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Comments from friend about my clothes

223 replies

LadyEleanorsBlanket · 31/10/2023 00:13

I meet up with a group of old friends once every two weeks, we go to a local coffee shop or occasionally a day out, etc.
I have known most of them for over 30 years, although I am the youngest by about 10 yrs.

Recently I have begun to notice comments, not all at once, but over time.
I am a reasonably confident person so never thought much of it before, but maybe i am going through a deep phase Grin

I wear fairly minimal stuff, like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.
If dresses maybe a dark cord or cotton semi fitted thing.
My coats are long plain wool or little Barbour jackets.
My hair is longish, dark blonde and not dyed. I wear minimal makeup and am 5'5 and slim. There's nothing about me that jumps out. I feel just average, really.

My friends are similar but wear more patterned clothes, or floaty things, i get that we shop differently, but who cares? I can't see a massive difference. An example of the comments might be "That is a strange jumper, it's a nice colour though!"
Or "You have been wearing that necklace for years, don't you like jewellery?"
Or "Have you thought about having highlights it might pep you up?"
Sometimes I mention a new perfume and have been told they can't smell it.
I don't think they're 'negging' me or anything wild, but I am beginning to notice it nonetheless.
No one has ever told me I look decent, or asked after a thing, like you hear on MN so often! I presumed I was just nondescript, but considering they never say such things to each other, I wonder what to make of this?

OP posts:
Mirabai · 01/11/2023 19:05

My first thought was that they may just think you should dress more femininely - as many women think like that. “Why don’t you put on a pretty blouse”, “fix your hair” etc.

But this comment:

We went to the lake district together last year in winter, I took a coat, they didn't. Eyes were rolled at that. Jokes were made that I would want to go to Joules (I don't even like Joules) or buy 'silly' things from Booths. It doesn't describe me at all

Indicates they think you’re very middle class.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 01/11/2023 19:08

Not bashing OP/anyone else's taste and to be fair she didn't say or imply her friends envied her, but this look is supposed to make people envious? what looks like an itchy jumper, jeans and DM?

Oh I love that jumper - and an expensive merino jumper is not going to be itchy!

And, fwiw, I have some gorgeous Seasalt linen dresses - not floral or patterned.

BreatheAndFocus · 01/11/2023 19:13

It’s hard to tell for sure but maybe your style/non-style makes them nervous? Could they be thinking that it’s some kind of statement from you? As an example, I once had unusual hair (purposely being vague about the details). I had it simply because I liked it. However, the amount of people who’d come up and ask me if it was to say something or a political statement was surprisingly high. I explained that no, I just like it, but this one person seemed to think I was lying and that there must be a ‘proper reason’.

So maybe your friends see your choice of clothes as saying something or making a comment about them? A subtle ‘I couldn’t be bothered to dress up for you’, a ‘you all look silly in your flounces and frills’? Maybe they can’t quite understand why you’re doing it and so are probing and commenting to try to get what they think is the real answer from you.

PonteMinchi · 01/11/2023 19:19

Mirabai · 01/11/2023 19:05

My first thought was that they may just think you should dress more femininely - as many women think like that. “Why don’t you put on a pretty blouse”, “fix your hair” etc.

But this comment:

We went to the lake district together last year in winter, I took a coat, they didn't. Eyes were rolled at that. Jokes were made that I would want to go to Joules (I don't even like Joules) or buy 'silly' things from Booths. It doesn't describe me at all

Indicates they think you’re very middle class.

Surely anyone, of any social class, who goes to the Lake District at any stage of the year without a coat is just an idiot?

Or someone who is declaring upfront their intention to flit from car to door and not to go outdoors at all? Which is their choice, obviously, but many people do go to the Lakes to walk…

JaneFarrier · 01/11/2023 19:21

@myfabby I do think that jumper's gorgeous and enviable! But... well, as this thread has amply demonstrated, tastes vary.

Someone said the women don't sound very mature and that recalled to me that people used to say the same sorts of things to me when we were teenagers - suggestions for haircuts and so forth. The comments stopped in adulthood (and I guarantee it's not because my hair looks better!) They may or may not be trying to be helpful, but the effect isn't helpful.

Mirabai · 01/11/2023 19:22

PonteMinchi · 01/11/2023 19:19

Surely anyone, of any social class, who goes to the Lake District at any stage of the year without a coat is just an idiot?

Or someone who is declaring upfront their intention to flit from car to door and not to go outdoors at all? Which is their choice, obviously, but many people do go to the Lakes to walk…

Was referring to the Joules and Booths comments.

Don’t know what to make of the coat thing - perhaps they’re serious walkers - you wouldn’t take a wool coat for that but something waterproof and insulated.

Loubelle70 · 01/11/2023 19:25

Just reply with 'thats a very nice dress, dont you think its too much for day time coffee date though?' If they say something and offended reel off the comments made about you and you thought they were all comfortable talking like this about each other. 😒.
I think your choice of clothes sound cool...i wear similar

JesusAndMaryPain · 01/11/2023 19:32

OP I do not comment, ever, on what people are wearing, because it's a fine line to tread. Theres too much margin for Hurt. As you've experienced. (I also don't comment on what/how much people are eating etc)

I think these comments from your so called friends are insulting. I'd be very upset. The comments are not OK. I'm sorry. This must be painful.

Hippee · 01/11/2023 19:36

I'm sorry that you probably live far away from me, as I'd be happy to chat scones or anything else with you. I am very scruffy and don't really care what I wear, but always think other people look nice.

Fingeronthebutton · 01/11/2023 19:43

MintJulia · 31/10/2023 01:57

The thing with the scones...that sounds very much like age-gap to me. That you are 10 years younger, are slim and have the confidence to wear chilled out clothes, little makeup, and have the time to worry about home-baking while they are battling the menopause etc. Your worries and their worries have started to diverge.

I suspect you're making them feel a bit inadequate, which is absolutely their issue, and not yours. They may be more financially secure, but you have youth and energy. 40s/50s is when the difference starts to show, for some.

Off topic, I can make a fab sponge cake but scones elude me too. No idea why, the texture is just wrong 😀

If the OP was confident she surely wouldn’t be asking for advice on personal comments.

Btw, OP, with respect I wouldn’t compliment the jumper or corded dress. That’s probably what your friends are thinking.
I have a very close friend but there’s not one item that she wears that I would ask where she got it.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 01/11/2023 19:46

Pop along to a charity shop, grab some colourful printed clothes and see what they say when you wear them. I bet they will have something to say...

I personally would ask them directly why? Put the monkey on their shoulders and make them feel uncomfortable. They so will be thrown off guard with your boldness. Good luck, you sound lovely 😊

43ontherocksporfavor · 01/11/2023 19:47

Who doesn’t take a coat to the lakes???

Loubelle70 · 01/11/2023 19:48

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 01/11/2023 19:08

Not bashing OP/anyone else's taste and to be fair she didn't say or imply her friends envied her, but this look is supposed to make people envious? what looks like an itchy jumper, jeans and DM?

Oh I love that jumper - and an expensive merino jumper is not going to be itchy!

And, fwiw, I have some gorgeous Seasalt linen dresses - not floral or patterned.

Yes.
love seasalt too. OP has been comfortable in herself to dress comfortably....i think the OP doesnt have confident issues, the others who comment do. Btw i love dms , jeans, jumper...they can look classy.

Olive19741205 · 01/11/2023 19:55

Myfabby · 31/10/2023 14:14

ok good for you. What a waste of energy. Huffing and puffing instead of simple clarification.

And the swearing? Very fitting for ms toast jumper and barbour jacket.

Are you always this defensive and aggressive?

MeMySonAnd1 · 01/11/2023 20:00

The only time someone pressed me saying I needed to do something with my hair, went on to say I didn’t look fat because I was tall when she noticed I was not bothered by her comment about my hair.

Jealousy I would say, unless your way of dressing is affecting whether they get a nice table in a trendy restaurant or not 🤷‍♀️

Ninjamom · 01/11/2023 20:05

You sound like a lovely person. I would love to be your friend OP. These people are not acting like friends. I understand the feeling of when meanness takes over women. The fact that you are questioning whether it is something to do with your clothes or your background means they are already making you feel bad. I think you need to take a break from them. You need to leave space for better friendships. It is sad, but if you stay, they will just bring you down again and again.

Stoic123 · 01/11/2023 20:06

Hi Op,

I own a Toast Donegal jumper - it is a lovely cheerful orangey red. A lot of wild suppositions about you are being made on this thread (as you've rightly called out)!

Who knows why the comments have started. Most likely explanation, as PP have pointed out, is that you have started to make one of the group feel uncomfortable in some way. I am 100% sure this is their issue and not your fault in any way. They could be going through a tough time, feeling a general dissatisfaction with life, are being overly sensitive about a comment you made ...or a host of other reasons. Unfortunately, the chuntering is spreading a little - a bit of groupthink going on maybe.

The only important thing is how it makes you feel. You should be comfortable and relaxed among long-standing friends and, if you aren't, it might be time to take a little break from them (or a longer one if you want). Easier said than done. My friendship group waxes and wanes according to everyone's mood and space is sometimes needed.

Definitely don't start worrying about how you dress- you sound fab as you are. Also, don't give up on the scones - all my favourite people are scone makers. I now think I should join them.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 01/11/2023 20:11

atthebottomofthehill · 31/10/2023 21:52

I have NRTFT. The vibe I get from your OP is that they at heart are good friends who think you are lovely looking, slim and young and basically think you could look "better" than you do. And they may think that by drawing your attention to elements they think could be improved you will "make the most of yourself". This may be especially true if you are younger than them, or if they think you've had a hard time. They might just be trying to help but obviously they're barking up the wrong tree.

I doubt they think the OP could look 'better' than she does. It sounds to me as though they think she should be more like them. I've had people get at me for perceived poshness (I'm not) for wearing Seasalt clothes (because they do larger sizes and I'm a larger size) for not going on a diet when they thought I should (you lose weight for yourself, not for other people) and for not watching soaps (if you start watching them you're committing a LOT of time to watching telly and I don't want to). There's a real herd mentality with some people, who'll pick on anyone they think is not quite fitting in. It's shitty. I would quietly drift away from them.

Cariadm · 01/11/2023 20:17

Marmighty · 31/10/2023 00:47

Jealousy, or coming from insecurity at least. You sound slim, attractive and stylish. Everything they say is communication, and they are saying things designed to put you down or unsettle you. It says nothing about you and everything about them.

Totally agree!! 🙄These sort of 'passive/aggressive' observations and comments are rarely given with good intentions and are an indication of mean spiritedness...a true friend wouldn't do it in my opinion?! 🤔😥

PegasusReturns · 01/11/2023 20:24

You seem quite certain that the fault doesn’t lie with you.

so what do you think the issue is?

You must have an inkling?

LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 20:31

I am 60 but still working full-time and will be for some years to come; the circle of friends who have all retired really don't have much to say to me any longer, nor I to them. It's like they have closed ranks and forgotten what it's like to have responsibilities. I stopped bothering a couple of years ago.

Littlelucas · 01/11/2023 20:31

Nasty cows.

They are trying to undermine you, I wonder why? I suspect they are intimidated or you make them feel insecure in some way.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 01/11/2023 20:38

Some people find it hard to accept other people have different tastes and try to put their own tastes on others, however from what you’ve said it does sound like the comments are coming as a result of the state of friendship.

FeeFiFoeFum2000 · 01/11/2023 20:38

I don't think it's jealousy I think they just don't like or get your style.

ACGTHelixA · 01/11/2023 20:55

People often comment on the fact that I consistently wear orange, especially in the form of workwear high-visibility clothing like trousers, fleeces, and jackets. I've always had a preference for orange, even though occasionally, I might go for other high-visibility colors. I just find that orange suits me better than yellow.

When people point out that it's strange or unusual, I usually respond by acknowledging it and saying something like, "Yeah, I know it's a bit odd, but I like it." For me, there's something about the color orange that I find appealing.

If I'm not in my usual orange high-vis gear, you'll often find me in military cargo-type outfits. It's not just about the color; it's about the functionality and the rugged aesthetic that I appreciate. So, whether it's orange workwear or military-inspired gear, it all comes down to what I feel comfortable in and what suits my style rather than what others think of my outfits.