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Comments from friend about my clothes

223 replies

LadyEleanorsBlanket · 31/10/2023 00:13

I meet up with a group of old friends once every two weeks, we go to a local coffee shop or occasionally a day out, etc.
I have known most of them for over 30 years, although I am the youngest by about 10 yrs.

Recently I have begun to notice comments, not all at once, but over time.
I am a reasonably confident person so never thought much of it before, but maybe i am going through a deep phase Grin

I wear fairly minimal stuff, like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.
If dresses maybe a dark cord or cotton semi fitted thing.
My coats are long plain wool or little Barbour jackets.
My hair is longish, dark blonde and not dyed. I wear minimal makeup and am 5'5 and slim. There's nothing about me that jumps out. I feel just average, really.

My friends are similar but wear more patterned clothes, or floaty things, i get that we shop differently, but who cares? I can't see a massive difference. An example of the comments might be "That is a strange jumper, it's a nice colour though!"
Or "You have been wearing that necklace for years, don't you like jewellery?"
Or "Have you thought about having highlights it might pep you up?"
Sometimes I mention a new perfume and have been told they can't smell it.
I don't think they're 'negging' me or anything wild, but I am beginning to notice it nonetheless.
No one has ever told me I look decent, or asked after a thing, like you hear on MN so often! I presumed I was just nondescript, but considering they never say such things to each other, I wonder what to make of this?

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 31/10/2023 17:00

Agree TreeturnedBrown lovely post and lovely kind sensible advise. Thank you. You sound very wise.

tobee · 31/10/2023 18:01

I know this is a massive Mumsnet no no but I'd be ghosting these people.

Just highly unpleasant.

I disagree with a pp that this is because of their generation. Plenty of people that age and generation are nothing like this.

GettingStuffed · 31/10/2023 18:08

They may not mean it maliciously. If they are into bright colours and patterns and your not they may think you feel you can't wear clothes like them rather than you do t want to.

I have a similar relationship with DD. I'm definitely boho but she feels happy in jeans and either a t-shirt or sweatshirt. I'm forever suggesting stuff I'd wear but she wouldn't. After reading this I'll stop.

PrinceHaz · 31/10/2023 18:09

I think they just don’t like you as much as friends should and they’re unkind with it. Just bin them. Life’s too short.

SmudgeButt · 31/10/2023 18:10

When I feel like someone is being a bit critical I remember 2 incidents that make me smile...

A work colleague once asked "do everyone from where you grew up dress that way?" It's an astounding question to ask anyone and it threw me so completely I didn't ask her what she meant. 25 years later I'm still no wiser but I do admire her confidence to ask such a thing.

And a few years before that my manager was commenting about my inappropriate work clothes. Now we're not talking skimpy or anything. My office was in an unheated portion of an old church so I was all layered up, fairly heavy trousers, top, turtleneck, jumper on top just to try to not freeze to death. I did respond by saying if the company would buy a heater I might be able to look a tad more standard but until then I wouldn't be shedding any layers. It was an absolute hoot the day she was having a right rant about me not looking "professional" and I noticed that she had baby sick all over one shoulder of her lovely Laura Ashley dress. No I didn't say anything, just smiled.

So don't worry about their stupid comments - their day will come!!!

DoratheFlora · 31/10/2023 18:28

TreeTurnedBrown · 31/10/2023 16:26

Agree it's more of a relationship thing than a clothing thing.

The group dynamic has evolved so that it's now just "the norm" to be unpleasant to and dismiss and bully and Other you, and I agree with pps I'd just cut my losses and "grey rock" and move on.

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything positive from this, apart from spending your hard-earned money and precious time with people who don't like you and have no issue showing it.

It sounds like you're now in a position where you're trying to "appease people who are blatantly showing disrespect. Which can't emotionally be helpful for you? What message are you sending to yourself about your value?

Make your own latte at home, light an incense stick, and log onto Mumsnet or Instagram or Focusmate for chat or company. Or watch something nice.

(I'm not a baker so can't help with scones but I'm sure someone online has the answers!).

I've often had to "re-invent" myself socially due to moving cities/being single/working from home loneliness.

I consider myself a feminist and I think like you I really liked the "idea" of a close-knit long lived all-female group (like in the TV shows).

However, practically (as other pps have said) these kind of groups often change or common interests decline or someone's "face doesn't fit" after a while and the microaggressions kick in.

I've found these groups ok for a while or an occasional thing (and cherish the memories) but then things move on.

It can be hard managing loneliness (are you self-employed?) but it's much better sitting being alone than in an environment where you're treated badly.

I don't think the solution is to run out and "find a whole new bunch of people" immediately to replace them. After a certain age I think this is fairly tricky.

I also agree with pps that "meeting every two weeks" is a bit excessive. Maybe your social life will be a bit more quiet as time moves on..is this actually a bad thing?

Often the people who are more "out there and available" time wise are fairly "difficult" (As I think you have found!).

I'd personally just focus on your goals and home life and practice self-care and use Mumsnet for a chat or rant (not extra highlights, your look sounds great :-)). Enjoy people on an ad-hoc basis and detach from this group.

Best post of the thread I think!

RubyBoozeDay · 31/10/2023 18:30

These people sound spiteful. I'm not sure I would want to meet up with non-friends like this once a fortnight. Try and find people to add something to your life, not detract from it.

I have a friend who only ever wears designer clothes and earns a lot more money than I do. She spends a fortune having her hair and nails done. I buy from charity shops, cut my own hair, and my nails are short and plain. It doesn't detract from our friendship, there's no sneering about our various differences. We meet up about once every 3 months and never stop talking.

jupitermonket · 31/10/2023 18:31

LadyEleanorsBlanket · 31/10/2023 13:17

Some oddly presumptuous posts here, surely?

I do not talk about wearing neutrals.
I do not even do sustainable living, so how are people picking that up??!
I have uttered the dark words 'Toast jumper' haven't I? Therefore I must be suspicious Grin

Does having a wool coat and a donegal jumper really evoke such impressions of me? I do wear make-up, which is in my OP.

This post for example:
I think you may have inadvertently annoyed them too tbh.

People who talk a lot (and may not realise they are going so) about carbon footprints/sustainable charity shopping/organic ingredients don’t always know their audience.

I do not think they are envious. I am curious as to why you can’t/don’t confide in people you meet every fortnight for the last thirty years which is far more than most people see friends.

What a curious post, I wonder where, in anything I have written, you might have ascertained that I talk a lot about carbon fucking footprints?
You have framed me as the problem without any thought, which speaks volumes. Not all friend groups involve pouring out problems and sobbing, this never had that dynamic really. I have close friends outside of this group, of course.

To the PP's who asked, we have known each other since my uni days in the early 90's, one of them being the older sister of an ex of mine many years ago.

Edited

It’s so strange how people how misperceived you this way, isn’t it? People have completely made up the most detailed things, in huge great lists, assuming/pretending you’ve said it yourself and then used this as a reason to berate you! Utterly bizarre.

For what it’s worth, I think you come across here perfectly pleasantly and neutrally, and not at all how you’ve been so oddly portrayed by some of the respondents. Definitely says much more about them than it does about you.

Myfabby · 31/10/2023 18:35

jupitermonket · 31/10/2023 18:31

It’s so strange how people how misperceived you this way, isn’t it? People have completely made up the most detailed things, in huge great lists, assuming/pretending you’ve said it yourself and then used this as a reason to berate you! Utterly bizarre.

For what it’s worth, I think you come across here perfectly pleasantly and neutrally, and not at all how you’ve been so oddly portrayed by some of the respondents. Definitely says much more about them than it does about you.

But don't you see the irony. people are allowed to have their perceptions. You sense neutral, pleasant, I and others sense defensive and prickly. You are not automatically correct, nor am I.

Even in law, on perusal of all facts, there are dissenting judgements. It doesn't show meanness or bias. In fact dissent is often useful.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 31/10/2023 19:16

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 31/10/2023 15:39

It's that generation, OP. Highly, highly critical especially of other women

The women I find who are usually highly, highly, critical of other women tend to be young women.

jupitermonket · 31/10/2023 21:11

Myfabby · 31/10/2023 18:35

But don't you see the irony. people are allowed to have their perceptions. You sense neutral, pleasant, I and others sense defensive and prickly. You are not automatically correct, nor am I.

Even in law, on perusal of all facts, there are dissenting judgements. It doesn't show meanness or bias. In fact dissent is often useful.

What are you on about? The OP and I are bewildered by the completely made up facts that people have spouted as if the OP actually said them herself…when it’s there clearly on the thread that she said no such thing.

Nowt so odd as Mumsnetters.

excelledyourself · 31/10/2023 21:29

@jupitermonket I agree with you.

I KNEW you were posher than them before your second update.

The above statement had me baffled very early in the thread!

Chalkdowns · 31/10/2023 21:48

Just to say I love the sound of your style. I think they are jealous actually. And not very nice. But you sound much the best dressed !

atthebottomofthehill · 31/10/2023 21:52

I have NRTFT. The vibe I get from your OP is that they at heart are good friends who think you are lovely looking, slim and young and basically think you could look "better" than you do. And they may think that by drawing your attention to elements they think could be improved you will "make the most of yourself". This may be especially true if you are younger than them, or if they think you've had a hard time. They might just be trying to help but obviously they're barking up the wrong tree.

Kittycat43 · 31/10/2023 21:53

My guess is that you're very stylish and appear effortlessly so and they're jealous.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 31/10/2023 22:15

Kittycat43 · 31/10/2023 21:53

My guess is that you're very stylish and appear effortlessly so and they're jealous.

Why do you think they are jealous? After thirty years a group of women get jealous of another? I cannot get my head around this at all.

And why do you think the OP is effortlessly stylish?
She has not said anything to suggest this has she?

Hilly7 · 31/10/2023 23:04

You may not think it but it will be jealousy. Even if you think you have nothing they could envy that is what it is. They might not want your life but sometimes if you are happy with what you have (even if very little) people can be jelous because you are content in your own skin and for whatever reason they aren't.

CarPour · 31/10/2023 23:15

Some people get very funny about toast wearers. I don't know if they feel jealous or intimidated or judged or what, they just get very funny about a wool jumper. It brings out irrational anger

I guess the thing with the scone situation is that if your friend isn't a baker it's quite an odd conversation to have, and is a bit boring and earnest? It kind of sounds like the sort of conversation people have when they want to mention they've baked scones. Why would your friend who buys scones be able to help you?

It also sounds like you have been keeping them at arms length, perhaps they feel somehow judged by you? If your aloof with your feelings?

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 31/10/2023 23:29

Some people get very funny about toast wearers. I don't know if they feel jealous or intimidated or judged or what, they just get very funny about a wool jumper. It brings out irrational anger

I have only two experiences of Toast one to buy and return a pair of trousers (too big) and the other to ask for opinions about a pair of shoes I couldn't decide whether to keep or not. I posted them here at the time and the comments that stuck in my mind were that they were frumpy and ugly and seemingly the worst shoes posters had ever seen and to return them asap. I did end up keeping them and wish I hadn't as I never wore them and put them into the charity shop a year later. However I am a huge fan of Cos unlike the OP I do not dress alternatively or at Seasalt/COS but can safely say that having different preferences for one shop or another doesn't make people irrationally angry or jealous surely?

AliceOlive · 31/10/2023 23:45

@Blackandwhitemakesgrey

OP only meant that some make a deal over their clothing brand as if it’s a superior decision because it’s advertised as sustainable. She was not criticizing people that wear a particular brand.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 31/10/2023 23:54

AliceOlive Thank you for clarifying.

I suspect there are other things at play here but being in the Style & Beauty forum has swayed it towards clothes more than may be warranted.

Nonetheless its time for me to hide the thread.

highlandcoo · 01/11/2023 00:14

You've had some pretty unfair comments OP, as well as some really perceptive ones too.

What you describe is reminiscent of my MIL and her sister's comments to me back in the day. They were from an Italian background and liked to dress "glamorously" - their style was fussier than mine. I was a young mum and dressed (what we used to describe as) like a student .. years later I still do a lot of the time. I wore jeans, desert boots, cheesecloth, denim skirts and cowboy boots, fair isle jumpers etc. They just didn't get it and would frequently comment and try to get me to have my hair done, wear dramatic costume jewellery and generally adopt their style.

My MIL could be critical and very direct. She wanted a more dressed-up DIL basically. When I was pregnant she asked me what I was planning to wear to go out "pram-pushing" Grin. Apparently she and her friends would get specially dressed up to walk around town with their babies. She thought I was scruffy I think but in reality we just had completely different taste in clothes. I wouldn't have been seen dead in some of hers to be honest but was too polite to say so.

Maybe your friends are a bit bewildered by why you don't want to dress like them and like my MIL feel the need to comment. They should shut up about it though. If it's getting you down, I'd reduce the contact. It can't be enjoyable waiting for the next put-down. I like the sound of how you dress, by the way. It seems effortlessly stylish to me.

SparkleFromWithin · 01/11/2023 00:21

Tbh op, they don't sound very nice.

If I was your friend I would most certainly want to know how your scones turned out, and ask for the recipe. And I'm 39, just for reference Grin

I have friends who are in their 20s and I never roll my eyes at them and dismiss what they're saying . That's just rude. Maybe find yourself some new friends.

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 00:33

I'm finding their comment towards you really weird and not anything I'd hear from any friends of mine about anyone

If they're anything like my DM they'll have no idea they're upsetting you and would be shocked to find out their comments do in fact upset you.

It won't however stop them because they don't realise it's sort of rude really.

You just have to learn to like it or lump it

StBrides · 01/11/2023 00:44

This is such a strange thread.

I don't feel your posts are very clear op.

The comment about highlights pepping you up is dependent on context for rudeness. Turning round to you and saying it out the blue = very rude. Being part of a conversation about style in general, hair styles, or winter skin or menopausal changes then not so much.

Re background difference, who is supposed to be posher - you or them? You don't actually say.

The scones thing was really rude, so was the comment about jewellery.

I don't understand the significance of jumpers from Toast or that you don't wear clothes from Seasalt.

I don't understand the stuff about the men in the group too and how one man also gets it but not so much because he's a man...Nothing to go on here about how dresses...Does he also wear jumpers from toast and a favourite necklace? Is he the only man not in patterned dresses?

You've suggested you get attitude for being an artist but do you mean they make jokes at your expense? Do they not like artists?

I'm wondering if either you've grown in confidence and it's unsettling them or you've become less tolerant about things, decided on new boundaries in your life and are now noticing aspects of their personalities that have never bothered you before?

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