a ring leader as such? Could you arrange to meet that person and just say you’ve been feeling a bit judged and see what they say?

OP comes across as someone not particularly bothered by fashion but who dresses in what is comfortable to them and goes out looking clean and neat. The friends come across as rather judgemental and spiteful. There may be an element of jealousy.

I would call them on their nasty comments rather than let them get away with it. When asked about clothes or jewellery, possible responses would be:

"Is there any reason you keep commenting about my clothes and jewellery?"

"Why does it matter to you what I am wearing?"

"Do you question everyone on what they wear as it seems to me that these comments are reserved for me?"

"Did you mean to be so rude?" (A MN classic, said with a raised eyebrow particularly for the nasty response about the scones)

If it carried on, I'd move to passive aggressive responses:

"I don't really think too much about clothes and jewellery, I'm not into fashion that much and find the people who go on about it rather shallow."

"I suppose we're in different age groups so will have different tastes in clothing."

"I don't spend much time thinking about what people are wearing. I like people for who they are."

"I've never understood why people feel the need to judge others on what they wear, it comes across as snobbery."

"Are you saying you don't cook your own scones?" (with a shocked expression).

If it keeps on going you may have to phase them out and spend more time with other friends. They're not really friends if they keep putting you down in order to make themselves feel superior.

The thing I learned about scones very recently is that it's important not to twist cutter trying to separate out the dough as this impacts the rise.

Get some new friends

I like the sound of your style OP.

I think we could be friends.

They don’t sound like good friends , at least the ones making the comments in the group. Friends should make you feel good and supported not make you doubt and question yourself. I left a similar group a while ago and feel so much better for it . Rather have a few good friends than put up with a bitchy tribe .