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Original poster

Comments from friend about my clothes

223 replies

LadyEleanorsBlanket · 31/10/2023 00:13

I meet up with a group of old friends once every two weeks, we go to a local coffee shop or occasionally a day out, etc.
I have known most of them for over 30 years, although I am the youngest by about 10 yrs.

Recently I have begun to notice comments, not all at once, but over time.
I am a reasonably confident person so never thought much of it before, but maybe i am going through a deep phase Grin

I wear fairly minimal stuff, like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.
If dresses maybe a dark cord or cotton semi fitted thing.
My coats are long plain wool or little Barbour jackets.
My hair is longish, dark blonde and not dyed. I wear minimal makeup and am 5'5 and slim. There's nothing about me that jumps out. I feel just average, really.

My friends are similar but wear more patterned clothes, or floaty things, i get that we shop differently, but who cares? I can't see a massive difference. An example of the comments might be "That is a strange jumper, it's a nice colour though!"
Or "You have been wearing that necklace for years, don't you like jewellery?"
Or "Have you thought about having highlights it might pep you up?"
Sometimes I mention a new perfume and have been told they can't smell it.
I don't think they're 'negging' me or anything wild, but I am beginning to notice it nonetheless.
No one has ever told me I look decent, or asked after a thing, like you hear on MN so often! I presumed I was just nondescript, but considering they never say such things to each other, I wonder what to make of this?

OP posts:
HannahHannahAnna · 31/10/2023 07:26

You've offended one of them at some point and they've discussed it

Holidayhell22 · 31/10/2023 07:29

Thinking about it the way some mumsnetters lose their shit over what guests wear to weddings perhaps I’m lucky to have normal, rational, intelligent friends!
I doubt I could be good friends with someone who judges the fact I don’t bleach my hair and inject Botox into my face.
I say this as someone who takes an interest in clothes and has more lotions and potions than the Wicked Witch of the West.

ChristmasQuestions · 31/10/2023 07:30

It sounds like they've grown apart from you. It's probably best to have some distance from them for a while. It doesn't need to be a big showdown, if I were you I'd just be unable to meet them except for once every few months.

The comments they've made don't sound particularly nice, they sound quite strange. You've obviously rubbed them up the wrong way at some point, perhaps you are more vocal or preachy about certain things than you realise. We all do things like that sometimes.

Dibbydoos · 31/10/2023 07:39

That's exactly what I was thinking. If I asked about making scones, I'd expect a civil answer. How rude!

Not sure what you should do OP but maybe skip a meet up and then see how they are at the next meet up. If they don't improve, become scarce. Hoping you have lots of other, real friends x

hellohellothere · 31/10/2023 07:39

They don't sound very nice or that they like you very much. Are they like this to each other? I'd focus on different friends

Cosywintertime · 31/10/2023 07:46

Maybe they feel familiar enough with you to make comments they feel are helpful? As In well intended?

the scone thing they likely just didn’t wish to discuss making scones.

Holidayhell22 · 31/10/2023 07:50

But who comments on their friends appearance unless that friend asks for an opinion?
If a friend asked me, ‘Do you think I should colour my hair ?’ I’d answer. Or if they said ‘Do you think I should wear this jumper to my brother’s wedding?’ I would tell them what I thought. I wouldn’t just say to a friend ‘Why the hell don’t you colour your hair, you look a right mess?’

Usernamen · 31/10/2023 07:50

GreyWednesday · 31/10/2023 07:20

I’m surprised that you’ve known most of them for over 30 years when you’re only 49 and they are 10 years older. I am 30, and can’t really imagine in what circumstances I would become friends with someone in their late teens.

I’m guessing that you have all changed a lot as you have matured, and it turns out you actually don’t have very much in common with them. Perhaps you do rub them up the wrong way a bit for some reason (and that’s no reflection on you!) and they’re just dealing with it really badly.

It is rubbish though, I’m sorry they’re making you feel this way.

I’m struggling to understand in what circumstances a 19 year-old becomes close friends with a group in their late 20s such that they see each other every 2 weeks for 30 years.

Then there’s the trip to the Lake District in winter and no one else bringing a coat. Really?

I’m also not sure of the relevance of mentioning a preference for natural fabrics and organic food if this is something that’s never discussed with the friendship group and therefore not a source for their comments (ie what does that fact add to the story?)

Newgirls · 31/10/2023 08:00

Meeting up every two weeks is a lot. Perhaps they have simply run out of things to talk to you about so they end up commenting on what you are wearing for lack do anything else to say. Maybe go less often and it might lighten up a bit? Absence makes the heart grow fonder etc

CameleonAreFightingBack · 31/10/2023 08:04

HannahHannahAnna · 31/10/2023 07:26

You've offended one of them at some point and they've discussed it

Yep.

And despite being retirement age, they still didn’t have the maturity to bring the issue up and clean the air.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 31/10/2023 08:05

AliceOlive · 31/10/2023 06:36

It’s their age. Ten years is a a big gap at this stage. 49-59 is a massive life change for many women. Physically and emotionally.

I think you should push back a bit. “I’m sorry, what do you mean?” They are being bitchy because they feel they’ve lost something and you still have it.

I'm not sure that I agree. In my circle of friends one is 10 years younger than me, and the older two in the group are six years older than I am. Not one of us ever treats any of the others the way OP's so-called friends do, and we've been friends for many years (most of us met through work).

nettie434 · 31/10/2023 08:20

I think the way you dress sounds understated and stylish. I can't see any reason why it needs changing.

I actually think that age gaps matter more at different times, so an 18 year old and a 28 year old may have less in common than a 28 year old and a 38 year old. To me, life for people aged 50 and 60 can be quite different. Your friends may be beginning to become more aware of what they see as differences between your life and theirs and you are being given the role of the ditzy young one.

I can't think of an explanation for the scone comment, other than having a bad day.

LogicVoid · 31/10/2023 08:37

Develop other friendships. This group aren't a positive in your life anymore.

MaryJanesonabreak · 31/10/2023 08:50

It’s weird how old friendships can fade away. I’ve noticed that a few of the people that I’ve known since my twenties (sixties now) I no longer see because of subtle hints that I was not welcome anymore. Don’t see them often enough for it to be anything I’ve done, and perfectly friendly when we do bump into each other, but I’ve learned not to follow up with any suggestions of meeting up for a coffee or a walk. People are weird.

SatsumaNightmare · 31/10/2023 08:56

If you are in any way different, and I mean that in terms of personality, then this could be why. I’ve noticed across my life that when people can’t place me in whatever predefined boxes they have, they really, really struggle. And so they pick on things that seem random, in order to try and make me fit for them. I’m also a creative - I’m a writer, and I have some other interests that are rather niche. I try very hard to be subdued about these things because I’m aware that people are often surprised. I’ve been told that my interests are seemingly contradictory, and so I’m hard to predict. Which I think makes people uneasy.

For females especially, the default when they feel uncomfortable is often to lean to things relating to appearance. I’ve noticed that because I don’t follow trends and those around me do, it’s very much an issue for them. It seems as if my decision not to follow them makes them uneasy about their own choices, so the default is to pick on things where I am different in order to validate their own choices.

Perhaps some of this is at play here.

Princessfluffy · 31/10/2023 09:01

Sometimes people dress to "fit in" with others in their circle and if you choose not to do the same they can feel a bit worried for you because not fitting in can be a type of "dangerous". So they encourage you to change your look to fit in more.

It's a mindset.

Why not focus on making some more new friends for a while?

PrinceHaz · 31/10/2023 09:05

Their comments are rude. If these people add to your life in a positive way I’d consider maintaining the friendship but having some assertive replies ready.
If they are just people you’ve known for a long time. But they’re not making you feel good, d start to distance myself. How dare they make you feel like this, is my personal opinion.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/10/2023 09:19

Are you all artists? Is there a difference in the level of success between you?

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/10/2023 09:19

I think I would ask for this thread to be moved to relationships.

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 31/10/2023 09:21

I did find it curious that the OP didn’t say she talked about her work with these friends - only that they sometimes joked about her being an artist …

I hope you have artist friends elsewhere, @LadyEleanorsBlanket!

DoratheFlora · 31/10/2023 09:29

From what you've posted it just sounds like you are the odd one out; still working, going through menopause, dress more simply, bit more natural, arty, creative and a bit more educated, quiet and thoughtful maybe?

I've had this too a number of times over the years. People perceive me as educated and a bit posh. I'm pretty independent and won't do things for the sake of fitting in with everyone else. I absolutely don't do anything to intentionally upset people but generally women (especially in a group) don't seem to like this and I rarely fit in.

It's very hard to relax when you are expecting an underhand comment or eye roll. In your shoes, I would step back a bit. Start missing the odd meet ups. When you do go, keep a note of who said what. Is it one person in particular who is making these comments or is it everyone? If you react differently, do you get a difference response or does it put a stop to the comments?

Sadly, I think you are going to have to phase them out. Friends should uplift and support you. Value yourself and remember you deserve better.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 31/10/2023 09:33

SatsumaNightmare · 31/10/2023 08:56

If you are in any way different, and I mean that in terms of personality, then this could be why. I’ve noticed across my life that when people can’t place me in whatever predefined boxes they have, they really, really struggle. And so they pick on things that seem random, in order to try and make me fit for them. I’m also a creative - I’m a writer, and I have some other interests that are rather niche. I try very hard to be subdued about these things because I’m aware that people are often surprised. I’ve been told that my interests are seemingly contradictory, and so I’m hard to predict. Which I think makes people uneasy.

For females especially, the default when they feel uncomfortable is often to lean to things relating to appearance. I’ve noticed that because I don’t follow trends and those around me do, it’s very much an issue for them. It seems as if my decision not to follow them makes them uneasy about their own choices, so the default is to pick on things where I am different in order to validate their own choices.

Perhaps some of this is at play here.

That sort if thing should have been visible right from the start though. (Not that I agree with that sort if attitude. But it is rife, I agree)

Why would it come out after 30 years??

SatsumaNightmare · 31/10/2023 09:54

CameleonAreFightingBack · 31/10/2023 09:33

That sort if thing should have been visible right from the start though. (Not that I agree with that sort if attitude. But it is rife, I agree)

Why would it come out after 30 years??

Show quote history

Their levels of personal security or self esteem may have changed. OP may have become more comfortable with herself. Nuances can absolutely shift dynamics.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/10/2023 10:18

I used to get comments from a friend of mine, about lightening my teeth, hair (but then she said she loved my long hair), I should use fake tan (I hate it!) and she tried to get me into and gave me a Ted Baker dress (not my style).

She was stylish but a curated style and wore on trend items including white blouses/shirts, which have never suited me.

I think friends who comment negatively on appearance are jealous.

Questionsquestions134 · 31/10/2023 10:20

My sister does this to me all the time... she is older than me 6 stone heavier. I just nod and don't comment now. Just ignore them and keep being you. It used to get to me but some people don't think before they speak.